It's been 5 years since I found out about my husband's 2-yr affair. After my last depressing post here a few weeks ago, he and I had a really good honest talk. It turned out that there were a lot of misunderstandings. All we needed was honesty. I had no idea how HE felt until he told me. Our relationship took a huge turn and I *finally* felt at peace. I started to feel that we once again were a couple... something I hadn't felt in a long time. It was a great feeling. I felt "at ease" with him. I stopped being on a look-out for how he could hurt me, or was he cheating again, or was he really dedicated to me and our family...

And then... just last week a bomb drops. I was tested positive for a cancer-causing virus that is sexually transmitted but doesn't affect men (all have probably heard of the new vaccine that is supposed to prevent this -- it's that kind of virus). I don't want to go into the details of my sex life, but it's pretty obvious to me that I got this from my husband and he got this from OW. I can't think of any other possibilities.

I haven't told my husband yet because I know if I open my mouth it won't be pretty. And it'll be a sure end to our peaceful life right now. I'm crushed. Going in for more testing/treatments in a couple of weeks.

P.S. All that is going through my head is "Your affair could very well kill me."

OneFallDay,

I was tested positive for a cancer-causing virus that is sexually transmitted but doesn't affect men

Actually HPV appears to cause all kinds of cancer in men too, oral, anal and penile depending on the activities they engage in. Sorry to have to report that.



God Bless
Gamma

I guess I should have said "doesn't affect MOST men." That same article states:

Cancers of the penis, anus and oropharynx are uncommon, and only a subset of these cancers are actually related to HPV....
Gay and bisexual men (who have sex with other men) are about 17 times more likely to develop anal cancer than men who only have sex with women.
Men with weakened immune systems, including those who have HIV, are more likely than other men to develop anal cancer.

None of the above applies to my husband.

Anyway, what was the purpose of your post, Gamma?

Also, I was trying to keep "HPV" out of the conversation for fear that people will start googling the info and find horror stories about genital warts, etc. I was positive for the strains specific to CANCER.

I am sorry for the reasons that brought you here, but I am glad that you found MB.

There are many on the board that are MD's, Nurses, Pharmacists, etc.......and honestly, not much really shocks them/us. I am not saying that to make light of your situation, just a reminder that this is an anonymous board and you can find a wealth of support and information.

I am in the medical field myself and not much shocks me either, but it's different when the situation is suddenly about you (and not some patient).

I am sorry to hear about your positive STD test. It is like throwing gas on a fire when you are already struggling in recovery.

I do have to say I am concerned that you came on here just a few short weeks ago stating that after 5 yrs of trudging along in a quasi recovered state, you were ready for divorce, and now you are saying that after just one long talk and a little O&H everything is peaceful. I don't buy it.

Melody Lane gave you excellent advice on your last thread to work with SH to get your H on board with some MB coaching and perhaps the online program. Have you looked into this?

As ML said, your H needs to know that there is a REASON to spend the money and time on another 'program' where previous ones have failed. SH will be able to show him that you will BOTH benefit at the end with a better marriage than you have ever had.

I know you said he would not be interested in this. I think you need to ASK him without deciding that for him. You can tell him that you are excited to have a great future with him, one where BOTH of you have your most important needs met and where you can both feel recovered from his infidelity.

If you are still interested in recovery, that is.

I've been on an emotional rollercoaster all these years and l tend to post only when I am on the low side. I don't know if it was that conversation or maybe it was "just time" that caused me to finally feel more at peace. Something else happened around that time that caused me realize a few things as well.

To answer your question, no, I haven't signed up for anything. And right now I won't be able to concentrate on anything other than my most recent issue and my health.

Is it ok I post here? Or is doing "the program" a prerequisite?

The only prerequisites to this forum are:
1. You have read and are familiar with the Ten Basic Concepts: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html
2. You wish to discuss topics related to recovery from infidelity.

The kind of situation you're stuck in is one step worse than having a child by an affair partner. The fact that his extramarital sexual activity may very well kill you is hard to take.

But ultimately, you're in for treatment one way or the other. So do you want to go through this treatment with your husband, or without him? His actions have a 1 in 3 chance of killing you in the next 3-5 years.

DNM. . . Thanks for the link and clarification.
Maybe I have my statistics wrong, but I thought cervical cancer is very slow to develop and If untreated, may take 10-15 years to actually 'develop.' I plan on getting a treatment... if needed. So I think I have more than 3 to 5 years . But seriously, as always, I need to think of my two young children and what's best for them. And surprisingly, I want my husband at my side... But depending on what happens, I may change my mind. At this point I am almost happy it is not an STD in the more common sense. That would upset me even more.

Obviously, I am still very worried.

@onefallday: I was counting the "pessimistic" way: 12,000 people in the USA are diagnosed with it each year, and 4,000 of them die from it. Thus the 1 in 3 chance. As with everything, you can be on the right side of the statistic if you catch it early and treat aggressively.

So now that you've made the decision that you do want to recover with your husband despite the cancer with which he infected you, how do you do that?

The first step is radical honesty.

Remember that you're going to have some pretty intense emotions, so do everything to try to make sure the conversation with your husband is as pleasant and safe as it can be. Be very clear with the facts and especially clear about your feelings. He needs to know exactly how you feel so that he knows how to act to best support your love for him. Be aware of which State of Mind your marriage is currently in; it's possible Confict right now may move either one or both of you back into Withdrawal.

P.S. Sadly, my H is still the closest person I have. All my family is literally half the world away.

DNM, thank you so much. I will read all the links you provided. This is exactly what I need. Like I said before, I haven't told my H out of fear that it would come out ugly. That would not achieve anything good at all. So thank you . . .

OFD, why have you not told your husband about this?? Contain yourself and tell him! Sadly, you may have some non-peaceful moments while the two of you process this.

But he needs to know.

Keep that in your head. When you tell him your diagnosis, he will know that the repercussions of his affair could be deadly to you. You don't need to tell him more than "I have contracted this disease due to your infidelity. I love you and want your help now." Do Not Lovebust him about this.

Well, my diagnosis has NOT been confirmed. The test was positive, yes, and some 'atypical cells' were found, but the 'C' word has not been used. Like I said, I am going in for further evaluation. I have a zillion questions for my doctor. I don't want to start throwing scary diagnoses in my husband's face unless it's confirmed. I am horrible about getting off track and turning a conversation into an ugly argument. So I might wait until after my next Dr appt. We may know more than. Plus, my husband's and my daughter's birthdays are coming up, so this is really a bad time for major discussions. I think I am a little bit in denial.

Oh, gotcha. Atypical cells are common. I had them on a Pap myself, and they ended up being a false positive. Yes, definitely DON'T throw anything like that at your husband. Wait to see.

Apparently abnormal pap plus positive high-risk HPV isn't good news, but not the end of the world just yet. We will see what further testing shows.

I'm thinking out loud here, but wouldn't it be great to have your husband's support here - while you're waiting for the appt? You don't have to mention that the A may be the cause at this point. Can you not just say, "I had some concerning test results at my last appt that are making me worry. I could use your shoulder right now, until I know more.."

I don't know about your H but mine wouldn't make the connection that his infidelity might be the cause; he'd just think female stuff is female stuff.

And... it would be a good way to approach the subject in a calm matter if you do need to have a more serious conversation later.

You shouldn't have to go through this alone while you're waiting for further results.

Sunny, I agree. I am probably going to wait just a few more days until after all the birthdays in the family.

P.S. There was a cancellation at the doctor's, so I'm going in this week rather than in two weeks. Will tell H soon.

So I was doing some reading and realized that I was so in the state of Withdrawal! Actually, I was going back and forth between Conflict & Withdrawal. I wanted my EN and SF met, but my H couldn't approach me. That was a huge issue. I kept attributing his "indifference" toward him not loving me or whatever, which made me to withdraw even more. He tried telling me this many times, but I wasn't ready to let my guard down. Once I let my guard down and allowed him to love me things have changed for the best. And this is not a temporarily honeymoon-like euphoria (been there done that, shortly after DD day)... our current situation is more like the normal marriage life. I'm so much more at peace. And our time together is so much more fulfilling.

So I told him about the concerning test results without mentioning the affair. And btw, the follow-up tests were negative - will re-check in 6 months. I didn't mention the affair because at this point I don't see a point. On the one hand, yes, there's the aspect of radical honestly, but on the other, what about "not mentioning the affair anymore"? Nothing could be changed at this point, so why rehash the affair?

I am in a good place now and don't want to loose my peace, so to speak.