Anger at being "made" to cheat. - 05/17/09 02:44 PM
I've been lurking here for a little while and reading some of the great stuff that Dr Harley has on this site.
I think many of you will judge me and think I'm rationalizing in order to justify the affair, but here is my story and my question for you all who have been there before.
I've been married for 19 years. I have 4 children. I have a job that is very stressful and I work 80 hours a week. My husband's job is flexible in it's hours (and pay) and involves writing and travel, ...he is always writing something and never available, when he is at home his mind is on his work. He leaves me to deal with the kids and my own demanding job and is either physically or emotionally unavailable. He has recently been diagnosed with depression and anxiety which explains the years of him sleeping and never helping with the kids, never getting up in the morning to help and always going to bed before any of us, spending the weekends sequestered away or shouting at us, making the kids cry.
5 years ago I had an affair with a man who met my unmet emotional needs. He is a kind person, despite what I've read on other posts which seem to depict the OM as horrible for becoming involved with a married woman, and potentially me as blindsighted for not recognizing that. Any kindness or loving behaviour that my husband could have displayed has been covered up over the years with very severe depression...manifested as anger and hate. Yet I - even as the "bad" spouse who cheated, am filled with resentment about how our life together has been. I now realize it was wrong to have become involved with this other person. I am sorry that I didn't try to address the issues with my husband or leave him first - but I was afraid of him and his violent behaviour and had no self esteme at the time. Now I have created this whole mess.
I feel so guilty for hurting the people involved and I don't know what to do. Sounds trite, I know. I have tried breaking it off with the other man but then my husband leaves for 3-4 months at a time on business and we started being in contact again.
I feel like I haven't been married for a long time, possibly for ever. Even when we first got married he immediately left to live in another country for a few months.
I'm afraid of giving our marriage a chance, I guess, I'm trying to explore this with honesty...I wonder if it's just over. I know my kids do love their dad but they also are of the age where they know that I am not happy and they are mad at him too because they see him as lazy, angry and mean.
My friends and family do not know about the affair...no one does. They think I should leave my husband just because they think he's a lazy bum. I know I should have left him before I got involved with someone else.
For those of you who have done counselling tell me if it helped you to clarify these issues?
Has anyone had a similar situation to mine and could a marriage recover from this?
My Love Bank is depleted....I know this might sound crazy but I don't know if I can ever forgive my husband for his behaviour over the years....even though I'm the one that cheated.