After my husband's affair, I forgave him and took him back. Our relationship had a lot of problems, and intellectually I understood and accepted my share of the responsibility for this incident (I know there are many kinds of affairs and many different reasons for them). He's not the "womanizing" type, and I don't expect a recurrance so long as we keep our relationship healthy.<P>Everyone marvelled at how quickly and easily I was able to "get over" this after the initial shock and hurt wore off, but now - although we're together again and our relationship is better in many ways than before - I find I'm having a hard time "surrendering" sexually. We had an active and fulfilling sex life before this, but now I can't make love to him without thinking of them together. I feel our "sacred bond" has been broken and that we're somehow "not alone" in bed anymore; I'm basically frigid.<P>I don't know if this is some kind of passive-aggressive behavior on my part (he's suffering now - from deprivation - as I suffered before from rejection); if so, it's not conscious. I just don't feel that sex is that important to me right now or that that's where I want to place my energies; I'd almost like to start our relationship over again and work our way back up to it? I don't know if I've "fallen out of love" because of this, but it's certainly hard to "jump back in" when trust has been destroyed.<P>I assume I'm not the only one with this problem; how have others handled it?

I'm in the same boat.. I don't think I have any good advice. I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. Our sex life was great also, and I can't get the same old feeling back anymore. Its very hard to forget. Hope we can both work this out!!<BR>

There is a section in "After the Affair" that deals with this topic. Maybe it will help. Also, I have also tried to cope with this by being sexually "selfish". What I mean by this is not having sex to please him or to be necessarily romantic, but to physically please YOU. For a while it won't hurt anything to regard him as a "toy" for your pleasure and he'll enjoy it in any way he gets it most likely :-)

I also have no advice on this one but would like to read more on the subject particularly from any men who have had this to deal with. We’ve determined that sexual fulfillment is very high on my list of EN. Yet I find myself in Quandry’s shoes. I also feel that we are “Not Alone” in bed any longer. These feelings seemed to improve for a while but they have come back to haunt me full force. My predicament now is that I do not really want to discuss it with my W. I know the whole honesty part, but I think for now this would be to LB’ing. Combine that with the fact that I don’t want her to worry about me thinking of OM during X, which would in turn cause, her to think of him. What a mess <BR>I’ll have to give LearningLife’s toy trick a try. But I’ll take any other recommendations out there.<BR>

I am basically a month in recovery from learnining that my wife of 18 years has had 6 sexual affairs with 5 different men and 2 emotional affairs in the 2 preceding years before that(in order words we were married 3 years before she began infidelity). After discovering what our emotional needs were, my wife has learned that sex is #1 on my list. With that she has been going overboard to meet my every need as I have for her. Our sex life has never been this wonderful. However, I am now having difficulty continuing the passion. I don't know if it's the Celexa that I'm on, or the memories of her with the other guys, or oversexed and not accustomed to this much. But I'm beginning to feel like you(even though I am a man). Sex may have moved down my list as the most important need since she has seemed to focus on that aspect.<P>Maybe you should take a break from sex for a while to regain the passion and the need to be wanted by him.<BR>

Actually, I think a break from sex would be just what the doctor ordered; a sabbatical to recover and regroup, you know? But then I wouldn't be fulfilling HIS most important need, and then I'd be leaving the door open for him to stray again (not meeting each other's ENs is what leads to affairs in the first place); so I almost feel "obligated" which is really NOT much of an aphrodesiac. I mean, he messed it up, but it's up to me to save it?? I think supressed anger is a big problem in these situations. You can "forgive," as I say, but you don't just get over it over night, and sex requires real trust in order to be good and satisfying.