Hi.<P>For those of you who don't know me, I'm Jill. I betrayed my husband at the end of 1998 and into early 1999. I ended the relationship with the OM shortly after our face-to-face meeting. I confessed to my husband in October of 2000. My marriage is now in the healing process.<P>I just want to share my heart with all of you today. The post that you see below is also the same e-mail that I sent to a friend from here at MB.<P>I send all of you here at MB my best wishes for peace, love and healing...<P>**********************************************************<BR>I remember when I decided to end the relationship with the OM. I sent him an e-mail and told him not to contact me ever again. Well, of course he continued to try to contact me for a while. At first, it was very difficult to delete his e-mails without reading them. It was very difficult to throw away the cards that he sent me before I even opened the envelope. It was difficult to hang-up immediately upon hearing his voice on the other end of the phone line. Eventually, the OM stopped contacting me. And, that's when things became difficult for me. When the OM stopped contacting me, that's when I WANTED him to contact me -- that's when I WANTED to contact him. It's strange, but I actually remember thinking, "He's got some nerve to stop contacting me! What is his problem? Who does he think he is?" I wanted this guy to want me. I wanted this guy to be miserable without me despite the fact that the thought of him repulsed me. I could "lay down the law" with him, but I wasn't as ready as I had previously thought I was for him to follow that law. But, he did. And, despite my crazy thoughts, I stood strong in my decision to end the relationship because it was the right thing to do.<P>At first, I was miserable without the OM. But, it did get easier. Every time I deleted an e-mail or refused a phone call...it got easier.<P>The OM did try to contact me a couple of times when I first started contemplating confession and posting at MB. I didn't respond. I didn't want to...<P>When I think of the OM now, I do NOT remember good times, praise God. I do remember the compliments that the OM gave me, but only because it makes me sick to think I accepted compliments from a man who is not my husband. I remember the hours I spent chatting with the OM on the Internet while my husband went to bed lonely and wondering why I'd rather spend time on the computer instead of with him. <P>In my eyes, the OM now symbolizes the depths of evil (I stress the word SYMBOLIZES...I'm not saying that the OM is evil). The OM symbolizes the very darkest moments of my 29 years on this earth. The OM symbolizes the path that I walked down while holding Satan's hand instead of my precious Savior's hand. I never want to walk that path again. I never want to make such poor choices again in my life.<P>Today, my husband asked me if I ever have the urge to contact the OM again. Obviously, the answer to that question was and is a resounding NO. I was able to share all of the things with him that I just shared with you in this e-mail. I had shared those things with him when I confessed back in October. But, I think that he was so blind and deaf from the pain of what I was saying and what I'd done to him that he couldn't comprehend at that time. So, for me it was a blessing to tell him all of those things. He wasn't ready to hear them before, but he was ready today. I'm so glad. <P>Jill<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jill:<BR><B><BR>When the OM stopped contacting me, that's when I WANTED him to contact me -- that's when I WANTED to contact him. It's strange, but I actually remember thinking, "He's got some nerve to stop contacting me! What is his problem? Who does he think he is?" I wanted this guy to want me. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This reminds me of something I realized "after the fact" as well...<P>I remember, prior to the affair, thinking, "I wish some man would come to me, want me... of course I'd say, {quite dramatically, mind you} No, I'm married, I can't"... all the while I'd be swooning or something.<P>What makes me sick, is that I got what I wanted... and then didn't have the wherewithall to turn the guy down. I gave into the pretty words, the attentiveness... <P>I do NOT miss the person who was me at that time -- AT ALL.<P>Your story is beautiful Jill. I am always amazed at you. I love how you kneeled at your H's knee to confess -- brought tears to my eyes.<P>You are a wonderful woman.<P><BR>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck<p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited April 11, 2001).]

Jill,<BR>You are a blessing to the BS. Wanted to forward your comments to my WH. He would only feel that it is another LB from me. But for me, I thank you. God bless you for keeping in touch.

Jill,<P>Your story made my cry. You are so lucky in that your H is there you & your H is lucky in that you wanted to come back & were willing to do things necessary to do so.<P>May you both continue to recovery, & to meet each other’s needs so you will never walk this road again. May the lessons that each of you have learned help someone else’s long their journey. <P>Thanks for sharing, please keep doing so. You are a courageous young woman.<BR>

Jill,<P>A wonderful email. I'll bet your H was very very moved by your comments, now that he can hear them. He is a very lucky man Jill. I hope he realizes it.<P>God Bless Both of YOU,<P>JL

Jill - we're all so very proud of you...that was beautiful and so are you.<P>Love,<P>Lori

Jill -<P>I, for one, know exactly how you feel, but I think you know that, too . I could have written the same things myself. But, you stated it so perfectly, so precisely.<P>It's kind of ironic, the one thing I got out of this, the one thing I never thought about being a plus to the ugly horrible mess of infidelity - is that I now truly, truly appreciate everything God has given me - the blessings of a good home, a good husband, a wonderful family. But most importantly, his gift of mercy and grace. <P>I used to go to church every Sunday, but never really "knew" God. I used to hear about God's love, but never really appreciated it's glory. I used to consider myself a part of the flock, but never thought God knew me. And, I guess that's why I'm so happy for you, because I think you know exactly how I feel, right now.<P>When I go to church now, I always cry. Not tears of sadness, but tears of shear joy. It's very difficult to explain, but I've learned to appreciate all that God has given me, including my faith. Whenever I go to church now, I consider myself lucky - that I appreciate the true value of God's love and mercy. I will always be a sinner, I will always be humble, but I know why and appreciate beyond words why Jesus died to save us. Instead of going to church each Sunday, I now feel like I am coming home each Sunday. It is an awesome gift we have been given, and even out of darkness, God can do good.<P>Happy Easter to you. . .For me, Easter will never be the same again.

Thank you for sharing Jill. Good luck to you & your H during your healing process.

Jill, On behalf of the betrayed spouses who have yet (if ever) to get anything from our spouses, I say a big, “thank you!!”<P>So now looking back, do you feel we gave you “good advice” to fess up? I know I was one who was “pushing“ you to tell him.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Chris,<P>You asked if I now think that the advice that was given to me here about "fessing up" was good advice now that I've been through it...<P>I am glad that I didn't confess immediately after I started coming here...it wasn't time yet...it was too early...<P>I began posting here in February of 2000. That's almost one year after my affair. I didn't confess until October of 2000. If I had confessed before the time was right, I feel that things would have been MUCH different than they are right now.<P>I think I've shared that my confession happened in God's timing -- not my own. Over the months that I kept my affair a secret from my husband, I continued to post here and draw strength and encouragement. I continued to grow in the Lord and take my fear and shame to Him. Slowly, my fears subsided. It took time, but God was busy writing the right words on my heart to say to my husband. While God was at work preparing my heart, he was also preparing my husband's heart to handle my confession. My husband has shared with me that if I had confessed even a month earlier, he would've asked me to leave...<P>Although the advice here was right and great and encouraging and scary and all of that stuff, it was ultimately waiting on God to show me the right moment and the right way to confess that has helped to put my marriage on the path to recovery.<P>Jill

Jill I am glad things turned out ok for you.

Jill,<P>i saw your story last year when i first came here. march of 2000. I was always annoyed (pardon me ) that you wouldnt tell you weren tready... ....but.....all in Gods timing! I cried when i read your post and wish with all my heart my heart could be right where it needs to be and to love my husband without reserve. Sad isnt it that i am the one who betrayed him, yet i still cant love him <P>god bless you <P>1 Corinthians 10:13No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, that you may be able to endure it. <P>Galatians 5:16-17But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh. For the flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in opposition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you please. <P>Hebrews 13:8Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and to day, yea and forever. <P>God Bless You, your husband, and your marriage <P>mercy