I am 1yr since DDay. FWH seems to be doing fine and appears to be working hard on fulfilling my needs, improving our relationship (as am I) and showing me that he has solid, protective, measures in place. However, I continue to struggle with the emotional trauma and triggers a great deal -- working through an enormous amount of resentment, the trust issues, and a general feeling of emotional flinching around him. I would describe the flinching as a negative, reactive, response around him, as if he were something dangerous, threatening, or hurtful -- not always, just sometimes -- even if what he is doing isn't actually any of those things,...my emotional response is that.
He doesnt like to open up (says that's just the way he is) and he continues to have reckless bouts with alcoholism. I realize I cannot fix him or force him/demand him without some emotional fallout --- that walking on eggshells feeling -- though, I have woken up to the fact that these two things have created, not only the affair, but also much of the destruction on our marriage and within our family. I was a daughter of an alcoholic and did Alanon as a teen; now, I have started to practice and learn more about dealing with it as a spouse.
I recently wrote my H a 1yr-after letter, explaining my feelings and reflections about last year and where I feel I am at, we are at, as well as the hope and gratitude I have about the opportunity to recover. I also detailed the frustrations and feelings I continue to have,...many of which, I have a difficult time talking with him about F2F, because of his reactions. If I do, ...even when I am trying, very carefully, to express myself as feelings and not DJ or AOI, he gets extremely emotional,...guilt ridden, or annoyed and irritated, feeling I'm just beating him up with my pain, hurt, or blame.
I expressed that I have accepted that I am unable to rely on him for true healing I require. I expressed that I have concluded there are many things I cannot control about his behavior,...however, they are roadblocks to a true recovery. All he can say is "I will try to do better" -- yada-yada....I no longer believe that he will. He was appreciative of my letter (responded with a loving, yet vague reply) and he initiated an UA talk that night.
I wanted to know if he knew what the true causes for the affair were and how he feels about them now,...is he sure he has a good handle on them, etc? What he had to say was stuff like..."I made a mistake",..."I've learned I am gullible and insecure and have to be more conscious about that",.."I've learned that if something seems too good to be true, it is" (referencing the affair). Somehow, none of that feels very solid to me,...he likes to talk about how weak he is, ..unsure of himself, etc,...still
I have been working on listening better, not DJ-ing, suggesting rec time, UA time, SF time,...and he does, too. Our kids, though, seem to be losing a great deal, because if I spend time with him or focus on him, they simply don't get it at all. He continues independent behavior (he's been doing a lot of working out, lately, and focusing on his weight loss efforts -- which is a good thing, but,..ugh!,...that's what he did prior to the affair). The kids are extremely disengaged with them. I have stopped trying to meddle in his relationship with them -- knowing that's his to deal with. His way of showing them love is in buying them things,...where as I know there is SO much more to fulfilling a child's needs than just maintaining a roof over their heads, food on the table, or clothes and things.
My daughter said to me the other day,..."Why don't you just divorce him, mom? We were so much happier when he wasn't around." -- ugh!
She also told me she and her brother had seen pictures of him kissing OW when they visited his condo last year. She claims she ripped a chunk out of one of them and really wanted to throw them in the trash, but knew she'd get in trouble if she did. Still,..knowing that they saw that (and I know the picture they're talking about),...makes me cringe!
All I could tell her was "it's complicated" ..and that I loved him,...and that we were continuing to try and make things better. She, of course rolls her eyes, and remarks,..."I just don't get why you would want to love a drunken jerk that treats you bad." -- Funny how kids have a way of putting things into perspective.
I was wondering if there's any advise anyone can offer me here.
Also,...
To avoid creating a new thread, I was wanting to know what your thoughts are about writing a 1yr-later letter to his siblings and parents. I feel compelled to do this, for a number of reasons.
One of the siblings is married to OW's best friend, and the affair started in an overnight at their house. She has agreed to NOT have OW around us and we have remained estranged from them (her, mostly) since DDAY. His family is very active socially (as a family) and I had thought I was very close to them until all of this. They aren't much for talking about anything (very superficial) and he fed them a lot of his side of the story while he was in his fog.... stuff like "we just grew apart",..."we no longer have anything in common",...trying to justify the affair and put the blame on me (where as all of the issues were HIM, his choice to have the affair, his inability to be confident, secure, and assertive, and what his alcoholism did to our family/marriage!). Also, I do not feel they were supportive of me or of him during the separation/divorce/affair year. Seemed they just wanted to look the other way,...even encouraged him to leave me and "be happy with the OW". Now, when we get together with them, it's extremely difficult for me emotionally. I used to feel part of the family,...now, I just feel like they view me as the mother of the grand-kids or wife of their brother....and I REALLY WISH they could hear my side of the story somehow,...my feelings and view point (in a loving and concise way),...to clear the air a bit.
I dunno.
I want to write them (especially if things don't work out with our recovery or I end up in Plan B because of his addiction -- which, they are a big part of!). But, at the same time I feel like it will either make me look worse to them or not worth the effort of trying in the first place.
What are you thoughts?
* Sorry for making this so long *
Addiction has to be fixed FIRST before you even THINK of attempting any sort of recovery. You cannot "Plan A" an addict or alcoholic. It just won't work.
I want to write them (especially if things don't work out with our recovery or I end up in Plan B because of his addiction -- which, they are a big part of!). But, at the same time I feel like it will either make me look worse to them or not worth the effort of trying in the first place.
If his family is a big part of his addiction they will probably not be receptive to a letter from you. It may appear that you are being judgemental of them and they will become defensive. Also, because they are 'blood' they may be unreceptive to hearing negative things about their kin.
I would hold off on a letter and concentrate on helping your H with his alcohol addiction. Karma is right - that's a root problem that has to be dealt with before you can go forward. Alcohol addiction doesn't belong only to the drunk. The whole family is mired in a drunk's addiction. It was sad to read this:
,..."I just don't get why you would want to love a drunken jerk that treats you bad."
No child should have to say that about their father.
I apologize if I missed it, but has he taken any steps toward ending this addiction?
My daughter said to me the other day,..."Why don't you just divorce him, mom? We were so much happier when he wasn't around." -- ugh!
All I could tell her was "it's complicated" ..and that I loved him,...and that we were continuing to try and make things better. She, of course rolls her eyes, and remarks,..."I just don't get why you would want to love a drunken jerk that treats you bad." -- Funny how kids have a way of putting things into perspective.
You love a drunken jerk who treats you badly, just not all the time. The times he is not treating you badly are the shards of the life preserver to which you cling. Such as:
"He's not always this mean. Sometimes he's sweet. And he's sorry he acts this way."
Am I close?
"It's complicated" .... as a response to DD's open and honest (and desperate) appeal for sanity in the home ..... pretty pathetic Daisy. Pretty pathetic. You look weak and ineffective to your children. They are also painfully aware that your need to keep the addicted spouse has priority over their need for a non-chaotic home where they can feel safe to NOT WALK ON EGGSHELLS every day.
I am tough on you, I know.
That mirror you look into needs a good cleaning.
>>> windex application <<<Tolerating H's addiction/abuse does not make you noble when you fail to keep sane boundaries in your home.
I was wondering if there's any advise anyone can offer me here.
Sure ....
((((( Daisy )))))I have an opinion.
If it comes off as "advice" .... take it or leave it Daisy dear.
Plan B.
Prepare yourself well for Plan B within a month.
And furthermore, do not break plan B without 100% agreement to all your terms/conditions.
Meanwhile ..... back at the ranch.
Do not pre-warn H about the countdown to Plan B.
You behave as yourself, a loving wife worthy of any sane & sober man with decent morals & values.
You do not fight/argue/beg/plea/preach/cry/pout/teach/or give off body language that gives away your inner feelings .... you exist in your own peaceful head bubble.
And, you prepare financially.
You prepare emotionally.
You arm yourself with an army of faithful supporters.
You line up an IM.
You speak to a family law attorney to know your rights/responsibilities.
You start writing your Plan B letter.
Write up your terms/conditions for continuing the marriage.
These are the extraordinary precautions which are non-negotiable.
In fact, I doubt you will do this.
But, you did ask for advice.
...he continues to have reckless bouts with alcoholism.
Because your husband is in love with alcohol, he will not take your feelings into account when he has an opportunity to drink. He goes to a bar after work, when he knows it will upset you. Then, doesn't come home for dinner, upsetting you further. He may call, telling you where he is, thinking he has made an incredible effort to be considerate. Finally, at 3:00 in the morning, he comes home drunk. The next day he wants you to forget about it.
Your husband is not willing to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement when it comes to his alcohol addiction, and for that reason alone, my concepts are difficult to apply to your situation.
Why would anyone want to put up with an alcoholic husband? It's usually because he or she keeps holding out hope, as you have, that some day the addiction will be over. But as you become older, and the best years of your life seem to be behind you, a feeling of hopelessness will grip you, and a deep and pervasive depression caused by the destructive behavior of your alcoholic spouse will overcome you.
If you want to remain married to your husband, and avoid depression at the same time, I highly recommend that you do something other than hold out hope for his recovery. I suggest that you attend an Alanon support group (it is listed in the white pages of your telephone directory). You will learn what co-dependency is and how you've been co-dependent all these years. Then you will learn not to be co-dependent. For your situation, I support Alanon enthusiastically in their efforts.
You must learn to regard your husband as hopelessly lost to his alcohol, and that any effort you make to try to please him will not be reciprocated. His lover will always be alcohol and that's that. You have never had a chance for a normal marriage with him and never will have a chance as long as he's addicted.
The Co-dependency movement rightfully acknowledges that emotional needs cannot be consistently met by an alcoholic spouse, nor can someone meet an alcoholic's needs. It's also hopeless to try to "fix" alcoholic spouses. They either fix themselves, or they don't get fixed. With these realities in mind, if you want to remain married to an alcoholic, you must learn to raise emotional defenses in order to survive the pain of the marriage.
The training you receive in Alanon will teach you how to be emotionally withdrawn from a husband who does not have your best interests at heart. But if you were to have married someone without an addiction, the same advice could ruin your marriage because you would be encouraged to withdraw from a man who actually could have met your needs.
In your case, however, your husband cannot, and will not meet your emotional needs, and you will never be able to meet his, until he becomes sober. So if you want to remain married to an alcoholic, you may have no other choice but to accept the advice of the co-dependency movement and be emotionally withdrawn from him. Alanon is a good place to learn how to do that.
Daisy, if you decide you are STRONG enough for Plan B ... or even if you just want to learn more about Plan B ....
Mosey over to
This thread and just join in, asking questions for clarity, or for support.
But Daisy, do not
"try to" 
or
"attempt to" Plan B.
Prepare to execute Plan B with all your strength and power.
<~~~ Actual photo of a MB Plan B'er in action !!!!!
Thread discussing
EPs EXTRAORDINARY PRECAUTIONS
Not negotiable.
Why?
Because they are not some sort of punishment.
They are protective compensations that any
really repentant wayward will gladly do in order to stay married to a spouse they honor and cherish.
Frightened/desperate BS's are too needy to set these boundaries.
Excellent advise. I appreciate all of it -- even the stuff that makes me wince and want to give additional explanations, such as; he's the sole bread-winner, he holds an excellent job, isn't constantly drunk (only sloppy and/or angry drunk at random times), in between he's generally a good husband and father,..blah, blah, blah. My daughter's remark about him "treating me bad" had to do with the affair -- which is done, as of a year ago.
I DO know the ramifications of all of this. The affair was a major wake up call,...as well as my daughter's (and also my son's) attitudes about him, his affair, his addictions, and our family life in general.
I am already preparing for a possible Plan B. And,..yes,..I am now thinking that letter to share my side of the story with his parents and family is a bad idea. However,...I was figuring I would need to include them in a Plan B and issues surrounding it, when and if, that time comes. I wouldnt be seeking them to side with me,..just be filled in.
Because of the painful recovery of the affair, I have chosen NOT to be demanding about the addiction issue. As I mentioned, I have been working hard on my own recovery,...and toward my independence. I feel it's imperative to take that one day at a time. I was in NO condition (emotionally or financially) to go through with the divorce last year,..at the rate it was going, and with him involved in a relationship with a person I considered very dangerous to me, our finances, our children, etc. That had to be dealt with and I was glad that it was. Now,..that leaves the drinking issue to tackle.
I have been involving myself more with Alanon,...and what that entails (as I mentioned).
Working up the stability in myself, getting myself back (emotionally) from the affair, continuing to be the stable one, in charge of the domestics and kids' needs, getting on my feet and independent financially (and confidently), with or without him, is where I am going with this. THEN, I will have the green light for a Plan B and/or start making demands for treatment or we're done.
I am well aware that we are not truly in recovery, or even close to being on track with a healthy marriage unless that happens.
Thank you for your feedback. I appreciate it immensely!
In reply to martialbliss,...No. He has NEVER taken lengthy steps to cure his addiction. He had to go thru a one-day program after a DWI about 6 years ago - that was it. I think he stayed "sober" for about three months after that, then went right back to "normal".
During the affair, I spouted a lot of stuff at him about the addition. Including, telling him GET in AA if he still wants to be married to me. He refused,...of course. A no go for him. He just viewed as "unreasonable demands",..or AO and DJ.
During the affair, I spouted a lot of stuff at him about the addition. Including, telling him GET in AA if he still wants to be married to me. He refused,...of course. A no go for him. He just viewed as "unreasonable demands",..or AO and DJ.
I said something similar.
"AA or I'm out of here."
Only, I was not making a threat.
I was speaking my truth.
Cliff notes to my "story"
I don't have any advice or answers. I do I know what you're speaking of, S&M. I describe it as a cut that's been scarred over,....still twinges when you touch it, and lacks feeling; a numb area compared to the rest of you. But, you also remember how it used to feel before the cut.
Thank you for the links, BH. I've read the Just Compensation (my FWH, too). However, it's just not in my H's ability to do it. He claims he's 'just not able to',..too weak,...gives up too easily,...perceives it as punishment. What do the Harley's say about that?
Meanwhile,...I accept what I can and can't change and live with it, scar and all. It is what it is. It's still better than divorce for me right now: the pros still outweigh the cons --- the grass isn't greener -- and there's still a lot to be grateful for.
Daisy I saw you posted this on another thread and didn't want to t/j that thread.
Did your WH ever get into AA? Did you go to ALANON?
Dr. H talks about addictions here.
Radio Clip on Addictions Segment #2
No, BH,.. he refuses to get treatment, refuses to acknowledge he has a problem (thinks DJ if I go there),... he's depressed, but claims he can handle it "on his own". His father just passed,.... and he really needs help, but won't do it.
I've done Alanon and we currently have my teen DD in counseling. He went for a time, but stopped going and refuses to talk about anything in that counseling about the drinking or the affair (all matters affecting our Dd &DS).
I know what MB has to say about all of this. My marriage is in the can and won't recover unless he gets help. So, all I can do now is get strong enough financially to be ok with or without him and heal on my own Though, I have worked/working, I have been financially dependent on him our whole 20yrs of marriage. He makes (and can make) 6x what I can for the same hours, time, effort and he is NOT (and never has been) helpful at home,....all house, kids, bills, domestics, shopping, etc has been up to me to do,.... if he helps, it's extremely rare and only if he's trying to gain "bedroom bonus points" of some kind. He doesn't appreciate how hard I've worked to keep things running smooth and successful on the home front... he only sees that I haven't contributed financially. I'm just a dollar sign +/- I guess.
I've had interviews, lately for well paying positions, so I may be very close to breaking out of the situation Im in. When I'm away the same hours, his solution to the domestics is "delegate to the kids",...sure, but what does he have plans for? He says he has plans to get a lower paying "dream job" so he can have more time for his "leisure and well-being".
Sorry,....for going on. Dependent life on a FWH whose an alcoholic sucks. But, my goal now is to get OUT of my own dependency, so I can stop feeling controlled by it. He has NO idea how much hurt and controlling cruelty his addictions/affair have caused to me, our marriage, our family. NONE! But, I believe eventually he will. But, by then, it will be too late!
I'm sorry for your pain Daisy.
You know MB is not a marriage at all costs?
Can you afford some sessions with the coaching center? He would have to pay you CS.
What about at least writing MBRADIO?
You know Plan B would help you heal?
"You know MB is not a marriage at all costs?" - BH
I'm not thinking of it that way. Since the affair and his refusal to make changes and eliminating the things that created the affair (addiction, irresponsibility, lack of boundaries, independent behaviors, selfishness and emotional detachment). No - I do not feel safe staying married to him. Yes - I have informed him of my needs and he's aware of what he needs to do for us to recover -- but, he refuses to do it,...claims he's "just too weak", ..blah-blah-blah.
"You know Plan B would help you heal?" - BH
Plan B,...I did. Separate living, ...I did. D and child visitations,...I did.
The pros don't outweigh the cons for me in Plan B. Yes, I feel like a single mother already (and have for many years), but it's better financially if I don't and less likely he will "fall" into the arms of someone he thinks "cares about him more" if I opt to not Plan B for now -- it's very risky.
I will Plan B ONLY when I KNOW I'm ready to go it alone. I seriously don't think it will matter one bit to him whatever ultimatums I put out there. He'll just see it as freedom for "ME" time: enjoying his married paramour-with-an-agenda, not having to worry about the kids except for random weekends, more time to do his own thing, be selfish and go to the bars.
When I cease being financially dependent on him I DO plan to Plan B. I have it all worked out. But, only then. I have to be emotionally ready (to go through the split as a sure thing) and have a job with stability -- one that can pay my mortgage, cover healthcare,...and assist with lawyer fees.
In the meantime, I'm using this time wisely and I'm being VERY strategic about it. I'm working on healthy self-care and rebuilding my confidence. I'm learning new skills, I'm hitting the job hunt with determination toward raising the bar (no more fiddle jobs, spending too much time and making too little). I'm finalizing work for my freelance clients, preparing to let them go in good shape.
Plan B puts everything in chaos if I do it before I get my ducks in order. Relying on his financial "stability" (nor previously considered, integrity, commitment and or generally honesty and trusting stability) to keep us afloat is NOT in my best interest anymore.
I'm working on digging myself out from a mess created by being dependent on a FWH, alcoholic, in a so-called MLC. His moods, likes, dislikes, interests, behavior, temperament,..all changed drastically just prior to the affair and since.
His idea of UA? drinking
His idea of recreation? drinking, drinking and more drinking
His idea of DJ and lack of admiration -- when I object to the drinking
There's not much I do for the marriage unless he gets help and treatment,...and that doesn't look like it's gunna happen, according to him.
I have to get myself stable for my own and for the kids. Plan B will happen when I know I can stand on my own and I'm determined to make that happen, whether he gets treatment or not.
So you are getting ready for Plan B, correct?
When is your launch date? You have your IM? Finances?
I'm worried about your immune system. You need to be in Plan B.
How can we help coach you?
Can you afford Steve Harley?
BH, your worry is understandable. However, I actually have very (no, -- Great) supportive friends and family. I've gotten stronger and healthier -- much -- since the trauma/PTS year of 2010. I had a personal counselor at that time and now counseling through my DD's therapist as well.
I'm doing good by seeing the matter as taking control of life, my future, and my kids' health and well being. He may still live here and keep our finances in good shape for now,..and I'm appreciative. But, my focus is no longer on fixing him, or our marriage (which rests on HIS shoulders right now).
I've known since the first DDAY that I can't rely on him to help me heal...he can't even be honest with himself, let alone honest with me. And, I've gotten over the feeling that he caused all of this and turned the affair/addiction trauma it into a healthy new (financially independent) goal/direction for me,...for my own good. -- which takes away a lot of the sense/feeling I've been victimized/burdened by it. It's a good thing.
My immunity/emotional health got a whole lot better once I realized he has all the tools and knowledge, but chooses not to get better. That's his job not mine. He knows I don't like it, he knows how it hurts us, but chooses to anyway,...claiming he's "too weak",...refuses help,...and just spirals more. My pressuring him (even with Plan B) isn't gunna solve anything.
I have considered the Harley's counseling, but what are they gunna tell me that I don't already know?
Unless you haven't guessed, there's no leverage in a Plan B for betterment of a marriage/addiction treatment with my H; he doesn't want to get help, denies he needs it, ...and would only see Plan B as release from having to be a responsible husband and father.
Plan B is for YOU.
To heal from all his drama and his unhealthiness.
Coaching with the Harleys will help you get a Plan to get to Plan B. Even with kids you can parallel parent with him.
You're the person Dr. H talks about when he says Plan B is for BW so she doesn't have immune problems, which you've already experienced.
(((Daisy)))
Oh, and yes,...I have an IM (more than one that have agreed to do it, when needed). I have studied the Plan B plan according to MB and I have it well planned out.
Once I have a secure, good paying job -- no longer needing to rely on his income to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table -- then it's show time for a strong Plan B,...with conviction. No more fear, no more expecting good things will come from him, and no more ambivalence.
Until I have that, it's a no go. I have to be completely OUT from under his financial control going into it.
You will apply for CS, right?
Good luck on your job interview. When is it again?
Right,..but, you're missing the part where I state that it's NOT better to go into Plan B for me. The pros don't outweigh the cons. I've thought it through....and I've already been there, before.
1) who knows who he's sleeping with
2) it stresses our finances
3) he drinks more, does even more reckless things while I'm still dependent on him
4) more stressful for the kids being shuffled around(more chaos for them than less) -- and having issues with both me and with him over the separation and not speaking to each other
5) issues arise over family and friends hearing different sides of the story,..or caught in the middle
6) lawyer fees to manage financial injunction and visitations
7) having to rely on an IM person to work out all of the details between us about kids/finances/lawyers
All of this I don't have to worry about right now.
That doesn't mean that I'm not working on my own well-being or my kids' -- I am! I'm just doing it in a place that feels comfortable to me right now. This day-to-day I know. I know it like clock-work,...no surprises, no unsettling weirdness. It's perfect for working on myself and working toward the goal of financial independence and healthier life/future for my own benefit,..strength and well-being.
I've had my interviews,..just waiting to hear back on them. I've been doing this a while, though, the latest ones have been really promising regarding the pay and the skills I have.
CS -- yes. + alimony, retirement, SS. Sure,...
Thing is, though,...it's not safe to rely on that option as a fail safe at this point; even if he does have the ability to make 6x what I might be able to earn. He's a loose cannon to me now.
And,..the financial thing is a means of control/power plays. I'd rather not assume his CS will take care of anything. It's only going to supplement, a small,..minimal,....amount that the court says he HAS to pay based on his income.
So you think it would be a waste of time to call the coaching center?
At this point, yes. He's not on board for counseling of any kind (I've tried) -- and he's in denial.
I'm taken care of on the counseling front, self-care, and the plan B plan at this point. I've done my research. All I need now is financial independence and then I can stand tall, strong, and fearless in it.
I have to say,..the financial dependency thing REALLY hit me HARD in the prev Plan B,...separation, filing D (and D on hold). I've learned from that.
There's nothing----NOTHING ---more cruel than to tell your wife (proving it, day-in-day-out) for years upon years that you will take care of everything financially, discourage her from working FT so she can take care of all the domestics and the kids, and then,...BAM! You repeatedly cheat, lie, and abandon her,...KNOWING FULL WELL that you have all the power to make her desolate, if you choose to.
The year of the affair, it was down right awful the things and ways he resorted to with the financial power game at the root of the knife twisting. My future, the kids' futures,..all hanging in the balance of being ok or being basically homeless at his whim -- or the OW's fiendish agenda!
I seriously don't think there's anything more cruel.
Oh, my! I just read this and felt I ought share it here. THIS is EXACTLY what we had -- no question!
ARTICLE: When a Woman is a Vulture and Your Man the Prey
http://redredapples.wordpress.com/2011/05/01/when-a-woman-is-a-vulture-and-your-man-the-prey/
Update on me, in case you're wondering:
- I am still looking for the FT job (with good pay and benefits). It appears to be nearing closer every week. Though, I am having to do a LOT of interviews, applications, and phone conversations/contacts with very little result. I am optimistic, though; with each one I learn more, gain confidence, and make connections to expand my network.
- FWH has been caught LYING (either blatantly or by omission) and denying it, if confronted with questions. Though, I haven't revealed my source of how I know he's lying, I have told him I do not feel it's safe, or that I CANNOT trust him to the degree he wishes I could. He's frustrated with me on that topic, but I have my reasons. I KNOW he can't be.
- FHW continues to drink and pursue self-gratifying interests and time away from home. He doesn't make me/family a priority despite what I have explained to him I feel is a reasonable boundary/need for a healthy relationship/family.
- FWH is not on board for a POJA and has said he PREFERS to go out, have his interests and drinking time to being with me or the family. Though, he often tells me he would rather I join him (occasionally, I have, however, he likes to manipulate, or push the envelope, in his favor,...so, I usually don't). I've requested we do more non-drinking activities, which goes on deaf ears.
- At this point, FWH is extremely frustrated with me for not leaning into his addition, or needs. I refuse to ride the emotional roller coaster anymore. Instead, I am civil, kind, interested, sharing, and intimate with him, but with limits that I hold firm. And, thus, he doesn't like it.
- I maintain a healthy environment for the kids. I seek out support. I continue to be a source strength, responsibility, integrity, and healing (away from dependency and co-dependency) for my well-being, our home, family, and the kids.
- still waiting on the gainfully employed moment to cut the cord.
Here's a radio clip on liars. Tell us what you think.
Radio clip on liars
So you will be going into Plan B?
Thank you for the radio clip.
Regarding Plan B-- I'm ready emotionally, but not financially....., yet.
Though, nearly a week ago, I was THIS CLOSE to doing it. So,...it may happen sooner than I would like it too; meaning,....before I am financially ready. I'd rather not do that, if I can help it.
I see a theriapist with my daughter (specializes in dealing with alcoholism and parental issues), who has been a major support. She agrees, its best if I hold my boundaries firm while living with him and not kick him out, or change the locks, until I am ready to take care of things financially on my own (as I am striving for). I will also need to prepare for the HIGHLY probable legal journey. Plan B will be more like Plan D, at that point. No more messing around.
I should add,...I have NOT threatened it, nor mentioned it to him. I'm pretty sure it will be a BIG surprise when it happens.
Though,...you'd THINK it wouldnt be a surprise after how many times I've explained that I don't feel safe, why, and in what ways I wish to see proof of consistent change in order for us to have a healthy,...happy,...recovered marriage and family.
Though,...you'd THINK it wouldnt be a surprise after how many times I've explained that I don't feel safe, why, and in what ways I wish to see proof of consistent change in order for us to have a healthy,...happy,...recovered marriage and family.
He won't get into treatment at all?
How are you holding up? This has got too be affecting your health and your kids? How is your self care?
No - he won't.
It's difficult to explain, but I have managed to float my own boat (with lots of support) while remaining in the marriage. Not unlike any spouse married to an addict (who is fully aware of the addicted person's behavior and patterns) and CHOOSES not stand on the emotional roller coaster with them. The key is NOT to get emotionally wrapped up into the hurtful and cruel things the addicted spouse does. It takes strength and practice. It's not optimum, but it DOES work when you(I) have said your peace, drawn the line in the sand, and the rest is up to them to make the effort towards improvement and change.
I have ceased pressing expectations upon him, getting on him, trying to fix him, or educate him any further. He KNOWS we won't have a healthy marriage, family,...nor recover from the affair if he remains addicted and pursues self-gratifying time away from the family. He's READ the MB info,...he's watched the videos. He KNOWS! And he continues to CHOOSE that over making us/me a priority in his life.
I have already gone through the hardest part --- GRIEVING the marriage --- with the affair, gas lighting, lies, attempts to make a better marriage with him (doing my part), the separation, D papers/hold, etc.
I have new goals now. I'm building a better foundation for myself -- and for the kids.
I enjoy what I can enjoy with what I have to work with. And, the pros of staying in the marriage (in the same house with him) still outweigh the cons --- financially, for the most part. It also keeps him (somewhat) in the thick of it,...having SOME responsibilities to the family, kids, marriage, and home. I don't plan to offer him up on a silver platter to an AP/OW UNLESS I am able to be financially okay.
Basically, the ball is in his court and he's choosing not to play.
So, while he sits on the sidelines, I'm getting ever stronger with the training and practice I am doing....running circles around him. He can get up off the bench anytime (I'd be thrilled!), but I'm NOT sitting around waiting for it.
I'm gonna be pro on a new team before too long,...and it'll be his loss.
I think your story explains better than anything why Dr. Harley says to separate with addicts until they get it under control.
God's speed to you. I do hope your job and finances allows you to get into Plan B/D soon so you can really begin to heal.