I have recently found out that my husband of 4 yesrs is having an internet affair. They have never met, but he talks to her all the time and they have even had phone sex. At first he lied and made me feel bad when he confronted me. But now he is open about it. He says he loves me and he doesn't see this as cheating. He sees the woman as a friend and the phone sex is a way for him to let loose some tension and relax. I don't know what to do. He is on the computer all the time and if he is not on the computer he is on the phone with her. He says he loves me and doesn't want to leave me. Recently he said that I should leave him cause all he does is hurt me. But he did tell me he doesn't want me to leave, he just doesn't want me to hurt. However, he also doesn't want to stop what he is doing. I love my husband very much and I know part of this stems from him being out of work and being depressed. I don't know what to do. I love him very much and want to see our marriage work cause I can't picture a life without him. This whole thing has left me shattered, hurt, and confused. What should I do without pushing him away from me?
It has be pointed out to me that I have an error in my post. I confronted him about the affair. He did not confront me about anything. Sorry for the confusion.
Dear Starshattered,
You might try getting a copy of the book
Not Just Friends by the late Shirley Glass. Obviously, the first step here is to get your H to see that he is indeed participating in an affair!
I'm so sorry...this must be so painful for you. That book addresses the issue of people thinking they are just friends when in fact they are having an affair.
http://www.shirleyglass.com/bookmain.htmStillwed
Welcome to MB. It is a great place to be, considering the circumstances. Read all about Plan A here. You can find links in this forum, under the thread, General Welcome to All New Builders.
My H also had an internet affair,it started out the same just chatting then phone calls and then he flew to her state to meet her and his EA turned to a PA.
My advise get him off the computer.I know it will be hard believe me I know I have been where you are now.
You must some how get thru to him that what he is doing is hurting you.Set aside time for you two to spend together and set boundries when it comes to computer use.
Best of luck to you I know this is the hardest thing you will ever face in life.
I have checked out Plan A and it seems to be what I am doing, but how long should I be the supportive spouse? My one friend who knows what is going on says I am a saint. It is very hard to be a saint. We have been spending more time together away from home so the computer is not tempting him. When we are out it seems like nothing is wrong. But whenever we are home he is constantly checking the computer. Then after I go to bed he spends hours either on the pc or the phone. Though I have to admit he is coming to bed earlier. ....It is just so hard. Part of me wants to tell this woman off or contact her husband to see if he knows about this too, but I know if I do that then my marriage is as good as gone. The worst part is I have actually talked to this woman and joked with her almost like a friend before I saw an IM message that sent my world spinning out of control. He is getting back to work so hopefully things will be better now.
If this woman is married I think you should contact her H.He has a right to know what his wife is doing.
I use to worry that if I told anyone about my H A he would leave or be angry or who knows what but I finally started to tell people and all it has shown my H is that I am stronger than he thought.
Do not fear that he will leave you or be mad,sure he will be mad you will be putting a stop to his fun but so what!!! If he is going to leave because you talked to OW or exposed this to her H let him go,I bet you any amount of money he will be back.
He went back to work today...first time in 5 months. He left because of medical reasons. Once he was gone I couldn't resist checking up on him. I went through his IM archives and saw that yesterday they were telling each other they loved each other and that once I went to work they would be able to talk "hint...hint". I in a bad situation right now. We just moved in with my father-in-law about 2000 miles from the state we lived in before (where all my family is ). I have no friends down here. However, I have a job I love. I want to see my mother and tell her what is going on. but I also don't want to lose this job I love. I think the only thing I can do is leave him to make him see. I am just afraid that if I do that is the end. I have also been sick the last two days...don't know if it is nervers or what...but my period won't be for a couple of days. Part of hopes I am preg, part of me hopes not because of the situation. Even after all this I still love him, I am just beginning to think he doesn't love me back no matter what he tells me to the contrary. Back when I first found out he was in a pretty bad depression, he told me the only thing keeping him from killing himself was me. I am just afraid if I leave he will do something crazy.
I am so confused and hurt.
I understand all your feelings and fears.I have been married a very long time and know that fear that they will leave.
Keep focused on the fact that the affair is a fantasy it is not real.With her he has no problems,no bills,no fights everything is wonderful.But put them together in real life and the fantasy is over and there would only be more problems.
Do you know if she is married??
If she is contact her H and let him know everything.He may be the one to put a stop to it.
In my situation her H found out before me and the first thing he did was try and contact me.My H got so nervous that I would find out from her H so he broke down and told me.I feared he would leave me for her but guess what,17m later,lots of fights,lots of tears and lots of pain he is still here and it is me thinking I may not stay.
Take a deep breathe,call your mom for her support come here to MB I will keep checking in on you for support and then think of what will be your next step in exposing and ending his A.
I called my mother right after my last post. I felt a lot better. I have a new respect for her. She told me my father has done this to her twice in the past and he always came back on his own. Growing up I thought my mother was unbalanced. Now I know she was just trying to cope with my dad's infidelity. I was so happy yesterday...but when we got home last night and I went to bed while he was on the computer I sat in the room and cried. I don't know how strong I can be. I feel like I should tell him to make a decision: me or her. He has told me that he will not leave me. He has said if it wasn't her then it would be somebody else. When I first found out, they were fighting and stopped talking to each other. He moved on to another girl. I kinda had a hand in breaking that off...made him see what a liar and looney toon she was. Now he is back with the first woman. I have to admit I prefer the first over the second. The second was pulling one of those tricks to make my husband distrust me. That was her mistake. He knows me better than that. Just thought I knew him better. Never thought he would do this to me. I am trying to be stong and wait it out. I asked him why he loved me and he said cause I am his best friend. What am I? Friends with benefits? There are times I hate him and just want to sceam...but I still love him. I feel like there is something wrong with me for still loving him. I just wish I could tell if he still loves me. Shouldn't I be the one he thinks about? Shouldn't I be the one he wants to spend time with? How long am I suppose to wait with this Plan A stuff? I can feel myself slipping back into my depression...which I finally got out of until this. I think I will have to see a counselor or something. Right now I am taking it all one day at a time, just wish I was awake from this nightmare to enjoy those days.
That is the first step talking w/your mom.
I just told my daughter about her dads A,and she said that it explains alot of my behavoir over the last 17m.It helps that I can now be honest w/her.You now can turn to your mom for support on those really hard days.
I do not feel like you have to be a door mat while he does what ever he wants.Remember part of plan A is to help end the A and that means no contact on his part.It maybe to soon to do a plan B for you but it maybe something to think about.Let your H know that you love him more than anything but you will not live in the same house as long as he is still involved w/OW.
I still think you need to let her H know,or say something to her let her know you will not tolerate this in your home.
I think the worst thing about internet A's is you feel like your H is cheating right in your own home.I think about that alot,while I was in bed sleeping he was chatting with her saying all kinds of words of love to her right in the next room.
You do not have to be strong all the time.It is ok to cry,this hurts.Just know you are not alone so many others have gone thru this to.Imagine my pain after 25yrs of marriage to hear that my H found someone else and did not know if he wanted to be with me any more.I had given him 25yrs she had given him just months of chit chat over the internet.
The end result,he is still here,she is still with her H.
I hope that something I said will help you.
ginger-
I realized i have no way to contact OW H. I don't know his email and the phone number i have is her work number and cell phone. I tried doing an internet search,but no record could be found. I try not to be a doormat to H...I don't want to upset him. He came home for lunch and things seemed good. I think we need to have another talk, but I am unsure how to go about it cause I don't want it to turn into a Love Buster. His depression was very intense...he is an active person who has been told his life must be different cause of knee surgury. He has changed his job, he can't play sports. I understand that on the net he feels whole, but he doesn't understand that I love him no matter what. I think he feels threatened by me cause I have been the bread winner lately. During one depression moment last month he called himself a useless deadbeat. We have tried to convince him to get therapy and he finally agreed, but insurance is maxed with the old job he is on leave from. The new job insurance won't start till next month. We are declaring bankruptacy so money is very tight. I have tried to convince him that we will be fine we can afford him getting meds and counseling...friends and family have offered to help pay. I think these offers just make him feel worse. Part of me thinks if he deals with the depression then things will go back to normal. Though with the new job ...if he tries to keep things the same way with the OW and chat all night he wil become burnt out. I have a feeling he is realizing this. We will see how things go. In the meantime I think I will end up calling my mom everyday <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Thanks for the advice.
It seems when one bad thing happens it starts a ripple effect of bad things.
I can understand all that you wrote about your H situation right now.It is so hard for a man to go thru major life changes,women seem to adapt easier.
Have you gotten any of the books recomended on this site yet??
Maybe this would help also.
I will be here for encouragment and support if you want,I still struggle daily with all of this.
Right now for me it is the forgivness issue.I fear if I totally forgive and never bring any of this up again he will think he got away with it and try it again.We do not seem to get to far when we talk sometimes we email each other and that seems to be easier for him.
Maybe you could try this.Send your H an email with all your fears and feelings in it.This way he can read it and process it with out fear of your reaction to him.
If you have any info on OW like hometown,first and last name,age,anything else like that you could always email me the info and I might be able to help you locate her H.
It took me 11m but with the help of others on this site I was able to track down OWH and I emailed him.We talked on the phone and I found out that he had been trying to find me since the day he found out.He was very happy to talk to me.I told him everything that I knew and it was a whole lot more than he knew.She had lied to him alot so he was grateful to get the truth.
Call your mom I know she wont mind helping you thru this she sounds like a very strong woman.
We had a talk last night and I told him some of my fears. It upset him cause he says I don't see that he does love me. He told me he hasn't even been on the phone with the OW when I thought that is what he was doing. checked the caller ID and realized this is true he was talking to an old friend of his. But based on past history it just sent thought spinning in all directions. This is what I told him. He was upset that I was depressed and crying everyday. Things seem okay now. He is not upset with me for doubting him. ....I think he might be addicted to the computer and that is what is at the root of this. I have a book from the library called "caught in the net". I haven't read it yet, it is at work, because I don't want him to see it. I work in a library so I have checked out the books we have which included the MB books, that is how I found this website. However, I don't want all of my co-workeres to know what is going on yet. So I haven't requested the other books cause they are not our holdings. I know it is childish...but people see me as having the perfect marriage. I thought we did, until this. We didn't fight, yeah money was tight, but we loved each other and did stuff together. We took care of each other. I know it sounds boring and we are trying to work on that. We shot 9-ball(pool) almost every week. That is fun. I keep telling myself things will get better now that he is back at work and making money. When our money is back on level we will see about anti-depressents or therapy. I just keep telling myself that the EA will fizzel out. His talking to other people instead of her seems to be a first step. Things will be fine and I can make it through this.
If he is willing to help then yes you will make it thru.
It is ok that you dont want the world to know yet.I just recently started to tell people and dday for me was 17m ago.
Reading helped me alot along with this site,what has slowed us down is my H's lack of trying to change things.Things that cause the A must change.If you can get your H to understand this then you have won half the battle.
Sure he will bet upset with you when you talk about these issues or you cry but try and make him understand that your world has just fallen apart because of all of this and you need HIM to help put it back together.
You sound strong.I think I was alot stronger when I was younger.I even told H this,why did he wait until I was in my 40's to do this why not when I was younger and there were alot more opportunities for me.
Take care I will check in with you later.
Remember if you want help to locate her H just let me know and I will see what I can do to help you.
well saw another "i love you" on the computer again. I don't know what to do. If I confront him then he will be angry that I went through his game files. I don't feel up to another arguement. I just want my husbands love and affection reserved for me...is that too much to ask for?
He has been staying off more now that he is back at work, but the time he is on is when I am in bed. I can't remember the last time we went to bed at the same time. When I saw that to him, he says "don't start" and ends up staying later cause he is the type that will do the opposite of what you want if you push him.
I hate the OW. I hate her. They are more than friends and I know they are both to blame, but I blame her more.
I am so sorry.
I know your pain,it took me a very long time to feel anger toward the OW but I do now.She knew the pain of an A but did not care about me.She did not care if she hurt another woman the way she was hurt.I feel that she is a very selfish person because of this,she is the cause of my pain and for that I do feel hate toward her.
My H also met her on a game site so I know just how you feel.I would be in bed and he would be on the computer.Now when this happens it triggers me.
You seem to worry so much about him and how he is feeling,but does he do the same for you??
NO if he did he would stop talking w/her.I know you are to tired to fight but remember you are fighting for your M and your H.Dont let her win.Your H may get mad but he will get over it to.
Please do not turn into his door mat.He must take some responsibility for this.If he is allowed to continue in this behavior why should he stop.Find a way to let him know how upset you are without making him to angry if this is possible.
Have you tried the idea I gave you about emailing him?? This really seemed to work for me in the beginning I really encourage you to try this.
Take care.
I feel like I am in the twilight zone. I talked to the OW on the phone last night. She tried to reasure me they are friends and nothing more. Well if they are friends then why does the phone sex go on? I don't know if I hate her or what anymore. She has offered to have me talk to her on IM and yell at her anytime I want. She does admit there were moments in the past, but that they decided not to go there. She says they are firneds and will never go beyond that. I don't know what to believe anymore.
How did it come about that you talked to her on the phone??
Ok she says you can IM her and yell at her why??
I would not trust her,if she was not willing to completly stop any contact w/your H then it sounds like she is trying to snowball you.
Maybe she thinks if she can make you trust her than you will close your eyes to what is going on.
Does your H know that you two talked??
How does he feel about this??
Does she live close to you and your H??
How are you doing now?? Feeling any better??
I know lots of questions hope I did not over load you.
my husband was actually the one who handed me the phone. I have been telling him that I want to speak to her for weeks, but he has felt too uneasy about it. She tells me thay are just really good friends and that she knows I don't like her very much right now. That is why she said I could IM her. Anytime I feel like cursing her out to go right ahead cause there were moments in the past that they did have feelings for each other, but right now they are at the point where they are just really good friends. I have emailed her telling her how I feel about the relationship. She hasn't emaiuled me back yet. I asked her flat out about the phone sex and she said it doesn't mean anything. It is just something fun for them to relax. She has no intention of ever leaving her husband. I asked her about the "i love you"s and she said she does love him, but only as a friend. I am beinning to think that maybe the majority of this might be on my H's side. She might truly see it as friendship and so might he, but I think it might be more on his side. I don't know what to do. Since we talked my H is more relaxed around me, he even came to bed realitively early without my saying anything. The OW does live in our state, but she is like a 10 hour drive south and accross. I am not worried about them meeting. Part of me feels like my husband doesn't want me sexually cause he is having phone sex with the OW. I know he loves me, but how can I be sure that he wants me too. I am his wife, not just his best friend. AHHH, I am just so confused. My mother says I should get on anti-depressants. I can't wait for the insurance with my H's new job to kick in. I think I am going to buy a HPT today and see what the results are(I am 4 days late). I am just a little scared to know for sure. But I would very much like to tell my husband that I am. He will either be extremly happy or he will be stressed out cause we have no money. I will keep you updated, but don't be surprised if I chicken out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Read the book "Not Just Friends". It will be a REAL EYE OPENER! There is no such thing as "just friends" between a man and woman who have phone sex and tell each other I love you, in secret. How stupid does she think you are?
God, I just re-read my last post and did I go off on a tangent or what? Well I didn't chicken out on the test, but it came up negative. So I guess I will just have to wait and see. Thanks everyone for the advice.
Right now your H has the best of 2 worlds.He has a woman that tells him all he wants to hear,and he has a wife that is showing him how much she loves him and is willing to wait it out.
I can remember right after dday my H telling me to understand how he had to help the OW thru her pain of them ending the A.OMG what about me he has not been willing at all to help me he thinks that I need to just "Be over it".
Sure she may say they are friends but again I ask you does her H know of this friendship and how does he feel about his W having phone sex with OM??
I do believe that men and women can be friends but there is a fine line that must never be crossed and if you feel you can not obey these boundries it is time to end the friendship.The line has been crossed with these two and therefore they must end the friendship or it will turn into something more.
Do you and your H want to have a baby?? Do you think that would change things in your M for the good??
Sometimes when things are not going all that well the arrival of a new baby can make things worse,but sometimes it is just what you need to bring you close again.
I do feel for you and your pain of this,it is so very hard.Keep posting I know it helps it always did me,this site was my lifesaver for so long.
Hi Star
I know what your going through.My H been chatting with several women over the past 2 years and he did fly to OH to meet OW #2.I know it's heartbreaking to watch and extremely frustrating not knowing what he's telling her and what they are talking about and I'm sure your doing everything to make his world with you perfect because you hope he'll turn his head.I'm still liveing with the problem.The problem is my H not the internet,it's the choices my H has made.Somedays I just want to rip his computer apart,he doesn't let me or the children use it,he secures it when he leaves.What ever you do please stay in control of yourself as hurtful as it can be.My H sits and chats and plays love songs.I'm used to it now.I refuse to let him distroy me as a person.Like you I have no control of the choices my H has/is making and it's only going to torment you until you get some control and make choices for yourself.My H is leaving June 18 to go on a road trip and he'll be gone for 2-3 weeks.I know he's made arrangements to meet the OW#3.I haven't confrunted him with it because all he'll do is say "not this again" and "no I'm not having an affair".So why get into it when I'm going to hear all the same lines I've heard in the past.I would lay in bed at night and he'd be drinking and playing his music and chatting to OW until late then he'd come to bed and pick an argument with me, or give me dirty looks.I don't understand it either star but you have to think of your self and what you want for yourself.I know this is now what you want to hear and believe me if I could snap my fingers and make the pain go away this site wouldn't exsist.I have to go now but keep in touch.Stay strong and don't think about or compete against the OW.Desparation may take over and you may say or do something you'll regret later.I'm so sorry, I feel like crying for the both of us
Star...take a look at the thread "How can I help him to get offline?" In the "In recovery " section. People have posted some great ideas including a book to use instead of meds to help you out of depression (I have it on order). having been an internet chat addict and now a victim of my husbands addiction I understand u. Please hang in there.
eloquent
I sure hate to read all that you just wrote.I am so sorry for your pain.
When my H was having his internet A he did the exact same thing,sit in the back room with love music going drinking and chatting with OW.
Everytime I hear those songs today it sends me back to that time.
Are you doing anything to stop him from doing this??
eloquent...
it sounds like our H's are speaking the
same language. When I try to talk to him he
will say stuff like "don't start", "not
this again", or "I am not cheating".
He tells me they are just friends. She tells me the same thing. My repsonse is that when emotions and sexual tension combine it is more then friendship. I find it very hard to hate people, but I do hate the OW. I know she is not totally to blame for what is going on, but she does contribute. I have talked to her and i find myself liking her a bit. I wonder if we became friends if she would still have phone sex with my H. I think I will ask her that next time I speak to her. That should make her feel awkward.
Yes I am still hashing things out with the OW on the computer. I think it helps me that all those frustrations from the last two months are being directed at the OW directly. There are even things I like about her and if it wasn't for all this I think we might even have been friends. I think that is what contributed to the A. I liked the OW at first, before I found out my husband had feelings for her. I didn't mind that he had a friend who was a woman.
I will continue with Plan A and be the best friend and perfect wife with no complaint. I feel like slapping him sometimes and saying "hey I am right here. An actual person you can touch." Sometimes I think the best thing I can do is to leave him, but then he will do something that makes me feel like nothing is wrong and why would I want to leave such a great guy?
Ginger- I am not pregs, its a definite now. We talked about it and agree that right now would be a bad time since we can't afford kids.(and have no insurance for a bit. But if it does happen, then it happens. But no it is not something we are planning.
I think what we need is a vaction with just the two of us and no computer. That way we can recapture us. Unfortunatly, a vacation is gonna have to wait until after the bankruptacy and the bills are back on track. We can barely afford McDonalds right now let alone a hotel.
I know its coming...with so much bad stuff that has happened something good has to happen soon. Keep your fingers crossed. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Star
I am a romantic at heart and there are lots of things you can do without it costing alot of money.Take a walk hand in hand,go on a picnic,rent a movie and curl up on the sofa with popcorn,how about a candle light dinner on the living room floor <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
Wow that is easier to write than to do LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
I know that in the middle of this mess to add extra burdens such as finacial ones really does not make the situation easier.10m after dday my H's union went on strike it happened right before my bday,the year before he was involved with the OW and forgot my bday so this past yr to have the strike going on really did not help.The strike lasted for 5m and believe me during that time things were so very hard.
Things are still hard for me because of the way my H has handled all of this but I made a choice NOT to be his door mat and I let him know this.You can do a great plan A but please do not become his door mat.
I really fear by some of your post that you may end up doing this,what he is doing is wrong and he must stop it now if he wants your M to work.
Keep posting I know in the early days for me this site is what helped me make it thru each day.
Take care.
Don't get me wrong, things are better between us. Money is extremly tight right now. Since my last post my H has quit the new job and is going back to the one he is on medical leave from. That is no prob for me. He was concerned I would be mad at him for quiting. He left me tons of phone and email messages at work before finally calling me at my job. He had a back up plan. He made sure he could go back to the old job first and he spoke to his doctor about upping his allowed hours he can work. At the end of the month he will be back at full work duty.
He got his first paycheck too. It was so nice to see that money. Then I got a call from his dad's boss asking me to give my father-in-law the message to call her, she would really like him to give her two weeks to find someone else. Turns out he quit his job yesterday. He plans to go on disability, but that won't kick in for another 5 months after he files. He does get a check from the navy every month, so we are not completely without his income. What gets me about all this was we moved in with him so we could get our finances back on track. We weren't suppose to pay rent. We were just suppose to concentrate on the bills. Now we are at the point where we are scraping to get the bankruptacy lawyer money so we can file the papers so we have a court date and floating his dad money to pay the mortgage, power, phone, food, and etc. Nice how this all worked out, huh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
The good news is that my father retires within the year and they are talking about moving down here. It will be great to have someone here I can talk to. As much as I wouldn't have expected it, my mother and I have become closer since we moved. I think we have resolved our past mother/daughter issues.---Could I have inadvertainly down a Plan B with my mother? LOL.
I know about all those cheap things we can do to be romantic. We do them. I just really want to get away and relax. I want to go on a cruise. I want sandy white beaches. Its no fair that the little seven year olds I tutor tell me about the cruises they have gone on with their parents. My husband knows how bad I want to get away. I think he feels bad about it. I had it all figured out how we could afford it. I had a savings plan in my head. Now, however, we are back to square one. I can understand my father-in-law's reasons for quiting. I just wish he had waited a little longer.
In the meantime I will continue to post and dream of pina coladas on the beaches. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
<small>[ May 29, 2004, 08:49 AM: Message edited by: starshattered ]</small>
First let me say that there is a strange thing with mothers and daughters they seem to clash when the daughter is in her teens but when she becomes a married woman you now have things in common and you begin to bond,if you think your relationship is close now wait until you have a baby.My oldest daughter and I did not have a great relationship during her teen yrs but now we are best of friends and it is so much fun.
I understand about getting away,and you will.I feel at times I have lived my whole life waiting until we could afford to live.You see we were married when we were just 16 and 17yrs old and life has been a struggle.We have had so much stuff thrown our way that anything any one writes about money just does not shock me.
Try and be patient in this area even tho it is hard.I know money is tight but how about doing an over night trip to a motel.What difference will it make?? If you and your H are happy together it will make these hard times easier for you.
I heard a finacial councler speak one time and he said it is important to do something for your self during tough times to make it thru,I never understood that I thought how if you cant pay your bills?? Well I am not suggesting that you dont pay your bills but if 100$ will not solve all your finacial problems then it wont make a difference if you spend it on you and your H.It may save your marriage.
You do sound stronger and this is good.
Is your H happier now that he is going back to his old job??
Is he still chatting w/OW or has that slowed down also??
Take care have a nice weekend talk to you soon.
Ginger-
My husband left the new job mainly cause it was bringing him down(it involved sales and rejection 70% of the time). He was making him self sick thinking about going in to work. He is happy about going back to his old job, the best part being they will start to pay the medical bills again.
Here is the weird thing about the OW. I just got an RPG game that I love. I don't usually like computer games, but this one seemed interesting to me. My husband tried it and loves it just as much. The OW also plays the game, but when she is on is the same time I am on. Therefore, he is not really alone with her. Her H is also going to start playing. I don't know if he will play on the same server as we do. He has friends on another server of the game.
I think I prob talk to her just as much as he does. Though I admit when he is not around I don't always say the most complemetary things to her. And I find my character out of range a lot when she needs help. Hmmmm...wonder why? Is that awful of me?
My H was really concerned about the OW playing the game. This is how I ended up speaking to her. She wanted to make sure that I would be okay with it. I think this is the best arrangement cause I know what is going on. He has been coming to bed relatively early and has been attentive. There are still nights however...
As far as going away...I have a friend who can get us a suite comp'd at the hotel she works at, but my husband wanted to save up some money to spend on food and going out. Then we needed to figure out when we could go. It will have to be pushed back indefinitly.
He plays in a pool league that is 1st is their district. They have states in two weeks and if they win the team goes to the nationals in vegas. If this happens I get to go with him. That will be my vacation. This will only be a weekend. Which will be great, but not really the kind of vacation I was thinking about.
My mother, father, and sister will also be coming to visit in August. This kinda means that every weekend I have off is already booked. And he can't request off anymore cause of the pool team. I am not complaining about this. I thank God for the pool team. I think that is one of the few things that kept him sane when he was out of work, knowing he could play a game or two a week.
Who knows, if they end up going to Vegas I might hit it big on a slot machine and we can tell the lawyer to take a hike. Then I can buy a beach in the sun to drink pina coladas on.
Do you mind me asking where you live??
I do not live far from Vegas and H and I went there a few months ago and we had a good time.
There is a lot to do there that is free.Lots of shows and you can sit in the different bars and listen to music and dance.
It does sound like things are getting better the only thing is to remember she is the OW and NOT your friend.
I talked to OW several times and like you we got along,I found myself liking her.When I talked to her I forget she is the one my H slept with.She on the other hand said that it is hard for her to talk to me because of what she did.
I did finally after about a yr or so began to have bad feelings about her.I hate to say that I hate her but I hate what she did to me.I had to tell myself that she did not care about me or she would not have done what she did.Please use caution when you talk with her.
You are young and to put things off probably does not seem like a big deal,let me tell you this.Try and do what you can today,you do not know what tomorrow will bring and you dont want to say "If only I had done this or that".
I am in my 40's and think now "How I wish I would have done this when I was in my 20's or 30's" something always came up.
The one thing that bothers me most right now about my H is him not taking advantage of every minute that we have together.After dday we promised that we would spend each day like it was our last,I still want that but with him it only lasted for a few months.I get angry at the time he waste that we could have been doing things together.
Stay strong.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by starshattered:
<strong> I don't know how strong I can be. I feel like I should tell him to make a decision: me or her. He has told me that he will not leave me. He has said if it wasn't her then it would be somebody else. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The last statement is the most telling. You are dealing with two issues: he has an internet addiction and needs to break it, just like any other addiction it is not a healthy thing. And it is very hard to break free. And like any addict, until he comes to see it's causing real problems in his life, he will be angry and resistant to any suggestion he ease off it.
The second issue is the root of the addiction - he is getting no-strings attached affection and admiration from his internet partners. It is heady stuff, all the good with none of the difficulties of a "real" relationship. The fact that he has said he is not willing to give it up, and would just substitute one partner for another screams his problem loud and clear.
What you do kind of depends on the kind of life you want. In my relationship, it took the third full blown internet affair for me to draw my line in the sand and say I would not live in that style of relationship any longer. He had read Caught In The Net, recognized he had a problem, but really had no reason to give up the addiction. When it came down to the choice of the addiction or our relationship, he chose our relationship.
It hasn't been easy - probably harder for him than me. I have had to learn to meet the needs he was getting met by the internet women, behaviors that weren't easy for me. But he gave up his addiction, and had to make some big changes in how he saw life.
You can fix your marriage, but honestly, I don't see you headed in that direction. I see you wanting so desperately to bury the problem rather than resolving it. Going on vacation isn't going to help anything. I had terrific vacations and incredible sex during my H's four years of internet affairs. He has to see a problem and want to change it. And he doesn't see there's a problem.
****Ginger- here is the ironic part of where we live...the family vacation capital of America. One hour outside of Disney World. Florida. We use to live in Jersey. My husband can't stand tourists cause he grew up on the Jersey shore and had to put up with the rich new yorkers who would take over the town every summer. Because of this we hardly ever went to new york or the beach. Even now he doesn't want to go to Universal or Disney because of the crowds on the weekends.
I know a vaction is not going to solve any problems. I just want to be able to relax and not worry about anything. It seems like I have spent my whole life worrying about something.
I came to a weird realization the other night and it had me thinking about that whole Nature vs. Nurture argument. Here is the chain of events for my family:
1. Great-grandfather in love with his brother's wife. Great-grandmom won't divorce him. They carried on the affair until GGM dies and then they got married.
2. Grandfather had mistress. Mom's highschool guidance counselor. Grandparents divorce and Grandfather "adopts" a 20 year old woman who has a kid named after him. Hmmm....
3. Father in love with co-worker and then my best friend's mother. He ended the affairs on own and still with mother.
4. Husband having phone sex with internet women for past two years. In love with internet friend three months ago. "Just friends now." Getting better.
Can you see a trend? And this is just my maternal side of the family. I don't know that anything like this has happened on my dad's side. I know it sounds far out there, but it makes me wonder if the women in my family are just predestined to heart break. Or is it something in us that makes us choose men who will emotionaly hurt us? Have I been preconditioned from my mother somehow?
Before anyone flames me saying how silly this all is, I know. It is just weird that there is this pattern. My sister is having trouble with her relationships as well. But she is still a teen so that is all normal.
Sorry I am ill today with a head cold and just ranting a bit. I know the OW is not my friend and unlikely ever to be one, but I just love the fact that her H has been playing the game with us. When I am not on he is. It has put a damper on anything that may be going on. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
<small>[ June 01, 2004, 12:47 PM: Message edited by: starshattered ]</small>
You know the old saying "You marry someone just like your dad" Well think about it,if it is true then what you just said makes perfect sense.
Here is the thing,the cycle must be broken or it will continue for generations.
My H has a family history of cheating also,as for my side of the family,my dad never cheated as far as I know but he was the BIGGEST flirt I have ever known.He did this in front of us kids,in front of my mother only making her self esteem issues that much more.
Wow everyone I chat w/on this form seems to be from across the country LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
No a vacation wont solve your problems but the truth is we all need one theres nothing wrong with that but like the last poster wrote,make sure you are not trying to push under the rug the real issues in your M.This is what my H wants to do and I am fighting him on it,I want to resolve the problems so another A does not happen problem is I am almost out of fight and dont really know what will happen.
Hope you feel better soon. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
My H and OW had a fight last night. Hmm...been down this road before. Last time they had a fight they stoped speaking to each other for a month. The OW contacted him first at the end of their brief departure from each other. That is when this whole "friends" thing started.
I think the phone sex might have stoped. OW's H has been playing the game just as late as they have. Also since my father-in-law is no longer working he is up at almost all hours. He use to work from 1am-7am. There is no oppertunity for my H to carry on like he did. This may be part of the tension between the two.
When my husband came to bed I asked him what was going on. He said they had a disagreement that ended with them agreeing to disagree. He apologized for being on the phone so late. Since he knows I am not feelign good he held me all night after that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Maybe this time if they stop speaking to each other, they will keep it that way. Last time he called the OW selfish and self centered. Maybe he is finally realizing she hasn't changed much.
Ok this maybe good.I still think they need to have NO contact at all.This would be the best for all of you.
You seem to be doing a good job of plan A however have you made it clear to him that you wish for NC between them.I do not think his friendship w/this woman can be healthy for your relationship.
I am glad he held you all night,I'm sure that is just what you needed.
Just wondering about you,have not seen you in days everything ok??
ginger-
i haven't had a chance to log on lately. Usually I do it at work, but i have been off.
I wrote a nasty letter to the OW telling her to stop the phone sex. We are currently hashing things out.
SHe still insists that they are just friends.
I don't know what to do. My H has been attentive this weekend. But I still feel lost.
Am I strong for staying with him and trying to keep our marriage together or am I weak for not leaving him?
My H doesn't know about the letter. If he did he would flip and I could prob say goodbye to my marriage.
She says she will stop the phone sex if she can tell him why. That I asked her to. But if she does that then he will know I have been talking to her. It is funny. He has this whole big thing about people betraying his trust, but hasn't he betrayed mine?
You did the right thing by sending the letter.
You are not weak for wanting to save your M.
She is weak for doing what she is doing.
Do not give your H so much credit,I thought if I did anything that would rock the boat mine would be gone,he use to tell me if I did this or that I would push him back into her arms but guess what he is still here.
Keep posting,not sure that I help but it is nice to know your not alone
Talking is prob the only thing keeping me sane right now.
I think things are getting better, but then again I have been wrong before.
He has been attentive towards me and caring. He lost his first tournament in pool this weekend so has been bummed. However, the big one is this saturday.
I feel really bad about the letter. I hate hurting people. I think that is why i was so naive about what was going on. I try to think the best of people and it is very hard for me to dislike someone.
But I think I also got her thinking. She says she understands where I am coming from. She just doesn't want to lose my husband's friendship.
We will see how everything goes.
He has been on the computer a lot this weekend , but ht eweather has been bad and I know he wants to go fishing. He was setting up lures to go shark fishing the other day. And he is working again making money. He averages about $10 a shift right now and that is on limited duty.
My father-in-law has also started to do actual work aroun dthe house. He has all this time and energy now that he is out of work. (Now if I can only get my H to do the dishes or something helpful).
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
<small>[ June 07, 2004, 07:41 PM: Message edited by: starshattered ]</small>
Hi Star
I still think you did the right thing by sending the letter.The OW needs to know that you WILL not just go away,that you love your H and will fight for your M.
Your H also needs to understand that there are boundries in friendship,especially a male/female friendship and I do not think phone sex is with in the boundries.
Him showing more attention to you is a good sign,be there when he needs you to encourage him even if it is over him being bummed about the lose of a game.
There is one thing I try and point out to my H and that is there should be NOTHING in life more important than his family(except God of course)and you deservese to be first on his list,just as I do.
My H puts many things before me and that is why I tend to pull away from him.I get tired of putting into the relationship and getting nothing back.
Hang in there girl sounds like you are doing pretty good.
Take care.
I feel like I am on a slippery slope that no matter how hard i try to reach the top, I keep sliding downward.
Last night my H and I has a disagreement. He was being paranoid and moody. I responded by being moody back to him. Just natural reaction to his surliness.
I am really hoping he is in a better mood when he gets home from work.
Well he was in a somewhat better mood when he got home, but his knee was really bothering him and he was stressing about the pool tournament today (I am meeting him there when my shift at work ends).
He asked me to go to bed early again cause he needed some alone time. He is really stressed right now. Is it wrong for him to ask this of me? Personally I feel that as his wife he should want to spend time with me. He feels that even when i am at work he is not aloen cause his father is still home and he never goes anywhere.
Added to the stress of his dad "hovering", he wants us to cover his bills for the month and we are barely scraping by. We were hoping to get the lawyer paid this month cause one of the creditors is almost ready to take us to court. But now his dad needs that money to pay the mortgage.
This has me pissed off. We came here to get out of our financial rutt and now it is even worse. he is dragging his feet about the disability. He needs to pick up the phone and make this appointment with them that he keeps talking about. I really feel like i am the only responsible one. Is it fair that I work 2 jobs? I know my H has limited hours until he gets cleared by the doctor, but couldn't they help me out? Help each other out? They barely talk to each other and it stems back to when my H had his emotional breakdown right after I found out about the A.
My H went away to visit a mutual friend and his dad felt he was running away from his problems. I think the trip was good for him cause he was able to relax and enjoy things again.
I have talked to the OW and she is being pretty honest with me about things. More than my H. She has admitted that she thinks my H is mad at her for not being on the computer as much. She also said they haven't had phone sex in a while and no words of "love" that she can remember. i believe the part about the phone sex. I even believe that she is not telling my H she loves him. However, I think my H is still saying he lover her. I think he sees more in the relationship then she does.
I am not sure what to think anymore. This whole thing with his dad has him very moody. I asked him if he wanted to sit on the couch and watch a movie with me and he almost jumped down my throat saying he could just sit on the couch and watch a movie cause then he would do nothing but think and stress about his pool tournament.
However, we did go out later to shoot pool. He was stressing big time and it really affected his game. I hope he is doing okay. I am afraid to call him to check cause they are still in the first bracket for another hour and I don't want to distract them before they get their break.
I hope they make it to the next round(which is in 4 hours). If they don't win then he will really be in a mood. He tends to blame himself if they lose even though it is a team of like 8 players.
we will see what happens:)
<small>[ June 12, 2004, 01:26 PM: Message edited by: starshattered ]</small>
Star --
Add the book "Boundaries" to your reading list. I think it will really help you.
Well they made it to the third match. He was the first player up and he lost. Then the 4th and 5th guys on their team lost. Thankfully, he doesn't feel destroyed by this. He said he is glad the 4th guy lost cause then it wasn't all on him.
At least they made it this far. Hopefully the rest of the day will go better.
I heard him and OW having a disagreement last night. Apparently her H was going to bed and she stopped him by reminding him about something. This upset my H. I only heard one side of the conversation, but it sounded like he was upset with her cause they wouldn't be "alone". I have had this very conversation with the OW. I told her that he needs to understand the boundaries in the relationship. She has her own life and he has his. It is stuff like this that makes the friendship unhealthy and more than just friends.
I have a felling that it is not going to last much longer. I am not sure if that will be her choice or his. Maybe what I have said to her in the past is finally sinking in or maybe her H has finally realized what is going on.
I just want my life back to the way it was. I want back the H who use to by me roses and bring home little chocolate mints from work cause he knew I liked them.
I have a birthday coming up in about 2 1/2 weeks(i will officially be 24). My birthday wish is that I want to go on a date with my husband to a restaurant that is not a chain and you have to dress up (i.e. NO Red Lobster).
Hmmm...wishful thinking.
Sorry, I started my day off very excited and happy. Now I am just blah. The day is still young, maybe something good will come of it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
well my H and I had a big talk last night. He was talking to someone over IM last week and I asked him who it was. He told me it was an old friend. My instinct knew who this friend was and last night I was proven right. I can't remember if I said anything in my posts about the woman my H was talking to when he and the OW had a brief falling out. This was when he was deep in his depression and very easily drawn into things. This woman was bad news. She lied to him about things I said(which is why he stopped talking to her), but at one point my H thought he wanted an open marraige. This only lasted 1 day, he cam eto his senses and realized what an idiot he was.
Anyway, when I saw the name attached to the IM screen name I freaked. I started crying and told him I was pissed that he lied to me. He said I was upset more because of WHO he was speaking to. He hadn't told me cause he knew I would be upset. He said she had IM'd him and he didn't want to be rude by ignoring her. I told him my opinion that she is bad news and he should have no contact with this woman. He got angry and said he would deal with it in his way.
However, we went on our back porch where his father wouldn't interrupt us and had a talk. I told him why I was upset and all the things that have been stressing me. Unfortunatly, he wasn't feeling well when we had this discussion. So I don't think we really finished it, but he did say he has been treating me unfairly and he was sorry.
When we went back in the house he sat on the couch for a bit and then went back to the computer. My first impression was that he was going to ignor what I said and keep playing his game. I was wrong. He clicked on his yahoo buddy list and deleted the woman's name. :)Then he got back on the game and told the friend he was playing with (this is a mutual friend who knows everything that is going on) that he was logging off and going to bed.
I couldn't believe it. My husband hasn't gone to bed before 1am in about 6 months. AND to make it better he was going to bed the same time as me.
To make everything even better he hadn't talked to the OW at all. She never logged on, but usually when she isn't on by 11pm he calls her to find out if she is getting on the game.
I don't know if this was because he wasn't feeling well(though that usually doesn't stop him from anything) or if this was because he felt guilty. Or maybe I have helped him to realize what he is doing is wrong.
Should I take this as a good sign? Could things actually be getting better? Either way I am happy today <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
<small>[ June 14, 2004, 08:24 AM: Message edited by: starshattered ]</small>
Hi Star
I have not been online for a few days and it looks like things are going better.
So did they get eliminated from the tournament??
I think that YOU are showing him what a wonderful wife he has and maybe just maybe he is coming to his senses.
Things here are about the same.My H walks around like nothing is wrong.He hardly talks to me and just goes about his business.All he ever says is I dont know what to do(even tho I have told him and told him)and that he loves me.
Sorry just saying I love you is not enough anymore.
Hope things continue to go uphill for you and I hope you get your birthday wish.
sorry to here about that Ginger. It sounds like my H. He says he doesn't know what to do or what to think but that he does love me.
Yes, the team was eliminated from the tournament. He still has a chance to qualify as a single player in September.
It has been a rough couple of days. I had a brief breakdown in front of my H. I told him he was treating me like dirt and I didn't know how much more of this I could take. He said he realized he wasn't being fair. I knew we weren't done there, but since he wasn't feeling well I let it drop for the moment. Monday night the one of the worst possible things happened. We were in bed and he rolled over and started well...
He was still half asleep and he was saying what he would like to do to me. Then he called me by the OW's name. OUCH!
I pulled away and shook him fully awake and told him what he just did. He got upset and said he didn't mean it. That he talks gibberish in his sleep. Which he does. I wouldn't let it drop. I told him everything had to stop. He couldn't keep putting me through this cause I wasn't sure how much more I could take. He said he was sorry that he really loves me and doesn't want to lose me. He said he would talk to the OW the next day.
When I got home from work the next afternoon, he was home. My first instinct was I forgot to reset the alarm for him and he overslept. I walked in the house in a slight panic and his dad told me he had the schedual wrong that he was off. I knew this was wrong, my H had double checked everything.
When I saw my H he wrapped me in his arms and told me in a choked voice that he didn't want to lose me. He told work he had to leave that there were problems at home. We had a talk about things and he agreed to change the way he has been treating me lately. He also said that he would talk to the OW, but to let him handle it. I am not exactly sure what is going on in that front. I have not spoken to the OW myself, mainly cause I am so angry I am afraid of what I might do or say. However, things seem better after we had our talk. He is coming to bed early and being very attentive toward me. We even left his Tuesday night pool game right when they finished rather than stay longer so he could play with other people til after midnight like he usually does. Best of all when I got home today he was up and ready to cut the grass. We even went out to lunch.
I hope this is not just a short term illusion and that this lasts. Not sure I could stand to be disappointed again.
In the meantime all is good. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
<small>[ June 16, 2004, 05:30 PM: Message edited by: starshattered ]</small>
I am so sorry to hear about what happened in the bedroom,I hope that was a wake up call to your H.
You should not have to put up with stuff like that.
I am glad to hear that things are going better.Maybe your birthday wish will come true <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Keep posting even if things are going well so that I know how you are.And make sure you dont let it drop that he is going to talk w/OW about NC.Make sure this happens or things could get out of hand.
Take care,hope to hear from you again soon.
My H and I had a big fight on Saturday. I kinda gave him an ultimatium to stop the phone sex and that I don't want him staying up for all hours of the night especially on the phone. He finally agreed, but I don't feel much better. I feel like he is so distant. It makes me second guess myself. I have not taken back what I said.
It seems that my H conviently forgot what he said on monday about calling the phone sex off. What he said was that we neede to concentrate was "us". I told him it was all mixed together. There is no us as long as he is unfaithful. He doesn't see it that way. He sees the phone sex as just fun and nothing more. But it is obviously more if three months ago he thought he was in love with the woman and prob still thinks that way.
He came back at me that he has tried to be considerate and affectionate this week and I still got mad and upset with him. What did he expect. I have done so much to try and save our marriage and he hasn't moved an inch. He didn't want to give up his "perks".
He also ranted about his new job interview for a management position that I submitted his apllication for. He says he doesn't want to do the job. He doesn't want the hours. He hasn' even been to the interview, he doesn't know what hours he will be working. He doesn't even HAVE the job yet. I submitted the application cause I thought it would be something he would like. He is not happy as just a server, and this wouldn't have the late hours as a restaurant manager. Sometimes I wish he would grow up and take some responsability for his life. He is almost 30. He can't live like this anymore. He needs a secure job. He needs soem focus. Maybe if he had that he wouldn't turn to the internet.
I have his promise now that the EA is ended, but he was so down Saturday and Sunday. He barely spoke to me.He said he wasn't mad at me, or upset and that he did love me. He was just disappointed. In what!? I have been there for him for almost 6 years and her only a couple of months. I have had a lot more to be disappointed about. Is it so wrong to want my husband to be faithful to me and treat me with the respect I deserve? I am not putting up with this crap anymore. I will not relent.
When he came to bed last night he was his old self.Excited about the game and he held me till we both fell asleep. This mornign he had me set the alarm after I got up so he would be up early. He didn't have to be at work for another 4 hours after the time he told me to set it. When I asked him why, he said cause maybe if he started getting up earlier he might not stay up so late at night. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I have not seen him this morning cause i had to be at work early for a few hours and when i got home he had left for work already, but I am so afraid that it will be the cold shoulder again. I hope he is the same man from yesterday.
I love my husband. And despite what he thinks I AM happy with him. It is only this one part that I am unhappy with. As long as he keeps his promise to me then there is no more problem.
I really liked how sweet he was being last week. I hope this was not the end of it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
Please someone tell me I didn't use a love buster when I told my H no more.
I am so confused I want off this rollercoaster! One day everything is great and the next I wonder why I stay. One day he is happy and sweet and the next grouchy and annoyed. I am sick of these up and downs.
I may be wrong but by setting your boundries and being firm about it, I do not think that is a love buster.You did not be little him or disrespect him you just told him what you wanted out of your relationship.
If he did cut it off with her and was down over the weekend I hate to say this but it may be that way for a bit.After my H stopped talking w/OW he was so unhappy.
Remember these people were making them very happy, now it is gone they will mourn the loss for a bit this is where you show him how much better you are then her.I know it makes no sense really but that is just how it is.It is all a fantasy and they were getting such a high from it now they are going thru a low,its all a part of the rollercoster.
I am still this way,up one day and down the next.It seems when my H does good things for me(us)then I feel happy but it only takes one little thing to change that mood and bring me down.This was never my personality before his A.
Well sounds like things maybe going uphill for you I sure hope so.
And you are right he needs to grow up,but it takes some men a really long time to do this
so.......... just don't hold your breathe while you are waiting. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> LOL
Take care good to see you back on.
<small>[ June 21, 2004, 05:55 PM: Message edited by: gingersnap ]</small>
oh...boy. I have started to have mild painc attacks where I just start crying for no reason. It is unnearving my H cause he asks "What did I do wrong now?". He just doesn't understand that it is not something he has done. In fact I seem to calm down when he is around.
Is this just some way of me unconcously trying to get attention from him?
We are both working on my birthday, but it is a morning shift. So maybe we will get to go out to dinner or something. I am trying not to get my hopes up about it.
I tell myself everytime he says something not to pay it any mind. If I think it is going to happen then I will be upset when it doesn't. And if it does happen and I didn't think it would then that makes it great. I know my thinking is kinda backwards and twisted.
On the brighter side, he is no longer having phone sex. This makes 2 weeks that I know he has done nothing. I consider this a small milestone. Also, my father-in-law has filed his disability and we are just waiting for approval. Hopefully my H should get a call tomorrow to set up a second job interview. He sounds excited about it again.
well thats the only update i have right now. But I guess it is liek they say ... no news is good news. Right?
I've been wondering about you.
Glad to hear things are starting to get better.
Things here have gone from bad to worst.
I'm not sure what the future holds but for now it looks like a seperation.
Ginger- sorry to hear that things are going bad for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
I find it so hard to trust my H now. I started to panic that he has already replaced the OW with a new one. We had a talk about it and he says nothing is going on. Nothing may be going on , but I don't want it to start up later.
I kinda got my birthday wish. We went out to dinner and a movie. Unfortunatly it was Red Lobster so we did wear jeans. He told me to order whatever I wanted so i did get lobster out of it. lol
I am still having painc attacks, but they are not so bad now. And not all of them have to do with him.
I am just trying to take each day as it comes and not expect too much. I did tell him right out that I would not be able to go through this all over again. If he did start up with another internet woman then that would be it. No more chances. I would be on a plane back to Jersey so fast.
He didn't get the new job. Found out the day before my birthday so that kinda shadowed everything. I hope the rest of the year goes better cause this first half has been really sucky.
well I guess I was right not to trust him again. Last night I caught him having phone sex with the OW.
I told myself that if he did it again that I would leave. But I am still here so I guess I am not strong in my convictions.
I spent 2 hours trying to convince him not to leave the house (he wanted to go for a drive at 2:30 in the morning). I knew if he left that he would do something stupid like crash the car or drive it off a bridge.
He admitted that if I left him that he would just end it all so he would stop continously hurting me. We are still trying to work things out.
He says this was the first time he has done anything since I asked him to stop. He promised me he would. He broke that promise.
He says he can't stop cold turkey with phone sex. Does anyone know how to help him stop? He doesn't want to see a sex therapist. But any other suggestions would be welcome.
I am at my wits end. Too many broken promises.
Sorry to hear of this,I dont have much to suggest and I am sure I am not the one to suggest what to do but it seems to me that you are like me.You say you will do something but he knows you wont therefore why stop.
I saw and IC last week and she told me that to my H I am so predictable therefore he knows what will happen when he does something,I believe that is why the a was so easy for him.
I need to stop being so predictable and maybe you should to.
You do not have to live this way and neither do I.
I will probably end up moving and the only way we will get back together is on my terms.
Problem is I dont think he will even try to work things out.I have been gone a week and he has only emailed me once and tho he calls me daily it is usually only about a one minute conversations,if you do the math that means he has taken probably a whole 15 to 20min out of his time this week for me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
Do I deserve more than that??
Do you deserve more than to be lied to??
I think the answer for both of us is YES <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
was he cheating on you again or just the indifference?
The problem with my H is he doesn't see what he did wrong. He says he can dissassociate sex. Whatever.
I sent an email to the OW and apparently she then gave my H the impression that she will have no more contact with him. He is upset feels like he lost his best friend (that is what they have deluded themselves into...friends with benefits)
He is kinda giving me the silent treatment, being very quiet and only talking when I say something to him. It is like he is walking in a cloud
I say good ridence. If she really was his friend she wouldn't of helped him get in the situation he did.
Ginger- I think you are very strong for taking action. I told myself I would leave, but I just worry too much for his mental health.
No he is not cheating again that I know of,it is just the lack of change in him and our life.When things get ruff he tells me to leave,that we are no good for each other and that he cant take it anymore.
So I left.
I will go home next week but I am making plans to move over here closer to my kids hopefully by the end of summer.
Some days I feel strong other days I dont.I lost it yesterday when I found out he was out to lunch w/some guy and had not even taken the time to call or email me.I called him and told him how I felt but also let him know that the way he treats me is partly my fault for I have always allowed it,but no more.I want to be treated like I matter and you know what I do matter and so do you.You do not need to allow this treatment from your H and as long as you let him treat you like this it is just how he will treat you.Please dont wait until you have been married 27yrs like me before you realize that you do not deserve to be treated like this.
Ginger- I am sorry to hear how things have been going for you. Your advice has helped me so much in the last couple of months. I hope things get better for you.
As far as my marriage goes, I guess in a way this whole episode has really helped us. Yes, we fight now (which we never did before), but he is making an effort to improve things. Things have gotten better.
He is helping me out around the house and being really thoughtful. Earlier this week he had me stop in to see him at work and bought me dinner. This is how things use to be between us. He is also not on the computer as often.
I hope things continue to improve. Maybe it was me telling him that I thought of leaving that finally opened his eyes.
There are still things we need to resolve, but we are getting there <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Thank you for being there when I needed someone to talk to. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I don't normally read all the pages of certain posts but I did read all 4 pages of this one.
IMHO I think that the first thing you need to do is quit talking to the OW. You can't really believe anything she says...and she isn't going to take any of your advise, so talking to her is not only wasting your time....but defeating your purpose.
I see nothing wrong in telling your H that it has to stop....standing up for yourself is not an LB...whether it makes your H mad or not.
Your H has smooth talked his way into getting what he wants. Him and the OW aren't "just friends". He shouldn't being talking to women on the computer in the first place, let alone talking to those same women on the phone.
Your H IS addicted to the computer and he IS addicted to this OW or any other one that he happens to talk to when she isn't available.
Asking you go to bed early so he can have some alone time.......HELLO.......why do YOU have to accomodate his alone time? If he wants ALONE time then maybe HE should go to bed early or he can go outside and sit on the stoop.
I'm sorry to say this....and please don't take it the wrong way....but in a way you have been enabeling him to have this relationship with this woman.
Yes...you control only yourself....but....you get treated the way you ALLOW OTHERS TO TREAT YOU.
He does these things....that hurt you....and when you acknowledge it he tries to make it up to you in a way he knows you want him to....and then when your ok again....it starts back up again on the computer or over the phone.....notice the cycle?
One of you has to break that cycle....or it will continue on and on and on.
Here is a suggestion.
If you do not use the computer for business purposes and for entertainment only....why not unplug it. Just don't use it. As for the OW's phone #'s....call the phone company and see if you can get them blocked....like 900 #'s. Incoming and outgoing.
If your H is serious about loving you and wanting to be with you....then he shouldn't have a problem with it....afterall....the OW isn't a relative....or someone so important that he couldn't live without her.
If none of this helps....then I got a 2x4 handy around here somewhere....maybe that could knock some sense into him.
<small>[ July 15, 2004, 01:22 PM: Message edited by: Miss Priss ]</small>
Hi Star
I am home now I was gone for 2wks.I did get a job but I have not had luck w/an apt so I dont know what I am going to do.I am working on a time frame now.I have 2wks.
I am glad to hear that things are better for you and your H.
Thank you for the words of encouragement.And I am glad that I helped you.
Keep me posted ok.