Ok - I'm in recovery month #4 with my WH, things seem to be getting better, but we seem to be hitting a little lull. Went to counseling with him Tues., decided with therapist to wait 6 weeks because we are not going anywhere. Basically, WH enjoys being very angry with OW, wanting revenge, and letting these feeling take over and affect himself, me and our relationship. These feelings come and go . . . he's pretty much admitted that he's not willing to let them go. He's also not willing to start addressing his sex addiction and fantasy sex life, which really interferes with our relationship as well.<p>Which leads me to the "I know better" part. I feel so frustrated by the recent lack of progress that I am sabotaging. I think about divorce, going out and flirting with any cute guy I can get my hands on, and I am not meeting WH's EN's - I'm LBing with sarcasm, cold sholder etc. How do I get myself back out of this rut???!!!!!!!!!! [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>WLE

This is a tough one. You've been at it long enough for a "normalcy" to set it. Perhaps you need to do something upset the applecart. Change your schedule around. Change what you do together. Get a new hair cut, buy new cloths. There has to be something that you can change that will change your pattern. <p>You have probably been concentraiting on your marriage and his needs. Maybe one of the things that you can change is your focus. It sounds like you are screeming out for your needs to be met. So do more things for yourself. Pamper yourself more.<p>When a person holds on to something negative, like his anger, it is usually because they that anger gives them power and control over something. Looks like that something is your marriage and his addiction. As long as he holds on to it, he does not have to do the work. The work can be very painful. He has a lot to face about the hurts in his life that drove him to his addiction and about the things he's done. Perhaps that is overwhelming enough without having to repair a marriage. So he keeps his anger, it serves him well. And see what the anger is doing? It's taking the focus off of him and putting it onto your unmet needs and the marital problems.<p>By doing more for yourself, you can take some of that power away from him. You can still plan A him, but just don't make the marital repair the focus of your existance right now... does this make any sense? Your life is about you. Live it that way. You are graciously allowing him to remain part of your life. <p>If you take the power of his anger away, he is more likely to let go of the anger.<p>Hope this makes sense....

Yes, I agree with what zorweb said,<p>Another thing to consider is the original conflict which led you to withdraw. In other words, based on the three states of mind in marriage (as noted by Dr.Harley), in order to regain intimacy, we have to come out of withdrawal to confront the conflict that initiated withdrawal. Here is a link to the article:<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3600_state.html<p>So okay, you mentioned your frustration with your H's unwillingness to work on his issues, but what has YOU in withdrawal? Are you still upset by the affair? Are you more upset about the sex addiction/fantasy behaviors that led to the affair? Is it your H's preoccupation with how OW hurt him that bothers you? What? I think you need to figure out what is hurting YOU so much and why. Then, when you have all those answers, you can express your feelings clearly to your counselor and to your husband. Progress may need to begin with you since you can see all these other things holding you guys back.<p>Usually sex addicts don't readily admit they have a problem, so pointing out "his problems" might not go over well, but you can state how his actions affect you in a non-accusatory way?<p>It sounds like he wants to work on the marriage or else he wouldn't have agreed to counseling? Right? I think you are fortunate in that sense. Good luck!

I agree with zorweb and BtDt, and have little to add to their good advice, except that by taking a little break you will be fresher to the problem, and not stuck in a rut of the same old unproductive behaviors. Try not thinking so much, "Don't LB, don't LB," but instead think "I'll deal with this later." Later being an unspecified date when you're more emotionally relaxed.<p>After this time, reading a new book about relationships might give you some new tools to think and act about this. One that I like is How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together, by Susan Page. She stresses that the way you interact with your spouse depends on each of you adopting your usual roles. If you change your own behavior, this can have a big effect on your spouse--they have to react to you differently.<p>Good luck, WingsLikeEagles. By the way, at four months I was still the LB poster child. Be as kind to yourself as you can.<p>Rose Red