I just can't trust HER! - 04/25/09 08:18 PM
I want to start by saying that this website and the great advice I received really helped and actually saved my marriage almost 5 years ago.
With that said, I need you guidance again.
My wife and I have been married for 23 years. Not all good times, but is has always been worth it. I love her, and I feel she loves me. We have two adult children, young twenties. They both are at home going to college and working. We both are self employed. This lends to the reality for us to be apart from almost 80 hours a week. But we usually have the weekends and up until recently always made time for each other. Date night and Sunday out to breakfast, just the two of us. Sometimes weekends away. I mean really just a good relationship.
Late last year, She out of blue while Christmas shopping together on a Saturday morning, announced that one of her clients invited her to a Tattoo party. She had known about for weeks and had not decided to go until that day. Mind you we are both very busy and this Saturday had been set aside just for the shopping. I expressed my opinion, and let her know that I didn’t understand the importance of this party, especially given the circumstances. She decided to cut our day short and go to this party. She left about 4pm and said she was going to check it out for a couple of hours. She explained her curiosity about getting a tattoo, and thought this was great way to check it out. We had talked about a tattoo in the past; she wanted to get a tattoo of our children. This we assumed would happen one day, someday, who knows. It was just talk. Any way , when she wasn’t home by 7pm I starting calling her , I called her about once hour , and send text messages to her as well , up until I went to be at 1am. I was very upset, wondering what she doing out so late, and why would she not call me back.
I did not fear for her safety as she often does not return my call immediately, but this was crazy. She arrived home at almost 2am to wake me and said, she was sorry and the time got away from her. I was mad and just wanted to sleep. The morning I woke to find that she had gotten a full color tattoo that really meant nothing to her before the event. I was angry, not so much because of the tattoo but the way she did it. She had lied the whole time. She had every intention on going to the get the tattoo party and even had it in her calendar. She said she needed to do it this way, because I would have talked her out it. She was sorry for lying and so on. To this day I can not look at it, and it has become the big purple elephant in the room all the time.
Since this event there have been several other lies on her part. She has now explained theses lies as, it easier to deal with the fallout after the event, instead of arguing it before hand. My wife has not always been dependable and or reliable. She says she will be home at 7pm and she rolls in at 830pm for example, or she says I will pick it up on the way from work then doesn’t. This has always been the way she is and honestly I have given up on trying to negotiate or change her way. She just doesn’t see these things as important.
These lies have known grown into something that I can not let go. I have become convinced that she telling lies almost all the time now. She has a close friend, that I do not know that well, and she has taken up confiding in her, about everything including our marriage. She has been texting with the friend almost 8000, 9000 times a month. It drives me crazy. She is texting literally all the time. We are to dinner, we are watching a movie, it doesn’t matter she just keeps texting. Even when I have asked many times, and we fought many times, she does not care she just keeps it up. I have explained it makes feel like I am taking a back seat to this phone.
I know now she has lied about the texting trying to hide it because she knows it bothers me, but doesn’t want to give it up. It seems trivial to me many times when I think about it. But the truth is, I just don’t trust her. I do not suspect any infidelity or any thing like that. I just feel that the words coming out of her mouth are always a cover up for something.
This was proven when about a month ago when she was late from work. I needed to talk to her fairly urgently. I called many times to have her not call me back. I went to her business the receptionist said she had left hours ago. Now I was mad. I went home and waited. She arrives home drunk. She had gone out with this texting friend and a couple other clients. She lied to my face that she wasn’t drunk and not been drinking. Finally after a huge fight she tells the whole thing and comes clean.
Every time I start to trust she breaks it again. She tells me it is my problem and that I have no reason to distrust her.
I can not trust her! I don’t know what to do. I do not want this to be a deal breaker, but I have become very unhappy and feel it will not get any better.
With that said, I need you guidance again.
My wife and I have been married for 23 years. Not all good times, but is has always been worth it. I love her, and I feel she loves me. We have two adult children, young twenties. They both are at home going to college and working. We both are self employed. This lends to the reality for us to be apart from almost 80 hours a week. But we usually have the weekends and up until recently always made time for each other. Date night and Sunday out to breakfast, just the two of us. Sometimes weekends away. I mean really just a good relationship.
Late last year, She out of blue while Christmas shopping together on a Saturday morning, announced that one of her clients invited her to a Tattoo party. She had known about for weeks and had not decided to go until that day. Mind you we are both very busy and this Saturday had been set aside just for the shopping. I expressed my opinion, and let her know that I didn’t understand the importance of this party, especially given the circumstances. She decided to cut our day short and go to this party. She left about 4pm and said she was going to check it out for a couple of hours. She explained her curiosity about getting a tattoo, and thought this was great way to check it out. We had talked about a tattoo in the past; she wanted to get a tattoo of our children. This we assumed would happen one day, someday, who knows. It was just talk. Any way , when she wasn’t home by 7pm I starting calling her , I called her about once hour , and send text messages to her as well , up until I went to be at 1am. I was very upset, wondering what she doing out so late, and why would she not call me back.
I did not fear for her safety as she often does not return my call immediately, but this was crazy. She arrived home at almost 2am to wake me and said, she was sorry and the time got away from her. I was mad and just wanted to sleep. The morning I woke to find that she had gotten a full color tattoo that really meant nothing to her before the event. I was angry, not so much because of the tattoo but the way she did it. She had lied the whole time. She had every intention on going to the get the tattoo party and even had it in her calendar. She said she needed to do it this way, because I would have talked her out it. She was sorry for lying and so on. To this day I can not look at it, and it has become the big purple elephant in the room all the time.
Since this event there have been several other lies on her part. She has now explained theses lies as, it easier to deal with the fallout after the event, instead of arguing it before hand. My wife has not always been dependable and or reliable. She says she will be home at 7pm and she rolls in at 830pm for example, or she says I will pick it up on the way from work then doesn’t. This has always been the way she is and honestly I have given up on trying to negotiate or change her way. She just doesn’t see these things as important.
These lies have known grown into something that I can not let go. I have become convinced that she telling lies almost all the time now. She has a close friend, that I do not know that well, and she has taken up confiding in her, about everything including our marriage. She has been texting with the friend almost 8000, 9000 times a month. It drives me crazy. She is texting literally all the time. We are to dinner, we are watching a movie, it doesn’t matter she just keeps texting. Even when I have asked many times, and we fought many times, she does not care she just keeps it up. I have explained it makes feel like I am taking a back seat to this phone.
I know now she has lied about the texting trying to hide it because she knows it bothers me, but doesn’t want to give it up. It seems trivial to me many times when I think about it. But the truth is, I just don’t trust her. I do not suspect any infidelity or any thing like that. I just feel that the words coming out of her mouth are always a cover up for something.
This was proven when about a month ago when she was late from work. I needed to talk to her fairly urgently. I called many times to have her not call me back. I went to her business the receptionist said she had left hours ago. Now I was mad. I went home and waited. She arrives home drunk. She had gone out with this texting friend and a couple other clients. She lied to my face that she wasn’t drunk and not been drinking. Finally after a huge fight she tells the whole thing and comes clean.
Every time I start to trust she breaks it again. She tells me it is my problem and that I have no reason to distrust her.
I can not trust her! I don’t know what to do. I do not want this to be a deal breaker, but I have become very unhappy and feel it will not get any better.