I’m so sorry to burden you with my “same old” problem. It is deleted. My apology.

<small>[ November 01, 2002, 11:38 AM: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</small>

OOOO,

What's up? Why are you feeeling this way? Please, do not think you are burdening us with your problems. We all have them to some extent, one form or another.

You've been around here for awhile, as have I. I ask that you post your problems to the board for discussion. If you no longer feel comfortable doing that, but need to talk, feel free to email me offline and I will help if I can.

jd

OOOO???

What did you delete? You're NOT a burden. Please, please tell us what's going on.

Concerned,
Jo

OOOO - I read you post before you deleted it and I was planning to respond. Don't apologize for burdening us! I apologize for not having a quick answer.

Please remind me how old your kids are.

You're certainly in a no win situation. The only suggestion I have at the moment is to get into, or continue individual counseling to allow an expert to give you first hand advice. Your wife obviously has control and you have none. We've never met (although I've tried, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ), so I can't assess whether you're a wimp and unable to knock this whole situation off of top dead center! (Pleae read that light-hearted).

Please consider reposting so folks like jd and Jo can help.

Dave

<small>[ November 01, 2002, 03:22 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

OOOO,

I apologize for ditching from your other post a couple of weeks ago. I didn't go away mad, I just got really busy. I did take the time to look at some of your other posts, though, to get a feel for your situation.

My understanding is that your W went into major withdrawal about the time your last child was born. Whether it was your failure to get a vasectomy or something else that happened about the same time, evidently she regarded SOMETHING as a deal-breaker.

She didn't go 100% into withdrawal, though, until her A. I didn't see how the A ended, is there a chance she's still in love with him? At any rate, she returned to the children, not to you.

Do you have any idea why she reacted the way she did? Does she feel you don't take responsibility for the things you should? don't keep promises? something along that line? It doesn't sound like enough, all by itself, to trigger that kind of reaction. What did it symbolize to her?

I know, in my case, my H ISN'T reliable. He'll promise anything, in what appears to be perfect POJA negotiation, and forget it within minutes. I've learned to ignore his promises, there's such a small probability he'll follow through. But I had to learn through experience. Some of my bitterest memories are of times he promised to do something that was REALLY IMPORTANT to me, then blew me off. And told me I was unreasonable when I got upset.
When I was on the verge of my A, I evaluated my marriage and decided I wasn't throwing away very much. It was a very one-sided relationship; he wasn't in it to make me happy. Our relationship became much worse because of the A, but I really don't miss what we had. I have no desire to go back to it. He's not a terrible person, just intensely selfish. My Giver gave out.

I don't know what this means for you. You need to find out what she's thinking. I can't help believing that it would have been a lot easier before her A, especially if (like me) she decided the marriage was over before she proceeded with it.

This isn't a very optimistic message, I'm sorry. Unless you can find out where things went bad, I don't see much hope of fixing them.

OOOO,

I did not get to read your post. Can you please let us know how you are doing?

I have never known you to be a burden, so can you please clarify your feelings? If you are a burden, I will let you know, ok?!?!?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> (just a joke!)

Something painful is continuing in your life, just guessing from what the others wrote. I have not seen any of your posts here for a while. Please let us know how we can help you ok???

hugz,
L.

C'mon OOOO, you must know that your friends are never burdened by your problems. Please post again.

cleo

OOOO,

I'm bumping this up in hopes you will see it. Don't give up on us.

Jo

Looking for OOOO.......

L.

Gentle nudge to the TOP for OOOO.

Jo

OOOO,

I'll add my voice, not that it is here very often; however I do scan here most afternoons.

BTW, nice to see some of my favorite people on this thread.

Thank you jdmac1, Resilient, Worthatry, Smidgen, Orchid, Cleopatra, Sing and others who read.

I’m so sorry for making all of you worried and concerned about me. There isn’t much to talk about it because thing hasn’t moved even an inch.

The reason I felt this way was because there wasn’t much I could do any more. What I can do right now is to think of divorce. That’s where the original post was all about.

The word “divorce” makes me feel sad, sorrow and empty. All this mess and the history of my wife’s affair came to the surface when I thought about divorcing her. Whenever I look at my kids I just couldn’t make myself heading that way. Seeing their world falling apart if divorce happens kills me inside.

What type of father is he? They would think. Why would he want to break the family? Is he a selfish person? And on and on…

That was how I felt last week before the weekend.

Now I don’t know what to feel any more after what I just went through over the weekend. I almost lost my oldest child due to food (nuts) allergy. She ended up in an emergency room after we called 911. The doctor told us that we almost lost her.

We were on the road and fortunately we found the hospital near by even though we didn’t make it there by our own and ended up calling 911 after exit sign.

We’re both shaken by this life threaten event and held on to each other after we got there following the ambulance.

One good thing was that we were both there on her side and we were both there helping each other got through 911.

With this, it makes me realize that I couldn’t possibly leave my family. My wife needs me there. My kids need me there. I need to be there. That’s all I can think of for now. That’s all.

I’m sorry if you would see this as a wimp.

Hmmm... I am glad you came back and posted OOOO, so you could see we ARE interested in what's going on with you!

I don't think that by filing for divorce YOU are the one being selfish or breaking the family, I think your WS took care of that with the affair... right? The affair, insisting on sleeping in separate rooms with no sex nor affection, etc... for YEARS now, right? I think your kids are old enough to understand these truths if that became necessary. They always say that divorce happens before any papers are ever filed. In a way, I'm glad you decided to keep trying, but in a way I'm still kind of sad for you...

What about YOU? Have you ever read Dr.Harley's book, "Give & Take"--maybe that will help you negotiate better payoffs for yourself?? Do you think constantly being in giver mode will eventually trigger resentment in you or just cause you to suddenly snap one day?

OOOO - I apologize for the "wimp" comment. I hope you will believe it was good natured and not serious, but in hindsight I see it now as possibly hurtful.

Your description of your scare with your daughter clearly demonstrates that you are a devoted father and family man. (I don't have to remind you that I know the emotions you felt.)

Perhaps let this event sink in for awhile.

I put up with my wife's indifference for years hoping that our romantic love would rekindle. If not for my sons, I might not have done this. So I know where you're at. I can say confidently that I would have stayed in my "fake" marriage until my surving son was on his own solely for his sake, holding out for "love." So I continue to urge you to keep your family together and work for love with your wife.

You are not a wimp.

Dave

A whimp? No! There is nobody here going to think that of you OOOO. And if anyone does, they don't understand how strong a person has to be simply to try to rebuild a marriage after an affair. Much less the strength needed to endure a relationship if the affair is ongoing.

Your children may have questions, at some point, if the marriage ends in divorce. But, they will not hate you, or think of you as a bad person. Quite the opposite I would think. You have been an example for them. You have shown them that even though things are terrible, the love you hold for your family is worth going through hell for.

My children saw the torture I was living on a daily basis. At first my kids couldn't even think of their mom and I getting a divorce. But...after a while...seeing the pain I was living with daily...all four of them told me I should divorce their mother...even though they knew what that would mean for our family...they could not stand seeing me in continuing pain. See, this caused them extreme pain as well. They realized, at that time, things would get better for all of us if mom and dad did divorce.

Of course I did not get divorced. My family is recovering. It has not been easy. Not by a long shot. But we are a recovering family.

If something should happen and my marriage fails anyway...Well...I won't feel any guilt that I wasn't man enough to keep my family together. I won't think the children will think less of me. No, I know my children will be very proud of the fight I waged to save the marriage. They will be proud of me. And one day I expect to answer questions as to why I fought so long and hard to stay with someone who clearly did not love me at the time.

Don't you think your children might look upon you in this light as well? I do.

jd

Thank you all for your reply.

BINthereDUNthat, Worthatry, and Jdmac1
I realized that I shouldn’t have deleted my post because there were many who are concerned and wanted to help. I just felt hopeless about my situation and wanted to give up everything. Deep in my heart I would never want to see my family breaking apart. Being a family together means everything to me, especially after what happened to my D over the weekend. I hope I wouldn’t have to go through this type of life threaten event again. It was the scariest moment I have ever encountered.

BIN, yes, I did read that book and many others as well. For now all I think of is my D safety and what I should be aware of in term of what she eats. I have learned that this reaction to food allergy could kill if you didn’t make it to the right place at the right time.

Dave, I don’t mean you are seriously calling me a wimp. I know you are just joking about it. I apology if I made you felt that way. You are my friend and someday we would have that “beer”.

Jdmac1, I hope I don’t have to go through what you have been through, but I’m ready for whatever the outcome would be. Like I said before, right now my children come first, especially my D. Of course I love them both. My wife, too, has the children as her #1 priority right now, but she hasn’t seen any connection between us might have to do something with the well-being of the children yet.

Anyway, thank you all for your reply and insightful information. I’m still shaken by what happened to my D every time I think about it.

OOOO,

Glad your D is all right.

Whatever you want, know that those of us who know your story will be here for you.

Ditto what SING said, OOOO.

I too am glad your D is okay. What a scare. So interesting that somehow I feel the hand of God was at play in more ways than one. You agree?

Lv,
Jo

OOOO,

Glad to hear from you. Glad to hear your D is ok. I am sure that was really quite a scare.

Reality situations like this make many think. Hope your W reflects with care.

I know when we had a couple of ER runs last year (not that I am a frequent member or anything like that - LOL!!), the WS was just too way out there to care. Even chose to go on his 'vacation' w/OW to Yosemite. YUCK!!!

But the BS must still keep their head above water anyways. Good thing you were there.

Hugz,
L.

OOOO,

I am very thankful that your daughter is okay. How is your other daughter and wife handling this? Has your wife shared any of her feelings about this with you?

You definitly have cause to be discouraged in your marriage. You also have cause to hope. There have been small steps of progress for you and wife. You two have communicated more over the past couple of years. I know its been painfully slow, but you do have a strong family.
I think that you should talk to Steve Harley once or twice if you can. Let him help you. I talked to him once and he is very straight forward and logical. Maybe he can help you form a gameplan. Also, your wife might be willing to talk to him if she thought she was helping you. What do you think about this idea?

You know I dont think you should give up. But, I do think that it's time for you to get someone who can help YOU.

Thank you Ladies for being here with me.

My D is doing fine right now but a little bit tired. Hope she will recover from it completely and be able to attend the next home coming dance with the rest of her friends (she missed her first home coming dance that day).

Ladies, I know I can count on you for support. I can’t thank you enough for what you have helped me for all these years. I couldn’t have done or been where I am without you and your support. For that I’m grateful and fortunate to have all of you as my friends and distant families.

You all are like sisters to me and hope that it would continue that way for a very long time if not for a life time.

Sis sing,
I’m glad to see you dropping by. How are you? How is your study?

Sis Resilient,
Come to think of it, I seem to agree with you that the hand of God was at play. Maybe that’s what it meant to be. I could feel in my heart that there was something at play to bring us closer than before. I hope that’s how my wife was feeling as well. She seemed to show some signs of closeness and realize something. I don’t know what it is yet but it is in a positive direction.

Sis Orchid,
I’m glad to hear from you too. Thank you for stopping by. I hope my wife would reflect with care after this recent event.

I know what you meant by keeping our head above the water, but sometimes you just get so tired to keep doing it.

Sis Cleopatra,
Thank you for being here with me. My other child (son) was handling quite well. He did miss his sister that night. So far, as far as they remember, they were never being apart from each other over night. That night I told my S that his sister would be OK and the first thing in the morning I would take him there to visit his sister.

Cleo, my wife hasn’t shared any of her feeling about this with me yet. She was exhausted from this event and spent endless night observing our D. I hope we would have a moment together to talk and share our feeling about this soon.

In term of counselor, I have been thinking about it and I think it would a good idea if she is willing to be part of it even to just help me. But I’m not optimistic about it for now. I hope someday it happens.

Again thank you all for your kindness and support.