H, May 28, 2001<P>Hey Bud! How ya doing? I hope you enjoyed yourself this weekend at the races. I know you were really stressed out with work and all the stuff that you have been through that past few months. I hope the time away to relax and have fun done you some good. You deserved it. You deserve a hell of a lot more than what you have gotten in the past from me. <P>I know I have hurt you. For that I am so deeply sorry. All that I can do is ask for your forgiveness. I have asked for it from God. I know that he has forgiven me. Now I just have to ask you. <P>I know that you do not have the desire in you anymore. You think that I don’t understand. I do though. I do understand. I once felt that way myself. I once felt like throwing the towel and saying it isn’t worth it anymore. It isn’t worth the fight. I don’t have the fight left in me. It has taken some time as well as a lot of therapeutic counseling to find that it is worth the fight. That it is not worth throwing in the towel for someone that you had built dreams with. Someone that you would hope to be the father of your children one day. Someone that had taught you so much about life. Someone that you had spent 8 years of getting to know each other through and through. Someone that is the most admirable man on this earth. Someone that is so dear to my heart and that I love dearly. <P>I never thought that I would have to face losing the person that meant so much to me. I was trying to make myself that wife that you wanted me to be. The more domestic wife that you wanted. I thought that being out on my own would help. I thought that it would help me to be better. I thought with the time away I could grow more as a person and do some soul searching. <P>One of the things that I have been working on in counseling. Was to change the things that I didn’t like about me. One was why I was so materialistic, and elusive. I never understood that about myself. I never wanted to be that way. I now know why. I never thought of it in this manner. But my counselor did. She says, “Renee’, did you ever have anything in your life that you knew that you would have control of at all times?” I told her no. She told me material items were the only thing that I could control. That is why I wanted so much of them. I had just found closure as to why I always felt that I was put on the back burner with your Dad. I was also told that a parental figure wasn’t in my life. So to me, a parental relationship was a material thing. Which looking back, I can see that. I can now understand why I would not understand the relationship with your dad. <P>It took this time apart for me to realize what I have done to you. As well as for me to realize if it was worth trying to make it again. I know that you are not interested in doing that. I don’t resent you at all for that. I respect that in you. I am just having a hard time with this Wednesday. I just wanted you to know that the only reason I am signing these papers. Is because you feel like you can get closure that way. It definitely isn’t because I want to. I don’t have it in me. You are still to this day my “knight in shiny armor.” But, this is what you think will make you heal. I love you enough to do it. <P>I want what is best for the two of us. However, I can’t bear the thought of throwing all this love. As well as the hard work that we have invested out the window. I am not saying that I would want to come back home and everything being just peaches and cream. I know that wont work. What I am saying is that I am willing to continue my (marriage) counseling. As well as you attend with me. The two of us get in church. And build a marriage from the ground up with God. We can start out by chatting on the phone. Maybe you, coming over on the weekend. Or whatever you feel like doing. We can take baby steps. We don’t have to jump in over our heads at first. I would just love to have a second chance to meet your needs as the wife that I should have been. As well as be the blonde bomb shell. There are so many things that we missed in our marriage. The sex life was not that good. It could be wonderful. The companionship was great. I don’t think that I would find another you. LOL! We like racing to much. But, looking back. I don’t think there is enough wrong with this to throw it away overnight. I am willing to move forward and put the past behind. However, God put this on my heart. And I won’t do it without him directing me. You may not have that desire at this time. However, I am basing it on what I felt. At one time I didn’t either. <P>You would be amazed at what we could learn in counseling. The only thing that is required, to build a marriage on bricks is LOVE. I have that in me. <P>I am not pushing you into anything. I am not pressuring you. I am not telling you that you need to make a choice. As you once told me. I haven’t given up on us. Don’t you either. I don’t have the desire to date other people. All I want is my family back. I want to form myself into the wife that I once was, as well as the wife that I should be. I want the marriage triangle. You, and I at the bottom. God on top. I have done enough damage to this marriage as well as to you. I realize that. All I am asking is for you not to rule us out. I love you way to much to just let you slip away. This is one time in my life that I will fight like hell to hold it together. If we try counseling, and God, and that doesn’t work. Then I am willing to let it go. But not until then. <P>Everytime I hear this song. I feel like it was based on my life. And I am willing to sail my vessel till the river runs dry.<P>I just wanted to let you know what was on my heart. As I said, I am not pushing anything. I just wanted you to know that I am not wanting to sign those papers. I feel like I am signing my family away. As well as the man that I love the most in my life. Who has stuck beside me through thick and thin. <P>You know a dream(being with the man I love the most) is like a river.<BR>Ever changing as it flows. And a dreamer is just a vessel. That must follow where it goes. Trying to learn from what’s behind you. (What I have destroyed) Never knowing what’s in store. Makes each a day constant battle. Just to stay between the shores. <P>I will sail my vessel till the river runs dry. Like a bird upon the wind. These waters are my sky. Ill never reach my destination, if I never TRY. So I will sail my vessel till the river runs dry.<P>To many times we stand beside. Let the water slip away. (Did I ever do that?)To what we put off till tomorrow it has now become today. So don’t you sit upon the shore line. And say your satisfied. Chose to chance the rapids. Dare to dance that tide.<BR>I will sail my vessel till the river runs dry. Like a bird upon the wind. These waters are my sky. Ill never reach my destination, if I never try. So I will sail my vessel till the river runs dry.<P>There’s bound to be rough waters. And I know Ill take some falls. With the GOOD LORD as my captain. I can make it through them all. <P>I will sail NY vessel till the river runs dry. Like a bird upon the wind. These waters are my sky. <P>Lord, I will sail my vessel. Till the river runs dry.<BR>I just want you to know that I still want you to be my wonderful husband. As well as the father of my children.<P>Love Always,<BR>Renee’<P>

All suggestions are appreciated. <P>I need help here.

Renee’,<P><BR>I very beautiful Plan A letter.<P>Don't raise your expectations...<BR>...what is in the will and heart of your H...<BR>...you can't control.<P>Your outlook on life... is!<P> <P>Jim

Thanks Jim! I havent seen you in a long time. I hope you and the kids are doing great!<P>Renee'

I thought it was a great letter. The only thing maybe you should consider is that you sort of just hardly touch on the affair except to say that God has forgive you. The ego of your husband has been smashed. I am sure that he is saying to himself that if you loved him so much then how could you have done such a thing. I guess what I am saying is imagine<BR>yourself being the betrayed spouse and knowing that he had sex with another woman while he was with you.<BR>What would you want him to say to you to make you feel better about yourself as a woman?<BR>Again I think your letter is fine but I am sure your husband <BR>has so much anger in him because and I speak from experience that he now feels second best to the OM and much less of a man. I really think that you need to address this issue to have any hope of success. I wish you luck.