Why do we wait until it's too late? - Marriage Builders® Forums

I posted this earlier today, but it was lost in the afternoon "Black Hole".This is mostly for those of us who have been betrayed.I have been thinking about all I have learned here at MB and from the small library of realtionship books I have at home. One big question haunts me.Why did I wait until my ex was walking out the door to become an expert on realtionships? If I had spent a fraction of the time I have recently invested, back when I still had a relationship, my ex would have been the happiest person in the world.I know many of us are in a similar situation. We knew things were not perfect, maybe not quite right, but we did very little to change things, or learn what exactly was wrong. This really bothers me.Is it because:1. We never really cared that much about the relationship, and now we only want what we can not have?2. Are we just jealous because our H /W has now found someone else that meets their needs, that we had ignored? 3. Or has it just been one, big, enormous, wake up call?I think for me it is a little of all three with # 3 being paramount.I'm interested in what everyone else has to say.Keep the faith and God Bless!JJ

you know the saying and song "Don't know what you got till it's gone" now we all know that is true Lesa------------------ "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding." -Proverbs 3:5 Take care and God Bless. lms20ish@jobe.net

J J,I think for myself, I fall into all three. I always prided myself on the expert care I took for my H. I did all the cooking, cleaning, kids errands, scheduling, budgeting, family affairs, chicken soup when he was sick, pasta and sauce on Sunday, I treated him like MY KING. My house was ALWAYS picked up, not spotless, but always presentable. My kids are well behaved I was soccer mom, brownie mom, you name it. I never once denied him sex since the day we were married because I felt if I did he would go elsewhere. WRONG , he went elsewhere anyway.I feel I really truly failed because I thought I was doing it all right. Yet I know I have to take responsibility for not meeting his needs. I tried to be a part of recreation, but night with the guys, kind of leaves me out. Nude bars, again, no thanks. Golf, I would try but I am in charge of watching the kids 24/7. I basically was the housekeeper now that I think about it.I now know I only had about half of one need met and one other very rarely. That is PRETTY BAD. Now I am questioning WHY I want the marriage back. I am trying to stay focused that this is a stage of some sort. Will be posting about this soon.In regards to your point of view, I agree all the way. Maybe we all needed a huge wake up call. A lot of people here say they are happy with who they became, or who their betrayer has become. SO far I don't fall in that category. Maybe I am an exception, but I am too new to this to judge myself yet.

I think in my case I had tried years ago to express the dissatisfactions I had to my husband, and was not "heard," despite several efforts. I gave up, instead of trying harder/differently. Without realizing it, I began to emotionally withdraw. Then, he wasn't getting his needs met (and I did not fully realize, but did to some extent, and was past caring). Then, we both got a big wake-up call...

Kam seems to have me pegged...although I'd add the other element brought up by the *superMOM*. I simply tried to do too many things. There were just too many priorities...build careers, start families, achieve some wealth, build friendships...and so on and so on. Unfortunately, the thing that suffered/was sacrificed the most was the thing I thought....*could wait* until all the other stuff had been done. The time my H wanted me to do nothing and simply be with him....it's really sad but true....and there's definitely quite a bit of ownership there....J/J- my husband and I were having a discussion of my "heightened affection expectations" tonight....and we sort of "laugh/cried" over a thought we used to have....silence meant nothing was wrong !Hahahahahahahahahahahaha LOLWe're in recovery and we have more good days than bad...but I couldn't agree with you more...although I've learned alot...I'd give anything to have been a bit smarter in this area, invested my time better and simply be one of the **abnormal ones** out there, totally UNTOUCHED by INFIDELITY. I sincerely hope your late, better late than never, efforts are successful.-Tina

JJ,I'm with you bud. We've got several books on relationships that I never "found time" to read, plenty of time right now though. I hope it's not too late for all of us. To be honest though, my W didn't "have time" either. We've both been good at putting other people and responsibilities ahead of our spouse or family.I'll say this, she has my attention now, okay maybe it does take a baseball bat. Someone else who has my attention right now is my Lord.------------------ Fear God and you will have nothing else to fearHosea 3

My pride, ego, and general self-centeredness caused my to believe thic coul never happen to me... Bill------------------ BB

"I think wanting what we can't have" is even more painful when it is coupled with "you never appreciate what you have until it's gone". AAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

I spoke to my counselor tonight about how this is really bothering me. He resited a hindu phrase,"When student is ready, the teacher will appear"Pretty Good, Huh?