A gift for recovery - 06/23/11 06:32 PM
Why you must end your self-flaggelation, for the sake of your marriage;
A related discussion from TED;
How do you open your heart and get vulnerable?
Interesting responses;
A related discussion from TED;
How do you open your heart and get vulnerable?
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Conversation: After several years of taking part and teaching courses I am more and more able to move into a state of vulnerability intentionally with the gains that Brene has listed. As an Architect and Database programmer - this is not my normal state. It seems irrational to be vulnerable. But the results are an incredible sense of inner peace and strength that I would want everyone to experience. I am so glad that this subject is getting an ever greater variety of speakers on TED. But how do you go about gaining the courage, compassion and connection that leads to vulnerability... that is powerful rather than weakness? You need to understand how your consciousness works - how to get out of your mind and into the present, examine the your blueprint that has given you both useful and less useful patterns of default behavior.
In David Christian's Big History I feel there is a clue as to why this might be important. We need to get to the next level of smartness quick - we need to look at what we are creating and why - how we connect with each other and what is the real use of our intellect. Thank you Brene for stopping from using measuring devices and starting to use a higher state of consciousness.
In David Christian's Big History I feel there is a clue as to why this might be important. We need to get to the next level of smartness quick - we need to look at what we are creating and why - how we connect with each other and what is the real use of our intellect. Thank you Brene for stopping from using measuring devices and starting to use a higher state of consciousness.
Interesting responses;
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I think vulnerability decreases as hearts open. Someone with a fully open heart would have no fear of or resistance to pain or hurt. They would see potential and limitations in themselves and others, recognize that acting from the heart might cause pain, and realize it�s worth it. Examples are Ghandi, Martin Luther King and Nelson Mandella.
You asked �How do we open our hearts?� That�s a process I�ve been exploring with my students and patients for 35 years. I believe that people who consistently strive to open their hearts recognize that love is the most important thing in life.
We become inauthentic by resisting life. The impulse to resist pain is consistently reinforced by Western culture. Resisting emotional pain is even more deeply entrenched. When we try to stop feeling, we tense various muscle groups and hold our breath. Since the limbic system (emotional center of the brain) is linked to proprioception (muscle movement), this tension inhibits the experience of emotion and provides an illusion of invulnerability as we feel less and less.
In my experience, letting go of patterns of tension takes regular practice over weeks and months. It involves learning to keep our body in a neutral position so muscles are in balance with opposing muscles and the skeleton becomes the primary means of support (we don�t have to hold ourselves up). This is called �grounding� and it involves learning to sit, stand and move with minimal muscle tension. When combined with slow rhythmic diaphragmatic breathing (this seems to stimulate the parasympathetic nervous system which inhibits muscle activation), patterns of tension are resolved. We become able to move, feel, and respond authentically.
When our bodies tense, our minds narrows focus on the negative (an adaptive reaction in a threat situation). This creates more tension which further narrows focus on the negative. These become habits of thinking and perception. They can be resolved through regular meditation and learning to clarify thoughts and perceptions. Resolving patterns of tension makes this easier.
In sum, I believe we open our hearts by (1) Restoring balance by resolving and preventing physical, mental, and emotional tension; (2) accepting pain and the threat of pain, and (3) clarifying that love is the most important thing in life. In short, Balance, Accept, and Clarify (ABC but start with B).
You asked �How do we open our hearts?� That�s a process I�ve been exploring with my students and patients for 35 years. I believe that people who consistently strive to open their hearts recognize that love is the most important thing in life.
We become inauthentic by resisting life. The impulse to resist pain is consistently reinforced by Western culture. Resisting emotional pain is even more deeply entrenched. When we try to stop feeling, we tense various muscle groups and hold our breath. Since the limbic system (emotional center of the brain) is linked to proprioception (muscle movement), this tension inhibits the experience of emotion and provides an illusion of invulnerability as we feel less and less.
In my experience, letting go of patterns of tension takes regular practice over weeks and months. It involves learning to keep our body in a neutral position so muscles are in balance with opposing muscles and the skeleton becomes the primary means of support (we don�t have to hold ourselves up). This is called �grounding� and it involves learning to sit, stand and move with minimal muscle tension. When combined with slow rhythmic diaphragmatic breathing (this seems to stimulate the parasympathetic nervous system which inhibits muscle activation), patterns of tension are resolved. We become able to move, feel, and respond authentically.
When our bodies tense, our minds narrows focus on the negative (an adaptive reaction in a threat situation). This creates more tension which further narrows focus on the negative. These become habits of thinking and perception. They can be resolved through regular meditation and learning to clarify thoughts and perceptions. Resolving patterns of tension makes this easier.
In sum, I believe we open our hearts by (1) Restoring balance by resolving and preventing physical, mental, and emotional tension; (2) accepting pain and the threat of pain, and (3) clarifying that love is the most important thing in life. In short, Balance, Accept, and Clarify (ABC but start with B).
Quote
Richard, you ask, "But how do you go about gaining the courage, compassion and connection that leads to vulnerability... that is powerful rather than weakness?" I believe this question is uniquely answered by each of us. For me it is about sharing my truths, in person, with someone I am close to, without the need for agreement, but with the desire to be seen. Bren� describes how difficult this is, so I think the starting point, the bootstrap moment, is finding the courage to do this, and to persist over time. Neural plasticity theory would say that reprogramming entrenched shame avoidance strategies could take months or years.
How to bootstrap? I consider the alternative: lack of connection and authenticity, and that motivates me. It's still hard.
And vulnerability is powerful when done appropriately. Those who don't perceive that are perhaps those with whom it is best not to share your innermost secrets. A friend of mine said, "Choose WHAT you share with WHOM and HOW." For me it's not about blabbing through a social media channel, that's a cop out. Nor do I choose to share with people that are combative, shaming or intolerant.
So I see the steps (as related to the attributes you chose) as interconnected and overlapping: exhibit courage, show compassion (for self), be vulnerable, and achieve connection. Stir and repeat.
Your journey is more, as I understand, about embracing "Big History" to give the paradigm intellectual context and meaning. I hear that and honour it, and my path differs. Hopefully we'll end up with the same result: the connection we yearn for and deserve.
How to bootstrap? I consider the alternative: lack of connection and authenticity, and that motivates me. It's still hard.
And vulnerability is powerful when done appropriately. Those who don't perceive that are perhaps those with whom it is best not to share your innermost secrets. A friend of mine said, "Choose WHAT you share with WHOM and HOW." For me it's not about blabbing through a social media channel, that's a cop out. Nor do I choose to share with people that are combative, shaming or intolerant.
So I see the steps (as related to the attributes you chose) as interconnected and overlapping: exhibit courage, show compassion (for self), be vulnerable, and achieve connection. Stir and repeat.
Your journey is more, as I understand, about embracing "Big History" to give the paradigm intellectual context and meaning. I hear that and honour it, and my path differs. Hopefully we'll end up with the same result: the connection we yearn for and deserve.