So I'm 7 months on, just been thru angry stage, then I started actually missing my h when he wasnt home. But right now I feel like he's thinking he's had the chance to have a bit fun, got to try ex gf out as a woman & now he's safe back in marriage. is he going to think if he has another A that I'll just forget again? that what it feels like it would be.
right now I just wish I could stop having the reminders popping into my head at random times, while this keeps happening I feel like I wont be able to stay in the marriage(which scares the cr** out of me). I know details of the A, so I find it hard to repeat anything they did together. As well as I know he shaved back & other places for her,(for night in hotel,of course he denies it) which I like to be done as well. this hasnt been done since the A, how am I going to know if its for me & forget he had done it for her??? any suggestions??
I have to try hard for my daughters to keep things together

kimono, how much UA time are you spending with your H each week?

kimono, *are* you in recovery? it doesn't sound like your WH is remorseful, or making JC to you. and i echo the above Q: how much UA time are you getting?

That's still anger, and you rattling off Disrespectful Judgements to yourself because of your anger.


How can you possibly know what he thinks and/or feels unless he tells you? Why would you torture yourself with such hypotheticals?


The important thing is for YOU to know you won't tolerate any further infidelity. You can, of course, let him know he'll be on the curb so fast his head will spin if he ever heads that direction again, but no need to constantly rub him with it.


Beyond that; see MB's question.

we have each night after kids are in bed. what is JC?? I know I still hv anger why wouldnt I, I know I dont know what he is thinking thats the problem, otherwise I would know if he was thinking of someone else wouldnt I?? but I need to find a way to get thru my thoughts, to feel his actions are for me. so again suggestions on how any of u have dealt with that stage would be helpful.
He knows I could kick him to curb in a minute which is what I thought I would always do but a 2yro involved certainly changes things...............

Excellent radio clip on this very issue.
Radio clip on how to get over my Husband's Affair
Can't we just Forgive and Forget?

ok, if you don't know what JC is, you're not working the programme. let's start at the beginning.

how did your WHs a end? IS it over? do you have NC, and have you verified it?

JC = Just Compensation. Have you read about it?

thank you brain hurts, that was a useful read

You're welcome, my friend.

Were you able to listen to the radio clip also? It's so nice to hear Dr. H's words.

no sorry I couldnt listen to radio clip, for some reason I am unable to. have had this problem in the past

Try downloading firefox.

If that doesn't work make sure you have an updated flash player downloaded.

Can you do this?

It's a wierd feeling when wh goes out now( not that it happens much), so many questions & precautions. I'm hoping this feeling wont last forever, i really hope it gets easier, I dont want to spend the night wondering if theres anything to worry about. my h believes i should b able to trust him already, if he says he wont cheat again, then he wont. its funny the words u rememeber said to u during their a, they mean so little now

Are you still snooping to verify?

How much UA time are you getting? The Critical Importance of UA Time

oh yes I'm always looking, the eyes are wide open, as well calls & emails from work. hes constantly checking in with me

So how much UA time are you getting?

Are you meeting the 4 intimate ENs during this time? SF, Affection, IC and RC?

What you are going through is normal.

Do you have SAA?

This is our bible in our R. Skipping any steps will be disastrous.

Check out my thread and my W's, clearmind. Even under the best circumstances, R is very hard.

As a BS, best you can do is realize you can only control yourself. Having EP's is my insurance plan. Both of us on board with MB is the only way we are getting through this.

UA is the key to R. Minimum 20hrs a week is a MUST. I have had all the same challenges as you have. You are very early into R. Hope you realize that.

Feel free to ask me any questions you have and I will do my best to help through this difficult phase.

What do you mean 'when he goes out'? Is he going out without you in social situations that are not work related? like to the bars etc? Good lord I hope he has more respect for your feelings than that.

MB no no!!

No opposite sex friends, no time out without your spouse.

Where is your H going without you? You shouldn't HAVE to spend the night worrying - why are you in that position? Your H shouldn't be going out and leaving you at home to worry. That is extremely selfish of him.

Your H is also being selfish by saying that you should "trust" him now. He violated your trust in the worst possible way. His words are meaningless - he won't cheat again?? What, he has a crystal ball and can see all of his actions in the future?? He's already shown that he is capable of cheating. He can pinkie-swear and pledge an oath that he will be faithful, and that would mean nothing. He already pledged an oath to be faithful once - the day you married. He violated that oath, didn't he?

No, you shouldn't completely trust him. You never should have completely trusted him in the first place, but most of us here are guilty of too much trust in their spouse.

h was out for a work related thing, it was probably the first time since i found out a. maritalbiss my thoughts exactly on the whole trust thing & i dont think i will ever fully trust again

You still haven't told me to butt out. You know me, and after we caught up on the weekend, I am worried. Especially if you are trying to put a brave face on for me.

Passing by here... I am still worried for you K. Tell me to butt out and I will. Meanwhile... I care (and will even if you tell me to butt out of here!).

Please download whatever is necessary to listen to Dr H. If you need help, ask DH who is more IT savvy. These Dr H radio posts linked by BrainHurts have helped me a lot. I need to listen to more of them.

If you don't ask DH... why? Your recovery should be steered by him. Anything that will help you, should help him, therefore help you with building an US.

one question I have is, does the thoughts/reminders of A go away?? will I be able to stop the mental images that remind me??

No. They don't go away. There will never be an amnesia moment, where you have nothing to remind you of the affair. If a lobotomy was available for BH's, we'd all be lining up right after D-Day.

But there will come a time when you remember, and it no longer has any power over you. THAT'S the day you're looking for. When that happens varies. It took me about two years. If you are rcovering, those moments of remembering will rapidly drop away because you will have so many new memories that will take precedence.

And - I swear this is true: the time is going to come, when you don't think about the A the second you wake up in the morning. The day will come when you realize that it's lunchtime, and you haven't thought once about the affair. I used to think that would be impossible, but it's true. Because the affair will cease to have much power as you recover. Affairs are like that - not much staying power.

Now, if I conjure up images from that horrible time, I just roll my eyeballs.

thank you thats what I needed to hear, was starting to think it would continue to haunt me forever daily. was there something u did to help deal with those moments of reminders, I am a bit stressed at the moment knowing the date they spent in hotel is coming up, footy & sex what more could a man ask for hey!! altho he denies it as being an enjoyable night I dont believe that knowing he practically begged to go, as well as shaving back & other areas for her(i hope i can get passed this 1 so i can enjoy a shaven h)this was supposed to be a night to say good bye to end A

Here's the follow up show to the BW and WH whom are still struggling because they aren't following the program.
Radio clip of follow up show
Segment #2
Segment #3