Hello old friends - THANK YOU & update on me! - 10/08/02 12:21 PM
I haven't been here in a very long time, but that certainly doesn't mean this board hasn't been on my mind. I get little "niggles" in my head each week reminding me how much this place helped me and how I grew stronger and happier with the help from everyone here.
For all you new-comers, the only advice I can give you is to read and post as much as you like. And when someone who has been through the pain of infidelity offers you advice, listen to it. More times than not, they are right. They've been here using the MB tools for a long time and they know what works and what doesn't. It's been my experience that this place is a wealth of information for creating happier and healthier relationship and a happier and healthier you. As Nike says - Just Do It!
Now for my update - Oh dear...where to start?
As you may or may not recall, H started his affair 3 months after we were married. I didn't find out until October of 2001. The usual emotions kicked in - pain, suicidal thoughts, loss of weight, sleepless nights, major depression, et al. To put it mildly, it sucked.
I got myself into counselling and found the MB site. I began to read every post I could find and ask advice from the wise ones. The advice I received was, indeed, priceless. The support, encouragement and friendship was welcome at a time when I felt I couldn't go on.
I Plan A'd from the start. It took a few months for it to sink in that Plan A was for *me*, but I'm sure that's a common hurdle to jump! Once I realised that it was for me, to make myself a better person and realise my own potential for healing and being happy, I began to soar.
And soar I did! In fact, I flew straight to the court house to file for divorce. I realise that the point of MB is BUILD marriages, but in my particular situation, I couldn't take the pain anymore. I went Plan B and went to it FAST and HARD! In my case, Plan B worked - my WH came crawling on hands and knees begging to come back. He said that he had been planning to buy me the engagement ring that I never had, was going to ask me to marry him all over again and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. Let me tell you, when that fog lifted, it was like a gale force wind shot in and blew it away in seconds.
WH said that he made a huge mistake - was caught up in a fantasy world and thought that his OW was the woman of his dreams. He admitted he was wrong, said he never loved her, said she was horrible and manipulative and he wanted nothing to do with her. He said he missed me and loved me and couldn't believe he was so stupid as to leave me behind the way he did.
Now, bear in mind that these are the words I had waited so long to hear. I can't even tell you how many times I prayed and begged for him to come back to me. The months I spent waiting for him and standing by him being the ultimate door mat while he had his cake and ate it too. But when the day finally came - guess what? I didn't want it.
I stared at him and listened to him as he lay on the floor begging me to take him back. And the only thing I felt was numb. I had no love left. I had no feelings of regret or remorse. I had no sympathy. I had no desire to say "ok, let's work on it." I was done. I had been sh*t on for so long that I had lost all respect and love for that man and God himself couldn't have squeezed another iota out of me. (I often wonder if I Plan A'd too long, but I'm sure that's another thread!)
It was a tough few months after that. WH seemed to be going through everything I was going through before. He was calling me crying all night. He went into a major depression. He went crying to all our friends and family. Unfortunately, the only person who helped him out was me. Everyone else just looked at him and said "What did you expect? You brought this all on yourself. We all told you she wouldn't wait for you forever and now she's gone. You got what you deserved".
I suppose, in a way, I still had feelings for him, but it was more pity than anything else. The guy was hurting and going through it pretty bad. I certainly wasn't about to do what he did to me and ignore him. So I kept my mobile next to the bed at night in case he needed to talk. I met with him for coffee and tried to listen and help him through it. I offered to go to counselling with him as a friend. I told him I would always be his friend and never abandon him the way everyone else seemed to. He couldn't quite believe that I was being so supportive despite not wanting him back, but as I've read on here a thousand times and as I've always said...I want to look in the mirror 10 years from now and be proud of what I did and who I am. To abandon him when he needed someone the most simply wouldn't be right. So I stood by him, gave him a shoulder to cry on, lifted him up when he fell and continued with the divorce.
Maybe I was treading on dangerous ground by doing that. Maybe I was being a sucker once again. Who knows. All I know is I did what I felt was right in my heart. Yes, he was my husband who had cheated on me for a year. Yes he left me in a pool of depression and tears. Yes he ignored me when I needed to talk. But two wrongs don't make a right and I certainly wasn't going to do the "revenge" thing.
I'm proud of myself. I'm proud of the way I handled everything and I'm proud to say that my divorce was final a week ago. I'm also proud to say that my Ex-H and I are still friends and get together once a week to catch up on news and gossip and have a laugh.
But the thing I am most of proud of is what I learned. I learned how to treat your spouse/parnter. I learned that respect is the key. I learned that I deserve the best. I learned that it's okay to take responsibility for my own mistakes and that I can not repeat them in the future. I read *so many* books on relationships (most recommended by people on these boards) and found them to be worth their weight in gold.
I am now the proud owner of the most fulfilling, rewarding and happy relationship I've ever had in my life. I met my new man in March. Obviously, I wasn't looking for a new relationship. It was the absolute last thing on my mind. I had already started divorce proceedings and my Ex-H was hitting rock bottom. So on top of being preoccupied with all that, along came Mr. Wow. It didn't hit me at first that he was partner material. We just met through mutual friends and got along really well. I figured I had made a new friend and that was fine by me.
But feelings, being what they are, are unpredictable. I had to admit to myself that I fancied this guy. He knew my situation - knew that I was going through a divorce and respected that I wanted to take it slow. He opened a huge door for me to leave by if I felt I had to. He kept a respectful distance when Ex-H and I had divorce things to settle and he supported me when it got to be too much.
Knowing what I know about Emotional Needs, I kept a sharp eye on myself and my feelings. I had to make sure he wasn't just filling a void and causing me to gush with the joy of my EN's being met. We took it very slow and I was very cautious.
We have been living together now for a few months (so much for taking it slow) and I am the happiest I have ever been in my life. I thought I had reached the height of happiness on my own - until I met him. He completes me. He never talks down to me. He listens when I talk. He laughs at my stupid jokes. He tells me every day that I'm beautiful and gorgeous and intelligent. We do things together on the weekends. We talk until the wee hours of the night. The feelings I have about this relationship are stronger than I've ever felt. And we don't argue! Hurrah! If there is a decision to be made, we do it by compromise and talking. If either of us feels cheated in a decision, we say so with respect and without harsh words. We have been seeing each other since the end of March and are going from strength to strength. The best part? I've got the blessing of all my family and friends. We are told, even by strangers, that we are the happiest and most perfect couple anyone has seen. It's an odd feeling, but we're loving it. We feel it and it shows!
So I just wanted to pop in and say thank you to everyone here. When I needed a kick up the butt, people like Bramblerose and Resilient were there to kick away! (there are so many others to mention, but I fear I'm using up enough space already!) When I needed a shoulder to cry on, everyone here gave it to me. When I felt like I couldn't Plan A anymore, I would post and immediately get the support and advice I needed. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. If you can't see it now, you will soon. I thought, in the beginning that I wouldn't get through this and I would never be good enough for anyone; not even myself.
Time *does* heal all wounds. We are all responsible for our own happiness. We all have the power. And we can all do it. I decided to post my update hoping that it will help some of the people who are fresh from finding out about their spouse's affair. Or maybe you've been here a while and don't know what else to do. All I can say is, don't look for the "quick fix". It's a long hard road you're on. Read, learn and practice and you WILL get through it.
I certainly did!
Right, now I'm off to read some posts and see how everyone is doing.
Thank you, once again, from the bottom of my healed and happy heart. I could not have done this without any of you.
lots and lots of love
venusenvy
PS - I'm STILL Plan A'ing!!!!
For all you new-comers, the only advice I can give you is to read and post as much as you like. And when someone who has been through the pain of infidelity offers you advice, listen to it. More times than not, they are right. They've been here using the MB tools for a long time and they know what works and what doesn't. It's been my experience that this place is a wealth of information for creating happier and healthier relationship and a happier and healthier you. As Nike says - Just Do It!
Now for my update - Oh dear...where to start?
As you may or may not recall, H started his affair 3 months after we were married. I didn't find out until October of 2001. The usual emotions kicked in - pain, suicidal thoughts, loss of weight, sleepless nights, major depression, et al. To put it mildly, it sucked.
I got myself into counselling and found the MB site. I began to read every post I could find and ask advice from the wise ones. The advice I received was, indeed, priceless. The support, encouragement and friendship was welcome at a time when I felt I couldn't go on.
I Plan A'd from the start. It took a few months for it to sink in that Plan A was for *me*, but I'm sure that's a common hurdle to jump! Once I realised that it was for me, to make myself a better person and realise my own potential for healing and being happy, I began to soar.
And soar I did! In fact, I flew straight to the court house to file for divorce. I realise that the point of MB is BUILD marriages, but in my particular situation, I couldn't take the pain anymore. I went Plan B and went to it FAST and HARD! In my case, Plan B worked - my WH came crawling on hands and knees begging to come back. He said that he had been planning to buy me the engagement ring that I never had, was going to ask me to marry him all over again and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. Let me tell you, when that fog lifted, it was like a gale force wind shot in and blew it away in seconds.
WH said that he made a huge mistake - was caught up in a fantasy world and thought that his OW was the woman of his dreams. He admitted he was wrong, said he never loved her, said she was horrible and manipulative and he wanted nothing to do with her. He said he missed me and loved me and couldn't believe he was so stupid as to leave me behind the way he did.
Now, bear in mind that these are the words I had waited so long to hear. I can't even tell you how many times I prayed and begged for him to come back to me. The months I spent waiting for him and standing by him being the ultimate door mat while he had his cake and ate it too. But when the day finally came - guess what? I didn't want it.
I stared at him and listened to him as he lay on the floor begging me to take him back. And the only thing I felt was numb. I had no love left. I had no feelings of regret or remorse. I had no sympathy. I had no desire to say "ok, let's work on it." I was done. I had been sh*t on for so long that I had lost all respect and love for that man and God himself couldn't have squeezed another iota out of me. (I often wonder if I Plan A'd too long, but I'm sure that's another thread!)
It was a tough few months after that. WH seemed to be going through everything I was going through before. He was calling me crying all night. He went into a major depression. He went crying to all our friends and family. Unfortunately, the only person who helped him out was me. Everyone else just looked at him and said "What did you expect? You brought this all on yourself. We all told you she wouldn't wait for you forever and now she's gone. You got what you deserved".
I suppose, in a way, I still had feelings for him, but it was more pity than anything else. The guy was hurting and going through it pretty bad. I certainly wasn't about to do what he did to me and ignore him. So I kept my mobile next to the bed at night in case he needed to talk. I met with him for coffee and tried to listen and help him through it. I offered to go to counselling with him as a friend. I told him I would always be his friend and never abandon him the way everyone else seemed to. He couldn't quite believe that I was being so supportive despite not wanting him back, but as I've read on here a thousand times and as I've always said...I want to look in the mirror 10 years from now and be proud of what I did and who I am. To abandon him when he needed someone the most simply wouldn't be right. So I stood by him, gave him a shoulder to cry on, lifted him up when he fell and continued with the divorce.
Maybe I was treading on dangerous ground by doing that. Maybe I was being a sucker once again. Who knows. All I know is I did what I felt was right in my heart. Yes, he was my husband who had cheated on me for a year. Yes he left me in a pool of depression and tears. Yes he ignored me when I needed to talk. But two wrongs don't make a right and I certainly wasn't going to do the "revenge" thing.
I'm proud of myself. I'm proud of the way I handled everything and I'm proud to say that my divorce was final a week ago. I'm also proud to say that my Ex-H and I are still friends and get together once a week to catch up on news and gossip and have a laugh.
But the thing I am most of proud of is what I learned. I learned how to treat your spouse/parnter. I learned that respect is the key. I learned that I deserve the best. I learned that it's okay to take responsibility for my own mistakes and that I can not repeat them in the future. I read *so many* books on relationships (most recommended by people on these boards) and found them to be worth their weight in gold.
I am now the proud owner of the most fulfilling, rewarding and happy relationship I've ever had in my life. I met my new man in March. Obviously, I wasn't looking for a new relationship. It was the absolute last thing on my mind. I had already started divorce proceedings and my Ex-H was hitting rock bottom. So on top of being preoccupied with all that, along came Mr. Wow. It didn't hit me at first that he was partner material. We just met through mutual friends and got along really well. I figured I had made a new friend and that was fine by me.
But feelings, being what they are, are unpredictable. I had to admit to myself that I fancied this guy. He knew my situation - knew that I was going through a divorce and respected that I wanted to take it slow. He opened a huge door for me to leave by if I felt I had to. He kept a respectful distance when Ex-H and I had divorce things to settle and he supported me when it got to be too much.
Knowing what I know about Emotional Needs, I kept a sharp eye on myself and my feelings. I had to make sure he wasn't just filling a void and causing me to gush with the joy of my EN's being met. We took it very slow and I was very cautious.
We have been living together now for a few months (so much for taking it slow) and I am the happiest I have ever been in my life. I thought I had reached the height of happiness on my own - until I met him. He completes me. He never talks down to me. He listens when I talk. He laughs at my stupid jokes. He tells me every day that I'm beautiful and gorgeous and intelligent. We do things together on the weekends. We talk until the wee hours of the night. The feelings I have about this relationship are stronger than I've ever felt. And we don't argue! Hurrah! If there is a decision to be made, we do it by compromise and talking. If either of us feels cheated in a decision, we say so with respect and without harsh words. We have been seeing each other since the end of March and are going from strength to strength. The best part? I've got the blessing of all my family and friends. We are told, even by strangers, that we are the happiest and most perfect couple anyone has seen. It's an odd feeling, but we're loving it. We feel it and it shows!
So I just wanted to pop in and say thank you to everyone here. When I needed a kick up the butt, people like Bramblerose and Resilient were there to kick away! (there are so many others to mention, but I fear I'm using up enough space already!) When I needed a shoulder to cry on, everyone here gave it to me. When I felt like I couldn't Plan A anymore, I would post and immediately get the support and advice I needed. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. If you can't see it now, you will soon. I thought, in the beginning that I wouldn't get through this and I would never be good enough for anyone; not even myself.
Time *does* heal all wounds. We are all responsible for our own happiness. We all have the power. And we can all do it. I decided to post my update hoping that it will help some of the people who are fresh from finding out about their spouse's affair. Or maybe you've been here a while and don't know what else to do. All I can say is, don't look for the "quick fix". It's a long hard road you're on. Read, learn and practice and you WILL get through it.
I certainly did!
Right, now I'm off to read some posts and see how everyone is doing.
Thank you, once again, from the bottom of my healed and happy heart. I could not have done this without any of you.
lots and lots of love
venusenvy
PS - I'm STILL Plan A'ing!!!!