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<B>yuki miaka</B><P>Don't feel inadecuate or upset. In a different fashion my situation is also very different than most people's in this site, and I have also posted about my frustration for the lack of response not one, but many times.<P>The fact of the matter is (and I finally understand it) that when one cannot be helpful one also tries to not get in the way for fear to mislead or offend.<P>Hang around here; even if you don't get many responses (how many are "many" anyway?) you'll maybe get some ideas that may help you.<P>Alex<P>------------------<BR><B>Live fully and always learn</B><p>[This message has been edited by ThisAlex (edited June 03, 2000).]

<B>yuki miaka</B>...<P>Yes you are young... (1/2 my age)...<BR>...and patience is hard to learn and practice for the young. (not meant to be derogatory... honest.)<P>This weekend is exceptionally <B>s l o w</B>...<BR>...some are slow ...others have more action<BR>...but this weekend is something else.<P>I see you're getting discouraged with this particluar forum...<BR>...and you say that your problem is unique...<BR>...and it is!<P>Your situation isn't really an infidelity issue...<BR>...unless something strange is happening between your H and MIL.<P>But your situation has similarities to <B>all</B> of ours...<BR><B>We're all learning how to be better marriage partners</B>!<BR>The impetus is different...<BR>...our goals ...what we have to learn ...how we have to grow... skills to develope...<BR><B>are the same</B>!<P>I, most certainly, don't want to chase you away... but have you checked out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number=3&SUBMIT=Go" TARGET=_blank>Negotiating in Marriage</A> or the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number=12&SUBMIT=Go" TARGET=_blank>Pre-marriage & The Early Years</A> or even the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number=2&SUBMIT=Go" TARGET=_blank>Resolving Conflict</A> forums?<P>I'm praying for you... )<P>Jim

no more<p>[This message has been edited by yuki miaka (edited June 05, 2000).]

<B>yuki miaka</B>,<P>Have you considered <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>?<P> <P>Jim

no more<p>[This message has been edited by yuki miaka (edited June 05, 2000).]

<B>yuki miaka</B>,<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> requires a firm and good <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> before you transition into <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>...<P>Did you get a chance to read my old <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Archives/Archive-000001/HTML/20000110-1-011323.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Archives/Archive-000001/HTML/20000110-1-011046.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 101</A> posts?<P>Of course... on disadvantage of moving to <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>... is that "divorce" becomes a much greater possibility... <P>I hope you never have to make it to the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number=34&SUBMIT=Go" TARGET=_blank>Divorcing/Divorced</A> forum!<P> <P>Jim

Hi Yuki,<P>I hear your frustration coming through loud and clear. Yes your situation is "different", as Alex said so is his, so is mine. Yes you are young, about the same age as my older sons (also fans of anime).<P>A couple of times I've started a reply to you but just wasn't sure that I had anything to contribute to you. I'll go ahead and take the plunge, bear in mind that I have lived temporarily with my in-laws a couple of times and that I am closer to your MIL's age than yours.<P>I found it disturbing that you did not want to eat food that your MIL prepared. Both of our mothers go to great lengths to fix things they think we would like and would be very hurt if one of us refused to eat. If one of my sons' girlfriends pointedly declined to join us for dinner I would wonder about her,<BR>declining a particular dish, ok, but everything becuase I had prepared it! How could that be seen as other than an insult?<P>Try to think of your MIL as a asset to your child rather than a rival. Again the age thing (WW II, there are hordes of us), but both my H and I were largely raised by grandparents in our early years. It has not reduced our attachment to our mothers.<P>Try to apply plan A to both your husband and your MIL. Maybe she is an unmitigated ***** and nothing will work but it will surely surpirse both of them.<P>Last but most important, can you move? A little distance might make a huge improvement.<P>I've run on Yuki, think of it as a sign of age.<P>Take care.

no more<p>[This message has been edited by yuki miaka (edited June 05, 2000).]

HI Yuki,<BR>Okay, so this is a screen name-for many yrs I lived in a multicultural, expensive setting and what you described was not uncommon.<BR>removed<p>[This message has been edited by cl (edited June 04, 2000).]

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<B>yuki miaka</B>...<P>I hope you didn't get the idea that I was pushing you to the D/D forum...<BR>...I was not...<P>I just want you to think about your situation...<BR>...and in the big scheme of things<BR>...you really can't rule out a failure of your marriage.<P>It doesn't mean a failure with you...<BR>..or with your H... necessarily.<P>I see you have a faith in God...<BR>...a very blessed thing...<BR>...but even at a young age...<BR>...do realize that "<B>bad things happen to good people</B>"...<P>...that's part of God's gift of free will<P>...and there is little you can do with your H's free will... by definition... it is his!<P>I'm not sure if it is available to you...<BR>...but perhaps some Christian (or similar) counseling really should be considered.<P>BTW: counseling does <B>not</B> mean your nuts...<BR>...it's just sometimes we all need to be heard... <P>I'll keep on listening too... <BR>Praying too!<P>Jim

Hi <P>I've never responded to you, but then again, I don't respond much anymore, or post, for that matter. <P>I've posted over 2000 times, and I began a thread just like this when I came here! I know how it can be... but the one thing that I realize is that people read stuff but have nothing constructive to offer, so they just don't answer. It doesn't mean they aren't thinking of you, praying for you, caring. I know it *feels* like it sometimes. I was there. <P>I remember feeling like it was a clique that I couldn't penetrate...and then one day I just began posting all over the place and became one of them... offering my help, or at least just a thought...<P>I'm sorry your feeling are hurt, and that your situation is so different. To be honest, I had to live with my stbx's parents when we first married, and I wouldn't eat what was prepared either... and there were plenty of good reasons for it... so I do understand that.<P>Take care, and please don't take the lack of responses as a slap... most people just don't know quite what to say, so they say nothing rather than cause more pain to an already painful situation.

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Yuki,<BR>I too have a situation that's not like any other on this board. Unlike you, I've started a thread of my own just once. Didn't get much response. So I'd post some comments on other threads, and still not much acknowledgement of my input. Guess I don't know much! I keep trying to change that. When I make a comment, and then follow it with a specific question, I find people responding. <P>When I read this post of yours, I can easily see how much anger and hurt you are experiencing. Personally, I'm not sure how to respond except to acknowledge that you are being heard. Much of your post was a list of negative reactions that you thought you might receive. Is that what you routinely experience in your household/marriage? That would be a terrible situation indeed.<P>I'm going to wager a guess that you would like very much to get rid of that anger and pain. I've read through the plan a plan b material. Call me Bob Packwood, but I just don't get it. Then I read a post that finally made sense to me. Plan A is about making YOU the person YOU want to be. It's your key to leaving that anger behind you if have to do a plan b, or better yet, achieving a harmonious marriage. (NSR, am I starting to "get it?")<P><BR>

Yuki,<P>I'm late to this party tonight...LOL<P>I don't think you are different...<P>This forum is a microcasm of the troubled relationship society...<P>That said...Search for the similarities...<P>The biggest is emotional pain...<P>We can all identify with that...<P>It is the tie that binds us together...<P>I loathe my MIL's cooking...LOL<P>I think your thread has a flaming folder now...<P>Something to concider...We all understand the power of God...through him all things are possible...<B>BUT</B> God gave us a free will...It is His will for our marriages to last a lifetime...It may not be our spouces will for our marriages to last a lifetime...If they have hardened their hearts and refuse to live His will we can do nothing for them other than pray...I'm not saying to divorce your H but if you truly do all you can on your end and it doesn't work...God will give you a better spouce the next time around...<P>Keep praying and putting Him first and all will work out for you...<P>We know not what the future holds.<BR>But we rest in peace knowing WHO holds the future.<P>Bill<P><P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Well Yuki, I gave it the old college try, but it seems like I just made you angrier. I couldn't get both the links to work, sorry.<P>I too would be very upset about my kid in a car without a carseat, I don't blame you one bit. I would have raised all holy h*ll.<P>I was trying to look at things from both sides, hard for me becuase I really love my MIL and adored my FIL. I'm so sorry that you can't have a similarly affectionate relationship.

<B>lonesome heart</B>...<P>You've got it!<P> <P>Jim

<BR> Yuki, Please get professional help.

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hello yuki, I have to agree, you do need some professional help. That is not stated in a negative way at all. <BR>Taking sides? No, just giving different opinions of how the issues can be looked at. I noted that you chose a line or two out of many posts and responded negatively to them, or did not respond at all. You said nothing about the many compliments and postive statements that so many gave. You failed to acknowledge the great diversity of advice you received!!! I removed my previous posts. It appears you are asking for help and advice, then picking it all apart or finding ways you can disagree.....so???<P>Chip on your shoulder? Very angry and very unhappy? <BR>That is why I have to agree that professional help should be sought. There are ways to deal with waht you are experiencing, one just has to truly want it!

<BR> I do not think you are crazy; I just think you need professional help in order to work out the best way to deal with your situation.<P> God Bless You, GWM

I have to agree with cl. I can see from your posts that you could probably have an MIL from h**l, but I can also see how your MIL probably has the same opinion of you. You have to change yourself first, that's all you could do. Hopefully, your MIL would react positively & change for the better. If she doesn't, move out like you've been threatening to do all along. Your posts have caught my attention because you always complain of being ignored. People have a right to choose which posts they would reply to. Not everyone has a lot of spare time, you know. And even after people have started paying attention to you, you still complain of being ignored. Do you have anyone in mind you've been waiting a response from? If so, address the person directly, but don't complain if you don't get an answer. Maybe people have better things to do than listen to your whining. Being young is really no excuse, & you've overused it. You sound more like a spoiled b**t to me. I've learned a lot from this forum by listening to the experiences & advice of different people. I think you need to listen more & digest what you hear. You have to think, too. And take the advice or leave it, but stop complaining. Your problem is not insurmountable even though it maybe different from most.

Bravo! Ken! very well said.<P><BR>I've been mostly lurking at this website for almost 2 years. I hardly post. Mostly because i am not so sure i have any advise to offer, just thoughts and prayers..which i certainly send off to you also, yuki.<P>Yuki, ever hear the saying.. "you'll catch more flies with sugar"?? Try it. I also have a mother in law who dislikes me, she isn't my favorite either, but.. she is my H's mom, and since i love my H i give her a certain amount of credit and respect for bringing up the man i married. That doesn't mean i want her to be my friend, but...<P>It sounds to me like you need to be speaking with a professional counselor, who can help you make decisions in dealing with the problems you are having in your life.<P> First of all, living with your in-laws can't be healthy for your relationship with your H anyhow. When there isn't enough privacy, or even one's own space.. how can you possibly feel comfortable, you need your own domain. One in which you can be the wife and mother you so desperately want to be.<P><BR>I'm sorry that i can't offer a resolution to your problem, but know that i'm thinking of you, and praying for you to come to a decision about what you are doing to yourself and your son, by staying in an enviroment that is obviously making you so very unhappy.<P>Good luck, yuki... and best wishes<P>CDA<BR>

NSR<BR>I was just reading your profile.<BR>I feel so badly for what you've been going through.<P>You are not alone in this type of situation, technology has it's blessings and its' curses.<BR>So I am to understand that if your wife walked back into your life tomorrow you'd welcome her with open arms? I commend you for that...it takes a big person to do that.<BR>And full well knowing you'd have a long and difficult road to recovery. <BR>Hang in there. You never know what will happen.<BR>Sounds like she is sewing her oats 'so to speak'.<BR>I can relate somewhat. I did something similar. Something I am not proud of, something that ended my 15 year marriage...yes, meeting someone off of the Internet. But you know, it wears thin. In person they are NOT as understanding and loving as on line.<BR>I regret many things...but most of all ...<BR>the pain I put people through for 'my' pleasure. And believe me, there wasn't much pleasure. I would like to turn back the hands of time. But even though my ex loves me still..I know that..I doubt that the wounds could ever be healed enough to move forward. <BR>So good luck, and don't give up.<BR>Don't stop your life hoping upon hopes that she'll see the light one day...she may not.<BR>But she may. So don't give up hope. <BR>But continue to move forward and think of the kids. <P>My thoughts are with you<P>Lonely

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by yuki miaka:<BR><B> I can understand what you're saying, but from my point of view, it seems like everyone is taking her side and I'm the "bad" one. I really don't understand it.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I don't think people on this board think you're the bad one and that we take your MILs side. But YOU have come here and SHE has not. We can only reach out to you and tell you what YOU can do about this situation. If your MIL had come here to vent I'm sure we would have told her to PLAN A you. But you have made the first step here, and this shows that you have at least committed to try to save your marriage.<P>scandinavian<BR>

removed<p>[This message has been edited by yuki miaka (edited June 05, 2000).]

I've had enough. I said thank you to everybody who replied to me, but that's obviously not enough. I'm not going to take abuse from this site either, I'm outta here.<P>To the Moderator of this forum:<P>Please remove my username from this site because I won't be using it anymore. Thanks.