tricks and timelines: your best recovery advice?

My WW and I are solidly in recovery now, and MB has given us a lot of positive feeling back. We're happier now than we were for months before the A, and it's definitely snowballing.

But that doesn't mean it's easy. She still has occasional thoughts to push away, and I am troubled daily by surges of mind movies, anger, and resentment.

What were your tricks to get through recovery? How did you process the normal feelings of anger, betrayal, guilt etc and move on? How long did it take for you? I'm sure any advice you can offer to help get through each day would be helpful to many here.

Originally Posted by lostexpat

My WW and I are solidly in recovery now, and MB has given us a lot of positive feeling back. We're happier now than we were for months before the A, and it's definitely snowballing.

But that doesn't mean it's easy. She still has occasional thoughts to push away, and I am troubled daily by surges of mind movies, anger, and resentment.

What were your tricks to get through recovery? How did you process the normal feelings of anger, betrayal, guilt etc and move on? How long did it take for you? I'm sure any advice you can offer to help get through each day would be helpful to many here.

I am by far NOT the model here... I was still dealing with it 3 years in... Not to the same degree as 2 years in or 2 months in... It just took hard work and time.

One thing I did was try and identify "trigger times". When was I triggered the most? What times of day and what major events and things (anniversaries, holidays, music, places, etc...)

I had to avoid certain things for a good while.

Originally Posted by lostexpat

But that doesn't mean it's easy. She still has occasional thoughts to push away,

Use them as opportunities to talk positively. "honey, why are you feeling like pulling away? What can I do to help?

CV

Thanks for the replies CV. For you, was it particular times of day? States of mind? For example, Ifind I get a swell at about 11pm. When I'm tired and/or hungry it's much more likely to crop up.

I forgot to mention the mantra that has gotten me this far: I'm here because of who she is TODAY. No one can change the past, but she is doing everything she can to change the future.

But basically, I find that when I feel the swell coming, there's nothing I can do but ride it out. It takes about 30-45 minutes, and then it goes away on its own.

Originally Posted by lostexpat

Thanks for the replies CV. For you, was it particular times of day? States of mind? For example, Ifind I get a swell at about 11pm. When I'm tired and/or hungry it's much more likely to crop up.

yes. I had 3 particular trigger times. Lunch time when they used to meet together, between 4 and 5 when they met after work and then again as it got later and I got more and more tired. The more rest I got, the better I was able to manage triggers. We developed a habit of talking to each other whenever we could during these times to reassure me that she was safe and not engaging in monkey business. Food was never considered, as I barely ate the first 2 months.

They "seemed" to hit out of nowhere sometimes, but as time went on, I found out it wasn't true. For me it was something as innocent as a light snow or rain... Something I had associated with the affair. I asked for all kinds of insane details of the A.... What was the weather like, was it dusk, temperature, did you have the heater running in the car, what colors did you wear for him... Some of it was really stupid stuff, but I was kinda crazed after finding out. I think in some ways it helped form some triggers or make them stronger and in some ways helped me identify them better. If that makes any sense.

I forgot to mention the mantra that has gotten me this far: I'm here because of who she is TODAY. No one can change the past, but she is doing everything she can to change the future.

I think we all develop mantras to get through... Mine was from a sermon title of one of my very first sermons... Remember the past, look to the future. I think it is still kind of a theme in my life and you can probably see it in my posts.

But basically, I find that when I feel the swell coming, there's nothing I can do but ride it out. It takes about 30-45 minutes, and then it goes away on its own.

dealing with triggers is basically memory management... I can't remember who posted this link originally, maybe Neverguessed or maritalbliss? Ugh. old age is creeping on me. Anyway, it helped me understand them better and thus manage them better. Feelings are stored with memory in the brain, and they hit about 90-120 seconds into thinking about something. That gives you about a minute to a minute and a half to prep and redirect a trigger. For me, it means/meant redirecting my thoughts, forcing myself to think of something else that will not trigger me. It has also made me aware of what I am unconsciously thinking about. Here's the link if you are interested.

http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/Emotional%20Memory.html

CV

I be no means have been able to master the heat of the anger when it washes up on me but recently I read of someone who, when the anger starts to flow, will simply hug or kiss his wife and tell her he's going thru a bad moment right now and loves her.

Ive been trying that lately.

I trigger a lot more when I am alone. I don't trigger much when H is home or we are together.

If you're a praying person, prayer helps a lot when you trigger - or memorized bible verses that provide comfort. Or - a few good inspirational quotes can also serve that purpose.

As I just stated in another thread, I trigger more when I am feeling down on myself. I'm not sure if it's because I feel (somewhere deep down) that if only I had been perfect that none of this would've happened...or what. So, I also find that if I start to trigger I need to look at how I feel about me.

Of course, making sure H and I are following the MB program can also give a glimpse of why I might be triggering. Sometimes just doing something - anything - towards the good of the marriage when a trigger hits is helpful.

Originally Posted by lostexpat

What were your tricks to get through recovery?

We did some things quite out of our pre-discovery routine.

We prayed together at least once a day.
We read aloud to each other at night.
(Not marriage books. Books that were otherwise interesting. Then, we discussed what we read.)
We took long walks together.
We showered together.
We turned off the television and talked.

We read the same marriage books, but separately.
We each used a different colored highlighter.
We could see what the other found interesting/important/notable/memorable.
We wrote notes in the book margins as well.

Dude, http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/Emotional%20Memory.html is fantastic for me. That 90 second rule really helps! It's made a big difference to my ability to dodge waves before they come.

I talked to my wife the other night about a feeling I have, like it's too easy. Like we don't deserve to be this happy: either she doesn't deserve to come back to a positive, happy relationship like this so easily, or I'm just lying to myself about it all. She has the same feeling sometimes, like a guilt for when the recovery is going well. But as she put it, we're not recovered yet by a long shot. We both still face waves, negative emotions, and memories that we are fighting. And, as she put it, look at us now: it's 4am and we can't sleep. Clearly we're still working through this. It's not easy at all! But just because we aren't at each other's throats or yelling at each other, threatening to leave at the drop of a hat, that little voice says "it's too easy!" How weird the voices in our heads are!

Originally Posted by lostexpat

Dude, http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/Emotional%20Memory.html is fantastic for me. That 90 second rule really helps! It's made a big difference to my ability to dodge waves before they come.

I talked to my wife the other night about a feeling I have, like it's too easy. Like we don't deserve to be this happy: either she doesn't deserve to come back to a positive, happy relationship like this so easily, or I'm just lying to myself about it all. She has the same feeling sometimes, like a guilt for when the recovery is going well. But as she put it, we're not recovered yet by a long shot. We both still face waves, negative emotions, and memories that we are fighting. And, as she put it, look at us now: it's 4am and we can't sleep. Clearly we're still working through this. It's not easy at all! But just because we aren't at each other's throats or yelling at each other, threatening to leave at the drop of a hat, that little voice says "it's too easy!" How weird the voices in our heads are!

I am so glad it helped... Part of the genius of the MB program is simply what you write... it really is that easy.

CV

Originally Posted by celticvoyager

I am so glad it helped... Part of the genius of the MB program is simply what you write... it really is that easy.

CV

I should clarify... It's easy in the respect of making deposits in the LB, not making DJ, etc... not the emotional fallout of it.