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Hello all - this is my first post on this forum.

I am ashamed to admit - I had the affair. My BH and I have been married for 16 years, together for 19. We have two children. We met in college and married immediately after. We've had a very happy marriage, with perhaps some typical challenges and stresses - babies and two careers. I became involved with my boss about a year and a half ago. It took me by surprise and I was in deep before I even realized what was happening. I spent the next months either thinking I was "in love" or briefly seeing things clearly and trying to get out. Everything came to a head when my husband began to suspect, confronted me, and I admitted everything. This occurred a few months ago. I've quit the job, everyone knows about the affair, I am completely NC with the OM, full transparency is in place, etc. I've been reading on these boards, I've read SAA and both husband and I read HNHN (SAA was too hard for him).

We are doing pretty well at this point, but there are a couple of areas of struggle (from my perspective):

1) We will be going along, having several really good days, and all of a sudden my husband will just spiral into a really dark depression. I cannot figure out what is happening...I think most of the time something just triggers a thought or memory or even just something in his imagination and down he goes. And then if we talk about it, it will bring me down as well. It's really awful and we have a hard time digging out.

2) He has a high EN of affection; I do not. This is the opposite of typical male/female needs, but that is the way we are. We have figured out normally how to make this work. However since the affair, when he is feeling insecure, his affection ramps up to more of a clingy, smothery type of affection. I do not like this at all and in fact, as I am trying to fall back in love with my husband, this makes it even more difficult. So what do you do when one spouse's EN actually becomes an Annoying Behavior? Is that possible?

Thank you all.

Originally Posted by The_Southern

1) We will be going along, having several really good days, and all of a sudden my husband will just spiral into a really dark depression. I cannot figure out what is happening...I think most of the time something just triggers a thought or memory or even just something in his imagination and down he goes. And then if we talk about it, it will bring me down as well. It's really awful and we have a hard time digging out.

Hi TS, welcome to Marriage Builders. It is not unusual that he would experience depression after the discovery of an affair. He should probably look into getting anti-depressants for the first year to help him through.

The affair should never be brought up again. I don't want you to tell him that, but I would appreciate it if you would show him my comments. Every time he speaks about it, it makes his trauma WORSE, not better. I understand completely that he still FEELS traumatized, but talking about it makes the trauma worse.

You might also want to look into other triggers. What is triggering him? Do you live close to any triggers? Are there certain things that trigger him? Have that discussion with him. If you live in an area that is fraught with triggers, you might want to consider moving. It can make an amazing difference.

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2) He has a high EN of affection; I do not. This is the opposite of typical male/female needs, but that is the way we are. We have figured out normally how to make this work. However since the affair, when he is feeling insecure, his affection ramps up to more of a clingy, smothery type of affection. I do not like this at all and in fact, as I am trying to fall back in love with my husband, this makes it even more difficult. So what do you do when one spouse's EN actually becomes an Annoying Behavior? Is that possible?

Thank you all.

How many hours per week of undivided attention are you getting? How many dates per week? What are you doing to meet his need of affection? It doesn't sound like you are meeting that need effectively.

Was your OM married? And if so, was his wife informed of the affair?

Originally Posted by The_Southern

I've been reading on these boards, I've read SAA and both husband and I read HNHN (SAA was too hard for him).

SAA has the plan for recovery, though. HNHN does not. You all need to be working out of SAA, especially this checklist:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.

Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

A focus on EPs will help your husband far more than ENs.

For that you need the plan in SAA.

If your husband doesn't like to read, there are a host of alternative materials. The radio show, work book etc.

Dr H says it is common for men to dislike bookish formats.

Are you two still talking about the affair? If so, you need to agree to never talk about it again. You cannot recover if it is being brought up.

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2) He has a high EN of affection; I do not. This is the opposite of typical male/female needs, but that is the way we are. We have figured out normally how to make this work. However since the affair, when he is feeling insecure, his affection ramps up to more of a clingy, smothery type of affection. I do not like this at all and in fact, as I am trying to fall back in love with my husband, this makes it even more difficult. So what do you do when one spouse's EN actually becomes an Annoying Behavior? Is that possible?

My husband, markos, and I are also opposite of the typical male/female emotional needs: He has a strong need for physical affection, and a lot of physical affection can drive me up the wall.

So I empathize.

You are going to have to let him know what types of affection are bothering you, and you two will need to brainstorm ways in which you are comfortable meeting his need for affection. You do not need to keep doing something that bothers you just because you had an affair and feel like you owe him. You DO owe him, but what you owe him is a marriage in which you BOTH are in love. And in order for you both to be in love, you need to be able to enjoy the ways you meet his emotional needs.

Don't sacrifice.

Hi Melody - thank you so much for your quick reply. I am going to try to answer all of your comments here.

Regarding UA, I think Dr. Harley recommends 15 hours per week. We aren't getting enough, it's probably close to 10 hours. I wonder how people with kids and jobs find a way to do it? We also have family living with us temporarily which might be complicating things.

The EPs - every one of these things are in place. When my BH suspected and confronted me, I broke down and just confessed the whole thing then and there. The A happened at work, so I quit my job. NC is in place and all avenues of potential contact have been changed and/or blocked. I put a GPS app on my phone for my husband and have nothing password protected. Since I no longer have a job, I rely on him for all money. We've gone to our church for help with this and my parents know, close friends, etc. Whew.

The one thing that hasn't happened is telling the OM's spouse. My H chose not to do that, based on advice from our church. I know that Dr. Harley recommends telling. H wrestled with it but he has witnessed our church heal many marriages in our very condition, so he trusts their advice. I feel like I have no credibility in the matter either way.

Originally Posted by Prisca

Are you two still talking about the affair? If so, you need to agree to never talk about it again. You cannot recover if it is being brought up.

Quote

2) He has a high EN of affection; I do not. This is the opposite of typical male/female needs, but that is the way we are. We have figured out normally how to make this work. However since the affair, when he is feeling insecure, his affection ramps up to more of a clingy, smothery type of affection. I do not like this at all and in fact, as I am trying to fall back in love with my husband, this makes it even more difficult. So what do you do when one spouse's EN actually becomes an Annoying Behavior? Is that possible?

My husband, markos, and I are also opposite of the typical male/female emotional needs: He has a strong need for physical affection, and a lot of physical affection can drive me up the wall.

So I empathize.

You are going to have to let him know what types of affection are bothering you, and you two will need to brainstorm ways in which you are comfortable meeting his need for affection. You do not need to keep doing something that bothers you just because you had an affair and feel like you owe him. You DO owe him, but what you owe him is a marriage in which you BOTH are in love. And in order for you both to be in love, you need to be able to enjoy the ways you meet his emotional needs.

Don't sacrifice.

Argh, yes, we are still talking about it. We can go a few days, but then it comes back up. Not by my doing, believe me. I don't know how to tell him this without it seeming self-serving. I have actually hunted for this in SAA and can't find it anywhere. Is it in there specifically?

I will do my best to discuss the affection thing with him. It is a hot-button issue, because I was even LESS physically affectionate during my affair and H of course noticed it. So now it's 'a thing'. I've tried to explain that it has nothing to do with how much I love him. I don't love that way! I am trying to give him what he needs, and then he starts pushing for more, which makes me pull back.

I do get the feeling sometimes that no matter what, because I had the affair, I am Always Wrong. I know I have a ton of work to do and I am committed to making it right. It is just very very difficult.

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The one thing that hasn't happened is telling the OM's spouse. My H chose not to do that, based on advice from our church. I know that Dr. Harley recommends telling. H wrestled with it but he has witnessed our church heal many marriages in our very condition, so he trusts their advice. I feel like I have no credibility in the matter either way.

That betrayed wife has as much right to know as your betrayed husband did.

Originally Posted by The_Southern

Originally Posted by Prisca

Are you two still talking about the affair? If so, you need to agree to never talk about it again. You cannot recover if it is being brought up.

Quote

2) He has a high EN of affection; I do not. This is the opposite of typical male/female needs, but that is the way we are. We have figured out normally how to make this work. However since the affair, when he is feeling insecure, his affection ramps up to more of a clingy, smothery type of affection. I do not like this at all and in fact, as I am trying to fall back in love with my husband, this makes it even more difficult. So what do you do when one spouse's EN actually becomes an Annoying Behavior? Is that possible?

My husband, markos, and I are also opposite of the typical male/female emotional needs: He has a strong need for physical affection, and a lot of physical affection can drive me up the wall.

So I empathize.

You are going to have to let him know what types of affection are bothering you, and you two will need to brainstorm ways in which you are comfortable meeting his need for affection. You do not need to keep doing something that bothers you just because you had an affair and feel like you owe him. You DO owe him, but what you owe him is a marriage in which you BOTH are in love. And in order for you both to be in love, you need to be able to enjoy the ways you meet his emotional needs.

Don't sacrifice.

Argh, yes, we are still talking about it. We can go a few days, but then it comes back up. Not by my doing, believe me. I don't know how to tell him this without it seeming self-serving. I have actually hunted for this in SAA and can't find it anywhere. Is it in there specifically?

I will do my best to discuss the affection thing with him. It is a hot-button issue, because I was even LESS physically affectionate during my affair and H of course noticed it. So now it's 'a thing'. I've tried to explain that it has nothing to do with how much I love him. I don't love that way! I am trying to give him what he needs, and then he starts pushing for more, which makes me pull back.

I do get the feeling sometimes that no matter what, because I had the affair, I am Always Wrong. I know I have a ton of work to do and I am committed to making it right. It is just very very difficult.

If you have any hope of recovery, you must stop talking about the affair. It should never be brought up again. If he has a problem with this, I would ask him to call and talk to Dr. Harley about it if I were you. Dr. Harley will talk to him for free.

Read this article:

Originally Posted by Dr. Harley

I'm convinced that what's kept the resentment of S.R.'s husband alive for so many years is that he has found it to be an effective way to control and punish her whenever she doesn't do what he wants. Whenever they have a fight, he brings it up, and it causes her such guilt that it gives him a decided advantage in winning the argument.

By this time, I don't believe that her affair is the problem that she thinks it is. Instead, it is an issue that her husband is using to get the upper hand in his relationship with her. It probably shows up the most whenever she has been reluctant to have sex with him. It throws her off balance whenever he mentions it, and makes her feel guilty, wanting to make it up to him somehow. He may also bring it up whenever she is winning in a power struggle he is having with her.

What she describes to me in her letter is abuse, pure and simple. There is no excuse for the way her husband keeps bringing up her moment of weakness she experienced years ago. He is disrespectful and abusive.

I suggest that she look him right in the eye and say to him, "Listen Buster, do you love me? Do you want me to love you? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with me? If the answers to any of those questions is 'yes' you sure are going about it the wrong way. You are not doing things that I admire, you're doing things that I find disgusting!"

What if he says, "Fine, then lets just get a divorce and end it all."

To that I would say, "It's up to you. I married you for life, but if you want a divorce, it's your call. If you want to be in a love relationship with me, however, you're going to have to treat me much better than you have been treating me. You must never again bring up my affair, and if you are upset with me, you will have to treat me with respect until we can solve the problem. If you are upset with our sexual relationship, I want us to discuss it as adults and solve it with mutual respect. I refuse to be treated like this, especially by the man I love."

My advice to her husband is to never mention her affair again. It's a good example of one of the enemies of good conversation, dwelling on past mistakes. Whenever you keep bringing up your spouses past mistakes, you not only make your conversations incredibly unpleasant, but it cannot possibly lead to a resolution of a conflict you may be discussing. And as soon as his resentment doesn't pay him any dividends -- no longer helps him get his way -- he will find that it hardly ever occurs to him.

Hanging on to an unpleasant thought because it helps us somehow is what psychologists call "secondary gain." It means that even though the thought is unpleasant, it gets you something you need, so your mind keeps it around for its usefulness. There are many unpleasant thoughts that have this characteristic, and I have helped many people let them go by helping them destroy the usefulness of the thought. Making sure that S.K.'s husband never gets what he wants by bringing up her affair will help him overcome his resentment.

Excerpt from Coping with Infidelity, Part 4: Overcoming Resentment

Originally Posted by The_Southern

H wrestled with it but he has witnessed our church heal many marriages in our very condition

I would love to see the couples in those marriages take Dr. Harley's Love Bank Inventory and find out if they really feel in love with one another or not.

Most people in my church teach that the feeling of romantic love fades and that being spiritually mature means you have "real" love which means caring for each other but not having the "immature" feeling of love. Is this what your church teaches, or do they teach that the feeling of romantic love lasts for a lifetime?

Quote

I will do my best to discuss the affection thing with him. It is a hot-button issue, because I was even LESS physically affectionate during my affair and H of course noticed it. So now it's 'a thing'. I've tried to explain that it has nothing to do with how much I love him. I don't love that way! I am trying to give him what he needs, and then he starts pushing for more, which makes me pull back.

You cannot recover if you are trying to meet his emotional needs in ways that bother you. There are hundreds of ways in which he could be happy having the need for affection met, and a dozen of those ways are things in which you would be happy doing for him. You need to talk together, calmly and respectfully, to find those ways.

Markos and I used to really struggle with this. He wanted affection in ways that hurt me emotionally. I continued trying to do those things for him, because I thought I had to, but I ended up hating him for it even more, and I even developed an aversion to affection in general. He could try to touch me affectionately, and I would literally feel like throwing up (sometimes I did). Recovery was impossible as long as I continued to sacrifice.

The same is true for you. If you continue doing what I did, you will end up with a worse marriage than what you have now.

The road to recovery is very narrow. If you want to recover, there are very specific steps you must take, or you will fall off the path and end up with a crippled version of the marriage you had before the affair.

Meeting of emotional needs MUST be enjoyable for both spouses.

Do you go to church with OM?

Originally Posted by Prisca

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The one thing that hasn't happened is telling the OM's spouse. My H chose not to do that, based on advice from our church. I know that Dr. Harley recommends telling. H wrestled with it but he has witnessed our church heal many marriages in our very condition, so he trusts their advice. I feel like I have no credibility in the matter either way.

That betrayed wife has as much right to know as your betrayed husband did.

^^^^exactly

The OM's BW deserves to know the truth about her marriage. She is a victim as much as your BH is.

Also, have you been tested for STDs?

Originally Posted by The_Southern

Hi Melody - thank you so much for your quick reply. I am going to try to answer all of your comments here.

Regarding UA, I think Dr. Harley recommends 15 hours per week. We aren't getting enough, it's probably close to 10 hours. I wonder how people with kids and jobs find a way to do it? We also have family living with us temporarily which might be complicating things.

I would hire babysitters and start planning AT LEAST 4 - 4 hour dates a week. If you have family living there, they can baby sit. I would sit down every Sunday afternoon and plan out your dates. This is THE KEY to falling in love again. Don't do this, and this program won't work.

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The one thing that hasn't happened is telling the OM's spouse. My H chose not to do that, based on advice from our church. I know that Dr. Harley recommends telling. H wrestled with it but he has witnessed our church heal many marriages in our very condition, so he trusts their advice. I feel like I have no credibility in the matter either way.

Sorry, but that is bad advice. Decieving your victim does not resolve adultery. Deceit and dishonesty are not Christian values. This is a woman who has been violated in the worst possible way and may even have contracted an STD. Not to mention that it is immoral and cruel. Your church is WRONG - unBiblical and immoral - for advocating dishonesty.

As long as this woman is ignorant of what you and the OM have done to her, she cannot protect herself and her children from you and her husband. She might even choose not to continue her marriage and is being denied that right.

And I have to question your repentance if you won't agree for the betrayed spouse to be INFORMED of your crime against her. Deceiving your victim is NOT repentance.

If your husband will not tell this woman, then it will be up to you. It is in everyones best interest to warn this woman what has been done to her behind her back. Everyone is harmed by your silence.

Originally Posted by MelodyLane

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The one thing that hasn't happened is telling the OM's spouse. My H chose not to do that, based on advice from our church. I know that Dr. Harley recommends telling. H wrestled with it..

Sorry, but that is bad advice. Decieving your victim does not resolve adultery. Deceit and dishonesty are not Christian values. This is a woman who has been violated in the worst possible way and may even have contracted an STD. Not to mention that it is immoral and cruel. Your church is WRONG - unBiblical and immoral - for advocating dishonesty.

As long as this woman is ignorant of what you and the OM have done to her, she cannot protect herself and her children from you and her husband. She might even choose not to continue her marriage and is being denied that right.

And I have to question your repentance if you won't agree for the betrayed spouse to be INFORMED of your crime against her. Deceiving your victim is NOT repentance.

If your husband will not tell this woman, then it will be up to you. It is in everyones best interest to warn this woman what has been done to her behind her back. Everyone is harmed by your silence.

x 2

If your BH wrestled with telling the BW, he probably still does...and that may also be part of his depression. I know I would have not been able to sleep at night if I hadn't exposed to the other BS.

I don't see how couples move forward with Recovery when there is still deception going on. If BH has "witnessed our church heal many marriages in our very condition" then why is it the BW shouldn't be given the opportunity to heal her marriage either. Words are contradicting actions here and seems like selective morality.

Welcome to MB.

Originally Posted by markos

Originally Posted by The_Southern

H wrestled with it but he has witnessed our church heal many marriages in our very condition

I would love to see the couples in those marriages take Dr. Harley's Love Bank Inventory and find out if they really feel in love with one another or not.

Most people in my church teach that the feeling of romantic love fades and that being spiritually mature means you have "real" love which means caring for each other but not having the "immature" feeling of love. Is this what your church teaches, or do they teach that the feeling of romantic love lasts for a lifetime?

Hi Markos - no, truly, the long-term, happy marriages in my church are romantic. I have seen some remarkable turnarounds. I know what you are saying and it's not like that at all. I think a lot of it has to do with very similar teachings to Dr. Harley, though perhaps framed differently. That is one of the reasons I identified so easily with his methods.

[/quote]
You cannot recover if you are trying to meet his emotional needs in ways that bother you. There are hundreds of ways in which he could be happy having the need for affection met, and a dozen of those ways are things in which you would be happy doing for him. You need to talk together, calmly and respectfully, to find those ways.

Markos and I used to really struggle with this. He wanted affection in ways that hurt me emotionally. I continued trying to do those things for him, because I thought I had to, but I ended up hating him for it even more, and I even developed an aversion to affection in general. He could try to touch me affectionately, and I would literally feel like throwing up (sometimes I did). Recovery was impossible as long as I continued to sacrifice.

The same is true for you. If you continue doing what I did, you will end up with a worse marriage than what you have now.

The road to recovery is very narrow. If you want to recover, there are very specific steps you must take, or you will fall off the path and end up with a crippled version of the marriage you had before the affair.

Meeting of emotional needs MUST be enjoyable for both spouses. [/quote]

Thank you for this, as well as the article. We really have to figure out a way to work through this. Is there something out there published that can give us ideas of how to meet the need for affection? Am I just being dense??

Originally Posted by Prisca

Do you go to church with OM?

NO! Thank goodness!

Originally Posted by BrainHurts

[/quote]
That betrayed wife has as much right to know as your betrayed husband did.

^^^^exactly

The OM's BW deserves to know the truth about her marriage. She is a victim as much as your BH is.

Also, have you been tested for STDs? [/quote]

I understand and have thought a lot about this. My H presented his desire to tell her to our church counselor in anger, and I think it came across as a form of revenge. I get the different motivation and I have a new kind of empathy for her now. I will have to figure out how to approach this with him.

Yes, we've both been tested for STDs.

Okay, I am taking to heart what you all are saying about telling OM's wife. I have no doubt the intentions from my church were good, but I see what you are saying. Ugh, we are so ready to put this behind us.

Will your BH come here and post?

Originally Posted by The_Southern

Okay, I am taking to heart what you all are saying about telling OM's wife. I have no doubt the intentions from my church were good, but I see what you are saying. Ugh, we are so ready to put this behind us.

The betrayed wife has a right to know what her H has been doing. He has very likely been distant and even mean and nasty with her during his affair and she never knew why. She needs to know so she can protect herself and possibly recover her marriage.

You don't have to make telling her a huge ordeal. Just send her a letter and let her know that you had an affair with her H, that you are deeply sorry, and thought that she ought to know. You could tell her about MB.

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Is there something out there published that can give us ideas of how to meet the need for affection?

This is really something the two of you are going to have to work through yourself. You will need to brainstorm ideas, and maybe even try some ideas for awhile with the agreement that you'll decide later if you like it.

The thing is, what my husband likes for affection, your husband may not. What I enjoy doing for my husband, you may not enjoy. So it has to be the two of you who come up with ideas, and try them.

How are lovebusters between you two?

Originally Posted by The_Southern

Originally Posted by Prisca

Do you go to church with OM?

NO! Thank goodness!

Does he live in the same town as you?

Originally Posted by Prisca

Originally Posted by The_Southern

Originally Posted by Prisca

Do you go to church with OM?

NO! Thank goodness!

Does he live in the same town as you?

We live in a fairly large city, though my family is in a suburb. So yes, kind of. But not likely to run into each other.

When will you be telling OMBW?

Southern,

Re: having the affair-partner's spouse be made aware, several people have made the good point that the other betrayed spouse has a right to know about the affair. I think your church stumbled in advising you to sweep it under the carpet as far as the other couple was concerned. From what I read, Godly love for a fellow man probably doesn't delight in a coverup. I'm not sure if the guiding principle there was "Don't rat" (sounds more like mafia ethos) or "What they don't know won't hurt 'em" (which is just some stupid saying that someone made up), but neither of these lines of thought have much of an ethical basis to recommend 'em, and it sounds like your church has gotten confused about that.

Setting aside the decency argument, though, and focusing on your marriage, there's also a self-interested, practical reason to let OMW know -- namely, for your husband's benefit, in that the other man's wife is in best position to keep watchful eyes on his conduct, and to tip your husband off if this other man falls off the wagon vis-�-vis you. In short, her knowledge puts in place an additional barrier against resumption of contact & resumption of the affair. That can help to provide an extra measure of reassurance for your husband.

BTW, this is not something to be done behind your husband's back. Your husband needs to have assurance that you're not surreptitiously seeking to contact the affair partner. Learning for the first time from OMW about a letter you sent to their house, or an email you sent to an address associated with them, wouldn't likely set your husband's mind at ease as a first reaction. So be smart about how you go about this.

Besides that, there's also a 'trigger' aspect to any dealings that either of you have with the other family. While it'll be good for your husband to have the extra assurance of knowing that the OM is under another pair of eyes, once the info is conveyed and his wife has been clued in, then you & your husband will be right to resume keeping them out of your lives & out of your thoughts altogether.

In that regard, I would absolutely not suggest that you direct the other couple to MB, as part of your correspondence. MB is a resource for your marriage -- you shouldn't do anything that would lead you to think of it as a place where, just maybe, your OM is reading, even if he doesn't know the real names of the posters. (If in the 21st century, they can't find marriage-support websites on their own, there's no helping them anyway.) Helping them is the least & last of your concerns. You & your husband have a full-enough plate as it is -- especially if you're not getting in 15 hours' UA time. You have exactly zero brain-bandwidth to spare on anyone else's marriage right now, and no mental latitude to be giving any thought whatsoever to how they're doing.

I was so relieved when I found out about the A - it wasn't my fault and I knew what to do to protect myself.

I would show your H the NC letter and tell him he can contact OMW and reassure her that it's over on your end as she can have the letter signed by you and that your contact details are changed now. She still needs to recover her marriage and prevent other affairs.

Your church may know enough MB to make marriages happy (not hard really - date more!) But they dont know Jack about the pain a woman is in when she knows, on every level but the conscious one, that she has been stabbed and can't figure out where the wound is.

Your conscience is right. Your husband's protective instincts were right.

The church are just being very uninformed and timid.

If not actually evil. It's appalling to me a church would advise a cover up where the woman is left to her pain.

I would call it a form of evil, to be honest.

It is sacrificing the truth for the sake of someone's pride. It does not edify someone if you try to support them by withholding the truth.

It breaks my heart when I see churches act this way about this issue. I don't seem to remember "thou shalt not rock the boat" in my reading of the Bible.

***EDIT***

This is a reminder to posters to please post using Marriage Builders principles, or refrain from posting.