Love Letters - Marriage Builders® Forums

Friday afternoon I found two cards that turned out to be Love Letters sent to my wife.

The cards freaked me out, and I asked my wife if anything was going on and she said no. I then asked her if she new anybody by the name of Joe, and she said no. Then I confronted her with the cards. She looked guilty, but then explained that he was obsessed with her, and that he meant nothing to her--they work int the same area but not together. She has assured me that the Love affair was one sided, and that there was absolutely nothing going on, other than her being nice to him--she feels sorry for him.

I just don't understand why she would keep the cards and not tell me about this if nothing were really going on. She also say's that she wanted to keep the cards for memory, that she was flattered. Is it possible that she is telling the truth?

tedinbe

I am coming from the position of BH and obviously I am not very trustful of any woman who is a wife right now who said something like yours did.
So IMO your wifes action does seem 'strange', if it was one sided why would she want to keep them? She might be flattered or amused but if she thought you were worried that anything was going on I really can't see that any wife would just say 'oh chuck them the're not important' if that was all it was do you??
Look I may be overly suspicious as i said but I would be doing a bit of digging here, checking times when she was late at work, phone calls email all of that. Better to be wrong than surprised like me. I'm not saying go paranoid but you obviously think there is something wrong to be posting here.
Hope it's just nothing for both of you

My wife said the same thing about her internet affair. He was just a friend .... She didn't have feelings for him ... He talked naughty, but she didn't... that she could never meet him ...

But then I found the IM conversations, I heard a phone message, she kept it secret.

I don't know what your situation is, but the secret part bothers me. Why would she keep the cards and keep it secret. Be careful, go to counseling right NOW.

Thanks for replying. She has been nicer to me today than she has in years. I hope it is not temporary.

tedinbe

when something is kept "secret", it is never good!

If your "gut" is telling you that something is "NOT" right,then it isn't!

Have you thought about confronting "Joe"? Is he married????

take care
bb

I would if I could, I don't know who he is or what he looks like. I would like to talk to him about it.

My wife say's that he doesn't work there anymore, or is rarely around--she moves back and forth between these statements. She gets defensive when I say that I want to go to where she works to take care of business.

She assures me that it was one sided and that he was obesessed with her and that she ended it, and he doesn't go around her anymore.

That really does not sound good. Now it may have been no more than a emotional attraction perhaps but it sounds very suspicious to me all this tooing & throwing between reasons and hes there and not there. Look either this 'JOE' is working at the same place or he is not working at the same place...that is NOT hard for a 6 year old to work out let alone your wife.
The more you query the more defensive she seems to be from your posting. Investigate this now, get some info then ask her when you have some more to work on, not sure if nagging her is getting you anywhere but an ulcer.
Can you afford a PI who specialise in this area?If you are so concerned perhaps this will resolve it once & for all.
Of course it may have been in the past too you know.
I really do hope it's nothing, at the worst just a bit of flirting, keeping my fingers crossed for you

Red flags all over the place. As a woman, I will tell you something is up. Most women get cards from unwelcome admirers from time to time. We throw them away.

I told her that I loved her and that if anything was going on I would forgive her. She is my wife and the mother of my children.

She said that if there was more to say she would, but that she has told me everything, and she is being kinder and more intimate with me than she has in years. I hope it lasts...

Thanks Faithful Elizabeth,

I am so afraid to look further...I want to believe her so much. We have been more intamate, and more sexual than we have in years...and she say's that if I mention "Joe" she will stop being that way...it has been so long since I have had any intamcy, I want to hang on no matter what the cost. When they say Love is Blind, they mean it.

I will try to dig more, but I have to be so careful, what if what she say's is true?

<blockquote>quote:<hr />We have been more intamate, and more sexual than we have in years...and she say's that if I mention "Joe" she will stop being that way <hr /></blockquote>Your WIFE told you that as long as you don't question her about "JOE" she will give you sex? And this is something that you don't see as being a RED FLAG and totally WACKO?
Come on dude, read what you wrote and then imagine if a friend was telling you this about his wife, the manipulation by using sex to get her out of the HOT SEAT!
You know what is going on, but you don't want to SEE IT because that means you would have to DO SOMETHING, TAKE ACTION and you don't want to deal with any unpleasant changes in your marriage.
I am not wanting to be harsh because it is a normal reaction in a lot of people to stay blind, deaf and dumb when RED FLAGS of infidelity pop up in a relationship.
Someimes facing the truth scares us, it is easier to not acknowlege anything.
Problem with that route is it will send your mind reeling when she is not in your presence. You will feel like you are going crazy because you don't have any logical pieces to her stories. Let's sum this situation up that you have painted to us.
1. You find Love letters to your wife
2. Her first reaction is to lie and say she doesn't know anyone named Joe.
3. She admits she knows someone named Joe only when confronted with the evidence.
4. She says he is an obsessed stalker and coworker and she has no feelings for him but she keeps the letters.
5. She never mentions she works with a co-worker that is obsessed with her, or the love letters to you.
6. She keeps love letters from an obsessed stalker because she feels sorry for him and feels flattered not scared!
7. She is nicer and more sexual with you than she has been in YEARS the SAME DAY she is confronted.
8. She gives you the ultimatum, "don't ask, get sex"!
2+2=4

Thanks trying2_4give and Aspen Tree,

trying2_4give, your list has helped me put this all in perspective. I am taking deep breaths and trying to handle this with some dignity--it's so hard.

If somehow I can talk to Joe and get his side of the story, I may be able to move on.

tedinbe

I'm sorry for the "confusion" you are going through. Gosh, I can really feel with you.

It just isn't until you get "clearification" until you will "know" what is true and what is not.

I think that if your wife didn't have anything to hide, she'd have nothing against your "request" to get this "confusing" situation cleared up.

I am not trying to "upset you" but I'd honestly be prepared for the worst.

Your "gut" told you that something was wrong and I would say there probably is.

If this was "harmless" I's say as a woman, I would of shared it with my husband immediatly. There woud be NO reason for me to save such letters and I'd just have to talk about it with my husband.I'd have no reason to keep such a thing secret mostly not if it was "one-sided" as she said.

take care of yourself and keep on posting
We are here for you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

bb

ted,, I am a recently BH,, and since I have discovered my wifes affair I now know everything she ever lied about and could not believe it. I have been on this forum since DD and one thing I can tell is true is that all of the discoveries of other BH's are so similar that it scares me. You are me 3 months ago,, I found the evidence,, she denied anything sexual,, she began to make love to me more and more. I thought man she does love me. This is an example of how terrible a BS can do anything to conceal an affair,,,,(the day I asked her about my suspicions I asked her when she got home from her Mothers,, keep in mind she denied everything,,, she Made Love to me,,,, now that her affair has been exposed she has given me full and painful disclosure,,, that day I found out she was not coming from Mothers she had just seen OM and admitted she had just had sex with him. Not 2 hrs later she was having sex with me. The lies and betrayal can be unbelieveable but I could have duplicated your post when I was in denial. Prepare yourself and talk with us because we have been there, every feeling you have expressed I have had,, you simply cannot believe this could happen but trust me I felt the same way. It is clear your wife still loves you and if you expose her affair I promise you want have to look for how it happened or why, she herself will give you the truth because she loves you. My wife told me everything she ever lied about and all of it cut me in half, but she said she wanted to wash all the lies and tell me the unbearable deception she had been living toward the man she loves. I have no doubt that you will eventually get disclosure from your wife just remember it wasnt that she didnt love you or anything you made her do. She is doing what every spouse does to one another when they are in love,, she is protecting you, she is protecting you from the hurt. Keep us posted and I hope some way your marriage is on of the few exceptions to the men that have been in your position.

Reality check. I don't want to freak you out, but her behavior is textbook. Over compensating maybe because she is having an affair most likely. Investigate her on your own. Follow her, check her emails, etc. The sooner you find out what is really going on the better. I am not saying it is a sure thing just very possible IMO.

Thanks for asking Aspen Tree,

Well, my wife has said that she will "find" Joe (she instists that he is not around anymore), and tell him that I want to talk to him so I can get some closure on this. I'll see what happens...

We are moving out of the country (we live in Europe now), and back to the US in one week. I may never have complete closure.

I am such a pain, one day we are getting along great, and the next I ruin it with my nagging questions...and she makes me feel as if I am the bad guy.

I know I probably won't get to talk to Joe, and we will return to the US. How can I move on with my life, put these letters behind me, and be the husband that I need to be to prevent another "Joe"?

Hmmmm. Time for Plan A. Get firmly in Plan A. You have to make it safe for her to tell you the truth. Stick with us, we will help you figure it out.

I would also insist on marriage counseling.

Thank you believer,

I think you hit something that is the single most important issue for me...Truth.

I can get past about anything if she would just be truthful with me.

Tedinbe-

I rarely post, but your message brought me out. My situation did not involve letters, but my W was using her cellphone during a several month so-called friendship. DDay was December 03. She still does not admit to anything more than phone calls and now we are to the point that I don't ask. She too, became more intimate with me(which was very unlike her, but which I appreciate very much) and we have been to MC. She is holding the details in, I believe, but I am convinced there is no more contact and that nothing physical happened. My point is, from my perspective, there is not closure in our situation. Over time, however, and the obvious effort on the part of my W to engage in our M, we are closer now than ever.

Maybe someday she will reveal more. She says I know everything. Is this closure? In your case, when you move back to the states you may not know everything either, from your perspective. Just be aware of this as you focus on what you have and how good things are or can be. I hope this helps.

Regards

Thanks for your thoughtful words Maduro they help allot.

I think I am on track with what you are saying...

I guess a true test will be when we leave the country.

I have found that she has created a new email address though...I haven't said anything; I think she thinks I do not know about it. I have found myself obsessed with trying to come up with the password, so I can get some solid evidence.

I am being contradictory and irrational...I want to stop snooping, but it's like I am addicted...

tedinbe - You are perfectly normal. I constantly snooped, drove around town to "find them". It is just what BS's do.

You might show up at her work or call and ask for Joe.

They lie because they don't want to hurt us, but in the end, they hurt us more.

Tedinbe-

Just to be clear, I agree with Believer that to snoop is normal. In the beginning, I was on a mission to review the phone records and when successful it confirmed my gut suspicions. You could say I was addicted to finding something.

I haven't checked up on her through snooping in over a month, however- but am reserving that right. The urge to snoop goes away with time too.

Even though I feel we do not have closure because my wife's version downplays the whole situation, and there were a lot of phone calls, I believe there is no contact today. If I need to snoop in the future to verify no contact, I will. Do not feel guilty about snooping.

I hope this hasn't confused you too much.

Regards

I too agree with the others concerning "snooping".
I myself am probably "Queen of Snoopers".

It's better now but at the beginning, I was snooping like crazy and I did find things.

Sometimes I'd get up in the night when I was sure that my husband was sleeping and I'd go through his car. Other times, I'd turn on his cell phone, just to see if OW would call or send a message.

I snooped whereever and whenever it was possible. I was "obsessing" but I'm gratefull that this is now better.
I just don't find anything anymore. But who wonders the affair is over and my husband is committed completely.

I still would say that as long as your "gut" is giving you "permission" and as long as you do not feel safe, you have all the right in the world to snoop. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

take care
bb

I just found cell phone records that matched a guy named "Joe". Two calls were made: one on a Sunday for 25 minutes, another the following Sunday for only 1 minute.

This guy turns out to be the principal at the school where my wife is a teacher's aide.

I confronted her and she said that they discussed some of the children at the school. I just don't understand why she would use the cell for a call like that and not call from the house, or even wait to discuss at school the next day.

She completely denies anything is going on with this guy, or anyone else for that matter, and that if I don't believe her I should leave her. She has me apologizing, and then we get along great...

Hi there,

listen to your "gut"!!!!!!!

This sounds very strange. If I had something concerning work to talk about, I would discuss it at work and not on a Sunday on my cell phone.

Or can she explain what was so important that she had to talk about it??? If she can't then it's really strange.

I'd also recommend you to get the book: "Cheaters" by Raymond B. Green

bb

Tedinbe-

My W used her cell phone, but when I finally saw the records there were 100's of calls over a 5 month period. Before my gut feelings started (and before I saw the records) my W also began to focus on her appearance and became more affectionate with me. She started to work out, tan etc. I did not recognize these signs until way after. We have been married 19 years, so I did not suspect anything. My gut told me first.

Changes in behavior (such as focusing on appearance)is a big sign. Are there any?

By the way, the 1 minute call is likely a left message. There were many on my W's bill.

Regards

One thing you could consider is to install some keystroke monitoring software to get the password. This will also enable you to read every email she writes even if she doesn't save them since that software will save each kepress as it is pressed (typed). This software enabled me to discover my wife's affair and confront her with it. She calls me her 'hero' for saving her from herself and never questioned my motives for checking her emails. I have a 'trust but validate' approach and this is just part of the 'validate' side of the equation. Some will say it is wrong to spy on your spouse. I think that if you are suspicious then that is the time to validate things, no matter where it takes you. I used software called '007'. If you type '007 spyware' into google or yaho search engines you should be able to find it. Just be prepared for what you might find - do you really want to know the details? It really hurts to read your spouses email to her lover. It could take a long time for the pain of having those details in your brain to fade - if ever. For that reason I recommend you read only enough to detect the affair and then stop reading - I wish I had stopped reading the emails earlier personally...swdad