We are doing okay. <P>My young neice is still in jail because she gave her husband a black eye...., but BIL called the governor's office and they said they would call DA and get them to release her. She is a betrayed spouse. She used her foot to kick him away (he wanted sex) and that is how he ended up with a black eye. Uggghhhh. He called the police and they arrested her and they said $50,000 bail. She's been in jail all week. My sister and her mother in law have had the baby all week. This baby is the baby that has almost died several times from side affects from that Strep B infection she got when she was born. The young neice has been under enormous pressure this year. It is amazing she is still together. She just turned 19 a couple of weeks ago. <P>We need to be very careful not to get out of control - if our spouses are being that bad, maybe we need to get on anti depressants or something - I know it is hard to deal with our spouses affairs and the lovebusting can get out of control, but this is just toooo far, don't you agree? So, Betrayeds - be careful!!!!!!!<P>I've been sick since the end of May, but other than that we are doing pretty darn good. H still has contact with OW, affair is over, (or rather, his "almost mistake"...) his X wife moved 2000 miles to Minnesota and lives 4 doors down, now she wants to get a job at the little store in town where our mail goes... ick. <P>On Mothers Day my husband and I bought a lake house. It needs a ton of work, but it will be wonderful to get out of this town and to live on a lake. Today my job is to send out change of address notifications. I don't want his X having anymore information about our lives - and if she starts doing the mail for the store, she sees everything. It feels very uncomfortable.<P>She has been here long enough that now she knows our habits. She knows my husband stops at the store before he goes to work to get a juice, say hi to his sisters (who work there) and get gas if he needs it. I saw X drive to the store to be there when my husband was there day before yesterday. I'm sure it is not a coincidence. Us women can tell when it isn't a coincidence, right? <P>He usually stops at the store to get a coke around 8:00p and visits with a couple of farmers that hang out there about that time. She realizes this and was there last night. <P>My husband says I have nothing to worry about.... but, I think he is terribly naieve!<BR>Who in their right mind would move 2000 miles and live 4 doors away from their X husband! He doesn't get it. And he doesn't understand why I don't like it, either. geez.<P>OW is engaged, but is still driving by every day several times when the guys are outside working, too da looing her hand to say "hi!" geez.... Funny how she goes down a different street when the guys aren't out there working.....<P>Vultures.<P>You can see I'm about at the end of my rope in living in this town! X wife asked husband and BIL last night (While they were coincidentally together at the store) - "How soon before you move to the lake house?" "Tell me all about it"...... ick ick ick ick ick ick.<P>Other than that, my husband and I have been getting along so well. As long as I keep my mouth shut, and not lovebust, we are doing very very very well. It helps that his daughters haven't been staying here and stirring the pot as well.<P>We will be married 10 years very soon. I hope that my husband really wants to celebrate this. We deserve a huge congratulations!<P>Well that is about it.... How about an update from all of you?<P>TnT<P>

How about good news bad news updates....<P>Bad news, I suspected H went to lunch at hooters yesterday.....<P>Good news: I asked him if he did and he didn't lie.<P>Better news: After about a half hour of him not lying, while I was tying my shoe non-chalantly, I said "So, I guess it really doesn't matter to you how I feel about you going to Hooters?" and he said, "yes, how you feel matters".....<P>BIG BIG BIG improvement over last year!!!! Last year he would have said shut up.<P>And then he came and gave me a hug, and stretched out his hand to shake it with mine. He said, "I'll make you a deal. I know that you have nothing to worry about with me, but, I will not go into Hooters ever again. And, he said he would tell his friends that he will not be going there, because he loves his wife and has a future with her, and that he will honor the deal he just made for me."<P>That is progress, huh?<P>yup.<BR>

Love it, TnT. My H made promised not to go to bars with our friend (man) because that's how his fling got started.<P>Last summer when an old friend came to town, he did ask to go out with the guys. I wasn't thrilled he wanted to go, but understood the dynamics and knew this really was an isolated event. Well, "the guys" ended up going to a girly bar (one of several stops). When I asked him about their evening, he was honest. I had huge problems with the girly bar and we discussed them. He agreed it was no place for him to be and that he wouldn't want anyone from family, church or work to see him there. He realized it was a horrible example for a man with daughters. He really had just went with peer pressure, but no excuse.<P>He promised never to go to a place like that again, no matter what...not because I made him...but he realized it was just plain old wrong. Big change.<P>Every once in a while he stops into a bar/restaurant near work for a going away party...etc... He always calls, he only stays enough to have made an appearance and I am always welcome (but logistically it doesn't work out).<P>Isn't it great to see these changes in our marriages?

TNT - First of all, what good news!!!!! You guys have really come a long way and I am proud of you.<P>It's obvious that your H <I>really</I> didn't see how visits to Hooters would bother you, but his turnaround on that issue is stunning.<P>I have the same problem with keeping my mouth shut and it is sometimes really hard to do.<P>Keep up the good work!!!!!<P>update:<BR>W talked to her attorney last week. He had been concerned because there has been no progress since January(I filed in September 1999). We had discussed the divorce process a couple of times in the last month prior to her conversation with atty. and she said on both occasions she didn't know what she wanted to do, but maybe we should just "blow it off"(the divorce). Since I filed, I have to withdraw the petition, but I have hesitated since she hasn't been able to say firmly that we should stop it. I don't want to be accused(again) of making her decisions for her.<P>She told me about the conversation yesterday and she told me she asked if him if we could keep it on hold for now. He said we could until the court started pressuring us for some kind of action. So that's what we are going to do. I asked her about her change of mind concerning "blowing it off" and she asked me what I wanted. I said if we were going to really work on the marriage, I wanted to get that axe from over my head and stop the divorce(she knows this and has been told multiple times -- Why keep asking???). She told me to go ahead and withdraw the petition if that was what I wanted. Put the onus on me. That's standard operating procedure so I can be blamed later(at least that's the way it's been historically). So I guess we are still on hold for a while.<P>Don't know what the status is with her and OM. Earlier she was trying to put distance between them. At least as much as one can when the OP is your work partner. About 3 or 4 weeks ago, she told me of this and said that it was hard for her, but even harder for him, that they had(and I guess still) talked about it. I really believe a lot of what makes it hard for her is how devastating it is for him and now she feels responsible.<P>Anyway, at this point, I would say we have a 50-60 percent chance of making it. The longer the indecision on her part lasts, the lower that number will go. I'm not like some of the people here and I figure that 15 months of this is almost enough.<P>We get along great, have only had, really, two arguments in the past 4 months, but all the plan "a" in the world isn't getting her to a decision point. Don't know how much longer I'm going to deal with this, just taking it a day at a time.<P>--DeWayne--

OK, updates.<P>Dragon Lady has not called our house since Mother's Day. H mentions her only rarely. It's possible she's taken another job, though H hasn't told me for sure.<P>Trust is returning.<P>Marriage is better, though I am still frustrated with sex infrequency and H's lethargy about having fun on weekends. He seems fine and happy, though. He no longer goes out after work. I don't either. We have dinner togther every night -- shared effort. We communicate better. I still feel that I'm doing all the work, but certainly we have a better marriage than we did before.<P>I am constantly vigilant about his needs; sometimes I get frustrated with doing all the work....

The good news:<BR>My H grew up. He seems to have found the peace and happiness that he was looking for in the wrong places. My children are slowly coming around. When my son asks "Where's Dad?" the fear is no longer in his voice. <P>The bad news:<BR>I lost myself somewhere in the journey and I'll be darned if I can find me.

WS, good news bad news? why have you been on my mind..... sounds like a song I heard during a bad time in life... "looking for love in all the wrong places..." UGGGHHH... you are in my prayers, and I hope you find yourself somewhere in that journey of yours. Where is cl's update anyhow? Florida must be nice, huh? need to send out an ali ali oxen free free free? When is Canada Day? What are your plans?<P>FHL, Why does it somehow feel awesome when you say "love it...." I know one thing, 2000 is much better than 99.<P>Dazed - Maybe dragon lady is getting bored and side tracked. whew! that is good! Dinner at home everynight sounds like progress. What about your party? Whatever happened? Did you end up canceling it this year? How about slate.... did you cause a riot over there or what?<P>Heartpain, my X and I had our divorce on hold for a year, and the only reason I finaled it was because I bought a house and wanted to hold title separately. Had to be divorced to do that in CA at that time, and he was a butt head and wouldn't let me own my own house separately. If I knew the Harley methods then, we would never have gotten divorced. Leave it on hold as long as you can, or withdraw it. Maybe she is going to let you be the bad guy, but who cares - if it keeps you from getting divorced, right?<P> <P>

TNT<BR>cl has some major adjustments going on. I'll tell her your looking for an update though.<BR>Canada Day is Saturday? What day is it today?<BR>No plans. There is an annual rodeo here but you know how much I like being around cowgirl bimbos. (Tongue in cheek)

You could send that sound machine in your living room to the bonfire, and cause a major distraction to the rodeo......<P>just a thought.

Son is getting drums in about a week and there is a pair of drumsticks with my name on them. The cowgirls will be staying away from here.

We are doing great. <BR>After a big internal struggle on my part (the trust/honesty issue), things really seems to have fallen into place in the last week or so. Dare I say it?<BR> We are really in-love again. <BR>I feel so blessed.<BR>Kathi

OK...a real update.<P>We are doing fine overall. I am still struggling with intermintent grief and frustration with our level of intimacy. Right now I am fine, but then dark days appear for no apparent reason. So is this the real me or not? The good days far outnumber the down days, so I guess that is good.<P>Although we may never reach the level of intimacy I desire, I do think my H is doing his best. That speaks for itself. He is really working hard, so we don't have a lot of time for the two of us, but I think his dissatisfaction and the affair were caused in part from his stagnation at work after he got an advanced degree. Now that he has a new job and is using (and being compensated) for our hard work, I see his hard work as really a part of recovery in the sense he is experiencing renewed personal growth.<P>There are other stuff going on that require some tough decisions, but nothing tragic, so some of my struggles may not have anything to do with the marriage. As I make decisions concerning my career, he is being very supportive. Although he was never unsupportive, he now is really encouraging me to pursue an old dream I had on the back burner. That really speaks to my heart as well.<P>Although I will never be able to let my guard down entirely, I don't see repeat infidelity on the horizon. I honestly think we tweeked the marriage in areas that needed help and that the affair was not really a reflection of our relationship as much as a really dumb minature mid life crisis at a time of discontent with life in general. I hope I am not way off on this.<P>All in all we are doing fine!

My Update:<P>Since two Monday's ago (6/16), H has stopped going to counseling. I want him to come but only if he's there to work on our marriage. His reason for going was to help my counselor "help me" thru the transition.<P>I have not talked to him since then, he has called several times at work, on cell and at home. I am not in a good place right now to talk to him so I've been avoiding his calls. He doesn't leave msgs, but he's on my caller IDs.<P>Still receiving harassment calls from OW. Have gone to the police. Will probably be initiating Police contact w/OW sometime next week. YIKES!<P>I think I'm still in Plan A, although I am working on a Plan B letter. We'll see how things go and how I feel in the next couple weeks.<P>This is the longest I've ever gone without talking to my H in 20 years. The mornings are the hardest, many tears. I want to call him, but tell myself to wait an hour to see if the urge subsides and it does. <P>No plans for July 4th (4 days off), just flying by the seat of my pants ... will probably end up doing house work and MAYBE a trip to the ocean to visit SIL. Wish I could spend it w/my H, I miss him. <P>Jo

Hmmm...<P>Good news: I am getting myself a life, and it feels pretty darn great. A freind and I are taking a trip next week, going on a four-seater airplane to another state (her H is flying us) and driving home. I am so proud of myself. There was a time in my life when the thought of getting on any type of plane would have terrified me (heck, going to the grocery store terrified me), and I am so excited about this trip.<P>Better news: H is kind of freaking out about this trip. Can't believe the changes in me..the new adventurous Allison. He asked to come home to spend the night tonight (gulp). I've learned to leave H alone, and am getting the best results from doing that. The man needs time to think, and he is thinking...hard. But, yeah...he's going to stay here tonight (and while I'm gone) and I'm really looking forward to spending some time with him. I kinda like him.<P>Bad news: My mom had an ATV accident two weeks ago (yes, she's 67 and riding an ATV...gotta love her) he has to have surgery tomorrow, plastic surgery, skin graphs...ect. Has punctured lung, 3 broken ribs, broken collarbone. I am feeling a little guilty about leaving her a few days after surgery, but have done my best lining up neices, ect to tend to her. Part of the reason for my trip is going to where her cabin is to bring her truck back to her.<P>So, the good outweighs the bad...thank God.<BR>Hoping the same for all of you.<P>allison

Things are great here. H and I couldn't be closer. OW is still in the picture but only from a distance. We heard from a police friend of ours that she just spent the weekend in detox because she was arressted for dwi, providing alcohol to a minor, no insurance, resisting arrest ect. I can't help but feel sorry for her sometimes as I'm sure that she wishes she had never heard of Minnesota. Since she has been here she has lost her children, been to court many times, had 8 jobs in 10 months, been sued by us and lost ect. Other than that our life has been pretty good. Money has been tight as husband went way overboard with everything in his out of control life last year and I'm still dealing with that part of it but it's getting better.

updates huh?<P>Well, i haven't posted in a really long time.<P>Hubby and I moved away from old town and OM. It has been such a blessing to leave. LIfe is much better not having to drive by OM house and have to deal with all the memories and reminders of that hellish situation.<P>Our marriage gets better everyday. Some days are not always great. For we are both a bit insecure. He is insecure because of my dirty deed and I am insecure because of my dirty deeds. It just isn't fair to not trust your spouse becasue you screwed up....<P>We have been in recovery since April 1. That was the official NO CONTACT letter day and my decision to make things work. <P>There are days that H where my affair gets the better of him. For example if i am in a realy great mood, he thinks it is for reasons other than I am just in a great mood. That kind of stuff sets us back a little but at least we are still applying MB principals and they are working.<P>WE were never able to get counseling. although, I think i still need counseling. I do not feel like the same person. I still feel emotionally detached at times. I do know however, that I deeply love my husband. I still go through the occasional depression, sometimes it lasts for weeks. then for weekds i am good.<P>God is still the rock of my life.<P>"I can do all things through HIm who strengthens me"<BR>mercy

Update:<P>Doing pretty good, even despite my H working nights, again! I haven't had trouble w/that so far. I do miss going to sleep w/him, though! That'll take awhile to get used to, again!<P>XOM has not called, and I'm sure he's received my no contact letter. Even if he did call, it would not be a problem for me. I'm prepared w/my "You've gotten my letter, please don't call again" statement (thanks, Jim! ). And I also don't have that desire or need to talk to him, either.<P>I'm just striving to stay close to my H; it does take some work to stay out of the no communication rutt!<P>My prayers are with you all!!

Ok, guess I'll go next.<P>We're close to five months in recovery and things are going along really well.<P>We're talking better, LISTENING better, laughing and loving each other better than we have in years. I couldn't realistically ask for Robert to be more wonderful.<P>I'm still struggling with the new schedule, which just happens to be NO schedule!! My dream come true and I am not handling it as well as I thought! Oh,well, 25 years of working, guess that's a hard habit to break! But, I do believe I'm finally "getting it" and I'm starting to be ready to move up a step! Yayy for me!<P>Kristin's made strides since the big "breakthrough" and I really feel like there's an awful lot of healing going on here. I don't worry anymore about getting teary, or annoyed, or letting him know what's bothering me.....we've learned to deal with those kinds of things pretty well.<P>All in all, what a CHANGE from a year ago, huh? <P>It's awfully nice to hear some of the progress going on around here.....we spent some long LONG nights together for a long, long time.<P>Ok, gotta run. Talk to you guys soon.<P>Luv to all,<P>Lori

Continuing mediation, have been separated since November, bought separate houses, have my son 33% of the time (yuk). Her om left his family in April so her life is going well.<BR>I asked her to marry me on the 4th of July 13 years ago.... I hate memories especially the ones that were lies cause she was in love with someone else...

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I'm sure that she wishes she had never heard of Minnesota. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>LOL... she's not the only one... <P>------------------<BR>Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die

Hey WhoDat, What's your Minnesota story?<P>I'd love to know!<P>Jill

Hello people <P>Updates.. updates... lately my updates seem all the same.<P>Yes we're still doing fine. Kids are showing signs that they're also forgetting about it.<BR>Although life is throwing us another curve - I'm not sure if I'll still have my job come september, and his new job is not really giving us the together/family time we thought we were going to get - at least we're facing this one completely together, and maybe because of that it doesn't feel that bad <P>Oh.. yes... forgot about D-day for the second year in a row LOL this is good right But as Lori said, there was an unconscient low mood for a bit even though I didn't really realise the reason until I thought about it. In any case it went fine.<P>Pf course our life is not only "ups" there have been a few downs but really minor if I think about it, and not even related to the affair at all.<P>Tnt, I really enjoyed reading the good news. That sounds great.<P>wassy, should I get my flashlight and start looking? between us all we might be able to find you somewhere Seriuosly though, I think I understand and I think I went a bit trough something like that a while ago. Feel like talking? I'll be home now, so I'll check the computer more often.<P>ANyway, it feels great to be back on the forum and to find so many old friends here... as well as new ones.<P>Hugs to all<P>Kat

TNT & Crazy or What:<P>Whazzup with Minnesota stories....you're scaring me. Is Minnesota 'catnip' for OW's?? Gawd, I hope not. I don't need OW with OC in tow showing up on my Minnesota doorstep.<P>TNT: Is there a 'Hooters' up there in the Arrowhead or the woods (where ever you are) with the moose and bear?<P>Spouse and I have been struggling with legitimate recovery for one year with a few set backs due to the alcoholism and bipolar disorder (his) however, the medication is working and we are in true recovery.<P>Our problem is the intimacy issues and I am wondering why this has changed so drastically since the affair in late 98. When he first came home in January 99, there were no intimacy problems for a whole year...it was like it was before only better in spite of his chemical dependency. <BR>But since our trip to New York in March 2000 to deal with the child support hearings, intimacy has taken a huge nosedive and I find myself wondering why. <BR>My needs are not being met and I feel detached from him...the closeness is waning instead of gathering momentum, and I am alarmed and saddened that this is happening. I need the closeness. He seems to have little or no desire and I am getting increasingly resentful because he was so aggressive with OW. I want him to want me like he wanted her, or especially to want me like he used to want me. <BR>Once upon a time for nearly two decades there was a time when he couldn't get enough of me. I hate feeling so undesirable when I am such a babe! ha ha ha And I find it more and more difficult to ignore the looks of admiration from others.<BR>We all need to feel desired and adored in order to recover.<P>Catnip =^^=

We made love this morning. She is talking more with me. She confers with me when putting money in church like she used to. She didn't go to the skating rink last night (she has been going regularly even when she was tired.) Things are much better than I thought they would be for a long time.<P>I think the counselling she is getting is helping. I am not sure she has been diagnosed as bipolar, I think she is because she has to many of the symptoms. Psychologist has not asked to talk to me yet to get the other side of the story before calling me overbearing. I am not denying being somewhat overbearing because life is to short to not be serious about everything to include our marriage.<P>She still is not saying I love you on a regular basis but the ocassional slip is wonderful. When she does slip the tone says that it is genuine. For all this I thank God because I have been praying that He would show me what parts of me need to change that would allow me to become the husabnd and father he wants me to be for her and the boys respectively.<P>God is wonderful and is getting my attention all the time about little things I can change to make things better for her and thereby for the boys and me.<P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><BR> regilmor@swbell.net

My OW was from Minnesota (I'm the betrayer, even though I haven't talked to her in over two years). Internet affair turned RL, and no offense to those people who love it there, but as a California boy, I can't imagine living someplace you couldn't go outside 10 months out of the year.<P>One quick side note... I read a post from her on the latest incarnation of the Forum we met at a few months ago... and I was a little disgusted at myself for feeling anything but contempt for her. She is SO everything I never wanted in a woman...<P>------------------<BR>Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die

I found MB in April and still have a looong way to go. At that time I felt that my H cared so little about me that it wouldn't even hurt his feelings if I had an affair. Our marriage is platonic, and I was finding the thought of an affair very appealing. Fortunately, I found this site and quickly realized what a bad bad bad bad idea that is! <P>On bad days I think of him as having no interest in anyone other than himself. Even on good days I'm not sure it's much of an exaggeration. Like I said, there's a long road ahead. He won't do the ENQ. My top emotional need right now is financial support and affection. June is over now, and I still have June bills not paid yet. I'm very fearful of what will happen to us. The worst part is having no one to talk to about it. <P>I have to say that the extent of progress MB-style here is the reduction of LBing. This alone has made such a huge difference!!!! We get along better, but it's very superficial. But hey, that's improvement over yelling, crying, scowling, and being miserable. I want the improvements to go deeper. It took me a while to figure out that Plan A still applies even if there's no affair involved. Plan A is about making me the best I can be -- consistently. I have a long way to go there too. I get a lot of inspiration here. Thanks y'all for sharing.

Hello MB friends,<P>Dday was 9-27-99, I found this site a week later but didn't post anything until December. I don't know exactly how long we have been in recovery. We never split up, but it took several weeks for the shock to wear off and for me to commit to working on our marriage. My husband, username firestorm, committed to saving it even before dday.<P>We don't have any fairy-talelike recovery thing going. It is slow, steady and very hard work. Recovery is often referred to as a rollercoaster ride, and that seems to be a good analogy. Over the past several months the ride has become smoother, with fewer rough spots. The "highs" are higher, and the "lows" aren't so low.<P>We are both very committed to staying together, but the adjustment is very difficult for both of us. I am trying to focus on all the good things we still have to share instead of dwelling on those things that are lost forever.<P>I feel absolutely certain that we will eventually be a big MB success story, though our results aren't as dramatic as some of the couples here. TIME and PATIENCE (those two hated words) are definitely what it takes. I also wholeheartedly believe in Dr. Harley's principles and give this site much of the credit for the progress we have made.<P>We are doing very well, and eight months ago it seemed completely hopeless.<P>Best wishes for us all,<P>Peppermint

My update:<P>We are getting divorced. I know that this is marriage builders, but this is best for me and my kids. I guess you all know about my marriage by now. <P>I have been better than I was the whole time I was living with H. I get my kids and the house and car. And I got a decent job in May that I love. Im doing so good on my own. Plus my kids are happier. <P>H doesn't see the kids very much. Maybe once a month. But that is something he's going to have to deal with. They have other men in their lives that treat them good. (My father, my brother, and a friend of my H's that does stuff with them every weekend). They are adjusting.<P>We have reached a tentative financial settlement. Nothing has been signed yet but should be soon. Hopefully the divorce will be final by the end of the month. <P>I know it doesn't seem like a success story, but for me it is. My H is a physically abusive alcoholic. This is truly the best thing for me and my kids.<P>Mitzi

Con, <BR>Well, you asked for an update and here it is! My dad just got operated on yesterday for a brain tumor in Syracuse, NY. He survived and they say he is on the road to recovery, THANKS BE TO GOD!!!<BR>The baby is growing and cooing and I'm in love with being a Mom again......until he starts talking at least! <BR>Chick and I are doing well, we are celebrating our 7th wedding anniversary today, but it's actually tomorrow...I just needed the celebration a day early! <BR>The other bad thing,(Wassy, I am really TRYING HARD to deal with this issue!) is that he's got a new partner who I don't trust worth a darn and I am trying to make the naive person (my h) see that she's up to something devious. I don't know if she's after him or what but all my warning bells and whistles are going off where this one is concerned and I am trying to not make it come off as left over garbage from the affair. Any MORE suggestions????? I am praying hard to not let things bother me too much! I need to let go and let him learn on his own that when you deal with sleaze you will have smud land on you! <BR>I miss you guys, wish I could spend more time here with you but less on the new issues! God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!

OK I'll play too. Been mostly in lurk mode but here's a short update. <P>Our separation is in it's 3rd month. Wife and I are doing better. We've been spending a lot of family time together and having fun at it too. She has been giving me a few hugs here and there and they feel great. We're going to church tomorrow with our sons and a Jul 4th party Tuesday. In many ways our relationship is better than it has been in years. In some ways maybe better than it has ever been.<P>Still no real emotional contact between us though and no commitment to work things out from her. My feelings of lonliness grow and sometimes are quite unbearable. As I now experience many of the things my wife did, I fear I too will succumb to the same temptations she fell for. Most days are OK, some great, some bad but I still hang on, firm in Plan A and hopeful still.<p>[This message has been edited by Gonnatry (edited July 01, 2000).]

Hi everyone,<P>here's my update.<P>I'm also headed for divorce. I want to apply now, with the separation date being 5/26/99, which is the date he met OW at his new job and from when his affair started. Technically though, I didn't actually leave until 9/2/99 and over here, that is the date that should apply. We need to be separated 12 months before we can even apply. (I hope those dates make sense, I tried to write them the way you do, we don't do it like that here!!! Think I got it right!!)<BR>H had said in the past he would let me apply for the divorce early, but now he does not want the divorce. I do.<P>My reasons for that are that he still doesn't know what he wants. He wants to be 100% sure that whatever road he chooses, ie, me or continued separation, is the right one. The thing with that tho, is this. When will he be sure?. It could be tomorrow, could be never.....<BR>He says he is trying to get back into my life, by asking me out to lunch, and wanting us to spend family time together. I've been out to lunch with him twice since he moved here 7 weeks ago, and it was nice. I also went to his house last night to tell him I was going back to work, as a flight attandant. Something he never really liked or supported in the past. I was very apprehensive about telling him. He stayed calm, and said that when I was stuck, maybe that was where he needed to "take up the slack". He wanted to know what the childcare arrangements would be, and was ok with what I have tentatively arranged. We sort of left the discussion there. He didn't get into specifics, and I didn't ask.<P>I was going out to a family dinner last night, and because I was at his house, I had a shower there. I used the children's bathroom and he made the comment that I could have used his. I said I didn't want to take liberties. My family then had some mix-up with sleeping arrangements (we had people visiting from everywhere!!) and who was sleeping where, which happened via a phone call while I was still at his place.<BR>He rang me on my mobile after I had left and offered for me to sleep at his house.<BR>Like, where was I going to sleep.??????????<BR>I don't think so.<BR>But, my point to this very long winded update is "what is he playing at"<P>He won't even think about reconciliation until he is sure it is going to work!! I thought reconciliation was about giving it your best shot at making it work. I know that is the way his mind works, and the way that he works. Before he does anything, he thinks long and hard about it, and won't or doesn't do anything without a 80 - 90% chance of success. His fear of failure is quite awsome at times. It comes back to his lack of self-esteem, and conflict avoidance. I sometimes think he is missing out on life by being like that. I thought that was how we grew as people. We make mistakes, learn from them, pick ourselves up, and go on. Better and wiser people after the event...<P>I'm sorry this is so long, I know it was supposed to be an 'update'.<P>There, for me, divorce, but done in a friendly loving way.<P>With who knows what around the corner!!!!!!!<P>thinking of you all, and hope you have a great Sat. night.<P>Jo<BR>

Well, I've shied away from posting as my situation seems to be changing faster than the weather here in Texas. One moment I think we're gonna make it, then I don't, then I do, and on and on.<P>At this precise moment, I'm not so sure.<P>H moved home on Mother's Day. It's been a rollercoaster ride. I couldn't tell if his self absorption was due to withdrawal, his neurological problems, or if he was still in contact with HER (Ick. Have a hard time in even assigning her a gender. Still cannot say her name outloud.)<P>Well, today I discovered hard evidence that he's been calling her. I stood my ground and stated NO CONTACT. He did not say he would comply. Simply, that we would "talk" more tomorrow.<P>So, looks like I'm gonna have another stressful weekend. What else is new?<P>

Hi all- haven't even been to this site since back in March sometime- here is my update:<P>Hubby and I are doing really well. I have had no contact with the OP in months and that has been a huge factor in my relationship with my husband. The last contact I had with this person only proved to me how manipulated I had been- and how my "feelings" for her were only a factor of my being really screwed up. I truly feel like I had a nervous breakdown and that my "affair" was merely a symptom of my underlying problems. <P>The biggest factor: my dad had died on Thanksgiving Day- circumstances prevented me from attending his funeral- 2 days later I was "in love" with someone else. Talk about being messed up with my emotions.<P>After much therapy, counseling, trips to this website- my marriage has improved immensely. I can only tell you I have no idea what the hell happened to me- and that I am so glad that with the passage of time things have turned around so much. I have gotten so much stronger- and although I do have so many regrets- I know that my marriage is a lot better now as a result of what happened.<P>Life continues to throw me curves tho: my father's death was so hard- and with all my marital troubles etc...it was nice to have my mother as an ear to speak to. However, on the 15th of May she went into the hospital for a test- and on the 17th I was at her side while I watched her die. She was only 61. But this time I didn't go crazy- and I turned to my loving husband for the comforting I needed. And he was there for me. I never expected to lose my mother too- and I guess I am still in shock- but after all that has happened since December of 99- I know that I will be able to survive this too. <P>It has only been a little over 6 months since D-Day- but I can assure you that sometimes things do get better- a lot of times things do get better- and Richie and I are proof of that. <P>Keep the faith.

Update Independence Day,<P>First mediation meeting agreed visitation schedule. <BR>Second mediation meeting next week, finances.<P>Splitting up 15 years of stuff $ucks, although we are handling it very well. I couldn't handle deciding if I wanted the china, W couldn't handle not getting her favorite bath towels. <P>Started the move to the apartment this weekend/finish by next weekend.<P>Divorce? Who knows, although I won't try to stop it. I would like to find someone who honestly likes and initiates sex, as well as can hold an interesting conversation, and doesn't get pissed off at a differing viewpoint. <P>As far as the kids go, since we are being very amicable, and I am explaining everything as we go along to the kids, they have been OK about it, but I haven't left yet, starts this weekend.<P>W still has problems with me taking the kids somewhere without her. Like she could leave on a 4 day business trip and trust me, now she can't? <P>thl<P>

Update JNVC<BR>Haven't been here inawhile, I see there are lots of new folks here, I think that is sad but at least here is where healing can start.<BR>We are now 10 months into recovery, 9/8/99 was D-Day. Had several bumps, we have a strange sitsuation, we have sort of developed a sort of friendship with the OM and his unknowing wife. OM wife does not know about the EA my W had with her H. Its awkward to be around her and know she doesn't know. If anyone is in a early on discovery period, I highly suggest to TELL all parties involved. I regret not telling her now, now it would be worse, and she would hate me now for not telling sooner. The OM is totally remorseful w/ me, had NEVER attempted to restart the affair, has followed my requests to the T.<BR>Build trust again I find is the hardest thing! 20 years and bingo, in 1 day its gone.<BR>We are committed and will work it all out.<BR>I will chk in from time to time.<BR><P>------------------<BR>jnvc

So glad to read of so many successes. We are 15 months from D-Day, 7 from the final "no further contact" call which was a tiny step after 8 months of counselor supervised tapering off to where it was nothing. My H is a bit of a straddler, wanted to be 100% sure of making the final total commitment to me and our marriage. IT WORKED!!!! I had a tougher time of it by far, once that happened, because of having to go through a 3rd, what our counselor calls "re-entry", first, with the initial decision to call a halt to the A and work on the marriage, second, two months later, to make an exclusive commitment to me/with supervised tapering off with the OW, by phone only. It took too long, almost, for that to end, and a Plan B in the works, but since then, it's been really terrific. I feel more loved than I have in years and he has been so energetically making up to me for the hurt and the pain and re-earning my love and trust. We just bought a gorgeous piece of land in VT with 270 degree views of the White Mts. and the CT River Valley. He is an architect and will design us a get-away place this coming year. A dream come true! Life is improving by leaps and bounds on all fronts, first and foremost my marriage (which I value beyond everything -- 33 years and counting!!), my family, and work, too. Yippee!!!!!

Hello Again everybody. I've been doing a lot of reading here but really posting anything. Havent really had much positive stuff to add.<P>My stbx finally admitted to the affair last week. Praise God for that! I've been painted as the bad guy for so long, I'm glad that now everybody knows whats happening. I've had a hard time dealing with her rubbing the affair in my face and not admitting to it. She has taken our two kids out to his place for whole weekends and even went as far as them both taking nights off work and then staying at his house for the night.<P>The kids arent really dealing with the seperation that well. Who can blame them when they see him more than me.<P>We are getting a seperation agreement drawn up through lawyers and will be able to divorce in March. <P>Once D-Day came I had three goals:<BR><UL TYPE=SQUARE> <BR> <LI> I would maintain my self respect<BR> <LI> I would maintain my dignity.<BR> <LI> If the marraige ended, I would be able to look at my kids, my family, my friends and God and Say I did everything I could to save this marriage.<BR></UL> <BR>I have fulfilled my goals and look forward to starting my new life again.<P>I have some new friends from a baseball league that I joined, I have a lot more fun with my kids and I feel I have a lot of opportunities to enjoy the second half of my life (I'm 34 so I hope the second half will be longer than the first, it's going to be fun).<P>For everyone who is still trying to keep things together... its not an easy road your on. It is a lot of work, it is emotionally draining and is difficult. Keep posting and get input. There are some amazing people on this board. I would like to thank everyone who has been with me during this very difficult time. <P>Specifically I would like to thank Vaforme, Grandpabri2, Kam 6318, Bellevue, No trust, was stubborn, Beth N, LostVa, Chris (CA 123), K, HBC, Kenneth, wife and mother, hi infidelity and of course, Jim. I'm sure there are others and I apologise if I missed your name.<P>You all have done a wonderful thing for me and that was to offer hope and direction when I needed it the most. Friends can only offer biased support, while I consider you all my friends, we could have eaten breakfast in the same restaurant this morning and you would never have known it was Goober sitting beside you.<P>Thank you and God Bless!

3rd month into recovery--began day after d-day. My H and I are best friends very much in love and on a whole new level of intimacy we never could sustain before. Occasionally impatient with my slow progress (i.e. doubts, need for reassurances, double checking his honesty). If you know my story, you'd know why! We all live in the same subdivision, my H and OW still work together, we all work in companies that do business with eachother occasionally.<BR> <BR>Initially, I also tried to help OW and her H after d-day (We had become friends because OW is co-worker of my H). I knew it would be hard but they have both been at different times suicidal. I thought their life/death took priority over a few more difficulties in my life. It has been a roller coaster ride but I'm not sorry for the path I chose.<BR>Everyone is alive if not well.<P> Her H is finally concentrating on building up his self-esteem instead of obsessing with his W still being in love with my H and I have no more worries about him. He's in counseling and on Prozac. He is so much healthier and whole than ever before. He now accepts that they will probably divorce. He calls my cell phone every few weeks to see how I'm (my marriage is) doing. I know he's also looking for reassurance that his W and my H aren't back together. I don't mind doing that for him. The man has been hurt beyond sanity by my H and will probably lose his W and half of everything he owns soon...all because of my H's "butting into" their marriage. I keep no secrets from my H about the calls. He's not thrilled but he's allowing the calls for now because he knows I'm a support person for alot of people in our lives, because of his guilt, because we all bump into eachother almost on a daily basis. The guys puff up like roosters whenever they happen to see eachother.<P> They detest eachother. It's kind of a competitive--who's the better man--kind of thing. So much ego and testosterone. Even IF it's true OW's H was a total jerk to his wife, it would never excuse my H's getting involved in an EA/PA with her. I hate the fact that my H can't admit this to himself and just let her H's anger roll off his back and not react to it. This is a sticking point/lovebuster with me. Why can't he do that? <P>Complicated. Not what the good Dr. H ordered. Moving would eliminate alot of problems but that's not an option for anyone involved, unfortunately. Not yet anyway.<P>The support relationship I had with the OW had to be cut off. It seemed to be hurting her more. I didn't understand it at first and was hurt. I was later told in this forum that my kindness to her was what was making her feel more guilty--that I wasn't some monster she could hate. She hasn't called my cell or sent me e-mail after the last evening we got together in June. I have made no more attempts to contact her out of respect for her H's wishes and now apparently hers as well. She knows I only want her to be happy again. Her depression and withdrawal are still ongoing. Still refuses to go back to counseling or take antidepressants. <P> Her H says she told him a few days ago she still wants my H and is "waiting with hope", won't reconcile with her H and is neglecting their children to the point of. She once told me that her sons would be better off without her--she can't show them love with all the pain she's in--she's a non-person and empty inside with nothing left to give. My H once told her during their A he would never marry her and be a father to her children. Add that all together and you might have a mentally imbalanced woman discarding her kids in a desperate effort to get her lover back. <P>B/C of these developments, my H did a bad thing--broke the no contact rule and confronted her with it via cell phone. Told her never to put him or any man above her kids and to start being a mother to them--that giving them up or anything else she might try was ever going to get him back. No response from her since. Had a long argument about his doing that w/o discussing it with me first (I would never have agreed to such a thing). He said he was also afraid she might try and "hurt" me since she's so obsessed. But I really don't believe she's capable. She's just hurting. Such is our progress, 5 steps forward, 4 steps back. But we did see her buying toys with her kids at the store the other nite and were encouraged. <P>I'm weaning off my Prozac,with my MD's ok, of course. Think I'm in a good place now and strong enough. NOW my H wants to start a family. I told him I want to wait a while first till our foundation is stronger. I also don't want to send the OW into a tailspin right now.<P>Still, I'm optimistic about our future.<P>My H and OW's company have a managers party this Saturday. Kind of wary. I could handle verbal or even physical violence but never a cold shoulder--that would really hurt me! Whatever happens it won't be dull.<P>I still empathize with the pain she's going thru but am frustrated that she refuses to do anything towards healing herself and slaps at the hands of anyone who has tried. <P>Wish us luck, Pray for us,<P>Leilana<P>[This message has been edited by Leilana (edited July 05, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by Leilana (edited July 05, 2000).]