Marriage Builders
Posted By: HateMeIfYouMust Ready to be flamed...I am the OW - 02/27/00 07:28 AM
I don’t know why exactly I feel the need to post here. I guess I feel that most W’s do not understand the OW and lay most of the blame on her, instead of the lying H. I am not a tramp. Ripping a H away from his W would bring me no pleasure.<BR> I was in a very emotionally confused state when my EMR began. My H is very abusive. We agreed on divorce, but have to get some things straight before we can go through with it. I had been living in my empty shell of a marriage for months when my MM began pursuing me. He was so sweet and talked to me about my problems. He hinted that his own marriage wasn’t what it should be, and I wrongfully assumed he was in the same situation I was. I’m not going to use the excuse that it “just happened”. It didn’t. It was something I thought long and hard about before I let it happen. I finally gave in, and everything seemed fine until his W became suspicious. He freaked out and told me we had to cool down for a while.<BR> At that point I realized I’d been used. I realized that his marriage was still very much alive and that he was creating the illusion of a perfect marriage for his wife. I started feeling guilty thinking about his wife and the pain she would feel if she only knew. I was tempted to tell her, but I feel that is up to him to do. Plus, I don’t want to cause any pain for their children. I hope someday he will be honest with her, not for my benefit, but because I feel bad that she is fooled by him.<BR> I am ending it with him ASAP. I want him to know the pain he has caused me, and I want him to think about the pain he potentially could cause his wife. From now on, no matter what a man tells me, if he has a ring on his finger, he doesn’t stand a chance.<BR> These men are nothing but liars. They deceive us(OW) by leading us to believe they care about us. They deceive you by sneaking around behind your backs meanwhile pretending to be perfect H’s. There is so much pain on both sides of the fence. <BR> I am in no way justifying what I did. I was emotionally unstable and very naïve, but I still know it was wrong. I just think that many W’s are too quick to forgive the H, and too willing to blame it all on the OW. I wouldn’t blame his W for hating me, but I would certainly hope she would hate him just as much. After all, he took vows to her. <BR> Just food for thought. You can start the flaming now.<BR>
Posted By: Faith Hope Love Re: Ready to be flamed...I am the OW - 02/27/00 07:36 AM
I don't think you are going to get flamed here. In fact, you will get the support you need to end the affair you are having.<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13
Posted By: Keosha Re: Ready to be flamed...I am the OW - 02/27/00 07:48 AM
HMIYM,<P>Welcome to MB. I don't think anyone here will flame you.<P>Wish I could say more, but I've been having a bad week. Hope to talk to you again when I'm better able to communicate.<P>Keo
Posted By: Tulip Re: Ready to be flamed...I am the OW - 02/27/00 08:46 AM
I think that it is great that you realize the situation you are in. I believe you will find lots of support here to help you through this difficult time. <P>I know my H lied to his OW just as he has lied to me. I have always blamed my H for his behavior, but that doesn't mean I don't still love and care for him. In my situation, the OW is very aware of my husband being married with children and shows no remorse for her behavior. She even calls my house harassing me and causing more problems. After all the hurt she has continued to cause and her knowledge of me and my children, in my mind she is almost as much to blame as my H. In the beginning, I gave her the benefit of the doubt that she knew nothing about me or my children. Since that time I have spoken with her spouse and was told that this is her typical behavior. She has apparently has no guilt to what she is doing to my family or her own husband or children. I have no sympathy for this woman who continues to try and destroy marriages. <P>Your situation sounds quite different. You were lied to and deceived just as the wife is/was. Some very good people sometimes get themselves in bad situations. Hang in there and stick to you guns about ending the relationship.
Posted By: yes_dup57 Re: Ready to be flamed...I am the OW - 02/27/00 11:20 AM
Hello there and welcome.<P>Yep, I did say "welcome". You do have a place here. There are plenty good people here. Betrayed and betrayer alike. Some, like myself and my wife Suse who also posts are both.<P>My approach to the world is to try not to ONLY consider behavior but also to try to consider intent. Most people don't start out intending to hurt others. Sometimes they do out of their own weakness or needs. When they do, it then becomes a question of whether they are sorry for it and try to do the right thing.<P>Many people here are not judgemental. This is a great group and we try to help each other understand the circumstances of our lives. Through it all, we make friends. We even have some fun.<P>Nobody here is perfect. Do you know anyone who is? Yep, we all make mistakes. The question is...do we learn from them?<P>Keep posting.
Posted By: NSR Re: Ready to be flamed...I am the OW - 02/27/00 12:53 PM
Welcome HateMeIfYouMust,<P>I think you'll find a lot more compassion here than you'd expect. There are some very hurt betrayed spouses that are raw and bitter and in moments of their pain lose it... but in general this is the <B>most</B> caring place I have ever seen.<P>You're hurting too...<BR>We care about you too... : [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>There was a decent thread not to long ago... check it out... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/000677.html" TARGET=_blank>Not all OP are pieces of trash</A>. It is <B><I>mostly</I></B> a positive recognition that OPs also hurt.<P>I'll also mention a forum-member resource post...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000013.html" TARGET=_blank>Notable Posts/Threads</A>... with good "inspirational" messages (mostly for MB rebuilding... but good book stuff too!)<P>No flaming here!<BR>Vengence hurts the vengeful!<P>Praying for your pain too... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Jim
Posted By: Mitzi Re: Ready to be flamed...I am the OW - 02/27/00 01:52 PM
HMIYM,<P>No you won't get flamed here. You are just as welcome as any of the other OP's that post regularly here.<P>Sometimes, yeah, the H or W posting here does flame the OP in their relationship but it's usually just to vent to get thru a rough spot. It's not a personal attack on anyone here. <P>Welcome and Prayers,<BR>Mitzi
Posted By: yes_dup506 Re: Ready to be flamed...I am the OW - 02/27/00 02:24 PM
Hiya,<P>Typically the only flaming that goes on here is when there are 20 or more replies on a post. The little icon next to the thread shoots up little flame graphics. It's kind of neat.<P>Anyhoo... welcome to the Marriage Builders forums. You will find that your presence is appreciated. And youi will also find some very good ears and advice. Welcome.<P>Having said that, and having seent that you will not be harshly judged, would you consider changing your name? How about Lovemeifyoumust, or Madeamistake or Timetostarthealing? <P>Also... put something into your profile. Oftimes, when replying to a post or reading a reply we like to check the profile to make sure we are giving/getting appropriate advice.<BR> <BR>Anyway welcome. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Deut <p>[This message has been edited by Soulloss' exH (edited February 27, 2000).]
Posted By: chick's Re: Ready to be flamed...I am the OW - 02/27/00 03:41 PM
Hiya as well,<BR>The only problem I have is that your name is ssooooooo long! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] Anyhow, yes, it does seem that sometimes we have a tendancy to blame the OP instead of knowing all. In my particular case I blamed all 4 of us, me, my H, OW, and her H. All of us were kinda mixed up, the only thing I had a problem with is that she was supposed to be my friend and she knew how hard I was working to try and make things work. She hurt my feelings and I will never be able to have closure from that because I don't think she will ever look me in the eye again, it's too sad. If only she had expressed some sorrow over getting involved with him when she knew how hard I was working..........Oh well, <BR>Anyhow, it's great that your here, you can give us some fresh perspective on stuff! I'm sorry things are so bad in your marriage. Do you really want to end it or are you trying to find a way to bring it back to what it once had? Either way is alot of work. Hey, do us a favor and shorten your name, ok? [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] That's the only problem with long names, it takes forever to spell them out! God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!
Posted By: Mare Re: Ready to be flamed...I am the OW - 02/27/00 03:42 PM
HateMeIfYouMust,<P>I'm not flaming you, but until divorce papers have been filed, anyone has a chance at working out their relationship. Getting involved with a person who is still in another relationship in ANY way is completely wrong. I'm sorry this guy pursued you (it was the other way in my H's affair), but you should have resisted his advances until he had moved out of his family home and filed for divorce.<P>Yes, we W's do forgive our cheating, lying H's much easier than we forgive (if we ever will) the OW, but you need to realize that we have loved and cared for that person for many years and have a deep emotional bond with that person - something we don't have at all for the OW. That in itself makes it easier to forgive our H's and hate the OW.<P>Mare
Posted By: db713 Re: Ready to be flamed...I am the OW - 02/27/00 04:29 PM
Although I am fairly new to MB, I also would like to extend a welcome. I am one of the betrayed wives who unfortunately ended up divorced and ex moved in with OW. I don't hold her responsible--he was the one who broke the vows. We are all hurt by an affair, and this is a place to come to share your hurt and pain, and to learn from others. Welcome.
Posted By: yes_dup510 Re: Ready to be flamed...I am the OW - 02/27/00 05:11 PM
Hi HMIYM,<BR>Welcome to the Marriage Builders Forum. I don't post here often, but I felt the need to reply. I only wish that the OW in my situtation realized what you do: the pain that she and my H have caused me, our daughter, our families and our friends. She feels no remorse for what she has done...she said that I was the problem and that she was just the result of the problem.<P>Anyway, I just wanted to welcome you here...I don't think anybody here is going to hate you or flame you. We are here to support your decision to end you EMR. Good Luck!<P>Darlene
Posted By: HateMeIfYouMust Re: Ready to be flamed...I am the OW - 02/27/00 05:38 PM
Wow, you people are great! Your responses are the exact opposite of what I expected. I don't have much time to post right now, but I just wanted to thank all of you for being so kind and understanding.<BR> HMIYM
Posted By: genesforme Re: Ready to be flamed...I am the OW - 02/28/00 06:43 AM
You post is true - these men (and women) are users - ... Even though I do place blame on the other women - she knew he was married and what she was doing - I feel sorry for her also. <P>My husband was done with the relationship and tossed her aside in a very abrupt manner - I feel it was very cruel and I have as much trouble with how he treated her as I do with the fact that he did this. <P>My sypathy is limited though becasue she was 'involved' with several people - this is a real problem with her - so even though I know she was stunned by the sudden end of their relationship - she knew what she was doing... <P>
Hey,<P>For what it is worth, I blame my H probably more that the OW. In fact, it is why I have not confronted about her it. It takes two you know!<P>I am happy that you have come to the conclusions you did about your affair and am sorry for your pain. You will find suport here - not the flames of damnation. <P>Acacia
Posted By: professorg Re: Ready to be flamed...I am the OW - 02/28/00 01:23 AM
Welcome,<BR>We are all here to help you not to beat you up. You hurt as bad as betrayed. We are all here to be healed of the pain that we have endured (both sides.)<P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><BR> regilmor@swbell.net
HateMeIfYouMust, <P> I don't hate the OW in our case, and I do believe that it was my H's fault. Yes, she was wrong in committing adultery with him, as well her sin causing her husband untold grief and pain. Actually, I don't feel anything about her, most likely because I have never met her, and she is out of the picture now. I talked to her once on the phone, I was nice to her, she was pleasant in return. God impressed upon me that I <B>MUST</B> forgive her. After I forgave her, the horrible sick stomach feeling subsided. Yes, I forgave my H, maybe too quickly, but his desire to make amends was genuine. <P> I'm sorry for your pain. I hope that you will be able to withdraw from this relationship and not look back. This board is full of wonderful, caring people who are here to help each other. God bless you,<P>MTAW
Posted By: Disgrace99d Re: Ready to be flamed...I am the OW - 02/28/00 04:33 AM
I don't think you will get flamed here, what with the new attitude that is everywhere. You have been welcomed to this place. Strange isn't it. You admit you destroyed your marriage, and another family's marriage..and you are welcomed. I am constantly amazed at what I witness here.<P>You admit you took your time..and KNEW what you were doing..that means you had INTENT when you committed this EVIL act. I hope God can forgive you.<P>Yes he was Evil too, and he was wrong, but you have admitted you considered his wife, but you did IT anyway. A sad admittance by you.<P>May God have mercy on your Soul.
Posted By: terri Re: Ready to be flamed...I am the OW - 02/28/00 04:40 AM
HMIYM, when a person who has done wrong acknowledges that they have, and feels badly and understands the other's pain, no matter whether they are the betraying spouse or the OP, we won't flame them... You will find that I despise the OW in my H's life, but that is mostly because she has no respect whatsoever for anyone, no respect for marriage, and has made it a point to attempt to physically assault me, harass me and blame me for his current estrangement from his family (who want nothing to do with her). She is a self-centered predator whose own sister will not speak to her because of it.<P>But that is not the situation you have described - and you will not be flamed here. We can share with you the pain of being in the wife's place, if you ever want to know...<BR><P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I believe in miracles...<P><BR>
Posted By: lostva Re: Ready to be flamed...I am the OW - 02/28/00 12:18 PM
Hi from me, too! And Welcome. This is the place for all people who have found themselves in this yucky situation. So many people get hurt, and the op is one of them.<P>Everyone makes a bad call every now and then, some of them have greater consequences than others. The true judge of a person's character is not whether or not they ever make a mistake, but what they do to correct it and change their lives afterwards. I believe that your post shows character. And I'm proud of you for your honesty and your resolve for the future. Wish PT felt that way.<P>So, once again, welcome. You'll find support here. We always support those who try to do the right thing.<P>Lori
Posted By: bonnet Re: Ready to be flamed...I am the OW - 02/28/00 12:30 PM
Hi,<P>I'll be different and flame you....<P>a flaming lamborghini (which is a cocktail here) or a beautiful flaming candle, take your pick.<P>I despise my H's OW, but I hold HIM largely responsible. He was the one primarily doing all the lying, the chasing, the deceiving of his family. OW has turned out to be pshyco woman - we call her Kylie "boil the rabbit" after Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. She's a fruitloop. You don't sound as though you are that type. I'm glad.<P>Anyway, I'm sorry for what you're going through - infidelity is not easy for anyone.<P>I must admit to a certain hestitation in responding to you, however, I do promise no flaming. The kind you mean anyway!<P>Jo
Posted By: lonelymom Re: Ready to be flamed...I am the OW - 02/28/00 02:41 PM
Welcome to the MB forum.b [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Thank you for sharing your story with us. When I first discovered my H's affair, I was in shock. I blamed the OW for it all. I hated her. Don't get me wrong, I still hate her, but I now blame him just the same. I suspect he lied to her and still does. <P>You have a lot to offer at the forum, those of us who are betrayed, sometimes, we do want to lash out to the OP in our situation, but its nice to see some compassion for all. We are all human and we all deserve better than this. <P>Good luck, and keep posting! Dana<BR>
Posted By: WhoDat Re: Ready to be flamed...I am the OW - 02/28/00 04:01 PM
I certainly won’t flame you for coming to a place and trying to end an affair, but for this statement <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> These men are nothing but liars. They deceive us(OW) by leading us to believe they care about us.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I will. Don’t forget that <B>YOU</B> are a liar and deceiver as well. Maybe this one is just like rubbing salt in the wound for me in particular, because reverse the genders and you could be talking about my OW. Yet I fully take responsibility for <B>my</B> actions. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> I am in no way justifying what I did. I was emotionally unstable and very naïve, but I still know it was wrong.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Yeah, but you’re still making excuses. That last statement is a good first step, but misled or not, lied to or not, <B>you</B> still made the decision.<P>Good luck on doing what is <B>right,</B> truly. But don’t forget, you are dealing with consequences from a decision <B>YOU</B> made. You can’t be responsible for anyone but yourself, and you can’t begin to truly heal until you take responsibility for what <B>you</B> have done.<P>------------------<BR>Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die<BR><p>[This message has been edited by WhoDat (edited February 28, 2000).]
Posted By: trying2_4give Re: Ready to be flamed...I am the OW - 02/28/00 05:01 PM
I agree with WhoDat. I am not flaming, but you are trying to get us to put MORE blame on MM than you. IT IS ALL EQUAL! You said that he used you and pretended that he was a good H. Isn't that EXACTLY what you were doing/did? You never told your H of the affair you were having/had which proves that you wanted to APPEAR that everything was fine. You call him a liar and you did/do the exact same thing! This is what is boggling my mind. Your story was something that needed to be told, but it seems you are trying to persuade us to put more blame on our spouse and believe me, you have NO IDEA HOW MUCH WE DO BLAME SPOUSE! Yes we take them back and that might appear that ALL is forgiven, and it just DOESN'T WORK like that! It may take years if ever we can completely forgive, trust, and respect our cheating spouses for betraying us, their families and the RESPECT of our vows. Mostly the OP only gets called a few unkind words, but it in NO WAY compares to what the betraying spouse gets verbally, emotionally and yes sometimes even physically. If you get anything from these posts, UNDERSTAND NO CHEATING SPOUSE IS LEFT BLAMELESS, they get MORE than the OP could ever get from us.
Posted By: My kid's mom Re: Ready to be flamed...I am the OW - 02/28/00 05:02 PM
I admire you that you took the initiative to lurk in here and see how the other side feels. Yes, "us wives who could not keeep their man happy". I'm being sarcastic but there is truth in it too. If we were meeting their emotional needs men would feel no need for a OW to satisfy them. I knew we had problems, but never in my wildest dreams could fathom that he would cheat. He is just not that kind of guy. Or so I thought.<BR>Please tell his wife. Who is to say you are the only one he cheated with? As much pain I know she will feel it's better for her to know who is she sharing her bed with. If you do not want to tell her, give him a chance. If he doesn't come clean please let her know.<BR>You screwed up, he did not rape you. I was tempted many times to do the same. We all are. You are doing the right thing for breaking of with him, so come out totally clean. You owe it to her.<BR>
Posted By: No_Trust Re: Ready to be flamed...I am the OW - 02/28/00 05:14 PM
Remember, MM is 100% responsible for his behavior & actions.....but YOU are also 100% responsible for your own behavior & actions.<BR>
Posted By: nomoreu Re: Ready to be flamed...I am the OW - 02/28/00 05:17 PM
I didn't blame the OW until I talked to her on the phone. At that point she knew my H wanted to work on his marriage, yet she is still trying to hang on to him. She knows what she is doing wrong, she know that she is hurting me and our kids, but she keeps doing it. It's not really that they had an affair that makes me angry - I had some responsibility in that too - it's that she won't give up when she knows she's hurting a lot of people. I hope that you will understand that part of it and move on to better things in your life.
Posted By: HateMeIfYouMust Re: Ready to be flamed...I am the OW - 02/28/00 07:34 PM
First of all, I want to thank all of you who have been kind and supportive. It's not at all what I expected to receive here. And, hey, I did get a flame, on my folder next to my post, that's pretty neat. For those of you who had negative responses, I am not upset. In fact, I hope it helps you being able to vent your feelings. I don't take it offensively, because I do know what I did was wrong. There were a few responses though that I feel the need to address. Once again, I am not making excuses, I just hope I can shed some light on a few things so we can better understand each other.<P>Disgrace99_d: <BR> You wrote:<BR> You admit that you destoyed your marriage, and another family's marriage too.<P>That is not true. My H did a pretty good job of destroying my marriage before any of this happened, which he openly admits. I could have never had an affair if I felt there was one shred of hope in my marriage. <BR>As for MM's marriage, yes it was a stupid mistake. I automatically assumed that he was in the same type of situation. What did I learn from this? Never come to assumptions. I feel terrible, but I do know his marriage has other problems. He should have figured out exactly what he wanted to do before he got into this. He jumped in feet first, and had regrets later. I should have known better. The ring on his finger should have been enough to scare me away.<P>WhoDat:<BR>You say that I am making excuses. I'm not making excuses, just describing the state of mind I was in when it started. If I had been thinking more clearly, it would not have happened. It was like I was in a fog, unable to see the wrong in it, unable to make reasonable decisions. If it happened today, I would have no excuse rather than being a heartless sleaze. I have a broken heart over it, and it would be too easy to go running back to him, but I don't. I learned my lesson.<P>trying2_4give:<BR>You questioned why I say more blame should be put on the H than OW. I have seen so many W's, not all, but a lot, say what trashy slime the OW is, meanwhile saying how things are great at home and H is being so sweet, etc., etc. I'm not saying that you need to like the OW or leave her blame free. I'm just saying that it seems some W's turn their anger on the OW so they can forgive the H more easily. Although what we did is wrong, it doesn't necessarily make us all bad. I understand that some OW out there are horrible H stealing sluts with no conscience. However, I think most of us are just people who fell in love with the wrong person. We know better, but we let it happen anyway, and yes, that is wrong. The H on the other hand is lying to two women, one of which HE made vows to. He plays with us like puppets in his own sick little play. Everyone gets hurt in the end, but the H usually ends up being forgiven by his W, or he gets the OW as a consolation prize. The H usually always gets someone who loves him in the end, and whichever woman he doesn't choose gets her world ripped apart. That's why I feel A LOT of blame should be put on him.<P><BR>I will post again later. It's nice to be able to see how it is on the other side. In fact, I really feel like this will make me stronger and more able to resist Mr.Temptation. I wish you all the best of luck in rebuilding your marriages. <BR> HMIYM<P>
Posted By: Kat1 Re: Ready to be flamed...I am the OW - 02/28/00 08:09 PM
HMIYM, I guess it's understandable to at first, blame the ow, more than the spouse. After all, blaming the spouse is like realizing that the person we thought we knew and that we have loved for so long is actually hurting us on purpose.It's like we made a mistake in judgment, and people don't feel good about it or are not ready to accept that right away.In some cases it also kind of keeps the hope :"If she just back off, he would come back to me and things would be fine again", fells much better than "The fact is that he feels he doesn't love me anymore, and we either really change somethings or this marriage will have no chance". The first thought seems kind of an attempt to preserve self esteem, when it's quite low due to the situation.<BR>Most people can realise that it isn't always so, with time, and many do.<BR>I don't know of any case were the ow pointed a gun to our spouse and forced him to have an affair.Although as I said in another post, I don't really go much for the "falling in love" line, if the person is married the code word is "stay out". If by chance that marriage is really at a point where nothing can be done to save it, waiting for a divorce is the logical solution, anything else is just trying to excuse actions with a poor justification. But then again , most people learn by their own experiences, and it's difficult to have the insight without being in the situation.<BR>WHat matters is what we learn from it. ANd how we act after we learn it.<BR>By now, I'm sure you know the true meaning for the word [censored]*u*me [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com], it's not very safe and the assumption is many times incorrect.<BR>I 'm not flaming you, believe me. From the begining I felt my H's affair was his own responsability and decision. WHatever the ow did to help, might have irritated me at times - to say the least - but I could see I couldn't pass the blame onto her. I couldn't take it all away from her either. 50/50 seemed fair. Her assumption that my marriage was "dead" without even knowing anything about it or me, is no justification. The fact that she knew he was married, knew I was trying to work on our marriage ( and later H too ), should have been enough. SO she's to share the blame.<BR>Don't take me wrong, I don't hate her. Actually I wish her luck in her life and future relationship - with a single man next time, I hope -. I don't see her as an awfull person or assume she has no qualities. I do question her judgment, and her values, specially after H ended the affair and she continued to attempt to restart it by any means she could think off including trying to create conflict between me and h.But I do hope, that she, like you, has learned something that she can use in her life in the future.<BR>If you continue posting here - I hope you do - you'll be able to see that most of us are ready to help and support you in breaking away from the affair and that the majority will be fair.<BR>This is not a hate board. It's a place where people that are hurting can come and find some comfort and learn. <BR>Take care<BR>Kat<BR><P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.
Posted By: trying2_4give Re: Ready to be flamed...I am the OW - 02/28/00 08:31 PM
You say that "The H on the other hand is lying to two women, one of which HE made vows to. He plays with us like puppets in his own sick little play."<BR>You lied too, to your H, and to yourself for making it OK or making an excuse of "Well my marriage sucks so is MM so let's do it and you continued it. Believe me, I understand whay you are saying about the W forgiving the H and the OW is deemed the DEVIL. But that is the way a betrayed person usually reacts, as like it was said before NO ONE wants to realize that their judgement in loving someone and thinking that person would love and care for you for wrong. And you may not see it but you are doing the exact SAME THING wives do, misplaced blame. You are saying you know you were wrong, but this guy played with you and made you believe things. And exactly just HOW did he do that? By telling you these things, correct. Just like he tells his wife things that are not true, but she believed/believes him because she loves him and wants to believe him, just as you wanted to believe him. But since you found out the truth, now you are expressing that he is the MORE horrible one for doing what he did. Yes, we all know HE made the vows to his marriage, but you should have made a vow to your own moral character and self esteem of not ever coming 2nd to anyone, but come on, you knew he was a snake before you had him in your bed, now that the snake has bitten you, you act suprised, knowing all along what the snake could do. Both are guilty parties 50/50! He is no worse than you. I am not flaming, but just pointing out that yes wives blame the OP but you ARE trying to get the point across of how worse the MP is and it just doesn't wash. Now had you not known he was married then that would be a different story and what you are trying to put out there would be true, but you knew all along.<P>
Posted By: nobeswax Re: Ready to be flamed...I am the OW - 02/28/00 09:16 PM
HMIYM,I am not going to flame you either. You do not sound like my OW at all. My H is a people pleaser, he will bend over backwards to avoid having anyone get mad at him. He has trouble saying "no" to those he considers friends. The OW used these 'character defects' as weapons against our marriage. She also pretended to be friendly to me and pumped me for informtion about him. She is still sniping at him on a daily basis since he has not yet decided to give up the relationship completely. He talks to her on e-mail and instant messages and she refers to me as "the alien". That's this week, who knows what is coming next week. Before this she was trying to convince him that he was in physical danger when he was with me. He laughed at that one also. Anyway, you go, girl!<P>------------------<BR>I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then.
Posted By: Bystander Re: Ready to be flamed...I am the OW - 02/28/00 09:39 PM
<BR>HMIYM,<P>The OWs that get flamed here are the women who spitefully hurt the wife. I've read about some pretty unbelievable stuff, but writing nasty notes, leaving nasty voicemails, and this kind of stuff. Look for posts by terri - "the slug" as she calls teh OW - has written some jaw-dropping emails, for example.<P>OWs like that don't post in here, as far as I can tell. Welcome to MB.<P>Bystander
Posted By: help me Re: Ready to be flamed...I am the OW - 02/28/00 10:04 PM
HateMeIfYouMust,<P>I thought you might be my wife for a minute. <P>Gives me a new perspective. I've been so wrapped up in the two of us and our problems, as well as me "hating" the OM, that I've forgotten the other side of this.<P>My wife is the OW in his marriage.<P>Makes me wonder if she thought about what whe was doing like you did. She has said she felt that our marriage has been dead for a long time. I wonder if she held back on her feelings and letting things go so far but finally gave in.<P>I've thought of telling the OM's wife as a way to end their affair, but I never really thought about her or what that would do to her.<P>No flames from me. You've made me look at my wife as an OW and not just my betrayer. I don't know what that does for me but it gives me some new angles to look at and some new things to think about.
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