Just found out... - Marriage Builders® Forums

Yesterday I found out that my husband of 24+ years has been calling a female co-worker on his cell phone. The records show he has been calling her nearly every day on his way to work and at various other times. He even called her when we went away for a weekend event in October! I confronted him last night and he insists that he has no "feelings" for this woman. He was just talking with her because she is a single mother with two sons, one of whom is apparently quite a handful, and he was just helping her cope. He said if I wanted him to, he would stop calling her, which, of course, I told him I want him to do. He also says that he would like for us to "have what we used to have" whatever that means. I also don't want to end our marriage. Our daughter is expecting our first grandchild in April and our son & his wife are getting ready to move into their newly built home. To end our marriage now would be devastating. In addition to that, I am a committed Christian and believe that God intends marriage to last a lifetime. I am planning to tell him that I think he needs to look for a new job and also insist that we seek counseling together and attend church together. (I already attend a church, but he quit going to church nearly two years ago). Am I headed in the right direction?

Yes you are. Also read all about Plan A here. Search under Plan A or look for Toomuchcoffeeman or John39's links. Sounds like H is having an EA. Keep posting here and you will get great support.

My h's affair started as a "friendship" to a girl that was having marital problems and problems with her autistic child. When told he felt like the "dear abby" of work, I told him honey watch out and draw a line and I dropped it at that. During the next 5 months I endured personality changes in him, complete change in character, smart comments, going in earlier to work, being told there will be a few long distance calls that that friend of mine, she's having alot of problems. Finally after 5 mths my little voice that kept saying, no he would never do this, finally said girl something is wrong and I confronted. Now this girl is PG, and I have even more to try and deal with.

I say nip it in the bud now. Don't be passive and trust completely. Head off any possible wrong turns NOW.

I will keep you in my prayers.

The link referred to is below, in my signature line. It sounds like it may "only" be an Emotional Affair at this point, but the path to recovery is the same for an emotional or physical affair.

Thanks for the support. I'm still trying to take this all in and I haven't had the energy to talk with him anymore since I confronted him. He did call me on his way home from work yesterday to let me know that he told her no more phone calls.

Planning to do more talking this weekend.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />

Originally posted by dazed & con fused:
He did call me on his way home from work yesterday to let me know that he told her no more phone calls.

Planning to do more talking this weekend.

<hr /></blockquote>Make sure this promise can be verified with facts. Phone records. Do you know all his email accounts? Ask him for his passwords ... and sit together and go over all his computer history.

Tell him this is a trust building exercise.

Also look through all credit card transactions from the past.

Sometimes, for the WS still "in the fog" .... there is a big gap between what they say and what they actually do.

Listen to what he says .... but keep your eyes open for inconsistancies.

Pep

Hello, new Dazed. Old Dazed here, and I have been where you are. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Here's what's good about your situation: Your H has taken your feelings into consideration, which is a HUGE plus. My H had one of these too, five years ago, and to this day he will swear up and down that he never did anything wrong, even though he would sneak out to see this woman and lost a job defending her.

Your H is deluding himself when he says he has no feelings for this woman. If he had no feelings for her, he wouldn't want to help her out.

I think some men like to feel like a knight in shining armor. They don't want their own wives to need help, but when there's another damsel in distress, it makes them feel like big men to come in on their white horse and save the day. And before they even know it, they are smitten with that role, and consequently, with the person who elicits it.

Your H is giving you a clue when he says that "he would like for us to 'have what we used to have' whatever that means." He recognizes that something is missing in the marriage, and I'd bet dollars to donuts he knows what he thinks it is.

I think you'd better listen. I'll bet it has something to do with not feeling like he's important to you anymore because of the children and grandchildren. In the role of knight in shining armor, he feels important.

The good news is that you have a husband who is willing to work with you and communicate with you. Use that. Listen to what he has to say. Recognize the legitimacy of what he wants, and use this opportunity to think about what YOU would like in your marriage.

There are plenty of women who would trade places with you in a minute, because at least you're not getting denials and resentment.

IMHO, you don't have to start with demanding to see credit card statements and monitoring phone calls and such. You may have to take a leap of faith for a while.

But I truly and honestly believe that if you listen to your H and what he wants from your marriage, you have a real opportunity for this thing to be nipped in the bud by simply working on your side of this marriage. I am not just saying this to make you feel better, I truly believe this.