apathy worse than the affair - Marriage Builders® Forums

My W had an affair which ended several months ago. During the affair, she filed for divorce and has shown no interest in talking about rebuilding our marriage - no conversation, no counseling, nothing. More hurtful than the affair has been the abiding apathy toward me, toward our 20 years together, toward the harm done to me, us and our kids. I've heard several say the opposit of love is not hate but apathy. Are others experiencing this? A profound disinterest on the part of the betrayer toward the betrayed? At this point, that is the bigger problem in my view. Not surprisingly she is unwavering in her commitment to divorce. Will be final in a month or two. With no apparent recourse.I don't know if understanding this will help - it seems to be beyond understanding. But I'm betting I'm not the only one suffering the rejection of their formerly devoted spouse not giving a flip about you now (and they had the affair!).

DOC, I'm not in your situation but I thought I'd give my thoughts. I knew OW very well and were also related. The affair between my H and her ended on discovery. I'm lucky we are in recovery. What has bothered me the most and what I'm still stuck on is the fact that OW never showed remorse to anyone that I know of and aplogized to me. She is still married and her H and I use to talk the first month or so and he never even mentioned her feeling bad about what she did to me! She was too hung up on withdrawl and proving that EVERYONE knew about their "love". It amazes me that a person could have no feelins about the harm they so cruely caused! Maybe they are in denial - therefore seeing things through selfish eyes? I'm not sure. I'm trying to believe that one day the guilt will eat away at her soul and she will some to terms with her mistake. Maybe even regret? I'm sorry for the pain you are having at this time. Keep reading and posting. Take Care, BECCA

Yes, the apathy or indifference is worse. Sometimes it seems that my H. is indifferent. But it may actually be anger. He will answer my question with a question. Like me: "how was your day" him "How was YOUR day" It's so weird.But you said the affair was over 2 months ago. Maybe she is simply in withdrawal!!!! I would keep trying to fill her love bank.

Not sure if this will help, but that "place of apathy" is almost like a "rest zone" for the betrayer. They swing back on these incredible peaks of intense guilt and confusion over what they are doing to their spouse to the most intense pains of longing and "love" love for the OP. It is so draining...that to just "coast" is almost a place of relief. Without a doubt...someone who is in an affair, or has been in one and trying to "get out" and through withdrawl...is NOT in their "right mind" Not sure what to tell you...but making those small attempts to let them know you still want them...does not go unnoticed, regardless of what you may see or sense. How bad do you want her back?

I definitely want her back, and have made that clear in short, clear letters - in which I also put into words my failures in our marriage and my desire to work towards a better future. She has said no to every initiative. The affair ended 8 months ago, quite abruptly, because of some incredibly abusive things he did.