ok, last weekend my wife came clean about her affair w/ a co worker. It all started when they were flirting and she got caught up in his flattry. She told me she really doesn't like this person, but it still happened. She said she ended it becasue she realized what she had at home. me, someone cares about her, knows her thoughts, makes her happy, etc. I do forgive her, but am hurt by this. I know she is telling truth now, becasue her actions back it up, and she is in a better mood(more like herself) and is sleeping.(wasn't sleping during affair).<BR>My question is this, can I ask her questions about affari??<BR>1. If she really didn't like this person, why did she let it happen?<BR>2. What kind of relationship wil she have this person at work? I know they go out to lunch as a group of people, but she said that is far as it will go.<BR>I do trust her and believe her, but at times I dont. Is that normal???<BR>Thanks<BR>

completely normal. I am about 3 months into recovery and still have moments where I wonder.<P>I would talk to her about it. Find a quiet time when you two can talk calmly about it. If you feel that you are going to be really upset excuse yourself or tell her that you need to think about things for a few minutes before you are going to respond. It saved me from some angry outburst when I did that. Ask her any question you want. You might get a satifactory answer, you might not. I would suggest that she get a different job ar ask not not work near or with this person. no contact in a group or otherwise.

lovinghusband,<P>Yes you can...<P>I would recommend that you (both) have a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> (~$95US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A> (888-639-1639)!<P>When you approach her... do so the way it is recommended through "assertive communication techniques"... see...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/002262.html" TARGET=_blank>How to say my feelings without it being a LB</A><BR>Don't ask for a confession...<BR>Keep it loving...<BR>Stop as soon as it irritates her!!!<P>Through MB counseling...<BR>...consider the following... right out of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank> An Affair"(SAA)</A>...<P>Total separation - The right way to end and affair<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to the betrayed spouse. (page 55 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Without total separation, marital recovery is almost impossible. (page 56 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>An affair is a very powerful addiction. (page 56 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>How to tell a lover that the relationship is over letter(on page 58-59 of SAA)<BR>Extraordinary precautions must be taken to guarantee separation...<BR><OL TYPE=1> <BR><LI> Changing jobs and relocating (Situation dependent)<BR><LI> Blocking all communication (phone, e-mail, pager, etc.)<BR><LI> Accounting for time<BR><LI> Accounting for money<BR><LI> Spending leisure time together<BR></OL><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Easy access to a former lover must be avoided at all costs. (page 60 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Take your time...<BR>...PTC...<BR>...do consider MB counseling!<P> <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited September 09, 2000).]