Now that I am some what calm, how do you deal with the hate, from being manipulated and lied to for 15yrs? I did make a post before, and I dont want to repeat it, my mind was gone. My W let me believe our M problems were from me, and no matter what, I couldn't make it right. Now that I am starting to learn what the real problems are,(sexual,physical,mental,abuse, including incest), The hate is over powering. She and her family have put on the big act for 17yrs to me.
I new my W had problems when we met, she told me about her first M,(she was long D when I met her) and he was abusive. So I atributed her problem to him. He was the perfect scape goat, I know now why he was abusive, and I dont condone it, but I have an understanding. And as her husband, I feel like you know what. And I do not blame my W for the things she had no control over.
There is no emotional feelings towards me, from my W, I could look but could not touch, and I couldn't have a say in anything, except if it was what she wanted anyway. When we did have sex, ( and that's all it was), she was not an active participant. At least now I know why.
This all came about last winter when I'd had enough and all kinds of thought's were in my head, and there still there, I had question's. Things kept comeing back to me from the last 15yrs, and her standard answer is allway's the same, "I dont know". I cant believe I with stood 15yrs of that answer.
Enough ranting, I need to know how to deal with the feeling of hate? Any Idea's would be appreciated.

We were both seeing our own C's, but they say we need to find someone who specializes in this area, my W is draging her feet and is keeping very quiet at this time.

Thank you.

Did you know that "hate" is a secondary emotion? What this means is that there is a primary emotion that you are skipping over ---> and turning into hate !

The primary emotion can be fear or helplessness ..... usually something that makes us feel weak and powerless .... so, in order to restore our sense of power ... we go into ANGER or HATE to feel powerful.

So, in order to "deal with the hate" ... you'll need to admit and experience the feeling of being weak and powerless. This is usually difficult for men (and slightly less difficult for most women) and might be why some men act out violently when they are hurt. They reject "I am hurt" and go into "I am angry and full of hate".

I suggest you spend time with a counselor or pastor or rabbi ... someone who is trustworthy and safe ... and surrender yourself to your primary feelings, to release them .... then the underlying reason for the hate will be gone. WARNING!!! You usually have to do this more than once, and you will feel worse for awhile before you feel better .... but, in my experience .... there is no better way to "deal with hate".

Trust yourself and let go of the hate with some counselor who knows what they are doing .... you will come out of this stronger and wiser !

Best wishes.

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ August 06, 2002, 08:22 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

pepper,

Thank you for your response, I am seeing a counsler, I have been for awhile. That is why my W started to see one herself. I have been thru the emotional scale from one exstreme to the next, and yes the feeling of powerlessness is overwhelming, fear? I am afraid I will lose my M, my counsler said from the vary beginning this is going to be a long road, he had idea's were this was going to go, but didn't lead me in any direction, he just asked me how much I loved my W.

At that time I loved her very much, but I sit here now and dont know. I know I need to move foward and be there for my W, but she doesn't say much, and it is like she is trying to get me to focus only on her family. I have alway's been the mediator when they have had difficult family matter's, but not this time, I will help my W with what ever I can, but not her family.

My counsler told me to focus on the thing I can control, but there is not much I control, and my W is out of bounds, so the answer I guess is learn to live with it, or go on with out her, ether way I lose. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

My next session I will bring up what you said, and explore my feeling at a deeper point.

You are holding up pretty good under the circumstances , I think.

Keep yourself strong ... that part you do control ... how you react and respond is manageable.

Take care.

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />