I found out about my h affair in August. We are still riding a very threateneing roller coaster. The ow is some one I know in the small town that we live in and I am having a really hard time with this whole thing. One of the worse is envisioning him with her. I look at his hands and see them all over her. I look at his mouth and see it all over her, not to mention the rest of him. He has lied to me so many times since I found out and confronted him. He says that they never actually had sex but how am I to believe anything that he says? The visions that I have can't be happening to just me.?. How do you deal with a cheating, lying spouse?? How can anyone who has ever been on the recieving end of all of these emotions just "go on"? I feel like I'm sinking and there's nothing that I know is the truth for me to grab ahold of. How do you kiss a mouth, let hands touch you, make love to someone that made a commitment to you that has been with another??

Welcome to MB. Start with Plan A. Read all about it. The WS usually lies about depth of affair and continues to deny. They do it for a couple of reasons - either they want to keep up contact with OP or they are afraid of hurting BS more and losing their marriage. My WH wanted to keep up contact with OW and stay married. He lied about everything, and I found out nothing from him. I got my info from investigating and from OW's H after I let him know what was going on. My H continued to lie and deny and that was finally the straw that broke the camel's back. I am in Plan B now for 2 months and H and OW are living together. But you need to start in Plan A. If you do it for several months, and H breaks contact with OW and starts being truthful, things will get better. If he continues to lie and have contact, then you can go to Plan B. But don't expect the truth right away. That's the mistake I made. Hang in there and keep reading and posting.

Dear To Many, I am exactly in the same boat. I found out about H Affair in August and he too denied having sex with OW. For 4 monthes we have been trying to hang on to a thread, moving forward based on a lie. On friday night he broke down and said he could no longer handle the guilt and confessed all. Of course they had sex. What was I thinking. I too can never again imagine him touching me with his disgusting hands. I however, still love him and for the sake of my 3 boys want to try to save this marriage. He says he lied to prevent me from leaving. He has not seen OW since August and like you she lives in our small community. What I wouldn't do for a chance to hurt her in the same way. But I now that that will do no good. If your husband wants to make things work, lets you and I try to keep our emotions in check and think about what we really want. Do we want to be alone? Do we want to destroy our kids? My husband says he will do what ever is necessary and that we both must realize where we were prior to and leading up to the affair. Perhaps you can do the same and just maybe we will survive. I am in so much pain I can't begin to explain. But you know - so lets hang in together.
kimmca

The nightmares, the visions, the thoughts of him being with my spouse at places that we also were together - that all will happen less frequently with time. Mostly, I try to avoid all of the places they were together, but that is very difficult. (He was a close friend, our families were close, and we shared hobbies and vacations together.) So some places I can't avoid, but have tried instead to make new memories of us together there, that displace the associations of wife and OM at those places.

Even with time, your hatred and resentment of the OP will reside. My wife's affair went on for almost three years. Now, two years after D-day, I have a lot of "dislike" for him, but not an extraordinary amount. My wife continues to have no contact with him.

Also, about two days after D-day, we had a long talk in a park, just the two of us, uniterrupted by anything else. I had given her a list of questions that I wanted to know the answers. All about the affair. It stopped at the detail of the sex - nothing beyond frequency and where - as I really didn't want to know more than that, nor did she want to talk about that. But she had the opportunity to completely clear the slate. And she did. After that evening, we tried very hard not to talk about any of the affair. And essentially haven't. Everything since has been about us, not the mistake she made, nor the mistake I made in driving our relationship to the point of turning her to him.

Don't dwell on the past. Learn what you need to know as quickly as possible, then take protective measures and move forward. No contact and assurances that is happening are utmost importance. But then focus on the two of you, not the two of them.

P

This may or may not help you, but it's made it a bit easier for me.

I know my wife didn't come into our marriage as a "virgin". Heck, her 11 & 4 year old daughters were in our wedding! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

So, as far as those images go, I just try to throw them in that heap. I know she's been with other men. I know I've been with other women. I never get freaked out thinking about her being intimate with her 1st husband, so why should I get any more freaked out about this guy?

Sure, that doesn't get rid of the pain of the betrayal and lies, but it has helped me to put those images in a less damaging place in my mind. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I think you always will have images, but as others have said they lessen in severity with time. I still have them 3+ years post d-day.
I think that you really hit the nail on the head...you need the truth. I know of everything they did, and yes it hurt like h#!! to hear some of the answers but I needed to know what was still "mine".
I guess the difference in knowing the truth is that you can deal with it...I think it is very hard to deal with the unknown. Knowing what was done, the way it was done, has helped me alot.

NGU