I'm going to keep this hopefully short and to the point. I had/have a feeling that my wife of only 6 months has been cheating on me for the past three months. One day after being on the road for weeks at a time, I came home at the last minute. She was out of town when I came home and so she didn't realize that there was a chance I was going to be around.

Well, I found a bunch of love letters on the computer (which she said she was writing a short story) and hand written letters in the closet (to the same guy in the letters on the computer). Packages he has sent her, receipts of packages she has sent him, maps to his apartment, etc. This guy lives in another state thousands of miles away...a state she has visited before to see "friends" that I don't know. She met this guy on the internet and has been somehow "seeing" this guy for about three months.

I confronted her on what I found while she was out of town, and she said it wasn't what it looked like. Anyway, I contacted this guy, and apparently she has been lying to him who she is too. Basically it sounded like she was living a double life.

He told me they've slept together in our bed, at his place, and they've even gone to a concert together...all at my expense because she's a stay at home mom. I confronted her with what I've been told and she's denied even meeting the guy.

You would think with all the evidence I have on her, she would have to come clean, but she is still sticking to her guns and saying nothing ever happened with this guy, and he's just making this up because he is upset she will not have a relationship with him.

Now, while talking to him, he did say some stuff that didn't make sense and things that were impossible to be true, but my wife has also said some stuff that didn't make sense either. All I ever wanted was the truth, and I can't seem to get it from anybody.

So, as we stand now, we want to get on with our lives as a married couple and put all of this behind us, but I'm still having a hard time getting past some of the stuff that didn't make sense. This guy entered into our lives somehow and tried to destroy our marriage, and she allowed him into our lives. So, in my mind, in one way or another (if she did or didn't sleep with him I'll never know) she committed some kind of adultry.

The hardest part about the whole deal is, I have literally put my whole life on hold for the past 8 months to provide a life for her, her two kids from her previous marriage, and my own two children from my previous marriage (that I never see). We bought a house together, got a nice van for our family and even a family dog. I gave them EVERYTHING, and for what? For some guy to tell me that for the past few months she has been having an affair.

Now, when can I start to trust her again? She's admitted and apologized for allowing this guy into our lives but still denying that she's even met him. I have apologized for not meeting her emotional needs (from the reading), but who do I trust in this whole game, and when can I start trusting her again? While she was "seeing" this guy, she basically put me on the back burner. I told her that the past few months I felt replaced, and now I see why.

Anyway, that's my situation. There's a lot more to the story, so if you have any questions, I'll be more than happy to address them. I love this woman more than anything in the world, but for something like this to happen, it just crushes me. I can't imagine life without her, but I refuse to be used and treated like this too. Thank you in advance for the help. I'm on the road now, so when I get home, I would love to know the right and wrong things to do. She has promised me that she will never allow something like this to happen again. I want to believe her. Thank you.

I'm feeling very reluctant to respond to your post. Do YOU think they slept together? Even so, it has been confirmed that there is definitely an emotional affair happening that has been ongoing, correct?

As far as cheating and adultery, she nor the other man can be trusted. They will protect each other and their best interests. You, in my humble opinion, will hear NOTHING but lies, lies, lies until the earnestnest of trust is sincere on your wife's part. That will take time. Trust is earned.

I can't help but wonder if it's over. I think you know exactly what is happening. Now you have to decide what your next choice(s) will be. My suggestion is to start the MB program, request she attend couples counseling together, and agree to CONVINCE you that this AFFAIR is over. She has told you that she chooses her marriage ... she needs to prove it IMHO. I'm sure you'll get more feedback.

2TearyEyes,

Do I think? See I hate to say yes or no because either way I can't prove if it did or did not happen. I want to believe that it didn't happen, but there are just a lot of things that point to the fact that they could have. Yes, there was definitely some sort of emotional affair going on, and that is something she has apologized greatly for.

I agree I will hear nothing but lies. She has stopped all communication with him and swears that she just wants to pretend like he's dead. He even told me himself he has stopped talking to her. We will see how comfortable things are when I get home. If she's still hiding the cell phone, closing out windows on the computer when I walk in, then that's it. I can't take the mind games.

We've already agreed to attend counseling when I'm able to be home. I'm also going to attend counseling for myself. It's just so hard to believe that all I want is the truth, and all I feel like I'm getting are lies. But if she's wanting to make this marriage work, then it LOOKS like she's on the right track by stopping the communication with him and acting like a mother and wife again.

You have answered your own questions ... and mine, IMO.

Now ... you have every right to feel comfortable ... since she is more than willing (? right ?) ... in asking for what I am about to suggest; consider the seriousness and ask her to do the same; your marriage, your children. Can you change your ISP and agree to "no online" for now? Phone(s)/numbers changed without arguement, etc.?

Your feelings are normal, and my suggestion is to do these things and watch the billing statements. If she is sincere and regretful, etc., this should not be a problem. Showing remorse, unless she is "wanting" still ...

I'm sure you're picking up what I'm putting down. Personally, I don't feel it's too much to ask. You deserve to have your integrity, security, and trust intact; especially given the fact that you have to work away from home! JMHO

Okay ... (a scenario) let's just say they "are" or "were" actually having a full-blown affair.

You come home and see things as you describe(d) in your initial post.

How would they react ????

(Please don't make me get my ballbat out, but I know ... you'd probably rather get ballbatted!! Knowing and accepting the probable truth is worse!)

It is very hard to accept.

BTW, in most cases ... an emotional affair is much worse than a one-night-stand. It's not just sex.

(Personal experience, married a sex addict.)

from a female's point of view i don't know what to tell you coz we are on the same boat:

I've read plan A and plan B and decided to try to make the marriage work but its really hard to trust again. It seems that i'm battling with my own self everyday, i really don't know if he is telling the truth or not - how can i tell - i wish i could read his mind and know what's going on with his heart. He said he is not contacting the OP but how can i tell if that's true - i can't even say its over between the two of them.

Here are the things that kept my sanity intact for the last months. I hope somehow this could help you
* prayers - i keep on praying and praying and keep on entrusting everything unto the hands of God
* reading - self-help/self-improvement books, and the likes
* self-assessment/planning life with or without him
* pamper myself more - since i have neglected this aspect for a while and centered my life on him
* hoping for the best for the family but now "open" to the fact that life is never the same again but regardless i will make my life worthwhile


my prayers are with you - do pray for me too - like the others who survived this tramatic events i know we can too

"all things will come to pass"

----------------------------------
as for the others who can read this - pls advise me too



denise

It's a hard road, and most of us here have been down it. You will learn alot if you read some of the posts here, they are full of wonderful advice and stories you will be able to relate to.

Sex or no sex, this is an affair. You know that, whether she admits it or not. Sometimes it is hard to accept though.

The by-the-book MB approach is to first establish 'no contact'. This is usually done by your wife sending the guy a letter, which you read as well. It says something like "our relationship has caused pain to my family, I will not contact you again and would like for you not to contact me, I have decided to focus on repairing th damage I have done to my marriage" This should be something she does willingly though, not under pressure.

You need to feel sure that there is no contact between them (for your own piece of mind). This should be up to her to prove, and she should do it willingly. She show you her phone, give you her email passwords etc, lose all the letters, receipts and presents, all the steps you need to be sure he is out of her life. I would also have her lose his email address and phone number.

Once you feel sure he is out of her life, there will be a time when she will be in 'withdrawl'. Affairs are usually addictive behaviour. She probably wont want to do much to work on the marriage, but this is the time she needs to know that you will listen without blame, or 'love busting'. This is the time for you to show her that you can meet her needs and make some changes to your life.

You will know when you are ready to trust her again.

Keep writing, you will get lots of good advice here.

Here's something to think about, after this, even more powerful ... see the NEXT thread posted here:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post2850593

Not to scare or offend, but this poster knows firsthand:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post2831757

In addition, it is my understanding that you have been married six months and you suspect this for three, which is 1/2 the time you two have been married. Three ... meaning ... active?? I can't help but wonder.

My husband is a recovered sex addict, he screwed everything with two legs ... including my closest friends (and didn't even have the cooth to exclude my very BEST friend, and neither did she) ... and I was so "trusting" and CLUELESS, I got about the same type of explanations you are getting. Sex/relationship addiction are very closely related and many times are one-in-the-same. I wonder ... was this going on before?? I found out about my husband's problems eight years into our relationship (married for five) and I do not consider myself naive by any means. He hid it VERY WELL! Sounded much the same; which is why I was reluctant to post in the first place.

Use care!!! BTW ... don't fall for the "You didn't meet my needs crap" as you suggest in a previous post. BS!! Nothing justifies cheating, it's a conscious decision!

You're in my prayers.

One more thing.

You don't need "proof." The burden of proof is on your W. There are expected behaviors that are "evidenced" in a marriage. When "questionmarks" evolve, it needs to be handled ... and the "burden of proof" is on the partner that has created this very real, and justified, hurt in this case.

Your W has already admitted "partly" to that fact, why do YOU need to feel ANY burden of proof?? You did NOT cause this!

(WOW! Some of these topics are really hard to leave when your mind goes back and "remembers" to help.) SHEW!!!

To all. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR REPLIES! I'll try to handle the posts up to this point. When I found about what was going on, I immediately checked the cell phone records. During the time she was putting me on the back burner, I noticed she was spending hours upon hours talking to him on the phone. I brought that to her attention by saying that she wouldn't hold a conversation with me for longer than 10 minutes, but was able to talk to him for hours. Not only that but she was sick of me trying to be lovey dovey, but she was able to be all lovey dovey toward him.

It makes me sick to my stomach to think about it. I have thought about getting a key logger for the computer. I know she wouldn't use the cell phone to call anymore because of this last time.

Man, all I want to do is move on. She keeps telling me over and over that she loves me and me only, she wants to move on with our lives, etc. Since her seperation from him, she has been her old self again by calling me all the time, being lovey dovey, etc. All the stuff she used to do before him. Day before yesterday she noticed I was feeling down and wondered if she was doing something wrong (phone call because I'm on the road), and I said yes and no. No in the fact that I love it that she's her old self again, but yes in the fact that why did these actions stop during that three month period if she wasn't doing anything with him. Why did it have to take me finding out for her to realize what she was missing and how much she loved me?

It's funny, about a month ago while I was on the road, she told me to go get laid. No feelings attached, just go have wild crazy monkey sex. I told her no way. She replied by asking why not, and I said that I loved her too much. That and a lot of other things she wanted to do really made my ears perk up.

I'm almost certain that she has cut all communications with him. She realized that this guy almost destroyed our marriage, so she wants to just forget about him....easier said than done for me. Anyway, thank you again everybody for your replies.

Well, it's official everybody, I pretty much snapped. I was sitting in my hotel room just thinking, and I couldn't get the sickening thoughts out of my head that she had an affair. That a ton of other things on my mind made me just start shaking uncontrollably. So, I went to the hospital and they put me on Xanax. I've never in my whole life felt so out of control. I'm still trying to handle the situation with my wife. All I can do is pray and hope. Thanks again everybody.

I am so sorry for your pain. Everything you have written and her telling you to get laid indicates in all likelihood that she did cheat on you which means you need to be tested for STD's. To have her do all of these things after 3 months of your honeymoon period is beyond comprehension. I would think about an annulment. You may wish to have her take a polygraph test but the bottom line is that clearly she has been involved emotionally at the least if not physically which seems likely. If she was doing this in your home and visiting him then you really need to think about your future. Why in the world would she have gotten married to you for her to do this 3 months into your marriage. If this is true then you need to know when to cut your losses. You judge a person by their actions and her actions speaks volumes. Am I wrong?

Transparency and accountability are essential in a marriage and more so when there has been an affair. Your W may or may not have had a full blown affair but she certainly had an EA [emotional affair]. You would do well to to print out 2 copies of the Emotional Needs Questionaire and the Love Busters Questionaire. You fill out one copy of each and your W fills out the other copies. Also get Dr Willard Harley's books 'Surviving An Affair', 'His Needs, Her Needs', 'Love Busters' and read them together. Good luck.

TMCM

It saddens me to know how badly you are hurting, take care of yourself and know that this did not happen because you "lack" in ANY WAY! This is not about you, the OM could have been anyone ... IMHO ... it was a case of opportunity and I suspect he, eventually, would have been someone else. Obviously, your wife felt lonely and felt as though her needs were not met ... again, this does not justify having an affair. She needed to advise you and take responsibility for her needs in the marriage. It does not sound like she was very articulate in expressing EXACTLY what it was that she felt was lacking in the marriage. (If that was the case, wouldn't she be addressing "problems?") And according to her behaviors toward you now ... it sounds like an addiction problem due to neediness she does not know how to address in a healthy fashion. Again, I'm grasping at straws here.

On another note, about how you feel the cellphone situation is under control, I would change the numbers altogether. We did this and it did not cost a dime and we can do it as many times as we choose. I suppose that would depend on your provider's policies. In addition, I'm wondering why you would put yourself through the worry of bothering about the computer at all ... turn it off altogether. Cancel your service. Your marriage is in trouble and she "claims" to be willing to do ALL to comfort you and repair the damages done, correct? JMHO.

I would eliminate any/all possibilities for contact; if she is sincerely working on the marriage, this should not even be an issue. She should certainly understand the why's and how's you are feeling this way ... and the tremendous pain that you are in that could be relieved, at least somewhat!

In addition, if there is ever contact ... you will KNOW where she truly stands. Take care of you, my friend.

You remain in my prayers.

Well, I have quite the update. After going to the doctors office, I went back to my hotel room to do what the doctor asked me to do. He told me to write down everything that was on my mind, and also write down all the things that attracted my wife to me and give it to her. So that's exactly what I did. Now keep in mind, when I sought help from friends or family, she would get mad because she wanted to keep this between us, so she begged that I seek professional help. She said if I couldn't keep our business our business, she would leave me.

Well, I wrote down everything and sent it to her on email. I felt really good about myself after I did it. I finally once and for all got everything that was on my mind and put it to rest. I really felt like this was my first step in the right direction by putting everything behind me.

A couple hours later she sent a reply to my email. Guess what her reply was. She wants a separation. I was dumbstruck. I get in trouble if I ask for help from friends, but if I ask for help from a professional doctor and do what he asks me to do, she wants a separation. At that time, I felt so helpless. I can’t win. Everything I do seems to be the wrong thing. I’m completely clueless.

Well, after I read her email, I was devastated. I called a friend that’s been helping me out (which was supposed to be just between her and I), and she couldn’t believe what was going on. Well, the next day, the husband of the friend of mine called my wife’s ex and told him in a nutshell what was going on, now my wife is worried that somehow he could get leverage on her as far as child custody is concerned.

Of course after I heard that he could possibly use this against her, I was hurt because her ex husband is in an abusive relationship and his wife hates the kids, so any time they have to be in their life is definitely hurting the children. The kids are scared to death of their dad’s new wife.

So here’s where I stand. I get threatened with divorce if I seek unprofessional help, I’m told she wants a separation if I do seek unprofessional help, and now I’m risking the health and safety of her kids by seeking any help at all. What do I do? Please for the love of God I just want to do the right thing.

I will say that while I am sure that you are not blameless nor perfect in your relational life with your W, I find it extraordinary how she has seemingly manipulated you into believing that this situation is your fault.

Your W does not get to "control" you, any more than you get to "control" her. Ultimatums like "I'll leave you if you get help" serve no purpose other than to drive a wedge between the two of you, and guess what? It did.

Have you read the recovery from an affair material on this site? W/o the blinders on? There are *specific* things that you need to do.

You're a long way from recovery, frankly, I'm not convinced that your W doesn't just want a separation so she can feel free to play.

You have to start looking out for yourself. Do you want the relationship to heal? Of course, but you have to start asserting your own healing, and stop looking to your W to validate you. She has proven herself untrustworthy.

So do the right thing for you, let your W's thoughts on the subject be damned, you do what's *best for you*. IN some ways, she acted selfishly, now it's your turn, to *preserve* yourself. Not to take revenge, but to protect your sanity.

It's funny. Do you know how many times I've heard, "It's time to look out for yourself?" It's so hard for me to do that because I feel so guilty if I do what I want to do to be happy. I feel it's my responsibilty to make everybody else happy. That's the way it was with my ex and that's how I feel with my current one. I love her so much, I can't fathom the thought of getting a divorce, but at the same time, I'm wondering how much I have to go through before I go crazy. Thank you again everybody for being there for me. It's a lot of help.

Open your eyes man! You've only been married for 6 months and your W has been having, at the very least, a cyber affair for the last 3 months. Now she's demanding a separation that will make it easier for her to continue with her affair. Is this the behavior of a newlywed married woman? You must ask yourself whether it is truly love that motivates you to continue or fear of another failed marriage.

I think maybe you should ask yourself why you would love someone who would be doing these things to you during your honeymoon period? It seems that you have picked the wrong person to love. Imagine what life would be like if you picked the right person to love.

If you can't live without her, and your W knows this, then get used to riding this rollercoaster for the rest of your life, or until she tires of playing with you and finds somebody new to mess with.

What you have I strongly doubt is love, (although love is a component of it), but more like an obsession. And your W uses this against you, because I suspect she has intuited that you are incapable of standing on your own.

Does that mean that it's wrong to desire your W or want to be with them? Not at all. But I think in your case, you can probably just barely make out that line way back in the distance...

At the very least, I would hope you would want the obsession/love reciprocated, which it obviously isn't.

Sorry love hurts 2, that you are here.
Your wife won't respect you until you respect yourself.
Get tough. Not hateful, but strong.
Let her know she is free to move on should she choose to, but the door will be locked behind her.
The more you take, the more she will dish out to you if you don't put a stop to it now.

Well, I took a lot of your advice. Mostly at the point where it was time for me to look after myself and get tough. I told her I've had enough, I'm tired of being the one to blame, and it's time we make a decision. I told her I still love her to death, but I can't do this on my own, and if I will be doing it on my own, then I'm moving on. So I told her that I'm coming home, filing the proper paperwork, packing my stuff, and leaving. I told her NONE of this would have ever happened if she wouldn't have had the relationship with this guy. I wrote that to her last night and this morning I received an email that basically said, "Wow. You're right. I accept all responsibility of what's going on." She still wishes that I would've reacted differently, but she accepts all responsibility of what's going on.

So now I'm heading home, we're going to talk face to face and decide once and for all to see if our marriage can be saved. I'm sure it can be, but it's going to take a lot of changes on both of our parts if this marriage is expected to work out. Thank you all for your help. I will keep you updated. Keep praying for me. Thanks.

LH2,

It is absolutely your W's responsibility to convince you that the A, whether a PA or EA, is over. However, you should verify that what she is telling you is the truth. Since you travel frequently and can not keep an eye on her, maybe you should install a keylogger on your PC so that you can be sure you have all of her passwords so that you can read her emails. You should also check her outgoing calls on her cell phone and try to make her account for any lengthly calls she receives. Some folks here also swear by a digital voice activated recorder.

You, as I did, have the small advantage provided by the fact that OM lives far away so getting together takes some real planning and effort....i.e. difficult to hide for long.

IMHO, Given that you have been married only six months, if she won't do everything possible to save your marriage, you should probably save yourself years of pain and suffering and end the M.

Your W is not to be trusted. Actions, not words. She has to prove by her *actions* the affair is over.

Nothing wrong wtih talking about it, but talk is cheap, and that and 3.50 will get you a flavored coffee drink somewhere...

In any case, the two of you need to look at the affair material, and should consider MC of some sort.

Hello everybody. Just a small update. First off I want to thank everybody again for all their support. A lot has happened since my last post so I'll try to keep it short. For the most part our marriage has been on again, off again, on again, off again, etc. She made the first decision to call it quits, so I made decisions to to leave the house and to take care of myself. Well, 20 minutes before getting to the airport for me to leave, she said she wanted to try and work it out. I don't know if it scared her that I was leaving her forever or what. I obivously wanted to make it work, so I said whatever decisions I made for my future, I'd do whatever I could to make it work out for both of us.

It's been a long road since. I've called our marriage off a couple times because there are days that I can't seem to think straight. There are days I wonder why anybody I have dedicated so much love and time to, and somebody I sacraficed everything for could say they love me and still do this to me. I've told her all I've ever wanted from ANYBODY was to be loved and respected no matter how smart/dumb I am, how much money I make or what job I have. All I ever wanted was unconditional love. Nothing else.

Anyway, after a few too many breakdowns, I told her I was done. I needed to concentrate on me and my kids that I haven't seen in two months. I needed to do what I needed to do to make me happy. If she wants this marriage to work, she was going to have to put forth a lot more effort because I don't know what else to do to make it work. I've done everything in my power to try and make this marriage work just for it to blow up in my face.

So, she's been the one calling me and making sure things are ok, she's been the one to make plans for me to come home or to make plans for when we're together, etc.

Here's what I'm having a hard time with right now. I still have bad days. There are days (or parts of days) that I sit and wonder why she did do this. Why??????? Sometimes I'll sit up all night thinking, getting mad, sad, crying, etc just wondering why and what do I have to do to help. Those days are getting fewer and fewer, but from what I've read it's part of the healing process. Do I tell her about my bad days or do I just let the emotions run their course and just keep on going on with life? Do I say, "Listen, I have these bad days because...."

I told her I've forgiven her for what she's done (Luke 17:4), but I will never ever in a million years be able to forget what happened. THIS IS WHAT I NEED HELP WITH!! It's like a light switch. I'll be doing something and all of a sudden I'll be thinking about what happened. I hate it. Anyway, any help would be great. Thanks again for all your love and support.

My w and I have been trying to work it out and for the past few weeks things seem to have been really good. This morning I found out that one of the email addresses she said she merged with her new account wasn't showing up on the new account, so I assumed she was using it behind my back because she's told me numerous times that she merged the two accounts and she doesn't worry about it. I questioned her about it because that was the email account she was using to communicate with during the A. She got defensive and was upset that I questioned her about it. I wasn't rude about it, and I never raised my voice. I just voiced my concern and why I was concerned. Now, I've read "Surving and Affair" this weekend, and I'm wondering if I burned some love tokens out of my bank, and if so, was it justified? Thoughts please.

Maybe you did burn some “love tokens” BUT did she give an adequate answer? It’s not a one lane street. She has to take part too.