We are 5.5 years into rebuilding and our M is better than ever. It took me a LONG time to heal but I am finally in a great place thanks the MB, counseling, lots of working together and prayer. Every now and then I feel the urge to talk about my FWH's A. We talked a lot for months after the A and he told me EVERYTHING - every little detail that I asked. After a while we stopped talking about it because in MC we were advised that at some point we need to stop talking about it. I have a particularly hard time letting things go and I replay things over and over in my brain but I am proud of the fact that I have forgiven my DH and I love him more than ever.

I discuss everything with my DH and since his A, he confides in me like never before. We have been together for 21 years and pre-A my DH struggled with communication. Now he spends hours talking to me about his "feelings" about his past, our past, present and future which is wonderful.

The slight problem I am having now is every now and then I want to talk about the A. I don't have any further questions because he answered them all but I feel like eight months of our M are a big black hole that both of us don't go near. I don't want my DH to feel bad (any longer) because he has been WONDERFUL to me, our family and our M. He feels awful about his A and he still feels ashamed and hurt about what he did and I don't want him to feel bad.

Can we ever talk about it again? Is the subject a taboo for us?

It should never be brought up again. Bringing the unhappiness of the past into the present only makes the present unhappy.

If you want to really move into a new realm then consider moving into another house. You will be AMAZED at the difference in your marriage. When we moved out of the environment where all that unhappiness took place it made an amazing difference in our marriage. I never think about it anymore.

Have you moved?

Also have you heard these?
Dr. Harley on How to Deal with Triggers

CG, I am glad to hear that recovery is going so well for you!

I have to say that you are very fortunate to have a fWH that is so open, honest and communicative with you. That is a gift to appreciate for sure! I would love Kiss to be able to share with me

That said, I see no reason for you to discuss the A. It has no bearing on your present so I would just leave it in the past. Have you explored why you feel you want to talk about it?

I think that you know the answer to your own question already.

If you feel that your FWH has answered Every one of the questions you had, Dr. Harley would advise you to never bring up the affair again.

Would you like to reset the clock back and live in that 8 month long black hole again?

Certainly not.

What answers would you be seeking that you have not already received?

Hang in there. It's great to read of someone's ongoing recovery success story.

LTL

What triggers you?

His A happened while we were on assignment overseas. We moved from that house (thank God!). I even threw away all of the linens, towels and everything we had in that house when we moved back to the US. I hadn't thought about my triggers ML, but now that you mention it my triggers are that I have started watching movies that have been made in the country we were in. The country is very corrupt and the morals of the ppl and not good. I download movies and love watching them. Maybe that is it (IDK).

Thanks for the replies. Yes, I know that I should never talk about it again and I am so grateful at the progress that we have made that I would never want to sabotage it. I think it is more about me than anything he is doing. He stopped traveling completely; we have more than enough UA together, our s*x life is wonderful and his life is an open book to me. I love him and our M and wouldn't want to hurt him or it in any way.

I am the kind of person who has a hard time letting things go. It's something I have to constantly work on.

Have you listened to these clips from Dr. Harley on triggers?

Tell us what you think.

cobolgirl, I did this same thing and dragged out our recovery for years. I only made us both miserable by doing so. Every time I brought it up, it made the pain feel fresh. But when I got into the habit of stopping myself, I honestly stopped thinking about it eventually. My recovery went much faster when I did that.

I would get in the habit of stopping yourself when you start thinking about it. Start replacing memories of the affair with pleasant memories. And whatever you do, don't talk about it!! You will find that you eventually never think about it.

Do you know the poster marriedforever? She is a good friend of mine and I watched her struggle for YEARS in her recovery. She brought the affair up all the time. Finally, Dr Harley told her to never bring it up again. [they were in the MB program] I watched her attitude change dramatically over the next few months and it has been really great ever since. It is really interesting how not speaking about it makes it easier to forget the pain.

Yes, I listened to them like crazy for years and Dr. Harley and his counseling was a God sent. I just need to change that part of my personality. I do it with a lot of things. I am praying and fasting for it.

Thanks Melody. You have been really helpful to me. One of the MB counselors (can't remember the name) told me to wear a rubber band around my arm and snap it when I want to rehash the A. I did do it for a while but stopped. I can't imagine my M being any better than what it is today and I don't want to be the one who sabotages it.

Thank you for this timely thread and reminder. Today is the 6th year of D-day and I have spent the last couple of days in a funk, being slightly unhappy. H and I don't talk about the A, but there are infrequent times that I do think about it, ticked off that it even happened and nursing a hatred for the OW. Where is that Bob Newhart "Stop It" movie clip when I need it?

am

cobo_girl,

Were all your questions answered about the affair? Has he held to all his EPs?

I was reading back through some of your posts.

Does he still have overnight travel where you're apart overnight? Does he still allow other women to flirt with him?

Here is a recent clip where Dr. Harley talks about why you shouldn't keep talking about the affair and when you should. For example if you were to find out something new about the affair or that the WS lied about a detail then you should talk about it.

Radio Clip on When to Talk About the Affair

Are either of you still in IC?

We are no longer in IC but I am seriously considering going back.

I read your other post regarding yours and your H's therapy discussing infidelity in your childhoods, how it relates to your M etc. I would strongly advise you to stay away from this and suspect that is what has kept your mind still stuck on the affair after such a long period of time, especially if you are doing all of the things MB prescribes (meeting needs, avoid LB, UA time, EPs).

It's interesting to me that you said sometimes you want to talk about the affair - but you didn't say what, exactly, you want to say about the affair. The truth is there is really nothing to be said at this point. What would you want to say? What would you want to accomplish? There is nothing new for him to communicate to you, or for you to communicate to him.

Dr. Harley recommends against this kind of counseling - if you are doing this, I would strongly suggest you not go back to any such kind of counseling. It hinders recovery.

Please listen to these clips.
Beware of Bad Counselors