Need Advice - husband cheated with our coworker - 10/16/13 07:40 PM
Highlights
- couple for 8 years / 4 of those married - no kids yet
- met at work, so we have always been coworkers - diff areas of the same department and different buildings
- overall felt happy and never felt like anything like this would happen
- found out a few weeks ago he was having an affair with a new coworker who is also married
-- she started to talking to him a lot on the work chat during work
-- exchanged phone numbers
-- started meeting before work to make out in our car - french kissing, kissing necks, holding hands, and she touched his crotch over the pants in a motion - they would also text on personal cell and work chat sending very dirty sex messages, talked about getting married, and would say I love you and tell her she's beautiful - she invited him over but he didn't go and no sex - this all started and lasted within a two week timeframe
- I knew he didn't seem like himself and asked him repeatedly what was the matter over the two weeks...he finally told me
- at first he said he felt confused and didn't know what to do...then as I was walking out the door to go to my mom's he texted her saying "I talked to my wife. This has to end. Do not contact me again." after that he cut off all contact
- she has tried to contact him twice...once over the work chat saying hope you and your wife are doing okay and it was for the best and promising not to talk to him again(a week after) then once texting his personal cell during work hours (3 weeks after that) asking for 5 minutes of his time to talk and give her closure to what happened and then she would not talk to him again...he made no response to either...she also sent him two work related questions that she really could have asked someone else and he responded with the answer and copied me to see it
- he says now that he only wants to be with me and feels like it was only about the attention he was getting
- we talked with our bosses reporting what happened and saying it made us uncomfortable and we may need to look for another job...they responded saying they really want us to stay and would work to fire her if she would just do something else to come on to him or feel like he is being harassed using work resources
This has all been so difficult for me bc I feel like I already had a sort of low self esteem going into this relationship. Then his mother has never felt I was good enough (has made comments about me not being pretty and not going to a good enough college).
I feel very uncomfortable at work now being coworkers with her...feeling like I am comparing myself. I also really liked my job and worked hard to get where I am with it. I also really liked working with my husband. We are going to counseling, but I just feel so depressed all of the time now. I really do not want to work with her anymore...with that reminder and comparing myself. He keeps telling me that he feels like he wasn't actually attracted to her...just the attention...he says nothing he said to her was really how he felt. I really feel unresolved that she could still be thinking he felt that way or that he really did. I wish I could hear him tell her these things to set the record straight. Is that just the anger I'm feeling, or is there a way to do this that would make me feel better? I hate knowing she thinks he cared. I also wish that she would just do something else and get fired, and if we make a move she may never do anything else to make that happen. I feel horrible for these thoughts. She has only worked there 6 months...it's like she took over all that was important to me...my husband, my job, what was left of my self confidence. I wish I knew what to do to feel comfortable again in my marriage, my job, and with myself.
- couple for 8 years / 4 of those married - no kids yet
- met at work, so we have always been coworkers - diff areas of the same department and different buildings
- overall felt happy and never felt like anything like this would happen
- found out a few weeks ago he was having an affair with a new coworker who is also married
-- she started to talking to him a lot on the work chat during work
-- exchanged phone numbers
-- started meeting before work to make out in our car - french kissing, kissing necks, holding hands, and she touched his crotch over the pants in a motion - they would also text on personal cell and work chat sending very dirty sex messages, talked about getting married, and would say I love you and tell her she's beautiful - she invited him over but he didn't go and no sex - this all started and lasted within a two week timeframe
- I knew he didn't seem like himself and asked him repeatedly what was the matter over the two weeks...he finally told me
- at first he said he felt confused and didn't know what to do...then as I was walking out the door to go to my mom's he texted her saying "I talked to my wife. This has to end. Do not contact me again." after that he cut off all contact
- she has tried to contact him twice...once over the work chat saying hope you and your wife are doing okay and it was for the best and promising not to talk to him again(a week after) then once texting his personal cell during work hours (3 weeks after that) asking for 5 minutes of his time to talk and give her closure to what happened and then she would not talk to him again...he made no response to either...she also sent him two work related questions that she really could have asked someone else and he responded with the answer and copied me to see it
- he says now that he only wants to be with me and feels like it was only about the attention he was getting
- we talked with our bosses reporting what happened and saying it made us uncomfortable and we may need to look for another job...they responded saying they really want us to stay and would work to fire her if she would just do something else to come on to him or feel like he is being harassed using work resources
This has all been so difficult for me bc I feel like I already had a sort of low self esteem going into this relationship. Then his mother has never felt I was good enough (has made comments about me not being pretty and not going to a good enough college).
I feel very uncomfortable at work now being coworkers with her...feeling like I am comparing myself. I also really liked my job and worked hard to get where I am with it. I also really liked working with my husband. We are going to counseling, but I just feel so depressed all of the time now. I really do not want to work with her anymore...with that reminder and comparing myself. He keeps telling me that he feels like he wasn't actually attracted to her...just the attention...he says nothing he said to her was really how he felt. I really feel unresolved that she could still be thinking he felt that way or that he really did. I wish I could hear him tell her these things to set the record straight. Is that just the anger I'm feeling, or is there a way to do this that would make me feel better? I hate knowing she thinks he cared. I also wish that she would just do something else and get fired, and if we make a move she may never do anything else to make that happen. I feel horrible for these thoughts. She has only worked there 6 months...it's like she took over all that was important to me...my husband, my job, what was left of my self confidence. I wish I knew what to do to feel comfortable again in my marriage, my job, and with myself.