I just found out on April 7th, 2014 that my husband had been having affairs for the past 3 years of our marriage. One main woman, and two short-term. I had suspected him for most of that time, because he would go out about once a month and not come home. Of course, he told me I was wrong for not allowing him his freedom, so I continued to tolerate his absences until I found evidence that he had had another woman in our bed in April.
I told him to leave then, but found I still loved him and wanted to try again. We have two teenage children, also, and they were devastated, and I thought I was being selfish by not at least trying to rebuild the marriage.
He had already "broken up" with the main woman a month before I found the evidence, and was just biding time with this other woman. Her husband found out the same day, so she was out of the picture as well. At least, he assures me they are all out of the picture, but of course, I have a hard time believing that. All evidence points to the fact that he has been faithful for the past 8 months and that he is committed to rebuilding the marriage. We see a marriage counselor every few weeks as well.
Today, he texted me asking me if we had any plans for Wednesday night, as his divorced buddy "Scott" was in town and wanted to meet him for "happy hour". "Scott" is the buddy he was supposedly with every time he did not come home over the past 3 years. Scott has met the "other woman" and even double-dated with my husband and the affair women.
I told him I was not comfortable with him going out with the boys - I have told him from the get-go that that will probably never be OK with me again. He said we could talk about it when he got home tonight and it's probably just too soon. But, I have told him repeatedly that I can't imagine it will ever be ok with me. I know what he is capable of, and I know how dishonest he was. Does 8 months of good behavior mean that I have to let him go out for happy hour with his former partner in crime?
How can I tell if I am being selfish or when it is time to let down my guard?
I am starting to think that I may have let my heart get in the way of my good sense when I decided to stay and try again.
Does 8 months of good behavior mean that I have to let him go out for happy hour with his former partner in crime?
If I crash my car while drunk driving would it make sense for me to go drunk driving again just because I had not gone drunk driving for 8 months?
How can I tell if I am being selfish or when it is time to let down my guard?
I am starting to think that I may have let my heart get in the way of my good sense when I decided to stay and try again
If you want to have a safe marriage, you should NEVER let your guard down. Your marriage is not in recovery and I would strongly suggest you follow this plan if you EVER want to have any hope of recovery.
It will take a radical and PERMANENT change in his behavior to save this marriage. And one of the first changes is that he NEVER goes out without you again and has nothing to do with this affair promoting friend. You have been through a hell that is a traumatic as rape or physical assault. If he will not go through extraordinary measures to avoid a repeat then you should separate from him. The fact that he even WANTS to go out again and be with this friend should alarm you terribly.
Have your husbands affairs been exposed to everyone? Have you personally informed all of the husbands involved? Do you have solid PROOF that he has ended all contact.
The problem with your husband is that these were not accidental affairs, but a result of him TROLLING for action. Your marriage will never make it until he makes a dramatic change in his own lifestyle.
From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67
The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.
These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.
Checklist for How Affairs Should End
_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.
_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:
_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).
_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).
_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).
_____Spend leisure time together.
_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.
_____Avoid overnight separation.
_____Allow technical accountability.
_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.
Kelly,
"Scott" that maggot infested POS, must be out of your life and your WH life and your childrens lives forever. He is an enemy of your family and has been an accessory to an assault on your children.
Get a polygraph for your WH to make sure you have the complete story "Scott2" and "Scott3" might be out there as well, and should be put into the same trash compactor.
God Bless
Gamma
Thank you for your reassurances. I am currently in the middle of reading "Surviving an Affair", and I didn't think I was being crazy, but I guess I have a very hard time knowing when I am right, and when I am just being unreasonable.
I have no friends, that I know of anyhow, who have been through this and made the choice to stay and work things out, so it's a very isolating and terrifying place to be. I have been taught to seek advice from people who are successful, but perhaps this forum is the only realistic option I have in this situation.
Thank you for your reassurances. I am currently in the middle of reading "Surviving an Affair", and I didn't think I was being crazy, but I guess I have a very hard time knowing when I am right, and when I am just being unreasonable.
I understand completely. It is hard to make sound decisions when you are surrounded by people who are defining reality in a destructive way. I would focus on getting your husband on board with all these concepts and letting him lead the charge. He shouldn't even be asking you to do engage in marriage wrecking behaviors or associating with people who are enemies of your marriage. Putting you in that position makes you his jailor.
You should be equal partners in the recovery of your marriage. If he is not on board, you seriously should consider separation because you will be doomed to more affairs.
I would take that list to him and show him what it will take to affair proof your marriage and make you feel safe. It is his job to PROTECT you from this ever happening again.
His affairs have been exposed to many, but not the main other woman's husband. They are swingers, so he probably won't care anyhow, and she was once a "friend" of mine, my kids know her and she is unstable, so I am afraid to rock the boat since she is out of our lives now. I wouldn't put it past her to involve my kids if she got angry.
Our close friends know, his parents know, my kids know, "Scott" knows I know of his complicity.
Do your kids know about the affairs?
I like that "putting me in the position of being his jailer". That is exactly how this is making me feel. He has the book on audiotape, I will ask him again to listen to it. He has been good about listening to stuff like this, but sometimes he needs me to bug him a bit.
Yes, they know. They were there when I found the "evidence" and I have tried to be as truthful as possible without damaging their relationship with their dad. But, they also know this woman, and her kids. There is untold damage that she could inflict on my kids if she wanted to.
How is he doing on this list? I can already see a big FAIL in "spend all leisure time together." He has to make a radical change in his lifestyle to ensure this doesn't happen again.
Checklist for How Affairs Should End
_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.
_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:
_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).
_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).
_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).
_____Spend leisure time together.
_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.
_____Avoid overnight separation.
_____Allow technical accountability.
_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.
But, they also know this woman, and her kids. There is untold damage that she could inflict on my kids if she wanted to.
I very much doubt that, but please tell us why and how you think she could.
Yes, they know. They were there when I found the "evidence" and I have tried to be as truthful as possible without damaging their relationship with their dad. But, they also know this woman, and her kids. There is untold damage that she could inflict on my kids if she wanted to.
Is she completely and totally out of your lives? How could she hurt your kids?
When you say you were as "truthful as possible" what do you mean? You cannot damage their relationship with their father. ADULTERY is very damaging to relationships with children. It is not your role to protect him from the damage he causes his own children.
You know, she is a very vindictive person, and I wouldn't put anything past her. Maybe I am just horrified that my husband was attracted to such a skank in the first place and I can't stand the thought of my kids knowing that much truth about their dad. If I tell her husband, she may just jump back into the ring to see what type of trouble she can drum up for our family. As it is, she is silent and out of our lives. I hate to poke the bear.
You know, she is a very vindictive person, and I wouldn't put anything past her. Maybe I am just horrified that my husband was attracted to such a skank in the first place and I can't stand the thought of my kids knowing that much truth about their dad. If I tell her husband, she may just jump back into the ring to see what type of trouble she can drum up for our family. As it is, she is silent and out of our lives. I hate to poke the bear.
Kelly, however that can't happen if your husband has shut off all access. Her husband, despite being a swinger, deserves to know.
Your children must know the truth so they can help hold your H accountable. I am sorry your H damaged his relationship with his children by having an affair with a pig, but that is the truth. Your kids have a right to know this.
Telling the husband and your kids will help your H wake up to what he has done. It will also bring in more volunteers to help hold your H accountable.
You know, she is a very vindictive person, and I wouldn't put anything past her.
Did she threaten you about exposing her?
After you follow the proper advice you have received, I wonder if any more of your friends are swinging couples. That lifestyle, and by associa, it Very detrimental to you ever having a healty loving monogamous integrated marriage.
People tend to become similar to those that they choose to associate with.
LTL
I have tried to be as truthful as possible without damaging their relationship with their dad.
Why are you trying to avoid damaging their relationship with their dad? That relationship needs to accurately reflect the way he treats them. Their feelings about their dad are their own decision to make; give them the truth and let them make up their own minds.
It doesn't help children to have a FAKE good relationship with their parents.
If your husband wants a good relationship with his children, then it is his job to do what that takes, not yours. If he doesn't do what it takes, nothing you do can make up for that.
I have tried to be as truthful as possible without damaging their relationship with their dad.
Why are you trying to avoid damaging their relationship with their dad? That relationship needs to accurately reflect the way he treats them. Their feelings about their dad are their own decision to make; give them the truth and let them make up their own minds.
It doesn't help children to have a FAKE good relationship with their parents.
If your husband wants a good relationship with his children, then it is his job to do what that takes, not yours. If he doesn't do what it takes, nothing you do can make up for that.
My children have no money in the bank, but I am attempting to avoid damaging their relationship with the bank, so I have told them they have $50.
Do you see how that doesn't work?
The relationship is not something that you should try to make positive when it is actually negative. It needs to accurately reflect reality.
No - absolutely not! I had always suspected this lady of this lifestyle (although I had a hard time imagining anyone actually doing it). I met her through my kids and a MOMS club when our babies were little, and as I got to know her, became more and more uncomfortable around her. I cut off ties 7 years ago because she was just too wild for me - I am over 10 years sober and know what the party lifestyle leads to.
My husband is the one who picked up with her sometime after I cut her off. He knew all along what I suspected and it apparently didn't bother him.
I am a band mom, I work for a small business that promotes healthy living and fitness and I never go out without my husband or kids unless it is to a recovery event with sisters in sobriety.
But, I know why you ask. Its almost impossible to believe that I could be married to someone who would have such low standards. I can't believe it myself, and it is a large part of my grieving process to accept that he is not the intelligent, sensitive, family man that I always thought he was.
No, actually, my husband told me she would react poorly I have never actually crossed her, but I know from earlier experiences that she is not a mentally healthy person. He clearly knows her better than I. Although, I do recognize that this may just be his way of maintaining his dignity or secrecy.
No, actually, my husband told me she would react poorly I have never actually crossed her, but I know from earlier experiences that she is not a mentally healthy person. He clearly knows her better than I. Although, I do recognize that this may just be his way of maintaining his dignity or secrecy.
Your husband has a vested interest in you NOT contacting her husband so anything he says is suspect. If her husband doesnt know then it is easier for him to resume the affair. I would expose the affair to him and your children. Without warning him.
This will not be an issue if he has truly ended contact with her. If he finds out, then you will know he has not truly ended contact.
Welcome to MB and I'm sorry for the reasons that have brought you here.
Have you been tested for STDs?
How is he doing on this list? I can already see a big FAIL in "spend all leisure time together." He has to make a radical change in his lifestyle to ensure this doesn't happen again.
Checklist for How Affairs Should End
_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.
_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:
_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).
_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).
_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).
_____Spend leisure time together.
_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.
_____Avoid overnight separation.
_____Allow technical accountability.
_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.
Could you please answer this?
Yes, I was in May, shortly after the affair was revealed and they came back negative. Which is completely unbelievable, huh?
In reading through your post I am unclear if you ever exposed to the AP spouse?
I have been in recovery from my FWW affair for over two years and when I think back exposing to the AP spouse was one of the most healing things I did.
Who really cares what type of person she is or what good and bad activities she participates in? The one and only activity you are concerned about is the relationship she had with your husband behind your back.
Exposure works to end that chapter of her life for good.
Its common for affair spouse to gaslight betrayed spouse. Its an extension of the manipulation he had to pull to maintain the affair. You are accustom to 'stories' that have kept you stuck in his muck. Buying these stories will retard your recovery. You have to go full frontal with the truth to yourself, your children, and OM family and so on. The truth will set everyone free. This is real.