I debated coming back here. After all, it's been more than 10 years since our "D" day. However, this site helped me so much and I hope by posting I can help others. If there is one positive that resulted from this whole experience, showing others that their marriage can be saved, AND, can return to normal, has become my mission.
Ok - "our story" - (deep breath) - short of having a child result from the affair, I can't imagine our situation being any worse. I forget the terminology used here, but originally I was the one that had the affair...with my husband's best friend. He then had a retaliatory affair with the person he turned to for advice. We separated for ten months. I don't blame him at all - I take 100% of the blame. I won't bore you with the reasons behind the affair (unless you ask) but I can tell you that everyday I live with the fact that I did this to my husband. Even ten years later, when we truly are happy, I regret my actions and would do anything to be able to take them back. I can't however, and have to force myself to forgive myself.
So -I write to tell you... for those of you who have been betrayed - you can get through this. We are ten years in recovery and our marriage is back to what it was. I won't say the affair made it better like I hear...affairs are NEVER EVER the answer or a catalyst for making things better. But we are back to where we were before the affair. No better, no worse. I can tell you I made promises when asking for the forgiveness that did not materialize. For example, I promised never to resent the time he spent away from the home in pursuit of his own interests. Well I still resent them. BUT...I know now that I would never stray because of them. And I know that infidelity IN ANY FORM is ALWAYS wrong.
And for those who are the betrayers - I use those caps for you. Infidelity, in any form, is wrong. Doesn't matter the state your marriage is in prior to it. There are NO excuses. If you think otherwise, well, sorry - think otherwise. You crossed a line that is ALMOST unforgivable. If your spouse chooses to forgive you - then you are a lucky, lucky person and it is up to you to show them that you deserve it, today, tomorrow, ten years from now like us.
Ok, so what does it look like ten years later. Honestly, just like it did ten years before. My husband and I are back to normal married life and I have come to enjoy "normal" so much. Whatever was there preaffair, is still there, all the good stuff, and all the warts. What isn't there is ever a concern that either of us will stray again. Repeat offenders, I have no advice for you because once you see what this does to a family and you do it again...I have no words for you.
Anyway, we will celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary next year. Our kids are 100% better because we stayed together, and we would have never, ever replicated what we have together if we did not.
So please, please hang in there if you are wavering...if you have questions, please ask...and good luck to you all.

Isurvied,

Did you direct the OM to MB, and did your family or OM family move away.

God Bless
Gamma

Welcome back.

Did you or your H give each other just compensation?

Is your resentment for your H's activities a sacrafice?

Hi isurvived, welcome back to Marriage Builders. My H and I went through the Marriage Buiilders course in 2007 and Dr Harley's program should result in your having a much better marriage than what you had before. If you don't have a great marriage AFTER, you probably aren't in recovery, because it was the pre-affair marriage that led to the affair after all.

If I were you, I would check out the program of recovery and really implement it because you can have much better than what you had.


As you should. Sacrifice is not recommended by Dr Harley because it wrecks marriages and destroys the love. Sacrifice is a renters agreement and renters not only have resentments but they keep score. A very bad practice in marriage. Resentment is poison to marriage and agreements like this are in violation of the POJA.

Do you have the book, Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley? You could really benefit from following the program in there.

Do you follow the Policy of Joint Agreeement in your marriage?

Does your husband stay out of town on business?

Did you follow the recovery plan in Surviving an Affair?

No. I severed contact with the OM as much as I could. (I worked with him). I did leave that job eventually - not at the request of my husband. He never asked that I do that.

Neither family moved away. The OM divorced his wife. She could not forgive him. However, we do not live close, and have only ran into each other once randomly (which we did not acknowledge). Well, his wife did purposely go to a place I posted I was going to be at with girlfriends with a bunch of her friends...but that was her issue as it was 10 years later.

I guess resentment was too strong of a word. I don't consider me allowing him to continue it a sacrifice or punishment for what I have done...it's just now I respond appropriately and put things in perspective differently and no matter how frustrated I get...I know I will never stray again.
My point was...I promised him the moon and back if he would forgive me...well I am human and I wasn't able to give him the moon...so just be aware even if your spouse says...they will never, ever, ever complain about your hunting again...they just might when all the dust settles. (if that makes sense)
We did not offer each other just compensation - I did not follow the MB plan...just used the discussion forum.

As I said in response to my previous post...resentment was probably too strong of a word and I don't feel I am making a sacrifice or trade off for him forgiving me. My point was that at the time when I was begging him forgiveness, I promised him all kinds of things...I promised him things that used to bug me wouldn't...that kind of stuff...but once the dust cleared, I found it still bugged me...I just know that whatever comes up now will never be cause for me to stray again.

And we do have a great marriage - but we had a great marriage before (ironic and hard to explain but we had a marriage to be envied). It is back to that...no better other than I know I will never stray again...and no worse...he doesn't hang it over my head - never brought it up once. It's just a normal marriage, has its ups and downs and as I said, I am thankful for normal!

My husband stays out of town hunting (but at our hunting camp).

And no we did not follow the MB recovery plan...I used the boards to help me through. Thus the reason I feel like I have to come back every few years...just to show people it can get better. and to answer any questions I might be able to help with.

Have you considered using Marriage Builders? You really could have a much better marriage. You don't have to settle for less. The program restores the romantic love to your marriage if used appropriately.

I realize the boards were once basically chat forums, but now they are limited to discussion of Marriage Builders. A lot of people did not save their marriages (or have bad or mediocre marriages) because they didn't use the the program. That is a tragedy.

The goal of MB is not to just stay married but to create a much better marriage than before the affair. That is essential to a solid recovery. Can you help others with that?

"No. I severed contact with the OM as much as I could. (I worked with him). I did leave that job eventually - not at the request of my husband. He never asked that I do that. "

And see, that is STEP one in recovery, never see or speak to the OP again. That is what Dr Harley would have told you and your husband to do. He calls that step one.

So what would you have advised a newly betrayed spouse if her wayward husband worked with his OW? If it was anything other than to tell her to demand he leave the job, it would have contradicted Dr Harley's advice and been a disaster.

We find that it's a real problem when people try to just "get through," i.e., put up with pain and misery without their spouse making the changes that are necessary to have a good marriage with them. Dr. Harley encourages people not to do this, because they set themselves up for eventual failure, and especially because in many cases it can be devastating to a woman's mental, emotional, and physical health. There are people with compromised immune systems, post-traumatic stress disorder, severe depression, etc., because they tried to just "get through" an intolerable situation without getting the changes necessary to make the situation good for them.

A lot of people come to the board thinking that what they need is to just "get through" and have some people to talk to until then. But that's not the sound psychological counsel offered by Dr. Harley. He has a specific plan of recovery for people to follow, and he's found that deviation from that plan is usually disastrous in the long term.

Nobody has to force themselves to accept "normal." All of us can have so much better with the information that is here, and that is what this site is for! Some of us get a great thrill out of helping people finally break free of a miserable "normal" and discover that they could have had "wonderful" all along!