This is my first time posting but I have been on this site since early this year. My wife had an affair for six months with a co-worker which I discovered over a year ago. I exposed to the guys wife the night I found out. The affair is over. Recovery has been slow. I am just beginning to see the value in not ranting about the affair a couple times a day. I am posting now because I need help with a specific situation.

My wife had been in the habit of going to lunch with guys at the office for years. This habit has been killed as part of her extraordinary precautions (although I do not think it is extraordinary). Now I am her lunch date.

One of the guys she went to lunch with was definitely hunting for an affair when they were lunching. This was years ago. My wife ended the lunch dating with him when he moved to another office and it became an effort to lunch with him. She ran into this guy at the grocery store yesterday and he was pushing for going to lunch. He wanted to catch up on old times. There were no old times except taking my wife to lunch hoping to get some tail.

Anyway, my wife told me about the encounter. She is not interested in lunching with this guy. I'd say she was turned on by the encounter because she was very frisky last night. Maybe that was just because she felt she owned me something and I am just being cynical.

I am looking for advise on what to do with this situation. I feel like exposure is necessary to this guys wife. He is obviously actively looking for some fun outside of his marriage. I could use some help composing the message. How much do I go into the lunches and how I see his behavior and the grocery store encounter.

Your perspective on this will be appreciated.

Welcome.

What have you done to affair proof your marriage?

A married woman should not be lunching with a man alone. What are her boundaries?

Do you know this man's wife? I'm not sure she will see the risk to her marriage as you do, unfortunately. Most people don't unless they have been affected by infidelity. I'm all for educating the masses, though.

I think what you say to the wife depends on how well you know her, if at all. Were you going to contact her by mail or email?

It sounds like you would really benefit by getting help with your own marriage recovery and following the program. While it is natural to go through stages of anger and cynicism in all of this, it's important to work through it correctly so that your marriage can be better than it has ever been before - which is truly the only way to recovering after an affair.

We can help you and your wife with that!

Okay, you have somewhat of a mixed bag here.

Her "availability index" is still high enough to attract this scum-bucket. That needs some work. It might also be that scum-bucket cares not a bit about her "No Trespassing" signs, and requires an advisory visit by the landlord, aka: YOU.

Reviewing the EPs in place is a maintenance operation, always subject to adjustment according to new events. "Spilling coffee on Mr Sleazy at every meeting" would be near one end of the spectrum, just this side of "Contacting his SO and asking her to daily pack his lunch so he won't have that as an excuse to troll for affair-prone females".

On the other hand, not only did she NOT accept his sleazy "Lunch, followed by Nooner" invitation, she told you about it forthwith. I do hope you expressed your appreciation on that ACTION on her part (besides the recreational evening participation you indicated!)

Hi, LD,

You might want to change your name. If you ever post here again, you might not want it to be a constant reminder of this painful memory from your past.

Since your wife was contacted by the other man, Dr. Harley would say her "clock" will be reset on withdrawal. In a sense recovery starts over. So it is going to be very important to make sure that no such contact ever happens again, for life. Does she still work with this man at all? Is there any way you guys can move to a different town? There needs to be a bigger wall to prevent contact, because it is going to be an offense to you every time it happens.

I would definitely let the other man's wife know. I would call her so you know that any letter / email / text message you send is not intercepted, so you can know you are talking to her personally. And I would tell her "Your husband had an affair with my wife. They used to date by going to lunch together. She has broken off the affair, but I wanted to let you know that he saw her yesterday and was asking her to lunch again." Then I'd offer to answer any questions she has.

I'd let her know again each time contact occurred.

LD, have you seen Dr. Harley's video on infidelity?

[video:youtube]m8QKOUbosNo[/video]

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi1001_infidelity0.html

Lunch date, what exactly would you expose to this mans wife? That he asked your wife out for lunch? I don't see anything here to expose and don't understand the problem.

The one problem I do see is that she had an affair with a coworker. Does she still work at the same place?

For clarification, was this man from the grocery store someone your wife had an affair with? I may be missing something but when I read your post I took it as this was not someone she was involved with but did lunch with on occasion: that he was possibly looking for an affair, but that one did not actually occur with him.

Of course, it could be a hard determination. If they lunched often and she was having needs met by him - an EA could have occurred, even if never acknowledged. (Which is why clear boundaries are needed with the opposite sex.)

Also besides all the good questions and video you're receiving, have you read this?
Are Friends A Threat to Your Marriage?

Agreed. Maybe your anxiety is kicking or it was a trigger but I don't see what the problem is and what you'd possibly tell this guy's wife.

BrainHurts,

My wife has spent a lot of time on this website but I have not so I do not live your doctrine.

She no longer lunches alone with anyone other than me. She now sees me as her best friend, as I have always seen her. When something happens in her day that she wants to tell someone, she calls me.

We are spending any time we have between work, kids, and house work with each other. When we can we do the simple things in life together like cooking and cleaning. Spending time with the kids is important time for us. She says I was never spending time with the family before because I had so much house work to do. So for us to spend family time is very important to her. That seems to be one of her emotional needs. She glows when we are together as a family.

I think she has always met my primary emotional needs which is why I have always been so in love with her. It broke my heart to find out she did not feel the same. In the first six months I did everything I could to make up for having failed her. For the last year I was so angry as I realized that she chose to destroy our family for another man. Over that time I have seen her change and the strange perception she had of me and our marriage has disappeared.

My wife is very focused on Radical Honesty and Joint Agreement. That all comes pretty naturally for me. I think she felt I was very judging in the past which made her not feel comfortable being honest and including me in decisions. The last year of struggle has helped me understand her sensitivity about my expressing my opinions.

I do not know if I answered your question. It has been so long I really do not remember where we were when this all started.

LunchDate,

Does she still work with this OM or even work for the same company. Was the OM in a superior position?

What evidence do you have of this persons intent on your W, and do you have evidence/knowledge of his engaging with other W?

God Bless
Gamma

All,

I seem to have gotten a mixed bag of feedback about the lunch guy, aka "Mr Sleazy". I cannot decide whether each of the guys my wife lunched with were emotional affairs or just friends. Mr Sleazy was the only one that was definitely an aggressor. My wife and Mr Sleazy did not work with each other. They met in the halls while she was getting IT support. She apparently had to get help with something in the IT department for a few weeks. They flirted. He commented on her looks a lot. They went to lunch a half a dozen times. He brought up stories about some lunch time affair he had known about where a couple did stuff in a car at the office. He encouraged her to wear skirts and that she should shorten her skirts. She was very flattered by the attention and certainly did not tell him to f'off. He moved out of the office she works in so it was easy for her to end the "relationship".

Even though my wife told me about the encounter, t does bother me that she did not just tell him to f'off. Can I expect her to say that their relationship was inappropriate and she does not want to talk to him ever again.

I do not know Mr Sleazy or his wife. I know his name and generally where he lives so I could mail a note to his wife.

My name LunchDate is because I am now her lunch date. Having a break in the middle of her work day is important to her and I am now her go to lunch date.

LunchDate,

I cannot decide whether each of the guys my wife lunched with were emotional affairs or just friends.

It really sounds like you have never gotten complete honesty about her affairs if this is the case.

Does you W work for the same company, because if she does the word may have gotten around that she is easy.

God Bless
Gamma

Do you have unanswered questions from her affair?

My suggestions were based on the belief that he was a previous affair. In fact I think I misunderstood what you wrote.

I think you need to get the truth of her past relationships.


I see, then that sounds good!

Gamma,

I have the information about my wife's lunches. I just don't really know when the line for emotional affair is passed. My wife went to lunch and had conversations with these guys that most women would have with girl fiends. So as much as a woman gets her emotional needs meet by girl friends, my wife got her needs met but these men.

I know many couples where the wife spends all of her time with girlfriends and neglect the husband. The wife is getting her primary emotional needs from the girl friends and looses love for her husband because they are not bonding in those ways.

LunchDate,

I do agree there is a gradation of emotional affairs, I think when the EA partner becomes completely obsessed it becomes obvious.

However there does seem to be different levels I saw my W playing with herself vigorously while talking to a friend, female she is fond of, a few months back, I still don't know how to process that. Especially in light of the fact that she claims to be mostly asexual now.

God Bless
Gamma

BrainHurts,

I have all of the facts about the affair answered. But I keep wanting an answer to why and how she could do it . It makes no sense that she would sacrifice me and our children for some superficial pleasure with another man. And when I think about that I just see that that is who she is and no matter what good qualities she has I can never see our family as her number one priority. And then everything that holds my life together falls apart. And then I get angry.

You can send her a letter:

Mrs. Sleazy,

I am sorry to have to contact you about this but I thought you should know of your husband's inappropriate behavior with my wife. My wife worked in the same office as your husband. The two of them flirted and have gone to lunch at least six times. Your husband commented on her looks a lot and brought up stories about a lunch time affair he had known about where a couple did sexual acts in a car in the office parking lot. He encouraged her to wear skirts and that she should shorten her skirts. She was very flattered by the attention and did not tell him to f'off. I am not sure if anything happened beyond "lunch."

The other day (you can be more specific with exact day if you remember), my wife ran into your husband at the grocery store and he asked her out for lunch again. I am sure you can see why I would be alarmed by their exchanges. I thought you should be aware of what has transpired so you can take measures that your husband is not approaching my wife or other women for lunch dates or "dates" in the parking lot.

Please feel free to contact me at xxx-xxx-xxxx if you wish.

Regards,

Lunchdate

Depending on what Sleazy's wife know about her H she may dig deeper or contact you.

Is your WW still working with OM?

Gamma,

I do not think that woman/woman relationships are completely safe anymore. They may never have been. I certainly think the next generation will have to worry about emotional needs being met by anyone. We live in a town that well known for it's homosexual population so I am sensitive to this topic.

Raven has a great letter

black_raven,
I get your point. Just send a letter with the facts as little as they are and give Mrs. Sleazy a chance to know.

My WW does not work with OM but still works in the same business as the OM. It is a small world so they have the chance of running into each other. If she looks to change jobs she would have to make sure he is not working there. If she went on a business trip there is a very small chance he might be sent to the same conferences/meetings. She does not do travel much but I will go when she does.

The letter can be worded a little stronger with a few more details like the restaurants they went to...if you know as well as dates or a date range at least. On top of sending the letter, I would ask your WW for a poly. You can tell her that you want some peace about the extent of her affairs and she how she reacts and if she offer up any additional info. However, before you do this you can put other measures in place like a keylogger. What sort of transparency do you have with WW? What EPs do you two have in place?

Anything alarming in cell phone bills, emails, unaccounted time? Sorry you have to deal with this Lunchdate but you want to get to the truth now vs limping through a half baked recovery.

A couple people have asked about protections and her accountability. I have not added any keyloggers or gps. None of this would have detected the affair. The only thing that might have worked was a wiretap in her office.

The affair took place at my wife's office and was consummated on a business trip. Communicates happened through her work mail, which I do have access to upon request, but most communicates were in person. Looking at the old message traffic the red flag was that she e-mail with this guy a lot. All of the e-mails were work related with a very few red flag messages. She would write to him in the middle of the night when she could not sleep and was working from home. The personal extent of the messages would be "could not sleep so I am back to work" and would have some banter about what she was working on. He would respond back in the morning acknowledging her message and respond to work stuff. Like I said, it was the frequency and hours of the messages that told the story.

She was working a lot of hours then. Now she just puts in 40 hours. I call her during the day. She doesn't always answer because she is in meeting but she gets back to me. I stop by her office unexpectedly a few times a week to give flowers, switch cars, or have spontaneous lunch dates. She is not taking any business trips without me.

Now, other then her time at work she is always with one of us (me or the kids) so there is no unaccounted time. She cannot even go to the bathroom without one of the kids joining her.

I agree! It would be good to alert the wife of this man. And as Black Raven noted, more specific details can be added where desired. Whether labeled as an EA or not, it was inappropriate at best.

LD-

I think you should contact this guy trolling for a lunch date and end his fantasy directly. Id let him know your next call is to his wife. Your wife was game for lunch dates at one time as you know.

I think the threat of telling his wife as well as your call is enough to scare him s-less.

Added to the letter:

Dear Mrs. Sleazy,

I am sorry to have to contact you about this but I thought you should know of your husband's inappropriate behavior with my wife. My wife worked in the same office as your husband at Company X. The two of them "flirted" and have gone to lunch at least six times. These lunches took place approximately Month 2011-Month 2011. (Can insert other detail like: They may have eaten at Restaurant X and Restaurant Y).

Your husband commented on her looks a lot and brought up stories about a lunch time affair he had known about where a couple did sexual acts in a car in the office parking lot. He encouraged her to wear skirts and that she should shorten her skirts. She was very flattered by the attention and did not tell him to f'off. I am not sure if anything happened beyond "lunch."

The other day (you can be more specific with exact day if you remember), my wife ran into your husband at ABC grocery store and he asked her out for lunch again. I am sure you can see why I would be alarmed by their exchanges. I thought you should be aware of what has transpired so you can take measures that your husband is not approaching my wife or other women for lunch dates or "dates" in the parking lot and protect your marriage.

I know you don't not know me but I would never have contacted you if I did not think this is a serious and dangerous situation to our marriages and families. I have # young children with WW. I will not be telling my wife I contacted you so she doesn't contact your husband to come up with a cover story. If you have any information about their relationship, I would be grateful if you would share it with me. If not, I hope you do some independent investigating on your end. If you outright confront your WH, he will likely lie or downplay his relationship with my wife. I can guarantee you, it was not light hearted joking or I never would have contacted you.

You can reach me at xxx-xxx-xxxx.

Regards,

Lunchdate

ETA: You should ask the mods to move your thread to SAA where you will get more traffic. Until you have the truth, this isn't Recovery.

I would not confront Mr Sleaze untill after exposure to the wife. Threats don't work. Exposure is powerful. You can bet he will be scared sh-less if his wife blasts him. OM confrontation can wait as it gives too much opportunity to ruin exposure effectiveness and shows your hand.

Lunchdate,

Does your WW still travel with her job? Do you have anymore nights apart?

She will not travel with work anymore unless I go with her. Over the past year the she has only been away from me overnight when I was angry. Sometimes I told her to leave, other times she left to get away from me.

It seems men say I should confront the man and the women say I should inform the wife. I think that confronting the man would serve my personal purpose. It may even be why my wife told me so I could defend her.

Before my colleagues give you gentle advice about maintaining control over your temper, I wanted to address the question of confronting OM vs exposing to OMW.

What hard evidence do you have that OM did anything improper? Electronic notes? Phone recordings? Video evidence?

Let's assume that I am as fully convinced as you are that your wife was the recipient of unwanted approaches from scumbucket. Still, I would have to inform you that OMW will be as rightly convinced that her husband is being set up by a woman whose history shows she was engaged in this type of behaviour before. And then this whole situation degrades to a "he said/she said" unsolvable mess.

So, if you have something objective you can lay on the table, expose to OMW. If not, you'll be pulling the trigger with no powder in your cartridge.

You do not need hard evidence to confront OM. He knows the truth to your allegations. He also will be unsure what level of "crazy" you are willing to go to in order to protect your marriage.

Would you want someone to tell you if your WW was hitting on OM and trolling for dates?

I do not see what truth I am missing. I am guessing you are eluding that Mr Sleaze may be a current affair or was more than I knew. Mr Sleaze obviously enjoyed my wife enough that he would like to keep trying. My wife does not have energy to do anything but be a great wife in order to keep me in this marriage. Our home and family take a lot of work from both of us.

NeverGuessed,

I agree. I have no hard evidence. Just what my wife (the cheater that she is) has disclosed to me.

So what would you say to OM?

If it was reversed and it was your WW hitting on OM, would you want to be informed?

Also please listen to this radio clip of opposite sex friendships in marriage. Tell us what you think.
Radio clip at 7:35 mark of opposite sex friendships

LunchDate,

Perhaps before you do anything, you need to get a polygraph for your W to determine what else she is hiding.

Is your W's business one where cheating is just part of the culture?

God Bless
Gamma

My wife justified her guy friends for years. She no longer has this perspective. She understands the risk she took and the damage she has done to us. Now we just have to figure out the details of behavior that needs to change.

How would OMW know anything about WW's history? That doesn't get disclosed for that exact reason. Nothing in the letter says anything about another OM and shouldn't. The point is to give OMW enough info to think hmmmmmm.


Seeds will be planted. Right now there is no hard proof and never will be with this guy but at least OMW has been exposed to. If she chooses to stick her head in the sand and think a complete stranger has nothing better to do then send her that letter...well that's on her. I wouldn't argue with the woman. She may never contact Lunchdate but she's been given a clue to ck stuff out. I don't know many people who wouldn't think to at least have a look around. With enough detail, it would be hard to ignore.

I exposed with limited info...I had no hard proof for BH!#1 until he responded to my exposure email...wheels set in motion and then the big nukes followed.

I really do not doubt whether I have the facts about her past behavoi

I really do not doubt that I have the facts about my wife'e past behavior. I just have a hard time separating what she did from who she is. I have a hard time being attracted to someone who can betray her family so grotesquely.

I would say her industry has a culture of affairs. You do not have to participate to succeed but you would not be cast out for having an affair.

Maybe your personal purpose to be a defender but OMW never gets notified which was the whole point of your thread. You still aren't exposing then...just keeping it quiet still. OM may not be scared off. A BW can be a lot scarier lol.

Or your wife gave you just enough about her meetings with this guy so you'd believe it was enough and drop it.

Yes I am saying there may be more than you know with Mr Sleaze. If you are willing to forgo possible knowledge of more with this guy, that is your choice. If you no longer want to inform the OMW, that is your choice.

I have seen too many people regret not exposing or confirming they have the complete truth and it eats at them but it is your choice. It makes R harder and leaves a window of opportunity for the OP to come back into the picture later because the other BS doesn't know.

So what would you say to OM?

If it was reversed and it was your WW hitting on OM, would you want to be informed?

Ladies, if I send a note and she never contacts me how do I know that Mr. Sleazy got the message? Do I do what one poster recommended and send the note to Mrs. Sleazy and later confront Mr. Sleazy?

How would OMW know anything about WW's history?

Wrong question. The issue would be, very quickly, how much of FWW's history scumbucket knows.

Here's the scenario:

LD exposes to OMW. OMW tells OM what has been revealed. OM immediately says, "That crazy slut? She's been caught doing this before, and only told LD that I was coming on to her because I would have nothing to do with HER!"

Bingo - impasse!

BUT....assuming Mrs LD has given LD the true story, LD getting in OM's face, telling him in very strict terms to keep away, would be strengthened by LD and OM both working off the same knowledge base.

And, oh btw, Dr Harley came down recently to the effect that BH should vigorously confront OM. Right, BH? (Hint, hint....)

Here it is.
I encourage BH to confront OM Dr. Harley

Yes that can happen but I still like to give people a little more credit than that. Some people will or WANT to resist the truth no matter what. OMW could be such a person...we have no idea. But me (and many, many others) would give some pause and wonder why is he calling this woman a crazy slut. Is there any truth to the letter? Hmmmmmm If my hubby didn't do anything, I still don't like the idea of some crazy slut approaching him so still a wtf and let me find out who this skank is. And also Mr Sleazy now knows LD knows where he lives and isn't afraid to out him. Sleazy will worry whether or not his wife believes him or not. Mr Sleazy could contact WW with a WTF? Cheaters can come unraveled when they know exposure is underway. They tend to panic and get sloppy. I'd still expose to OMW.

A lot of things could happen but like I said, I try to give people a little more credit to think once those seeds of doubt are planted. If her husband has ever cheated before she will know this is all likely true. She could see it as either a concerned BH took a lot of time to get this info to her for good reason or a crazy slut went to a lot a trouble to get her this info which is a concern regardless of motive.

And I never said don't confront Mr Sleaze. That should happen too and I said that. It would still be more effective to have Mr Sleaze getting hit from both sides but the wife should come first so there is no warning.

Lunchdate,

If you choose to expose you should tell OMW and then confront OM.

I'm not a lady, but Mr. Sleazy already knows about his affairs, indiscretions, and sleaziness. The purpose of contacting the betrayed wife is to shine the light of day on the affair, which helps to stop it. The purpose of contacting the other man is to make him feel intimidated which helps to stop it.

I saw your post yesterday commenting that it seems that women were recommending one thing and men another. Dr. Harley would recommend that you do BOTH.

Also, Dr. Harley says that in order to recover, the circumstances that led to your wife's affair need to change. That probably means she needs to leave her industry. In the case of serial adulterers, Dr. Harley has sometimes recommended that husband and wife work together. Also, the problems in your marriage that existed before the affair (most of us have those!) certainly don't excuse her affair, but they need to change as well. i.e., you need to meet her emotional needs, protect her from love busters, spend time together, build a compatible lifestyle, and build a passionate romance together. What were her complaints about your marriage before the affair? You will still need to address those, but the good news is that she (and you) can still be happy.

Have you read Dr. Harley's article on Just Compensation after an affair? Dr. Harley's position is that rather than forgiveness for the affair, the wayward husband or wife should compensate for the affair, because they can! And the compensation is to give the betrayed husband or wife a good marriage, with romantic love. The amazing thing is that the just compensation isn't something that will hurt the wayward spouse, because they end up with a good marriage, too.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2099

All,

Got the message. Expose to OMW and confront OM.

black_raven,

Thank you for the letter.

Good for you!

Just an additional thought: you could always send the letter certified mail and ask for a signature. I don't know that it would guarantee he wouldn't get the letter instead of her, but at least you'd know who signed for it.

Others can chime in if they think that's a bad idea. I'm just thinking it might make you feel better if you know she at least signed for it - if she never contacts you.

LD-

I like to think of the upside/downside to the moves I make.

There really is no downside to tell this guys wife. Pretty woman get hit on all the time and factor in your pretty wife was a player in the adultery game which this guy may or may not be aware of then why not just give him heads up. I just think an in person visit with him would suffice in this instance.

Your wife was awesome and is in a fragile state, do you really need to have any ramifications that possibly could her come way from a wife a guy simply looking to share a soup and sandwich with her?

Me, Id let your wife know that you will be reaching to this guy in a matter of fact way: "my wife wants nothing to do with you, next time you see her you are to act like she's invisible otherwise your wife will know you're looking for lunch dates." Thank her for telling you and continue on your recovery.

LD, explore something with me, please.

You going to OMW and exposing would be less than impactful on the basis of your being only able to relate the events second-hand. (This is a part of the reason behind my counsel to instead confront OM.) Would it not be of greater import to have your FWW (and you if needed) be the one to reveal to OMW the trolling actions of her H on the basis of her first-hand knowledge?

Have you and she discussed that fairly rare possibility? "Rare" is used here because in most cases the spouse associated with the inappropriate activity is not so inclined, typically involved in an active affair that the other spouse is attempting to end.

But since your FWW was able to resist his blandishments, she is not burdened with the shame or humiliation normally extant, and is in a position to actively support and protect her own marriage.

This troll's wife deserves to know how he is out prowling around. If she doesn't believe it because it is "second hand" with no proof - so be it. But, as Black Raven mentioned, at least she has been given a heads up. It's the decent thing to do. Perhaps it would spare another couple the heartache of infidelity.

I can't believe that people who have been posting here for a while STILL try to stop people from exposing to the other BS!!!



SmilingMike, when confronting the OM, the BH should NEVER ever THREATEN to tell the OMW!

The BS should just go ahead and TELL her. My preference would be to tell her first, and THEN confront the OM!

Never Guessed...it does NOT matter whether the BS has any "proof" to show the OMW. She DESERVES to know! If she's smart, she'll start snooping on her WS! I would give ANYTHING if someone had thought enough of me to warn me that my WH was cheating on me! The BS has a RIGHT to know what her WS is doing to her life!

Y'all really do need to read up on Dr. Harley's principles and use them when you advise a poster.

I hope I didn't just !

To the original poster: Do the RIGHT thing and tell the OMW!

Uhhh, LC, please keep up.

My thread that you evidently object to is in support of exposure and offered a suggestion of how to make it more effective, by LD and FWW conducting it in concert.
My turn:

NG-

Does your plan of us exposing together mean we would have to stop by Mrs. Sleazy's house and pay her a visit? Could we just send the note from both of us?

I like the idea of the message coming from both of us. I am just uncertain about whether having my whole family show up at her house to tell was what you were suggesting. We do not actually know this lady.

I think a letter signed by both of you is fine, with your phone #'s so that the wife can contact either of you. No need to show up at the house together.

It absolutely should be certified mail. That way LD knows she got it. The post office can email you confirmation when she signs for it.

LD, you could also call her after you get confirmation that she has gotten the letter. She may be open to talking to you for more information. That's when you can tell her what you know in your calm and collected voice, so she sees that you're not some nut who is trying to hassle her husband.

maritalbliss,

We will do certified mail. My wife wants to write the letter including my contact info. She wants to point Mrs. Sleazy to marriagebuilders.com. She wants to point out that Mr. Sleazy is choosing specific independent recreational activities (video games and sports) and Mrs. Sleazy needs work with him to come up with activities they can join in together. Is that getting too personal about Mr. Sleazy?

I have found their address but their phone number is unlisted so calling is not an option.

Thank you all for you time and thoughtfulness.

I would give her just the facts.

Don't go into how to 'fix' the OM's marriage in the letter. It may be insulting to OMW and she will be defensive about her marriage skills. Keep it brief and to the point. Use the NC letter on this site for guidance.

We will do certified mail. My wife wants to write the letter including my contact info...I have found their address...

LD, are you still here? Did you follow through? To what effect?