Marriage Builders
Posted By: lost11 (me) the other woman - 03/10/00 03:01 AM
i need help i am sitting here in tears he just left. i met him about 4 months ago when i moved here and met him one day and the next we were having an affair, Litterly, i am so upset with myself that i let this happen and i don't know what to do. he told his wife a few days ago and now of course she wants to work things out with him and he says he doesn't think that he wants to, i know that i should just end contact with him and move on but he was just here and he wanted me to help make the decission of weather he should leave his wife and 2 kids or not of course i told him he should do the right thing. oh my god this hurts really BAD. someone please help.<P>------------------<BR>lost
Posted By: Mitzi Re: (me) the other woman - 03/10/00 03:09 AM
Lost,<P>Glad you found MB but sorry for why you are here. You have taken a big first step! There are several OW and OM here so you are not alone.<P>You will get support from everyone here. We are all willing to help.<P>First things first, please stop all contact with this man! He has a wife and children and they deserve the chance to have a WHOLE family. If his marriage breaks up, do you really want it to be because of you?? Most affairs die within months after discovery. The odds are against a relationship between you and MM lasting. <P>Read everything you can on this site. Then read, post and read and post some more. <P>Prayers,<BR>Mitzi
Posted By: MENTAL Re: (me) the other woman - 03/10/00 03:18 AM
Lost,<BR>there is a really good post on the board. You really need to read it. It made me cry. Let me find it and I will let you know.<BR>Nancy
Posted By: Patient Love Re: (me) the other woman - 03/10/00 03:19 AM
lost11,<BR>I think you know what is right to do. Even if he and his wife don't work things out a relationship with him may end up being futile. Could you ever really trust him? He has shown the inability to work through marital problems and has cheated on his wife. The statistics are not good for second marriages and even worse for those relationships that are born out of an affair. Break contact with him and go on with YOUR life, don't let him dictate to you where the relationship should go, take charge of your life and be strong. Come here for the support you need to get through the rough spots.<P>I really don't have any other advice to offer you, my experience is limited as I am on the other side of the fence but I wanted to send you prayers and hugs...<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{lost11}}}}}}}}}}}}}} <P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole smile
Posted By: MENTAL Re: (me) the other woman - 03/10/00 03:23 AM
Ok<P>It is on page 3. <BR>From: Azhootie<BR>March 7th 7:50pm<BR>Topic: Booked a flight to be with Married Man Please talk me out of it.<P>On the first page is a reply from Soulloss.<BR>Read that...and by all means read all of the replies. That might give you some insight.<BR>Nancy<p>[This message has been edited by MENTAL (edited March 09, 2000).]
Posted By: lost11 Re: (me) the other woman - 03/10/00 03:24 AM
thanks so much for your support i need all of it i can get this is so hard. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Patient Love:<BR><B>lost11,<BR>I think you know what is right to do. Even if he and his wife don't work things out a relationship with him may end up being futile. Could you ever really trust him? He has shown the inability to work through marital problems and has cheated on his wife. The statistics are not good for second marriages and even worse for those relationships that are born out of an affair. Break contact with him and go on with YOUR life, don't let him dictate to you where the relationship should go, take charge of your life and be strong. Come here for the support you need to get through the rough spots.<P>I really don't have any other advice to offer you, my experience is limited as I am on the other side of the fence but I wanted to send you prayers and hugs...<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{lost11}}}}}}}}}}}}}} <P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><P>------------------<BR>lost
Posted By: BrokenButNotCrushed Re: (me) the other woman - 03/10/00 03:26 AM
Dear Lost,<P>You did the right thing, twice tonight. First, you told him to stay with his family. That's the right decision for everyone, including you, even though it may not feel that way right now.<P>The second right choice you made was in reaching out for help. All of us need help at the difficult times in our lives, and I sure think this qualifies. <P>You can make it three for three in right choices if you decide to call a professional counselor tomorrow. This is too big for you to try to tough it out alone. Talk with someone who has helped people through things like this hundreds of times. <P>Finally, and most importantly, pray. I don't know where you are in your relationship with God right now, or even if you have one. If you haven't ever surrendered your life to Christ, now would be a great time. He is the one who has all the answers and the peace you so desperately need.<P>If you want to, but aren't sure how, let me know. Leaning on Him is what got me through the agony of my own wife's affair. If you'd like to read my story, I posted it here just this morning.<P>Don't look back, only forward...<P>BrokenButNotCrushed<BR>
Posted By: lost11 Re: (me) the other woman - 03/10/00 04:00 AM
wow i am so glad i found MB i need this support desreratley.<BR>BrokenButNotCrushed: i have no relationship with god and i want so badly to believe but how can these things happen. i know i should get some professional help but i don't know if i can make that huge step. thanx so much for your support.<BR>Mental: thanx for pointing azhootie out for me i am in the process of reading the whole thing thanx for your support.<BR>Patient love: i do know what is right but it is so hard. i am going to be strong hopefully thanx so much for the hugs i really need them right now.<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by BrokenButNotCrushed:<BR><B>Dear Lost,<P>You did the right thing, twice tonight. First, you told him to stay with his family. That's the right decision for everyone, including you, even though it may not feel that way right now.<P>The second right choice you made was in reaching out for help. All of us need help at the difficult times in our lives, and I sure think this qualifies. <P>You can make it three for three in right choices if you decide to call a professional counselor tomorrow. This is too big for you to try to tough it out alone. Talk with someone who has helped people through things like this hundreds of times. <P>Finally, and most importantly, pray. I don't know where you are in your relationship with God right now, or even if you have one. If you haven't ever surrendered your life to Christ, now would be a great time. He is the one who has all the answers and the peace you so desperately need.<P>If you want to, but aren't sure how, let me know. Leaning on Him is what got me through the agony of my own wife's affair. If you'd like to read my story, I posted it here just this morning.<P>Don't look back, only forward...<P>BrokenButNotCrushed</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><P>------------------<BR>lost
Posted By: azhootie Re: (me) the other woman - 03/10/00 04:42 AM
Dear Lost,<P>You are doing the right thing in posting here and trying to get help from others who can offer you insight. I am on OW myself and this place has really given me the strength to continue to try to make the break. <P>Please be aware that there are LOTS of people hurting here and you will not be well received by everyone. There are MANY who will welcome you with open arms and understand the pain you are dealing with and admire you for trying to do the right thing, but just be prepared for the few who will say mean and ugly things to you. Thankfully, it's only a handful!!!! The pain of withdrawal is difficult enough without having someone bash you.....like you're not beating yourself up enough already? Sheesh, we wouldn't be here seeking help if the guilt wasn't eating us alive.<P>Please also understand that no matter how good your intentions are, you may backslide and instead of cursing yourself for doing so, applaud yourself for each time you DON'T pick up the phone or see him. That's the only way I am getting thru this. <P>Lastly......SEEK GOD. Lost, He is there for you and wants so desperately to help you through this. All you have to do is cry out to Him. He hears you and He feels your pain. <P>Please use this board anytime you feel weak or just need to put down in words the torment you are bound to feel as you go thru the pain of separation. People will help you here.<P>I will keep you in prayer. <P>Judy
Posted By: lost11 Re: (me) the other woman - 03/10/00 04:54 AM
az: i have read some of your posts and boy this is terrably hard. i do need the prayers and lots of hugs. i feel very weak because i am here in this town and haven't really met anyone and my family are hours away so i feel so alone. i don't know what i am trying to say here but holy i need to be strong,<BR>this is hell. i do wish you continued success and hope i can have the strenth you have.<P>------------------<BR>lost
Posted By: RCoaster Re: (me) the other woman - 03/10/00 06:05 AM
lost,<P>I don't mean any of my comments to sound harsh. Please, please think of how the wife must be feeling! I don't know if this man told you he was married, or separated, or whatever it was that he told you. All I know is how devastated his wife must be feeling. How devastated his children must feel. If you have been lied to by him - how devastated you must feel! But - <B>He is married!</B><P>My H's OW still 'holds' on to him....."as friends" yeah, right. Don't do this to his wife. <B>If</B> they divorce, that's when you can begin to see if you really want to build a relationship with this man - not before. My H has said that he will <B>never</B> get married again if we get divorced. Maybe this is enough for the OW - I don't think it would be and maybe H is lying, I don't know.<P>I hope you can do what is right. You do not know the 'whole' story - only his perspective. His W may not even have known that anything was wrong. She loves him enough to give him a second (or maybe third, or fourth, or fifth, or sixth or seventh.............chance) when will you say enough is enough? Will you take the chance that she will? Will you take the chance that he will finally break all contact with his wife and family? I'm sorry for you. I wish for real happiness for you.<BR>
Posted By: BrokenButNotCrushed Re: (me) the other woman - 03/10/00 06:28 AM
Dear Lost,<P>It's really quite simple. There's an emptiness in your life right now. And it hurts really bad. You can try to fill it with another affair or some other self-destructive behavior, but is that what you really want?<P>Just like I did, you need to invite Jesus into your heart. Only He can fill the empty space inside and give you peace and purpose in life.<P>There isn't some fancy, complicated ritual. It's just a simple prayer from the heart. If you want to give your life to Him now, pray these words and believe in their power to transform your life:<P>Dear Jesus,<P>I know I'm a sinner. I've done some terible things, and without your help, I'll want to go on doing them. But I believe that you want to help me. In fact, I believe that you actually died for me on a cross 2,000 years ago to pay the price for my sins. When you rose again, it was with the promise of eternal life for all who believe.<P>I trust in you for the salvation of my eternal soul. I invite the Holy Spirit to come dwell in my heart, and be my comforter, as You said He would. I give you my life, Lord. Mold me into the person that you intended me to be.<P>In Jesus' Name,<P>Amen.<P>...<P>Praying that prayer was the single best decision of my life. I hope it will be for you, too. Let me know.<P>BrokenButNotCrushed<BR>
Posted By: betrayedbeyondbelief Re: (me) the other woman - 03/10/00 06:28 AM
Hi Lost,<P>One thing I can say and I hope it will help you in your decision to break it off with him is always remember that the wife will always and I mean always be in the picture because of the kids. If you break it off and go about your life and meet someone unattached you will be better in the long run and so will this family. My h still loves me but has very strong feelings for OW. You must not at all interfere with his decisions and maybe it would be best to halt seeing him during this process.<P>I hope you make the right and only choice you can make. <P>Pam<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Pinky (edited March 10, 2000).]
Posted By: ThisAlex Re: (me) the other woman - 03/10/00 06:46 AM
Lost,<P>You are not lost. You're at home!! Check this post:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html</A> <P>Alex<P>------------------<BR><B>Live fully and always learn</B>
Posted By: Keosha Re: (me) the other woman - 03/10/00 07:12 AM
lost, <P>you've got some good advice above. I'll add my ideas to help give you amunition to fight your battle.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>i need help </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <P>I'm glad you came here, this is a great place to get the help you need<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>i am so upset with myself that i let this happen</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <P>Did you know he was married when you met him? If you didn't know then you are as much a victim as his wife. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>and i don't know what to do.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <P>since you are new in town and don't know many people you will have to much time alone and you'll find yourself very tempted to fill that time with OM. <P>Is there a college where you can take some night classes? Some high schools offer adult night classs also. Maybe sign up for a class for 2 reasons. <P>1. meet people and make new friends <P>2. fill up that empty time to help you fight the temptation to see OM<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>she wants to work things out with him and he says he doesn't think that he wants to </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <P>most people involved in an affair don't want to work to save their marriage while the affair is going. He will say this because he's living a fantasy right now. <P>When he wakes up from the fantasy and sees the results of the affair, who do you think he will blame for it? <P>Right now he blames his wife. If he divorces her and lives with you, or marries you, then someday soon he will "wake up" and blame you just like he's blaming her now.<P>He's already proven to you that he won't be a faithful husband. Think about that, would you want to be the wife of a man who treats his family this way?<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>oh my god this hurts really BAD. someone please help</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <P>Please don't think I'm saying these things to hurt you. Just the opposite, this is the information you need to win the battle you are fighting. <P>I wish you were my H's OW. I would give you a big hug for being the one with the strength to do what you know is right. Here's a big hug anyway, because you are doing the right thing.<P>((((((((((((((( lost )))))))))))))))<P><BR>Keo<P> <P>
Posted By: Sparkydog Re: (me) the other woman - 03/10/00 07:25 AM
Lost11,<P>There isn't a lot I can offer in the way of advice right now. Just know that everyone on this board is hurting like you and that we all are trying our best to get though a tough situation. We try our best to support everyone here, OP included [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] Just ask azhootie. I can offer:<P>cyber hugs {{{{{{{Lost11}}}}}}<BR>prayers, the candle is lit and prayers have been offered.<BR>support, I've been hurt by an OP, but I do realize the feelings are very real, whether I want to or not..<P>I do ask that you give no contact a chance, let your MM decide for himself what he really wants. We will be here for you, regardless of how much you backslide. We all do it. Just keep posting to let us know how you are doing. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>------------------<BR>Allen<BR>sparky_dog_mb@yahoo.com
Posted By: lost11 Re: (me) the other woman - 03/10/00 02:49 PM
Alex: thanx for pointing that out.<P>Keosha: thanx for the amo, and yes i did know he was married and i didn't stop it, i couldn't. wow you really make me think when you quote me. and i will be looking into taking some classes or something of the sort.<BR>i wish i was no ones OW... i wish you the best.<BR>Sparkydog: thanx i do need the hugs and the prayers, the feelings are very real. i am going to give this everything i have NO CONTACT. so sorry for your hurt.<BR>RCoaster: i need to hear it all weather it be harsh or not, i am a horrable person for what i have done and am going to try and move forward. i do think very much about his wife and children thats why i am here. i can't imagine what they are going through and i don't want that to be me in a few years time. thanx<BR>Pinky: you make such a strong and good point his wife will always be in the picture and i do not want that. i am going to try my hardest, no contact.<BR>BBNC: LOTS OF TEARS right now, i have printed the prayer and i am going to give it my all. God give me strength. i have read your story and am so glad that there can be happy endings. thanx for sharing
Posted By: azhootie Re: (me) the other woman - 03/10/00 04:15 PM
Lost,<P>You are NOT a horrible person. The fact that you are posting here says otherwise. You are a human being, one of God's children who made a terrible mistake. But who among us can say that haven't made mistakes in their lives? God lumps all sin together....murderers, adulterers, etc. There is no one sin that is greater than another in His eyes. Now it's up to you (and me) to turn from this sin and move forward to find someone who can give us 100% and not ruin or damage others' lives in the process!!! Be strong, pray that prayer that BBNC offered. Also, you will find strength in numbers. Find a church and try to become active in it. If you're not a Christian, it may be difficult and intimidating at first but I assure you, it will help in the long run. <P>And keep posting and asking for help here. You're sure to get it!<P>Happy Friday [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Judy
Posted By: kam6318 Re: (me) the other woman - 03/10/00 04:47 PM
Glad you found your way here!!!<BR>Kathi
Posted By: lonelymom Re: (me) the other woman - 03/10/00 08:27 PM
Lost,<P>Welcome to the MB forum. You will find peace and comfort here. I can not offer advice on your specific dilemma because I am the betrayed wife.<P>All I can say is try your hardest to do what is right here. This man has a wife and children. She has made many sacrifices for him, I am sure, and their marriage can become stronger because of this. If anything think of the children because they deserve their parents together, if it is at all possible.<P>AZHootie has some good threads, I am able to learn a lot of my own situation through her, there are a few other OW here, you will probably get some peace from them as well.<P>Be strong, and prayers are with you. Dana<P><BR>
Posted By: lost11 Re: (me) the other woman - 03/10/00 08:45 PM
well i invited my sister and husband and two kids for the weekend, because they know nothing of my situation and MM will not come around or try to contact me while they are here. i feel selfish for doing it and don't get me wrong i love them visiting, but it makes things easier for me (i think) but i know sunday is going to come along and they will be gone and then monday when i have to face MM at work (i feel like throwing up just thinking of that).<BR>thanx for all your prayers<BR>
Posted By: azhootie Re: (me) the other woman - 03/10/00 11:16 PM
Lost ~<P>Don't feel guilty or bad or selfish or whatever for having your family over. I'm sure if they knew what you were going thru they would be there anyway!!!! Surround yourself as much as you can with people who will love you and keep you busy and hold you accountable (even if they don't know they are doing it!!!)<P>As far as Monday coming, I didn't realize you worked with him. Can you switch jobs? I can only imagine that must be terribly difficult. Whilst I don't work directly with the MM I was involved with, our paths do cross almost once per month for business. Having said that, even if I did work with him, I couldn't realistically switch jobs without major upset to my life and my kids life so I am throwing that out there as food for thought but would completely understand if you couldn't. <P>Hugs and prayers coming your way!<P>Judy
Posted By: schizzo Re: (me) the other woman - 03/11/00 12:08 AM
OUCH,<P>I almost thought you were my h's OW. We have two small children, he sat me down and confessed all, but that was four months ago.<P>If you read some threads, any threads, you will understand what is at stake. I hope that can give you the desire to do what is right no matter how hard.<P>As Harley says somewhere on this site, there is no pain like the pain of betrayal. It is the worst pain I have ever known, worse than being sexually abused by my step-father while my mom did nothing. And the children sure did not deserve to suffer as they have. Thank God their young age has shielded them from understanding what was going on!<P>I don't usually come on this strong, but I think you need to know what you are doing to his wife and children. She is experiencing the worst pain of her life right now thanks to you and her H. The only thing you can do is stay away so his addiction can pass.<P>I could never be friends with his OW, but at least she did observe the "no contact". I am grateful for that, very much so. It will take incredible strength, but you have got to do this!
Posted By: professorg Re: (me) the other woman - 03/11/00 12:36 AM
Lost,<BR>You did the right thing by telling him to go home. It saves a lot of feelings:yours, his, his W's, their children. The pain would be immense for all concerned.<P>Besides if it did work out that he left his W for you, the odds are in favor of him doing the same thing to you. My W learned this first hand with her most recent affair. OM has another woman pregnant. She was hurt that he had been sleeping around while they had something gong on. I really don't understand why she would be angry with him considering that he was cheating with her on his W. <P>You have done the honorable thing. God is working on you even though you say that you don't have a personal relationship with Him. <P>MONDO HUG!!!!!!!!!!!<BR>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><BR> regilmor@swbell.net <p>[This message has been edited by professorg (edited March 10, 2000).]
Posted By: Samantha * Re: (me) the other woman - 03/11/00 01:33 AM
<BR><B>Lost11</B><P>I have read this thread and I wanted to say welcome to the forum too.<P>Everyone here has already given you excellent advise and I agree you have already done so many things right. You cannot change the past but, have the ability to change today and the future. I think you have made steps in the right direction and I commend you for that.<P>Naturally you are hurting and like someone else said I hate to admit it but, I know too that the OW has been hurt. I am a little bitter because she pursued my husband for 1 1/2 years and knew he was married. She wanted him and that coupled with the fact that he was unhappy is all she needed to go ahead. With the nearly two years of the actual affair she stole from me over three and a half years of my husband. I feel she at least knew what she was getting into while I had no idea what was actually happening.<P>Still I feel a responsibility for her pain too. If I had met my husband's needs (although he did not meet mine either) then he'd never had gone near her in that manner and she would not have had to experience the pain of loosing my husband.<P>I wish she'd been like you and either offered him advise when they first started talking or ever told him to go home to his wife and finish it one way or another. She never once did any of the amicable things you have done.<P>I will do my best here to support you and give you all the help you need. I will start with <B>{{{{{{{{{{{{{Lost11}}}}}}}}}}}}</B><P>There are many here that are hurting so badly. If they don't receive you well pleased don't take it personal. Everyone here is "Really good people." Sometimes it is just hard to get by our own pain and reach out to someone else.<P>I recommend you read the post I am enclosing a link to here.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/001477-2.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/001477-2.html</A> <BR>It explains the effect all of this has on the children.<P>I also recommend you read the book "Torn Asunder." Here is a link to order that book. <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0802477488/o/qid=952735558/sr=2-1/104-1177961-7047663" TARGET=_blank>http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0802477488/o/qid=952735558/sr=2-1/104-1177961-7047663</A> I think you will find it really valuable for you and to understand this whole complicated issue.<P>I look forward to your future posts and success at doing the right thing. You have a hard road to travel too. If you do that with God you will prevail in doing the right thing.<P><BR>You will be in many prayers here including my own.<BR><P>------------------<BR><B>God bless you and all of us. We are all going to make it, all of us! With God on our side we can't loose. What God has joined together let no man put asunder. <P>Samantha</B>
Posted By: Simply J Re: (me) the other woman - 03/11/00 08:35 PM
Hi there,<P>lots of people have given you tons of advice here. I won't say it all again but I want you to remember or think of one thing.<P>What you are going through is tough, both people go through a withdrawl period. You need support. We can give it here for you, so can others. Don't discount the strength your family can give. I know that you are feeling guilty over the whole thing. If you have a good relationship with your parents or siblings, tell them. Stress that you want to cut the contact and need help being strong. Parents are wonderful. But only ask those who you know can help, you don't need feedback that doesn't support you or give you strength.<P>Your Mom might be a good strength, talk to her and tell her. Then ask if she can help you , for example: You feel like calling him, or are sooo lonely you need to call him, ask you mom if you can call her (let her know why). And I bet, she will be soo helpful it hurts.<P>Big hugs, and remember takes small steps, day by day work at the problem. Too big of bites and you might choke, small ones get the job done too.<P>James
Posted By: SAME BECCA Re: (me) the other woman - 03/11/00 09:10 PM
lOST,<BR> I have been betrayed by my H and my niece/friend. It has been almost unbariable to live through. Please print these post, write down your feelings right NOW!! Then put them away but remember were they are. Then in the future when your married or a married man is asking you out; read these letters/posts and reconsider! I have wrote many letters to my H as therapy and he by chance have kept them. I feel comfort knowing that if he thinks of wandering again the pain it causes is there to remember! ( H tends to forget details). <BR> I am so happy you are reaching out for help! I'm sure that many of us betrayed are wish the OW would have had the courage. <P>***Special note***<P>I never knew wether or not OW was remorsful for the pain sHe caused me. If you ever are approched by the wife, please share the feelings you have in a gental way and ensure her that you are sorry! <P>Take Care ,BECCA
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