Marriage Builders
Posted By: inamess Withdrawal for the 2nd time. NEED ADVICE! - 04/17/00 02:56 AM
Hello yall, [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Of course, it is me again. I am having a rough time today. After H and I got back from church. We got home and relaxed. Of course this is the idea time for Satan to focus in on me. Knowing that I made contact with OM this week. Read the thread "Talked to Om for the first time since Jan. !"<P>I feel like Im in withdrawal again! I just cant seem to understand how OM gets by with all this crap. OM wife doesnt even know about the affair. He wouldnt tell her. Then he acts like it is no big deal. Like he has no conscience at all. I had to deal with my H knowing. Of course, that was my choice. I couldnt come in this house living a lie. I knew we needed God in this family. <P>Om told me that they were doing well. They had got into church. And everything was great! <BR>Do you really think that he will never have to face the fact of his W knowing. That was the hell part for me. TO think that H wasnt going to trust me ever again. And his W will never find out.<P>Does the spouse usually find out about it? Will it eventually come back and bite him? What are the statistics on that? <BR>I just couldnt beleive that he hadnt told her. Then to tell me they were doing great and were in church. To me that is living a lie.....<P>How long will it take to get over him? [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]I cant beleive I made contact. Now this all over again. Any helpful hints in thsi 2nd stage?<P>Prayers for me and my family please!<BR>Thanks,<BR>Renee [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<BR><P>------------------<BR>
Posted By: NSR Re: Withdrawal for the 2nd time. NEED ADVICE! - 04/17/00 05:09 AM
Renee,<P>I'm sorry for your renewed contact and the pain it causes you...<BR>...I pray for continued strength for you to end it!<P>You can do it! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Jim
Renee<P>Thank you for replying to my post. I'm really new here so I think I messed up the reply. At least it's on there. I spoke with my wife when she got home from work and she said she might get on here and post her side of the story. I told her that you wanted to speak with her since you are kind of in the same situation. Any advice or support you can give her will be greatly appriciated!!!<P>Again, thank you!!!
Tell the truth now.<P>Are you angry because the OM doesn't seem to be going through the same pangs of withdrawal missing you?<P>Perhaps you are thinking that his solution of not confessing and focusing on fixing the marriage seems a lot smarter than the<BR>add-baggage-and-then-try-to-move-on approach you opted for and that really makes you furious.<P>Or do you want to take a healing situation and destroy it so a woman can hate you personally forever and despise her marriage? No? Now you are thinking straight. Move on.<P>
Cuckold,<P>You are probably right. I did wonder if I had taken the right approach or not. Becasue he was getting by with it. As far as withdrawal, of course. He could probably care less about me. He just told me to stay away from him that it was to hard for him to focus on his marriage. <P>AM I NUTS????<P>Is is that Satan just gets on my back? I am looking at it as. He didnt have to go through withdrawal like I did. He didnt have to confess like I did. HE CAME OUT SMELLING LIEK A ROSE!!!!! <BR>I guess I just think it is unfair. <BR>Any suggestions for me not raging over his actions? <BR>Thanks<BR> Renee<BR>
Nsr,<P>I only spoke ti him on the phone that one time (Monday). I would never start this mess again. That just added fuel to the fire. I was doing so well.<P>Fulgore,<BR>You may email me at RPSTYLE@AOL.COM. If I can be of any help. Please let me know. I met a lady on the board here. She helped me when I first started withdrawal. I know this is hard for you. Just hang in there. You can have the most wonderful marriage if you hang tight with her. I promise it is worth it. The thing you haev going for you is that she is home. Do you know how many people are plan A and the spouse isnt home?<P>Now, she knows this is wrong. If she is like me. She got caught at her most vulnerable moment. I was very very lonely. And that was a result of it. SO I hope you have forgiven her. <P>My H was very supportive. Even though I made contact with OM Monday. I still would never ever think about that again. My H is making me fall in love with him again. I told my friend that I was thinking about OM. And that I had dreamt about him all night. She says well call him. You only live once. THat was not what I needed to hear. SO she called him for me. If she had said "NO CONTACT RENEE" I think I would have said ok. And left well enough alone.<P>Feel free to contact me. BE THERE FOR HER!! RIght now she feels like crawling in a hole and dying... PRAY PRAY PRAY!!<P>Prayers are with you<BR>Renee<BR>
Posted By: Sheba Re: Withdrawal for the 2nd time. NEED ADVICE! - 04/17/00 04:04 PM
Hi Inamess -<P>No, you're not nuts!! You're just going through some very painful life lessons and growth pains.....<P>He is not going to come up smelling like a rose either!! You have learned that HONESTY is the cement that keeps the foundation together for a GOOD relationship - this guy is not being honest with his wife! How much rebuilding can he accomplish? How will his relationship survive without cement in the foundation cracks? <P>Don't rage about him Renee, he's not improving himself at all....he is not facing up to his wife and is not even taking steps to correct why he cheated in the first place!! If he doesn't address the whys with her - they are both going to have one hell of a rollercoaster life!!!<P>THANK GOD that you are not a part of his mess!!! THANK GOD that you and your H can be honest and (although painful for the moment) both want to take care of what led you to stray...with those problems dealt with - there will be no stopping the wonderful marriage you can create and enjoy!!!<P>You and H WILL get through this - much better than that other guy and his wife.<BR>Not only better, but as stronger, happier and more bonded than ever before!!!<P>Don't worry about slipping and contacting OM. It happened...realize that you only hurt yourself more and slowed down you and H a little - then don't do it again!!! As far as your friend saying "you only live once" - to those who say things like that it is good to respond "Yeah, and I want to do it right"!!!!!!<P>BIG HUGS and forget OM - he has a lot of garbage he is dumping onto himself and onto his wife......be very grateful to be out of that mess!!!!!<P>Prayers and Strength,<P>Sheba
Inamess...you are not nuts. You are most likely feeling sad, depressed, and are hurt all over again because the OM seems to have gone on with his life without missing a beat. You, on the otherhand, have had to suffer the consequences of your actions and his, which is a badly mangled marriage. You feel guilty and emotionally spent and terribly hurt and disappointed that this OM, a person you had trusted (I'm asumming you did)has been able to completely dismiss you. You are angry at yourself for even getting into this mess and want so much to stop feeling this way. Am I close? <P>I don't know your story, but I can empathize with this withdrawl you are feeling. I was involved in an EA and I have never gone through anything so intense as the pain I have had over the last two months. I think for me what makes it worse is that the OM seems to have had no trouble breaking contact. My H called the OM wife, so I know things have been rough for him as well; yet, missery loves company, and it is doubly painful to think I am the only one suffering. <P>I don't know how long this heart ache takes. I quess that depends on the intensity of the relationship. If your marriage is salvageable and you still love your husband then I am sure you will find your way back. In my case, things were pretty bad before the EA and divorce has already been filed. Even though, I'm still experiencing withdrawl big time, I know that I don't want the OM unless he is free for me to have, since he's not, communciation is not an option. Have faith and stay strong...every time you make contact it's going to hurt you all over again.<P><BR>
Sheba,<BR>Thanks so much for the response. I guess I just have a hard time dealing with what I am going through. And what he is going through. It seems as it is nothing to him. My conscience killed me. I thought I was going insane. I had to tell H.<P>I guess that is whaat I have a hard time dealing with. He is coming out smelling like a rose. Not that I want her to find out. So she can harrass me. But it seems so easy for him. How stupid could she be? Her freind caught us at the park together. OM told her we were talking about their marriage. <BR>Withdrawal was HORRID for me. It was nothing for him. I tried to avoid everything for him. Then he told me to stay away from where they would be??? What is wrong with this picture? <BR>Will this catch up with him? Will she eventually find this crap?<P>I desire your prayers<BR>Renee
LonelySoul,<P>You are so right. That is probably it. although I do think that Om loved me. I just cant beleive that he doesnt care what I go through here. <BR>I am on teh raod to recovery. I ended it jan 1. I confessed to H. I hadnt had contact until last week. Take my advice. DO NOT MAKE CONTACT EITHER!!!!!!!! You will be back at square one. I thought I was strong enough to handle it. IM NOT!!!<BR>H and I are doing well. He is the man of my dreams now. So holld on to hope if you think there is any.<P>Prayers<BR>Renee
Posted By: Sheba Re: Withdrawal for the 2nd time. NEED ADVICE! - 04/18/00 05:01 AM
Hi Again Inamess -<P>I know that you are having a hard time..<BR>..I am sorry for that. I think that you may hurt more for the fact that it doesn't seem to mean as much to him as it does/did to you - yes? That is why I want to point out that you are very lucky that things ended. He is not a person that cares too much about anyone else....not his wife....not you..and God knows how many others in the past or future.<P>He doesn't seem to have the character that you do when it comes to conscience.<P>Rest assured that his wife knows in some shape or form....if not about an actual affair - at least that "something" has been going on with him. She is not stupid and is probably in this same hell that we all are. Only she is not lucky enough to have found MB and therefore doesn't know what to do about her suspicions. She is lost, scared and feeling very alone and confused. If he doesn't talk truthfully with her - she will carry this pain forever. Not so lucky eh?<P>And him.....well, he will just keep making himself and all the women he may come across miserable by his avoidance of communication with his wife. He will just be one messed up individual!!<P>You don't need or really want that for you and your life - do you?<P>I heard a good proverb the other day:<P>"A man's integrity is his destiny"<P>Your integrity is in tact - thus the need to be honest with your husband.<P>His is lacking......<P>I know that it is difficult to go through withdrawal, try to think on all the GOOD that is surrounding you. Your H, your conscience, you are not burdened with lies, etc. You can take this experience as a jolt from God for you and H to start learning and becoming closer with a kind of love that is strong and lasting.<P>The more you think on him and his withdrawal (or lack thereof) you are making him "important" while he is making himself important enough.....he doesn't need your help for that!!<P>The care you had for him resulted from things that you had inside that you needed fulfilled. Perhaps his care for you was only a "wanting" for himself. <P>I guess it comes down to this - You were both in a mess (as you call it) and now you have taken the steps to get out of that mess. He hasn't.<P>Who's better off?<P>Big Hugs, Prayers and Strength,<P>Sheba
Sheba, [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Now that hit home. You are so right. I just hate the fact. I am not working today, because I didnt sleep all night last night. Of course over all this crap. <BR>Your the best thing. You have so many valid points here. Im going to be honest here. I often wondered about him having other affairs. Which makes me very scared of STD'S. I cant stomach the fact that I slept with a man other than my H. My H was the only man that I had slept with. I guess that is what makes it hard to swallow also. I am just hurting like heck to think that I mean tno more than that. <BR>My sis says he is the one living in hell. Because he is getting up every morning wondering if W is going to find out. I couldnt imagine the baggage. Just like you said. He is in hell, not me. Mine is all in the open now. I confessed to H and my family. <BR>What was your situation anyway? Where you the betrayer? <P>Thanks for the prayers<BR>Renee<P>BTW, I have such a close walk with God right now. I am thankful this happened. Do you think this could have happened for a reason?<P>
Posted By: Sheba Re: Withdrawal for the 2nd time. NEED ADVICE! - 04/18/00 05:43 AM
I think that it most definitely happened for a reason!!! You know it too....just look at how you and H are coming along.<P>Would you both be where you are (even this soon in rebuilding) if this experience didn't occur? Would you have found MB and learned about what is really needed for a good relationship? <P>It's a rebirth - take advantage of it by learning, understanding and implementing all the tools that Dr Harley has provided on this site. NO couple can go wrong with this advice when they both use it......I think it should be taught in school and then we all wouldn't get ourselves into these messes to begin with!!! LOL!!!<P>My story...I am basically just like your OM's wife. My H had undisclosed problems and looked elsewhere for solutions. <P>I tried all I knew to get some honesty from him - for years!!! Then I found MB and I discovered that until he decides to face himself and his issues - NO relationship will work for him.<P>I love my H - he is a good person with a messed up mind. He avoids, runs and clears his conscience by blaming and ignoring. Until he stops jumping around looking for his "happiness" and starts looking at himself - he will stay in his mess!!<P>He has filed for divorce and has a certain OW (and other laydies) pulling him along. He jumps from absolute disgust of me to wanting to be with me in 10,20 years.....and keeps saying how "wonderful" our relationship will be when we are divorced.<P>Now, HE'S NUTS!!!! LOL!!! Just call him the Whack-A-Doodle!!!<P>So you see, people have to face themselves, they have to be honest and truly understand what drives them to do the things they do. Until they can do that with themselves and the ones they love.....nothing will work.<P>You are going to be fine Renee....<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba
Sheba, <P>Hugs! Your are right again. I was looking for so much happiness. I had went on shopping sprees. Bought a new car. Anything that I could possibly latch onto to find it. The only difference is. I tried to tell my h for 2 years that I was lonely. I had a nervous breakdown. After that I said forget it. I will make my own world. And I done just that. Now, you see what that got me. A freak to fall in love with. And a marriage to try to build back.<P>Prayer aree with you<BR>Renee
Okay Guys,<P>Pray that my vengance doesnt take over here. I am trying so hard. Of course I am hurt. And what is the human nature way to handle this? Me, to retaliate. I dont want to in my heart. However, the more I think about it the more I want to hurt him. I am trying not to think about here. Im sure you guys know how hard that is. I didnt even work today. Because i was looking for answers. AI AM INSANE!!!!!!!!! Why did I ever do this to myself?<P>I DESIRE YOUR PRAYERS! LIFT ME UP IN PRAYERS!<P>Renee<BR>
Okay Guys,<P>Pray that my vengance doesnt take over here. I am trying so hard. Of course I am hurt. And what is the human nature way to handle this? Me, to retaliate. I dont want to in my heart. However, the more I think about it the more I want to hurt him. I am trying not to think about here. Im sure you guys know how hard that is. I didnt even work today. Because i was looking for answers. AI AM INSANE!!!!!!!!! Why did I ever do this to myself?<P>I DESIRE YOUR PRAYERS! LIFT ME UP IN PRAYERS!<P>Renee<BR>
Hi inamess-<BR>Please know that just because the Om says everything is great at home, does not mean he is being honest with you.<BR>Think about how much better you feel ( and I can imagine, how much better your marriage is now that the secret is out and you and your husband are working on your marriage )<BR>and this is something the Om does not have.<P>Remember what it was like to live with the secret - that is the way the Om is going to feel every day of his life!<BR>If he has no consience and can move on with his life without this affecting him at all -<BR>thank God that he is no longer a part of your life- that you ended it when you did and that you do not have to deal with him anymore.<P>Remember - just because he says everything is great, doesn't make it so!!! <P>best wishes,<BR>Joy
How do I get over the wanting revenge thing? I never ever thought I could be such a thoughtless person, until now. <BR>i dont want to get in that crap again.I certainly do not want to stir it up worse. I just hate the fact that he is off Scott-free.<P>I have to get the revenge out fo me. I know what I will do. And my h would want me to do that as well. H would not discourage me getting revenge. He wanted me to.<P>renee<BR>
Renee -<BR>Living an honest life and being happy, no secrets between you and your husband --- this is your revenge!! This is something he will not have. He may live a life of lies the rest of his life - think about how miserable you would have been if you held in the secret forever - that is his life!<P>I did not catch the earlier posts - did he contact you last week - or you contacted him?<P>Joy<BR>
Joy,<P>I had my friend contact him last week. Then he called me back. He told me he would call me the next day and he didnt. So I called his house that night. he answered the phone. When he answered I hung up. The secnond time I called I said "Me begging you to leave your wife? Me, Chasing you?" and then hung up. That is what he is telling everybody at work. That I chased him, and begged him to leave his wife. He in return called me that following morning when he got to work, to see why I called. I passed him on the road also. He acted so distant from me. He acted like he was scared to death of me. This was the day before the phone calls.<BR>It hurts like HELL!!!!!!!!!! To think that I was a fool in that situation. <P>Thanks for all the help and support<BR>Renee
Posted By: Sheba Re: Withdrawal for the 2nd time. NEED ADVICE! - 04/17/00 06:40 PM
Renee -<P>Calm down woman!!! Take some deep breaths....<P>Take a step back from your "hurting and anger" for a moment..<P>What is it that you really want answers for?<P>Is it: <BR>Why does he not hurt like I do? <BR>Why doesn't he suffer from his wife and others knowing the truth? <BR>Why the hell did I do this? <BR>Why did I think I loved this guy and why did I think he loved me? <BR>Why the heck am I thinking about his problems when I am trying to fix my own?<P>If so - here's some answers:<P>Because he didn't feel that "love" the same way you did.<BR>Because he is not willing to face what he has done and is a coward.<BR>Because you were in need of something and did not know what else to do to get that need filled.<BR>You NEEDED to feel loved and you were ripe to accept his offerings...It is all part of the fantasy of infidelity. All you saw was what you needed - he saw what he wanted!!<BR>Your thinking about his end of things because you need to believe that you were not used..that you could never do that to yourself.<P>Do these come close to what you are feeling?<P>How about changing to:<P>How much have I learned about myself, my husband and our marriage through this?<P>What led to my feelings of loneliness and despair in the first place?<P>Have I shared what my view of the problems were with H and have we come to a better understanding of each other's needs?<P>What will it take to keep us on the right track with our communication so that something like this never happens again?<P>How lucky am I that the events unfolded this way and I am so fortunate to have a husband I can tell the truth to and how good of a person am I that I can be honest?<P>Which set of answers do you think would benefit you more? Or which do you need more?<P>You are a good person, Renee - no need to go down any vengeance trail. Humans can make choices. You have made a very good one in being true to yourself and keeping an honest character. <P>That's a good thing....I, for one, am very proud of you for that. What an accomplishment in a world where "only live once" is the motto for doing something we know is wrong and would end up hurting us.<P>BIG HUGS, Prayers and Strength,<P>Sheba <BR>
Notice I am the Queen of Fools - I understand what you are saying!<BR>We WERE fools, but we aren't anymore, right? [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<BR>The desire for revenge will pass - you will find that he is not worth the time nor the effort. Try to focus the attention and energy on your husband instead. I know it is hard and I know it hurts like hell!<P>Show him that you are moving on with your life without him, and that you are happier than you have ever been. This is the best revenge [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Joy
Renee,<P>I truly feel for you. When I started reading all the posts on these boards I felt worse. The more I read the more I got the impression that it was normal for the OP to have this intense withdrawl...well, it rang true for me, but not for the OM. It does hurt. The OM told me that I was the most important thing in his life, he loved me, and stupidly, I believed him. I am old enough to know better, but I did it anyway. <P>I have no one to blame but myself. I don't know what I thought was going to happen, but I never thought he would just let go without looking back unless he had be lying from the very start. I have been in counseling for four months trying to deal with what I did, and dealing with its aftermath. I agree, it has been hell and the hurt is crippling at times. In my case, I had tried many times to break it off, but he OM would never let go. He did when his W found out...he disappeared without a word. For some reason, I never wanted revenge. I just hope he hurts as much as I do. I hope his wife is giving him a hard time, because she should be for all of the lies she must have heard. I, too, feel off the wagon and wrote him, but he never responded. I was hurt all over again. The best thing to do is do your best to keep busy, get help if you can, and fight the temptation for revenge. Getting on with your life is the best revenge...and learning something from this horrible experience. If you learned something good or bad, it wasn't a total disaster. Keep praying for guidance and take it a day at a time.<P><BR>[<BR>
Why does a part of me still want the revenge? Is that just part of it? I only thought that pyshco paths only wanted the revenge. <BR>Well, Im sure it will be all over town and she will find out. So their is no need to worry. When she finds out, it will be when everything is running smoothly. Then he comes home and she is in a rage. There will be no repairing that onw. She will have to hear from a friend of a friend. You know how that goes. And her friend has already caught us at the park. And of course, he fixed that real fast, You know he would never so that. All that crap they come up with to lie about.<P>You know that she has to have an idea. How could she not? <P>Thanks for all the support!<BR>Renee
Posted By: Holly Re: Withdrawal for the 2nd time. NEED ADVICE! - 04/17/00 08:26 PM
inamess,<P>Just wanted you to know that I can relate to EVERYTHING you are saying...the desire to emotionally hurt the OM, the anger over feeling rejected and used and thrown away...all of it! I too went through major withdrawal and felt like the OM could care less. After he told me he loved me and was his best friend I couldn't understand how he could so easily just walk away with NEVER speaking to me again. There were SO many times I wanted to contact him...sooooo many. But, I knew that it would only hurt me more. So, I suffered through the hurt and those urges to contact him dwindled.<P>My husband knew about the affair and he was great in allowing me to just about "cry on his shoulder" over the OM...that's real love right there.<P>I know now, although I still think of the OM and sometimes still wish I would have had a chance to have the "affair" die a natural death, that my husband is really the better man for me. <P>Please know that you aren't alone in your feelings and things will get better...just give it time and NO CONTACT.<P>Pam
Posted By: Holly Re: Withdrawal for the 2nd time. NEED ADVICE! - 04/17/00 08:30 PM
inamess,<P>Just wanted you to know that I can relate to EVERYTHING you are saying...the desire to emotionally hurt the OM, the anger over feeling rejected and used and thrown away...all of it! I too went through major withdrawal and felt like the OM could care less. After he told me he loved me and was his best friend I couldn't understand how he could so easily just walk away with NEVER speaking to me again. There were SO many times I wanted to contact him...sooooo many. But, I knew that it would only hurt me more. So, I suffered through the hurt and those urges to contact him dwindled.<P>My husband knew about the affair and he was great in allowing me to just about "cry on his shoulder" over the OM...that's real love right there.<P>I know now, although I still think of the OM and sometimes still wish I would have had a chance to have the "affair" die a natural death, that my husband is really the better man for me. <P>Please know that you aren't alone in your feelings and things will get better...just give it time and NO CONTACT.<P>Pam
The up side of confessing? You found out that he wasn't worth it after all. Confessing also makes it more difficult to sneak around and meet him again for more pain. If the OM is humming along swimmingly without any consequences, then chances are that he's going to use the same lines on the next vulnerable female.<P>Have you ever read the entire Bible from cover to cover? What about just the New Testament? The Gospels? Most people just listen to sermons. Now would be a great time to do it to take your mind off things.<P>Phillipians 3:13<BR>1 Timothy 5:6<BR>
Posted By: Reina Re: Withdrawal for the 2nd time. NEED ADVICE! - 04/17/00 09:31 PM
Inamess<P>I can certainly relate to your anger and frustration. I was a betrayer also and I think you are feeling this way because you didn't have control on the situation.<P>Your hurt because the OM seems to show no remorse and could care less. This is a very humiliating feeling-believe me I know. <P>You feel so used and rejected and sooooo stupid because you fell for all those lines the OM told you.<P>Your thinking I got nyself in that situation so that I could feel like this????? <P>You feel shame and guilt and constantly question yourself "how could I have done this? it's so not worth it!"<P>Your angry because here you are trying to make things right and your having to go through all the steps when the whole time he's acting like it never happened.<P>Don't worry your feelings of revenge and anger will fade over time. Just work on you and your H thats all that matters.<P>As for his W finding out I wouldn't worry about it because right now you already have so many other things to consentrate on. It's soooooo not worth your time and energy.<P>And this too shall pass...<P>Just my 2 cents<P>Reina
Thanks so much for all the support. I will get over it. I know that. I just hate the fool feeling. To think that I protected him from my H. And I also deleted the message on my phone to keep her from calling and hearing it.<BR>This is the thanks I get. Oh Well!<BR>Thank God I have a good H.<BR>Prayers<BR>Renee <BR>
How can I keep this from ruling my life? This is all that is on my mind. I feel so weak now. I cant tell H. I cant do this roller coaster again. I know H can tell something is worng. I am so distant.<BR>Renee
Inamess<P>My w has had a EA thatturned to PA & she to keep thinking of OM. She to was lied to & reject once OM W found out. I have been very supportive for her during this entire mess.<P>My Question is if OM lied & only used her why does she still think about Him & the good times they had. She tells me now how much she loves me & that she is greatfull to have me. But she still thinks of OM. This hurts so very much. I fell that i keep giving & giving & would like her to be dreaming of me again. I know what i was not always their for her & have changed my life around completely. & plan to keep it up. I feer that i OM would suddenly have a change of heart that she would go back. If she keeps thinking of OM is she still wanting to be with him. <P>I know you can not tell me what she is thinking but you have been in her same place. It is so very hard nowing that the women you love is also still in love with some one else. Especialy a man who has lied & rejected her. & i who have remained faithful & comfert her during her hard times of missing OM is still second in her heart. If any of you W who have betrayed & come back to your H's can offer me any advice on what to do or not do i would appreciate your help. All i want to do is love my wife & have her love return for me & not have to compete with this dream or fantasy that she has about OM.<P>Thank you<P> LotsofHope<P>------------------<BR>
Lotsofhope,<P>I can tell you this for sure. The main thing is, that your there for her. Right now this is hell for her. I know you cant imagine why she has these feelings for OM. He lied and rejected her. That makes it even harder. My OM w didnt find out. She doesnt know yet. <BR>All your w is thinking right now is all the good things that she and Om had. He probably found her at the most vulnerable time in her life. When you are lonely and vulnerable, you can only see what you are starving for. I am a firm beleiver in that. My Om knew I was vulnerable. HE took advantage of it to. <P>It has been 4 months since I ended the affair. I am starting to have the feelings for H. I am starting to fall in love with him again. He to is in the same position you are in. She will get those feelings for you back. When she does you will probably be thankful for the OM. Atleast my H is. My H said he never doubted my love for him. However, I never gave him what I do now. My H is so happy right now. He says he doesnt think he has been this happy ever in our marriage. <P>I did make contact with OM. I had a dream about him the night before and that always makes it worse. She has to be strong. Let her learn from my mistake. NO CONTACT AT ALL. She will think that she is strong enough to call him up and see how he is. She will not be strong enough. I know your thikning how can you ladies do that? I really cant answer that. Except for the fact they fed us what we had been starving for, for years. This is an addiction. I was so addicted that I didnt know what way was up. We are into stock and alot of business things. I was putting all that I had worked for and earned on the line for this CREEP. All OM and his W had was a house. I had alot of investments on the line. Not to mention 2 houses and one that we where building. That was how bad it was. I thought I was so in love. And I was in love. But now I can see that I would have probably been in love with anyone that met my needs.<P>This is a very hard road for the both of you. Especially her. I know that for a fact. Not to say this isnt harder for you. I just know what it is like to love your H. But be inlove with another man. He has filled her mind with all this garbage. He just said everything that she wanted you to say. I can just about promise that. <P>Fill me in on your situation. How long has she been in withdrawal? How long has the affair been in the open? Did she confess to you?<P>Prayers are with you<BR>Youll be so happy you done this!<BR>Renee [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]
The betraying woman is in love with the way the OM made her feel. Period. She wants the feeling back. He was the only source of that feeling that she so desperately wanted in the first place.<P>Not much different from the little girl that keeps making excuses for her deadbeat Dad and all his obviously horrid qualities, fantasizing that somehow she will eventually get some morsels of his love.<BR>
Inamess:<P> Thank you so much for your reply. My w started the affair about june 1999. I asked her what was wrong on sep 17, 1999 she then told me about OM. She left for the weekend & came home & told me that she wanted to work on marriage. We started counsling that week.<P> W & OM work together still do. After one month i plan A. all that i could & asked her if she could commit to the marriage. She told me she could not that she loved OM & did not love me the same any more. So i asked her to move out & she did. We talked some over the next month mostly about the kids but sometimes she would tell me she missed me. But she was still in love with OM.<P> A little over a month passed & i finaly found OM phone number. Called his W & told her all about the Affair. She whent to work & confronted both of them. OM Told his W right infornt of my W that my W was only a mistake. That he never wanted her to leave me & he was tring to find a way to get out of this mess he had got himslf into. My W then called me & asked if she could come home. I said yes aslong as we whent back to Councling. She said yes & so she came home in Dec.<P> I thout things were doing well. I was being there for her all the time. Talking to her & sharing my feelings with her. We shared alot during that month. Well along comes Christmas & my W decides that she wants OM back. She decided that if they had sex that he would relise what he was missing. So she seduced him. She told me that it was all her doing & to please not call OM W. That OM wife would get her fired. <P>I died that day all over again. I thout every thing she told me was true. That he was there for her when i was not. That she had to prove that she could get him back if she wanted to. The hardest part was reading how exciting it was to be with him. & that it was raley that exciting to be with me. She says that it was only because it was new not that he was better. Well i told her that i was leaving That i cauld never trust her again. She begged & pleaded & for me not to leave. She swor to god that she would never do that again. So we started recover all over again. <P> We talk almost every night now. I still get hurt over little things even to day. She said that she wished she did not get married so young. So i asked her does that meen you regret being married she said no just wish she had time to be on her own. <P> I dont get things. She tells me that she loves me so much. That she fills so happy that i am so commited to her. But she still talks about OM & missing him. Tells me she wishes she had time on her own. before we got married. But that she loves being married. I get so confused from day to day. <BR>I get tired of being hurt over & over again. <P> I love my W dearly but dont know where this is leading to. I am so tired of hurting i just want it to stop. I know there are people who have been doing this for years my hats off to them. <P> Thanks for listing to my story. reading from your point of veiw was great please respond or ask any other Questions hearing from your view really helps.<P><BR> Thank you so much<P> LotsofHope<P>------------------<BR>
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