Advice/comments, please.<P>H and I have had a bad week. I may post what happened later.<P>H's cursing is an extreme lovebuster to me. Especially when it's directed AT me. I rose to the occasion myself this week, and said horrible things back, a real, verbal knock-down/drag-out, hit below the belt event, as nastily as possible. The next day, I made an appt. with our marriage counselor (we'd always gone together before that, but H had to work during the allotted time, and frankly I don't know if I really wanted him there or not), and discussed what happened. She made an interesting point--whenever I follow suit in the cursing dept. it, in essence, proves to my H that cursing is okay. Well now, botched that one, didn't I. And yet, I feel defenseless if I just sit there and take it. She suggested that instead of shooting back, simply say in response, "I am NOT a [insert expletive here]." I worry that this will still feed the argument.<P>ANYway, my H tells me that to him, his cursing is the same as my crying, an outlet for strong emotion. He sees it as no better/no worse. I said I feel cursing IS worse. We have children, would he want someone ELSE cursing around our children? He said no. So why is it supposedly okay for him to?<P>He was angry about one of our phone conversations yesterday, and my teenage daughter heard him call me a colorful name after hanging up. I confronted him, he instantly denied. Later, he said it was possible he said that; when he gets upset sometimes he doesn't remember.<P>He says he will try not to in the future. Promises, promises. Anyone else have this problem? Suggestions? Insight?

My suggestion is that when the emotions in your conflicts are running high, both of you should take a break. There is nothing that says that you cannot continue your discussions when you have both calmed down. <P>Your crying in these situations, although not inherently bad, is probably a sign that the discussions are getting too heated. I suggest that when you and your husband are both calm, let him know in a very loving manner that the next time a conflict arises, you will give him some sort of signal when your emotions are rising to the point where you are going to lose control. I think that you should also tell him that when you hear him use profanity, it affects the level of intimacy you will be able to have with him later, so if you see him begin to get to that level of emotion, you will signal him for a break. <P>This agreement will work, but you both have to agree that regardless of how much you want to make a point at that time, you will both respect the break signal. This is just my opinion, but I think that it might work.<P>May the Lord Bless You and Keep You,<BR>John

I think many people, especially men, do curse as an emotional release. I am not sure that it affects kids all that much one way or the other. Our oldest teenagers swear sometimes - our four youngest, including a 13 year old boy, NEVER do - yet they have grown up in the same household. I guess I don't see it as that big a deal, although it does bother me when every other word is an obscenity, even in normal, non-emotional conversation - as you hear in a lot of movies.

Thanks, John and Nellie, for your replies.<P>John...I will try again to implement "time-outs" when emotions are rising. I'm afraid neither one of us is very good at backing off. Maybe with Nellie's thoughts in mind, that it isn't as big a deal as I make it, and I CAN alter the course of a conversation with patience, we will find some sort of compromise.<P>My H has mentioned this before, and I think it's most definitely time to make a purchase. He needs a punching bag. And space in the garage for his drum set. Acceptable, and enjoyable, outlets.<P>Musing through why I get so upset with the cursing, I believe it triggers bad memories of other fights we've had. H has a point, he's a NY Italian--what else do I expect? It comes naturally to him. And yet, as we all know, things aren't always that obvious during courtship when we're on our best behavior. I fell in love with him before I realized the extent of the cursing.<P>H also likes heavy metal music. Aside from preferring lighter, more instrumented, music myself, I think it's the cursing that's so prevalent in heavy metal that annoys me. H says it rejuvenates him. It usually puts ME in a bad mood! <P>Laura