Plan B & Depression & Death - Marriage Builders® Forums

I have started this message several times over the past couple of days but haven't been able to complete it. I am not sure why, but I will give it another try.I am in a form of Plan B...that is, I may not communicate with my WW for a week or ten days then we may exchange an e-mail or brief phone call and that's it.She has been in a deep depression...I think withdrawal and some guilt, but we don't talk that much....her C says she is in in crisis and is trying to get her on anti-deps. I feel bad for her but I am holding fast. She has to walk down this path alone. She needs to work through her own grief and get to a point where she either wants our M and is committed or she is not and we move on separatly. I am OK with that and have made peace with it. It is, in a way, calming.But life always throws you a curve ball doesn't it? My Dad has been fighting ill health for a few years. He was back in the hosital for surgery last week. I visited him at the hospital on Thursday and it was not a good day. He couldn't eat on his own and I tried to feed him and make him comfortable but he was in so much pain and having such a hard time I just don't think I was very helpful. I did my best but it was so sad. He also couldn't communicate well, but I tried to make him feel a little better. It was a tough visit.So, more than anything I really felt bad not to be able go home and talk with someone about how I felt and what I was feeling and it was so sad not to have someone there. It was all those feelings of the child being parent and all the issues of father & son etc...it would have been nice to talk it through. *Big Sigh*Sadly, my Dad died on Saturday.My WW was with me and the family and she has been very supportive. But I have no illusions that this has anything to do with our relationship, really. In fact I am just the opposite. I am trying to guard my feelings and compartmentalize things so that I don't believe that just because she is there now means she will be there down the road. Does that make sense? I just don't want to get the feeling now that, because of this, and the support she is showing, that there is some move forward. That could happen, but it can't revolve around my sadness at the passing of my Dad. It has to be independent of all of this, you know?She says she feels bad she hasn't been there for me and that our situation makes dealing with all this even more difficult for me...which it does. I am not sure what I am looking for here. I just felt I needed to write down how I feel. Like I said I am in a kind of plan B, but due to the circumstances our contact has gone up dramatically...I am not sure if that is good or bad and wonder if anyone else has gone thru anything similar. If so, what were your experiences?As an example of how things have changed...my WW stayed at our house Friday and Saturday nights. She didn't want to be alone and she didn't want me to be alone. Which I appreciate. She also wants to have some people to our house for dinner while they are in town for the funeral. I am OK with that, too, but it is all so awkward.Anyway, This is a long post and rambles I am sure....If you have made it this far thanks for listening. E[ May 06, 2002: Message edited by: Elad ]

Elad,Sorry to hear about your dad. It is hard when you have to grief and having M problem ... seahorse from down under facing the same issues.I assume you have not giving her plan B letter and plan B'ng was her choice. IMHO, you never was in plan B ...take what she offers you and let her help you through this grief. Set aside your R, this is the time for griefing your losses. Work on your M when you are ready.God Bless you -RH-

I have nothing to offer (due to lack of experience) regarding m, but I wanted to let you know that I am sorry for the loss of your Dad.
-CS

Elad - my condolences for your Dad.I validate all your feelings as probably pretty normal. I recomend you focus on you and your side of the family and let the chips fall where they may regarding your relationship. It seems you intend to be "neutral" about your relationship right now - that may be the best choice. You're still in Plan A. Be yourself but perhaps focus on YOUR needs instead of trying to meet her's or demonstrating your improvements. At the same time, recognize that she's doing the right thing in being supportive now, so accept it. You would do the same, right?WAT

Elad,I'm so very sorry for your loss. You owe it to yourself to focus on yourself - whatever you need, you should have.It sounds like you're doing a "modified Plan B", by allowing some minimal contact with WW. I'm a little curious about how that's going... SH and I had talked a while back about a similar approach for me - mainly to keep my name in front of WW, since we don't have any kids. It was something to consider - based on how I thought WW might respond. My current thought is that nothing but the best, purest Plan B will have any real effect on her - she's pretty far gone, and probably thinks she can still "hold onto me" even if she could communicate once a week.Sounds like your WW is sliding down towards rock bottom. It's got to be hard to see. You said you thought she was suffering withdrawal - from you? from OM? Do you have ANY sense of whether she's starting to "figure things out"?

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Remember to take care of yourself - okay?

dear elad- i am so sorry for your loss. my love and prayers go out to you and your family.

Elad...My sympathies...A card for youCali

Elad, I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your father. You are going through a very difficult time right now and you have my thoughts and prayers.Stay strong.
Sinking

Dearest Elad,I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad's passing. Seems when it rains, it pours. I hope you're okay. I think having your wife there and with you is a good thing, as long as you're okay with it. You really shouldn't be alone. I think you have the right idea, E. Take these gestures from your wife for what they are, she cares. She and you spent years together, shared everything including your families (mom's and dad's). She is showing her respect for your Dad as well as showing compassion for your hurt …. I’m also sure she is hurting as well, and staying with you helps her grieving. I hope you won’t read anything into what she’s doing, E. Even if it has a potential to pull you two together, I hate to see you get your hopes up just to be disappointed. You’ve come so far, and it was a very hard road to travel to get this far. Just take good care of you, your Dad would want that for you. I am praying for you, Elad …. Just know many here care. Love and God Bless,
Jo[ May 06, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]

Elad,
I'm sorry for your loss.It sounds like your W has responded compassionately, as is reasonable, your dad was part of her family.Plan B is tough, but it's like most things, not set in concrete, at times, events in your life, you may find you need to be flexible.Life experiences are so interconnected that you may not be able to set this time of shared grief aside as separate from your marriage difficulties.Take it day by day. If a light has gone on in your W's head, you'll know for certain sooner or later, if it has, her behavior will prove it out.For now, just accept that it was kind and supportive and interactive of her to be there for you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you all for your support.I know many of us on this board have prayed for each other, shed tears together and tried to be strong for others when we could hardly stand ourselves. You are all very special people. I am truly blessed to have all my MB friends. I wish we could all have met under different circumstances, but I think we all work hard to help each other be better and stronger people and face adversity as best we can. redhat Thanks...I have shared a plan B letter with my W. I am probably not in a classic plan B, but I think it varies somewhat for all of us. The only part of plan A I am in is the part that works on me and that is going well. I appreciate your thoughts. can't sleep At MB...just your support is a lot to offer. Thanks.WAT I am indeed focussing on me, with the help of folks like you who keep us all honest (and I mean that as a compliemnt). I don't feel like I am in plan A. As I said above to RH, I am not in a classic plan B either. Perhaps it's all semantics...maybe I am in a plan A and a 1/2 or a plan B minus... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] whatever... it is working for me. And you are right..I would do it for her, too.... Thanks for your thoughts J.R. yep---as I indicated to RH & WAT a modified plan B it is. I really think it varies for all of us as does plan A, but I think the principle is the same it just is important how it's applied. Plan A--work on yourself and the changes you need to be a better person, while working with your spouse as best you can within that framework. Plan B--separation as necessary to maintain the love you have for them while they are still fogged up. Protecting yourself at the same time. That's what I am doing and I am at peace with it. As for your questions---WW is sinking toward rock bottom. Not sure what that means for our relationship,though--stay tuned. Based on what I know, and what she has said I believe she is going thru withdrawal from OM...but we have been here before, so again, I am not sure what, if anything, it means. We'll see.I do have a sense that she "wants" to figure things out...but that's a walk she has to make on her own. As much as I want to...I can't really help. I can just be there at the end of that journey if she wants me to be and I have told her that.Again...thank you for your thoughts.twinkles & nikko thank you & thank you both for your kindnesscali You are so sweet and kind....thank you for the card... You are still the queen to me [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] sinking fast your thoughts are appreciated...I am working on that being strong thing, thanks...Resilient Jo, thanks. You are so right about when it rains it pours... And you are right about taking what my W is offering for what it is. I understand it, I really do. She is part of the family and has been for 12 years. She is going thru a tough time with her father, too who was diagnosed with cancer six months ago. So it is tough on her. As I mentioned in my original post she is clearly depressed, and as she told me yesterday:"Dealing with death isn't good for depression.""DOH"She really has been a trouper and has had my feelings in mind thru this time. And I know it is hard for her because she keeps telling me she feels bad for me dealing with this, with everything she has put me thru and she has taken alot of the blame for that.But you are also right about not reading anything into it...I am not. You're right, I have come a long way on this road and I've been able to do it because of caring people like you. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I can't afford to backslide now and I don't plan to. I am taking care of myself. Jo, I appreciate your thoughts and prayers very much...Once again, to all thank you and bless you....you all are in my prayers too.E

Lor---thanks...We must have been posting at the same time. <blockquote>quote:<hr>Originally posted by Lor (Lor):
[QB]
Take it day by day. If a light has gone on in your W's head, you'll know for certain sooner or later, if it has, her behavior will prove it out.
QB]<hr></blockquote>That's right...actions not words...(though the words sometimes help). I plan to wait to see if the light is really on...As you have said before...time and patience... I appreciate your thoughts...thanksE[ May 06, 2002: Message edited by: Elad ]

Dear E, I am sorry for the loss of your father. Moments like this in our lives help us really see what is important. Through this pain, I hope your W does have a moment of clarity. If you feel that your feelings are mixed with numbness and pain, you are not alone. Several here have expressed similar. The loss of a loved one without the A will still make us feel numb and painful at the same time. We are here for you, please let us know how we can help. Prayers from my family to yours are coming. Hugz,
L.

Elad, my deepest sympathy on the loss of your father. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Elad,Our condolences for the loss of your Dad. We are sending up an extra prayer for you.Just know that your Dad is watching over you right know.Let us know if we can help.K

Elad,I read this Monday morning & only now could back here but you were in my thoughts all day.Deepest sympathy about your dad.everything has been said, just know that I echo it.hope you & your family are doing well and may you all find peace.

Once again...thank you all for your thoughts an prayers.Orchid You are so right about mixed feelings. It has been a swirl of emotions since Friday. I feel I have a pretty good handle on it, but you know there is such a flurry around arrangements, family etc that I don't think I will really know until I have some time alone down the road.Thank you for your thoughts.TD I appreciate you keeping me in your prayers. Thanks.Knewjie You said: "Just know that your Dad is watching over you right know." This is very comforting and brought a smile to my face. Thanks. My mom died seven years ago and when I really felt badly this weekend my WW said: "You know, your mom will be happy to see your dad again." Somehow just knowing that and that they both are watching over us is somehow very comforting. Thank you for your condolences and message.sing Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts. My family and I seem to be doing OK and peace will come, I know it will. Thank you.I am overwhelmed by all of the support here. I shouldn't be surrpised, however, because the people on this board are so caring. Thank you all so very much again.E[ May 07, 2002: Message edited by: Elad ]