Rummaged through H's things yesterday and found a cd-r marked "private". Of course that meant I should look at it (curiosity killed the cat and all). Turns out it was filled with pictures of OW; the one that he swears he's not having an affair with; the one that lives long-distance that he has her name programmed into his phone under a man (as to not look suspicious), the one that he said "would say all kinds of things" to get a dad for her kids when confronted about a text message I found. He now locks his cell phone, so that I can't snoop, so no more ammunition that way.

What's so galling is that this morning he went on a long spiel about knowing that I wanted to continue to be a SAHM, and that we neeed to look at starting our own business to plan for the future when our 7 and 4 year olds go to college. Things like having enough money to retire on and see our grandkids. Am I the delusional one or is he? I think that he thinks that as long as the OW is hundreds of miles away, and he can only see her "virtually" unless he's up there on a business trip, that things are ok.

I've not confronted him about the find, I just copied the disc and put it in my place for future use. I've also got OW's email and personal info; should I use it? Should I confront her about what is going on? Should I hear her side and find out if H is lying? (which of course I suspect he is..)

VAHONEYBEE,
So many of us have similar stories here. Even though there were soooo many signs that my FWH was having an A, it took physical evidence to wake me up (credit card bills). He too was involved in a long distance (East Coast vs. West Coast)A and I think (actually I know)that he actually thought he could actually pull it off without having an affect on his M. Men just don't think like us. The OW was a former college friend whom he had never been romantically interested in but stayed in contact with. Her M was bad from the start and I think that what started as merely a friendship, developed into an extended EM. When her M ended, she suggested a PA with no strings attached. In honestly believe that he didn't comprehend that this is never possible. Things went badly for them pretty early on and OW kept him in the A by threatening to tell me. I think the reason your WH still talks about your joint future is that he has no intention of leaving you, and really doesn't want a committed relationship with OW.
As for me, I wish I had confronted him with my suspicions immediately rather than waiting until the proof hit me between the eyes. If I had, he would have ended the A immediately and OW would have never had any leverage to keep him in the A. Just my opinion, but I think you are still way more important to your WH than the OW is.