<sigh> - 09/10/05 06:33 AM
Greetings, all. I'm almost at wits-end here.
In short my wife of six years yearns to live geographically proximate to her family. It seems this has always been her desire. Either I was too blind to spot it, or her feelings on the issue were not made plain to her thick-headed husband. I suspect it was both.
The first few years of marriage, of course, were blissful. Little dissatisfaction was visible on her part; I now know this was a difficult time for her because, as is so often the case, we were newlyweds and poor, making travel to see her family a rare ocurrence.
In the last three years, however, we have traveled often to see them, taking major holidays and extending them into vacations, as well as taking summer vacations, etc. My folks live about 2 hours away from us, so naturally we get to see them throughout the year.
But also in the last three years, my wife's desire to move closer to them, while probably not intensified, has certainly become more manifest. Indeed, it is an official wedge between us. And here is why:
First, I am in no way against such a move, and we have spoken clearly and directly about our goals to achieve such an end in the next few years.
I am sure my wife deems my intentions suspect, however, as I tend to want to focus more on this week than 'next' year. I know she simply wants to be reassured. So I try. Maybe I lack sincerity?
The real problem, though, is this: every negative ocurrence or obstacle in our lives leads her to one bottom-line: "I don't know why I'm here; my family is not here and I don't have friends." Now, I tend to respond: "You're here because of me, dear." (The bit about the friends just isn't true; they're just not her life-long friends, some of which live in close proximity to her family.) Just about everything tends to come out this way. Add to this her (correct) perception that her coming to my neck of the woods was a sacrifice on her part, and now we have a situation where every day that she spends "here" becomes a sacrifice (And when am I going to sacrifice something?).
It's now to the point where I dread traveling to see her family because the aftermatch is dreadful — arguments, depression, indifference, etc., etc. It's really becoming a monster I never thought it would (it has, of course, affected every facet of our marriage).
Finally, I'm in a profession one doesn't drop, pick a city on the map, and start anew. It's technical, and it's specific. Any move will take serious planning, and it may be that such a move would undermine my (personal dreams) vocation. Even still, I see us making this move — just not next week.
I have thought all those things we thought we'd never think ("…if only I had known…"; "…divorce…"; "…I'm not so sure I love this person…", etc.). I think I've lost what little patience I had, and now I have lost any desire to actually care. You know, just let this thing sit there, while we simply co-habitate, and I focus on surviving.
Thanks for taking the time to read.
CJD
[edited to add: I also wanted to know, do other women here feel this way, this attached to their family? From my perspective, it feels like a rejection of me and our life together.]
In short my wife of six years yearns to live geographically proximate to her family. It seems this has always been her desire. Either I was too blind to spot it, or her feelings on the issue were not made plain to her thick-headed husband. I suspect it was both.
The first few years of marriage, of course, were blissful. Little dissatisfaction was visible on her part; I now know this was a difficult time for her because, as is so often the case, we were newlyweds and poor, making travel to see her family a rare ocurrence.
In the last three years, however, we have traveled often to see them, taking major holidays and extending them into vacations, as well as taking summer vacations, etc. My folks live about 2 hours away from us, so naturally we get to see them throughout the year.
But also in the last three years, my wife's desire to move closer to them, while probably not intensified, has certainly become more manifest. Indeed, it is an official wedge between us. And here is why:
First, I am in no way against such a move, and we have spoken clearly and directly about our goals to achieve such an end in the next few years.
I am sure my wife deems my intentions suspect, however, as I tend to want to focus more on this week than 'next' year. I know she simply wants to be reassured. So I try. Maybe I lack sincerity?
The real problem, though, is this: every negative ocurrence or obstacle in our lives leads her to one bottom-line: "I don't know why I'm here; my family is not here and I don't have friends." Now, I tend to respond: "You're here because of me, dear." (The bit about the friends just isn't true; they're just not her life-long friends, some of which live in close proximity to her family.) Just about everything tends to come out this way. Add to this her (correct) perception that her coming to my neck of the woods was a sacrifice on her part, and now we have a situation where every day that she spends "here" becomes a sacrifice (And when am I going to sacrifice something?).
It's now to the point where I dread traveling to see her family because the aftermatch is dreadful — arguments, depression, indifference, etc., etc. It's really becoming a monster I never thought it would (it has, of course, affected every facet of our marriage).
Finally, I'm in a profession one doesn't drop, pick a city on the map, and start anew. It's technical, and it's specific. Any move will take serious planning, and it may be that such a move would undermine my (personal dreams) vocation. Even still, I see us making this move — just not next week.
I have thought all those things we thought we'd never think ("…if only I had known…"; "…divorce…"; "…I'm not so sure I love this person…", etc.). I think I've lost what little patience I had, and now I have lost any desire to actually care. You know, just let this thing sit there, while we simply co-habitate, and I focus on surviving.
Thanks for taking the time to read.
CJD
[edited to add: I also wanted to know, do other women here feel this way, this attached to their family? From my perspective, it feels like a rejection of me and our life together.]