For those WS's who don't feel like reading much, or who may be in a hurry, skip to the end. The question is there. My post is basically a rant and, although relevant, not really necessary for you to read in order to answer the question. Others who are interested in offering your opinion, please continue reading. <P>I have never been one to ask questions or for opinions here (I would mostly just respond to others), but definitely could use it on this one.<P>I know this problem has been addressed before on here, especially at some point in the two years that I've been lurking/posting here. But, since this wasn't a problem for me before now, I never paid any attention to it. <P>Anyhow, for those WS's who have confessed their affairs to their spouses, what were your reasons? In my case, I thought I had an STD and pushed my husband until he confessed. <P>It took about a week to get him to admit to anything, and then it was only half truths and more lies, just enough to ease his conscience. And he allowed the blatant half truths, lies and contradictions to literally drive me insane before I would get more information out of him. Again, mostly at my severe insistence (of course he packaged his answers in a way for me to believe he was sincere/honest). Now I realize that if he had given a rat's butt about me, I don't believe he could have allowed me to go crazy with his lies without feeling the need to be more honest. I'm sure to this day I still probably don't know most of it. <P>What's sad is that most of it I didn't see at the time. I wanted to work on the marriage so badly that I think I made more out of his sorrow than what may have actually been the case. Marriage counseling helped me in believing this, too. Because he agreed with extremely relative ease. And I was too stupid in believing his words of love, sorrow, shame, etc. over most of his contradictory actions. He's great with the words!<P>My husband has always maintained that he told me, even though he was extremely pressured, so we can finally work on our marriage. I believed it and what I now believe to be sheer naivete, thought he wavered because of shame, or some other similar reason. <P>Well, now, more than two years later, I questioned him about his motives and he said that he told me because I basically forced it out of him and because it was weighing on his conscience and he wanted to feel better. Oh geez, I'm so glad he felt so much better after letting it out! <P>Although I never really questioned his motives, in the back of my mind I have always believed that had he told me because he wanted to work on our marriage, then he would have been more honest from day one. And as I said, it took many months of admissions and recanting before we got to where we are now in the "admission" department. <P>I won't get into all of it now, but there are numerous reasons to believe that he's only stayed with me and pretended to work on our marriage because of expectations and fear (most have only become apparent in the last 6 months or so) All reasons that he's admitted to on other things that he's done in the course of our 8 years together. <P>He's an extreme conflict avoider. And extremely fearful of losing his children. So, definitely not out of the realm of possibility that he never intended to really work on the marriage. I definitely feel this is further evidenced in his reasons for telling me any of it in the first place. Of course that's all for another time. <P>So,in case you've forgotten the question by now , WS's why did you admit your affair to your spouse?<P>And to any others who have made it this far, what have been your experiences/outcomes when it came to admissions? Any and all opinions welcomed.<P>------------------<BR><I>The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.<BR>Helen Keller</I><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Distrusting (edited March 28, 2001).]

Hey Distrusting, Well lets see if I can answer this. I'll try and keep this as simple as I can. Once the affair turned Physical I wanted it to stop, also knew that if W saw my face she'd now, so I told her lies, and fought with her. She moved out, then back then I moved out, She knew something was up but still trusted me, us. I knew at some point that I didn't want OW but it was to late, or I thought. W and I had told each other "you cheat,we're done", and I believed that but still had the A and was trying to figure some way out of this mess without getting caught. You know, like the perfect lie!!! <P> Anyway, on Aug.20, 2000 a sunday afternoon, I stopped by our house to pick up some clothes and W had written me a very detailed, nasty letter (she still didn't know about the A) and basically told me she had reached the end and a divorce was gonna happen, after reading the letter several times I knew it was now or never and called W and told her the truth, it's been 7 months of rollercoaster, but once I started telling all truths, stopped contact, and put myself in her shoes...recovery has been better, we love each other and are both willing to make our M work...Hope this answeres your question, sorry for being long winded....U

I'm a female WS. I told my about the A when I got caught. I was an EA, and at first I had a hard time admitting it was really an A (but of course it was). Upon discovery, and coming to grips with the enormity of what I had done, I fell apart. It was hard even then to be totally honest, because I was so ashamed about how I had behaved. As we started to recover, it was still hard to answer some questions about how I had felt, because I was so afraid still of losing my H. I was continuing to fear that there might be just one thing that I would tell him that would drive him away. He wanted me to be honest, and I was, but each admission hurt him again, and scared me. He didn't trust he was getting the truth and I didn't know how to convince him it was true. He tried very hard to reinforce me for being honest, but it was difficult. Our old patterns of communication didn't help, because I tend to cover up my real feelings when I am afraid of being criticised and he tended toward disrespectful judgements. Not an easy time to work at understanding communication problems, but somehow we got through, and are much better in many ways now.

Hi unbelievable. Thanks for telling me your story. What I want to know, and to clarify my question for everyone else, is....what were your motives for telling her? Was it, as is the case with my husband, because you had no choice, or because you felt guilty and wanted to get it off your chest? Or was it because you wanted to work on the marriage? Btw, congratulations and good luck in your recovery process. <P>Hi clouds. I totally understand what you mean about how you cover your feelings out of fear of being criticized. My husband is exactly the same way. And sadly, I am like your husband with the disrespectful judgments. He will go to great lengths no to be criticized. He's hidden his feelings most of his life because of parents who are very judgmental and who look down on anything someone does or says that doesn't appear to the outside world as being anything but perfect. Expressions of feelings are definitely something that his family looks down upon. To them, you are to put on a happy face and don't discuss anything negative, ever! Besides the fact that his father was overly critical his entire life. So, I can understand why he is the way that he is. But, I can't understand when it's at my expense. <P>Anyhow, Clouds, congratulations on being upfront and honest with your husband. I do understand how hard it must have been. And congratulations on your recovery.<P>My question to you is the same as to unbelievable. What were your motives for telling your husband, even though you were caught, you still told him things about the affair itself. Why? Seems like such a simple question, but there's always so much more to it. Thanks!

Why did I tell him?...Truthfully, thinking back, I really didn't [b]want[b] to tell him anything. He was angry and demanded to know. I felt horribly ashamed and guilty and felt to some degree he deserved to know so, and if it caused me hurt and shame at this point I had no "rights" and deserved to be punished. Also, we read books that said it was important to "come clean." I never felt (and still don't) that giving details will help anyone. But I desperately wanted to prove to my H that I was willing to work with him, and the books said I needed to tell him, so I tried. Part of the problem was he really wanted to know WHY. I couldn't answer the whys very well. There was so much denial on my part, it took a while, and some counseling to sort this out.