It's been almost 5 years since I found out about my husband's 1.5-2 year affair. My original post from 2010 can be found here: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2439991&page=1

Things got a little better for a while due to counseling, but now it seems all that counseling didn't yield any results. It's like we're going around in circles. A big part of counseling was to practice physical & emotional connection, which isn't happening here. So I get angry and short with him (he found energy to spend tons of time with OW, including weekly sex, but none of that for me). He thinks I'm rude and angry, so he stays away from me, and so on. When I try to get closer to him (a hug, asking to go out), there's nothing in response. I'm about done begging him for love & attention. He's a good father and helps around the house a lot, but marriage isn't a business contract. I never thought I'd say this, but I'm about ready to give up and ask for divorce. The only thing that stops me if my children. They ADORE their father! Help!

P.S. I apologize in advance... I know you'll give me lots of great advice, but I realize that he has to be involved too. However, I can't keep telling him what he could do to help the situation. He should know it by now with all the counseling, etc.. But it seems that he thinks that being a good husband is limited to not having an affair anymore and helping with the kids/house. He doesn't seem to understand why it's not good enough. I realize I sound like "the taker" and not "the giver", but like I've said, if I try to "give" - it doesn't seem to be needed. I'm tired.

Why don't you use Marriage Builders? Counseling is extremely ineffective whereas Marriage Builders has a very high rate of success. Marriage counselors don't have the slightest idea how to save a marriage.


Are you doing things to push him away? Is your time alone with him pleasant and enjoyable for him?

All he wants to do with me is watch TV. We watch something on TV every single night. We have a more flexible schedule in the mornings in the summer, so I asked him to go out to breakfast the other day, he said no. Later he said it wasn't because he didn't want to go out with me... it was because of the restaurant I chose. We do family things, such as hiking, etc, but no really meaningful "alone" time.

He says I push him away because he feels my resentment due to the affair, but at this point it's not the affair that bothers me. It's his indifference towards me, which I told him about. So it's a vicious cycle.

P.S. I'd be happy to follow any plan, including MB, but like I've said, he won't go for anything. I've watched a program the other day and I thought some small portion from it was useful and this is what I got in response: "funny how you can accept wisdom from some idiotic reality show."

If he is going to spend time with you, it needs to be pleasant and enjoyable or he won't want to be with you. And your marriage will never recover unless you do.

My suggestion would be to accept that do-it-yourself has not worked for you and sign up for the MB online course. You have been struggling along with no plan for years. Maybe its time to get professional, qualified help that can really make a difference.

And if you can't do that, then you really need to try actually using this program. This program has transformed the marriages of so many of us on this forum. I don't understand why you won't use it. Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?

I read "Surviving an Affair" years ago. Again, HE won't read anything and definitely won't sign up for any course. This is the problem. I don't know how to save our marriage alone.

If he won't engage, then I would get phone counseling from Steve Harley and see if he can persuade him to do the online program with you. I would imagine your husband thinks this is hopeless since nothing has ever worked. You spent your one shot on a useless marriage counselor who has no idea how to save marriages so your H has no faith in marriage programs. On the other hand, if he spoke to Steve Harley, he could give him an actual PLAN that will help your husband get what he wants in marriage.

People buy things when there is a percieved benefit. Your husband is not going to buy into this unless he sees a benefit. So far there has been no benefit whatsoever from his participation in marriage counseling. Steve Harley can show him how he stands to benefit the most.

And if that doesn't work, Dr Harley recommends you separate from him. When to Call It Quits - Part 2

I just think the basic problem here is that he has never been presented with a plan that would benefit him. People don't buy things with no perceived benefit. Most men HATE counseling and all that nonsense because there is no benefit.

But many men do react well to an actual step by step ACTION plan that has a goal and that will benefit them personally.

He needs to be presented with that plan.

Interestingly enough, it was my husband who found us that counselor. And we agreed back then that she was helpful. It's just once again I feel that my H stopped following the counselor's advice and that's when things got worse.

Thank you for the information. I'll look into it. But again, I don't see myself asking my H to follow some program because he'll just laugh at me.

I suspect the reason he stopped following it was because it did not benefit him. If it had, he wouldn't have stopped doing it. The things he was doing were a sacrifice and people will only sacrifice for so long and then they stop. If he had followed a plan that worked to his BENEFIT he would not have stopped it. People obviously don't stop things they enjoy doing. That is how this plan differs.


I am not suggesting that you ask him, but that you let Steve Harley do that. You don't need your husband 's cooperation to set up an appointment with Steve Harley. You can speak to him alone the first time and let him tell you how to persuade your H to get on the phone with him. Then once he gets on the phone with Steve, he can sell him on this plan.