I don't mean just rewriting the history of the marriage, or forgetting all the good times. My H has forgotten so much, including things that have no emotional connection to the marriage - events of a few years ago, memories from his youth, major things about our children. This seemed to start in the year preceeding the affair, and I had become so worried that I considered asking him to see a doctor about it, and now, a year and a half later, it has continued.

it has something to do with his depression. a lot of memories are "state dependent", i.e., the "state" his brain is in has to be replicated for memories to be recalled. a more specific example is a person who drinks only being able to remember drunken episodes the next time they are drunk.<BR>his sounds very generalized, though. my stbx even claims that he has "no visual memory". i don't know what that means, since he seems to function ok, and has never had a problem remembering OW!!!!<BR>anyway, your H's brain has just been sort of shut down since his depression started, sounds like.<BR>yuck!

lWb,<P>Sometimes it really worries me how much his memory seems to have shut down. This also seemed to coincide with him rather suddenly developing allergies to lots of things which never bothered him before. <P>The brain is a terrifying thing.

Nellie-<P>I don't know-I may be way off base-but in my teenage years I had a few things happen that were fairly emotional "happenings" and due to the fact that they were not good feelings I was able to somehow "forget" all detail. I don't mean just a few things but all of it basically. <P>Now I must tell you-that was about 27 years ago. To this day it is impossible for me to remember any of the details.<P>I think that we are very capable of putting unpleasant memories away somewhere where we don't have to face them. <P>I hope this is some help.<P><P>------------------<BR>*heartache*<P>"Life's A Dance<BR>You Learn As You Go.<BR>Sometimes You Lead<BR>Sometimes You Follow!<BR>Don't worry 'Bout What You Don't Know<BR>LIfe's A Dance <BR>You Learn As You Go."

heartache,<P>I agree very much. I was abused as a young woman, and I completely forgot all details until I was in my 30's. Even still I don't remember everything.<P>Nellie,<P>Don't you ever tire of trying to figure this out? I bet you do. I've been reading your posts for almost a year, and I agree with you that depression is in the picture. However, I caution you to take care of yourself. Through you, your children will get through this. I worry about you.<P>This is my first reply EVER, and I chose your thread because I respect you.<P>Take care.

Nellie, I am dealing with a similar thing. My h too has forgotton many things. It was particularly bad in the beginning of this "thing". You know, MLC's have that aspect of depression. That's kind of why they end up with the OW.... It is a drug to make them feel better, because they feel so bad about themselves.<P>Do you know that my H actually started making things like tomato sauce with onions??????? It is so funny. For 13 years noone could make anything for him with onions. If I made potato salad, I'd have to make a special bowl for him because he didn't want onions. Now he says he always made sauce with onions.... his family and I crack up. <P>My H also won't look at photos of him on vacation with the kids and I just last year in which he is smiling. It's like that wasn't him. He doesn't remember it.<P>Depression chemically alters brain function. Again, that'w why they seem to need their drug of choice (OW)...because that is the thing that gives them the serotonin!!!! needed to "feel good". Very Sad!!!!

My husband is also suffering from memory loss in a big way.<P>We got into it last week over my post--I was relating how he and the OW were discussing moving in together, and how he was deliberating about this; it would destroy his relationship with his son, who he suddenly had little contact with once his affair took off.(He denies this vehemently.)<P>In Feb 99, he called me up from Virginia, where he was in school, and told me that he loved me very much and wanted to reunite with me. I was estatic. (he had told me a month before that he wanted a divorce--he didn't seem to remember doing this, so when I asked him about how the divorce was going, he says "Ohhhhhh, so you want a divorce, huh?") A few days later, he called me again and told me that we could be roomates and that he only wanted to be with his son, not me. He told me to go find a boyfriend. I wigged out! I asked him if he had a girlfriend--he said no. I told him that he was acting too weird and to talk to me again when he got himself straightened out--I was mad. I had no idea what was going on.<P>Behind the scenes: Miss Kitty was also pissed, because he was jerking her and her litle schemes around, too.<P>I got this straight from his chat--this is a direct quote:<P>HER: Your wife says she wants to work things out with you, so why is she so mad? Why did she not take you up on your offer? Just curious.<P>HIM: Because I told her that my kid is the only reason that I would consider living with her again. Fortunately for us, she's not buying it. Maybe she has some sense, after all.<P>HER: I would offer to take your little boy for you, and we could all be together. But I can't offer that at this point in time. I am sorry that you are dealing with this.<P>(she was still living with HER husband at the time) <P>HIM: Yes, I am torn between two loves. Actually, I am stuck between two mountains, literally (Ha Ha!!!) I am at the point now where I am about ready to just give her custody of the kid and be done with it. I can't loose you. . .<P>I copied his entire chat with Miss Kitty onto a floppy disk, and I altered none of it. So I have access to evrything that he said. I figured this would be appropriate for legal purposes, if needs be.<P>However, my husband denies ever writing this right to my face. He says that he would never weigh having a life with his son with a life with "that woman." He says that I am a lunatic for saying that he conducted this conversation. He told me that I am giving this forum a bunch of dirty lies and that he will sue me for libel.<P>I told him to go get his temp internet files up and look at his ICQ if he doesn't believe me.<P>He told me no, he doesn't have to.<P>He also forgets all the things that he says to me while he is in a rage, like "Are you wacked? Are you out of your mind? F**k you, you dumb b***h!" He says that he would never talk to me like this, but he does all the time. He forgets about 80% of our conversations, and the things that happen. When I try to tell him, he either says "You are full of BS," or else he says "Well, if it did happen, then you probably deserved it."<P>However, he does remember some things that didn't happen. Like me trying to stab him a knife (what the heck?!!!) and me calling a bunch of men over to beat him up. And all the times that I punched him and kicked him. And attacked him at the airport.<P>Things that didn't happen, I swear to God.<P>Live by the sword, die by the sword, I guess.<P>I am wondering now if anyone believes ME, that I am not making any of this up. I know that I am not crazy, and if I am not, then he must be! This is so frightening!<BR>

I believe you Bernzini. My H also said things that were not true. He actually said things that I had heard him say OP said about her H.<P>He had told me that her H left the gas stove on one night to get some extra heat....in a derogotory way.<P>When he was flinging some of the important reasons why he was leaving me...he said the exact same thing to me...that I left the gas stove on one night. (again very derogatory). It is funny, because I am the type of person who checks the doors after I am in bed. I know I did not leave the stove on.<P>It is so bizaar how this happens. And if we didn't have each other we would feel like WE were the insane ones.<P>I have a friend here, married 18 years. H began acting strange. I have talked with her and said some things that you typically hear. She has not been wanting to believe me that he is having an affair. But when her H started saying VERBATIM the things that I told her....she believed. It gave her some strength!!!!! because when you hear this stuff you really feel emotionally battered.

I heard on TV the other night about something called Pitt's syndrome (or something like that) that has similar symptoms to Alzheimers and is typified by memory loss and a sudden change in behavior. You might want to look into it.

My H. has memory loss in a big way! He has always had it a little bit, but since we discovered his depression it has been much greater and much more frequent, even to the point that he can't remember the relationship discussions we had the day before...that is pretty bad and I don't know what to do! <P>

Is this memory loss or is she trying to justify her affair and leaving me:<P>Wife stated to me (before I discovered her affair and we were 1 month into counselling) that, and I quote, "There was nothing in our wedding vows that said I had to stay with you forever."<P>She is almost 42 yrs. old, our 12th anniversary is (would be?) 10/15/00, and has reunited with her HS sweetheart who she hadn't seen in 10 or 12 years.

My H's memory loss has to do with events that took place during the A. When I initially sensed that something was wrong at the beginning of the A, I kept a journal of all the little things that happened, his numerous nights out with "the boys", the missing in action situations, the lies he told to reassure me, all the little clues that I hoped were my imagination. I also have a very vivid memory of all the times we had contact with the OW at work events, (she was a co-worker), how she acted towards me and towards him etc. So as the year <BR>"in recovery' wears on, now that the A is over, I relive numerous anniversaries of all these events. I try not to bring them up, but once in a while, he will make a reference that triggers a memory, I will remind him of the circumstances, and lo and behold, he can't remember!!!!!<P>According to him, he really can't remember too much about the details of what went on during the A. He claims he is over her, but I wonder if he really doesn't remember, just doesn't want to admit he remembers, or has chosen not to remember for one reason or another. I'd like to think that the whole thing is something he deliberately wants to forget cause he regrets it, and wants to move on, but sometimes I wonder if it is too painful for him because it was such a wonderful time with her, and he had to give her up. <P>Anyway - thats my H's version of memory loss.

heartache,<P>It seems like he has done even more than forget unpleasant memories - it seems like he has also forgotten things about his teenage years that I know he still remembered just a few years ago. I don't understand why, if he remembered them for 30 years, he would forget them now - and it was not something that I would think was negative at all. <P>Lump of Coal, <P>Thanks for your response. No, actually I doubt if I will ever get tired of trying to figure this out, until I if and when I succeed. <P>tootrusting,<P>I'm not sure my H's taste in food has changed, but he too doesn't seem to remember that he used to want to do things or have things done in a completely different way. It is like he does not remember how he felt about anything, even things not at all connected with our marriage. <P>Bernzini,<P>I doubt that you are crazy, although it must feel like he is trying to convince you you are. Sometimes I think they say things or hear things and the words just never pass through their brains. <P>Truthseeker,<P>That sounds interesting - I haven't been able to find anything on the web about it yet. I would like to read more about it.<P>wifeofcop,<P>My H's memory has never been the greatest, but what I have seen in the last couple of years is far worse than ever before. He can't remember discussions either. Sometimes even if I put it in an email he doesn't remember reading it. <P>catamount,<P>Assuming that your vows included the standard, "till death..", it is a bit hard to believe that she could have forgotten that. It sounds like justification to me.<P>everhopeful,<P>My H just seems to have forgotten most of his life before the affair. If depression can do this to you, I don't understand why they aren't spending as much money fighting it as they do on heart disease, etc.<BR>

Wayward Spouses also seem to forget the good times in the marriage and all the good qualities of their spouse and how good things once were in the marriage. Makes it easier to justify their affair and bad behavior towards the betrayed spouse. It's easier to rewrite history than to improve on the present and/or future (with the betrayed spouse).

Lady M,<P>He has seemed to have forgotten all the good, but what really worries me is that he has forgotten how he ever felt about anything, what values he had (not just those related to marriage), and how he felt about family.

hi nellie,<BR>on a lighter note....I always wish I had amnesia concerning the affairs and the betrayers always seem to catch it.

Hi Nellie,<P>Once my H moved away from me, he began to complain of memory loss, dizziness, and stumbling problems, along with bouts of paranoia, & hallucinations. <P>From what I've read, memory loss can be due to stress, depression, an organic illness and also the normal aging process.<BR>My H's symptoms got so bad that he was convinced there was something seriously wrong with him. I'm really not sure if he came home because he thought he was ill or if he used that as an excuse to come home.<P>After a battery of tests, the doctors concluded that his problems are psychological. He's currently being treated by a psychiatrist, and is taking an anti-depressant (Remeron) as well as an anti-psychotic. I discovered (on the internet) that the anti-psychotic is a drug used to treat schizophrenia. When I casually mentioned the 'schizo' word to him, he got very angry and contended that the medication was a "sleeping pill". He stopped taking the drug after a week because he said it was giving him headaches. The doctor prescribed a different drug (another anti-psychotic). He still refers to it as a "sleeping pill". I gently told him today that it might have a side effect of sleepiness, but that it's an anti-psychotic. I've been very careful to not use the word schizophrenia again.<P>I know how frustrating and hard it is to try to understand what is going on. Right now, the only clues I have as to what might be wrong with H is to look up the medication he is being prescribed on the internet. The patient/doctor confidentiality laws make it very hard on the families, sometimes. My therapist suggested I see if H will sign a release form so that I can talk with his doctor. I've been holding off on doing that; trying to find the right time, because he can get so defensive and suspicious.<P>Unfortuneately, with mental illness, it's next to impossible to get people treatment, if they don't want it. Then, once they do get help, it's difficult to find out what's going on, unless they are willing to tell you. Even then, you wonder if what they are saying is accurate.

This is a very scary thread. i knew that my H said that he could not remember why he fell in love with me, or how he felt then, but I thought it was a mean joke.<P>He constantly says I don't know to the questions I ask him. Like how were you feeling when it was the first intimate time w/ OW, emotionally; or when did you give yourself permission to break your vows; he does not even know when he fell in love with the OW. He says, maybe I fell in love before the first PA. Bull****. After talking on the phone for a month, after their meeting? I wonder if he really doesn't know, or if he is still avoiding.<P>He does exhibit the memory loss(ML) from day to day. When I feel we are making progress one day, he can't remember our discussion the next. I just thought it is because he is in a fog. I am more forgetful too, because I am distracted with my probs.<P>If I ask him to do stuff, he forgets--I thought it was that typical man thing, though.<P>Very scary...

cl,<P>Unfortunately, I remember details all too well..<P>Sidney,<P>In the last months before he left, he began to suffer many physical symptoms that he attributed to allergies. Maybe they were. For all I know, his allergies caused some chemical change in his brain that lead to depression. It is hard to know which came first.

BS, that's funny. When I asked my H the same thing... "when did this start" he said "I don't know" in the same hypnotic trance voice that he uses when he says her name. It is so weird. He says "I don't know" to just about everything.<P>Now, when I ask him what he is going to do about the current situation, he still says "I don't know". I just know he isn't happy about it, but is unwilling to give up working with OP>.<P>Even when I say "What happened to you" he says "I don't know"... but you know what, I believe him. <P>I truly believe I am watching a man who has faced his "shadow"....the "dark side". On the first night that "this" started, he had nightmares..... It was obvious to me that he was very frightened in his sleep. Prior to moving out...he continued to have nightmares and even told me that he was having dreams of falling off a cliff. He asked me what I thought it meant. I said....he was feeling out of control. He agreed. <P>In a more lucid moment...in the beginning....he told me he didn't think he could control some of what he said...<P>So, I do believe they just don't know!!! It is a disease....or hormonal or something. Whatever it is....it is NOT PRETTY>

TT,<P>My H has been having nightmares, too. In fact, just last week, he was having one, and in his dream he was screaming. He was making a gurgling noise, which woke me up! Later, I asked him what he had been dreaming about. He said to me, "Your ear had fallen off." I wonder what that means?<P>We've had conversations where he's told me he feels out of control. Once he said he feels like he's in a boat going down a raging river and he's heading for the rapids.<BR>Last week he told me that he's on a path of self destruction. He also told me that he doesn't think he could have a job that handled money again, because he doesn't think he could prevent himself from taking it!!<P>Several times now, he's made statements like his life is over (he's 56). And, that he always thought he survived combat in Viet Nam because there was something important he was supposed to do. He's told me he feels like a failure because he's never done anything "important".<P>You are right, whatever it is that's wrong with them, it isn't pretty!!!

burnedspouse,<P>Shortly after he left, I asked him if he ever loved me, and he said he probably did - almost like he couldn't remember, but he figured he must have...<P>tootrusting,<P>I think my H feels like he has little control over what he says or does.<P>As far as I know, he doesn't have nightmares. He has always claimed that he almost never remembers his dreams, if he actually has any.<P>sidney,<P>I find it so terrifying that something can overtake a normal, decent person so completely. Why do people spend so much time worrying about heart disease, etc., when at least that doesn't destroy your mind.

I saw a movie the othernight that had this demon jumping from innocent body to innocent body tormenting this cop with trying to find the demon in the next pedestrian! It was a big game.<P>I think this has happened to our WS's. That is why they don't remember; it is not really them!! <P>Just a little levity!

My H tried to drag me off our porch. He grab my arm hard enough that it left bruises. I had our S in my arms. Remembers nothing.

Sorry Nellie but I just can't resist. It'll make me feel better...<P>Yep my husband had a memory loss alright. He forgot..<P>...our vows.<BR>...our child.<BR>...our marriage.<BR>...lessons his parents, church, school had taught him.<BR>...his wedding ring.<BR>...that people gossip.<BR>...that people would see them together. They went to college football games here where most of our town goes.<BR>...that his reputation would be forever lost.<BR>...that this would scar his daughter and wife forever.<P>Thankfully though he finally remembered and came to his senses. Now he's in the process of forgetting again and unfortunately, I have the misfortune of reminding him from time to time. <P>He's trying to forget...<P>..what type of person she really is.<BR>..that she made a fool of him.<BR>..that she has a hobby of destroying other people's lives.<BR>..that she has a husband and child.<BR>..where they went, what they did, and what they said.<BR>..how much he hurt us.<BR>..how much he hurt himself.<BR>..how much he hurt his friends.<BR>..how much he hurt his company.<BR>..that he believed her lies for so long.<BR>..that he lost 2 years of our lives that cannot be reclaimed.<P><BR>Now we are both trying to remember that...<P>..God is in control of our lives and will restore all that has been lost.<BR>..we love each other and weathered the worst of storms because of God's faithfulness.<BR>..the time spent here on this earth is just a puff of wind in comparison to eternity. We will live out our treasure which is in heaven.<BR>..we can do all things through Christ Jesus who strengthens us. Phillippians 4:13

Wow, amhurt, did he leave you during this time?? Did it take 2 years????? for the affair to end. During his memory loss was he a very different person all around. Alien like????

amhurt:<P>ditto to what tootrusting said. i've only lasted 5+ months of this crap! hats off to you.

Here's a more recent one aside from my earlier one about wife saying vows contained no language that she had to stay with me forever:<P>We recently consulted a child psychologist to get primed for breaking the news of our coming divorce to our 4 year old D.<P>W and I went without child. Psychologist calls us a week later to follow up. I say to W, "Dr. _______ called today." W says "who's Dr. ______????"<P>Just goes to show where her priorities lie; they're with primping, getting her Mercedes detailed, cleaning her jewelry, and seeing the low life scum HS flame of hers after 20 years.<P>Criminetty sakes!!!<p>[This message has been edited by catamount82 (edited September 18, 2000).]