Add to the list <P>Expressing appreciation constantly for everything the WS has told you.<BR>Convincing the WS that you are on the same side, the side of your marriage. Then being sure you act the part.<BR>Be patient until you can agree on discussing what happened. It helped us for me to be persistent but to do so with persuasion (books, articles, postings and most importantly showing that it really did help to talk things out) not by badgering. (I'm not saying I've always been successful at this but it's what helped!)<BR>Agreeing that you will go slow and stop if it gets too painful.<BR>Being patient with how hard it is for the WS to talk about. <BR>Understanding that they may have blocked some of it out and don't remember. Even the things that you stumble onto and can't fathom how anyone could forget.<BR>Keeping these conversations contained to an agreed upon length of time, agreed upon frequency, etc. (We're going to try to not talk about it in the house for a while--we're 14 months into both fully committed recovery--we're going to take walks leave that stuff in the dust as we genuinely get through it and let it all dissipate into the air). <BR>Be honest about what you've been able to resolve (cherish that and emphasize it).<BR>Know that it will take a long time, just like cleaning up after a tornado. <BR>Accept exactly where you are in the process.<BR>Mistakes are part of the process.<BR>You will forget just about everything you've learned sometimes, if these lapses decrease in duration, you are making fabulous progress! <BR>Have confidence that if you keep on keeping on as honestly and considerately as you can...(yes these can be done at the same time--they must be done at the same time to really heal) If you do this life will get better.<BR>Better is good. <BR><p>[This message has been edited by today (edited September 03, 2000).]

Where did you come from Today? I have read your posts all weekend but had not heard of you before this. Boy you sure know your p's and q's!<P>I am in a position to do just this with my H. He could not really talk about it because it was still going on and he had not made the decision to stay or go. But the OW ended it, it was too painful for her.<P>My H is really depressed, but he WANTS to talk about it. I am willing, if only we would not get interrupted! The kids are just learning about "We need Privacy." <P>This thread is exactly what I need today, are you psychic?<P>BS

I tend to pick the wrong time to talk - just before sleep - H just too sleepy and not prepared! Oops. BUT - I am now able to ask him direct questions without being upset, or judgemental and if I sense I'm going in the wrong direction, then I pull back because there's no point in creating defensiveness and anger. We haven't had a "Deep" discussion about my H's affair for awhile, we've been carrying on with family life, having good talks about life and work and each other and making love a lot! But, I do know we need to start tearing apart what lead up to his A, as he feels like he's coasting right now. I think he needs to take action to sort out what was going on, where he needs direction in his own life - his spirit. <BR>Good advice Today - thanks.

Here's another goody: Trust your process. The mistakes are part of the process. Trust yourself even through the mistakes.