DDay anniversary is right around the corner. I have been on edge. Then today I got a call that my oldest son was on his way into surgery, in another state. I tell my H what was going on, and he seemed not to hear what I am saying. Because he is pawing and groaping me. I just got up and took a shower. He has no idea what is wrong with me. Basically he goes with me to my eye appointment and the whole time, like a petulant child, demanding my attention. Meanwhile I am texting with my mother to find out if she would be able to get to the hospital he is at. He has some learning and comprehension issues. He won't understand totally what is going on.

This whole thing is a huge trigger! I said some not nice things, brought up OW#2 and how he used his fathers FAKE surgery to stop and see her on the way to his parents house last year. I said I guess if there was someone you wanted to see on the way you would have suggested we leave imeaditly... Yes I know what I did.. Disrespectful judgement, I was angry, but I didn't yell, i was out of line. I am now angry with myself and with him.


Now we are on the way to the hospital, not his idea. Our son is 25, not independent. Homeless most of the time, is bipolar. My husband doesn't like him very much. He won't take care of himself and has been a huge disappointment to him and the family. But he is our son and is hurting, I will be there for him. Then return home.

We still have 2 hours left in the car.. No sure what to do

Are you flowing the MB recovery program?

Have you got all your questions answered?

Has your WH given you just compensation?

How much UA time are you getting each week?

Sorry about your son.

Yes
Yes
Yes
20+ hours a week

We struggle with independent behavior (him) and we are new to the POJA, okay he is. We both read HWSW. We started the work book 2 weeks ago. I have read LB. it has been a few months since I have had any AO or DJ. I was doing really well. Since we finished surviving an affair, and I got all my questions answered, it was no longer a topic of conversation.
His selfish behavior, lack of concern for our son. Set it all into motion... The fact he lied about a surgery to see the OW. But would be motivated when his so was actually in surgery. I lost it. I was wrong, and I know it.

JAERN13, I hope that your son's surgery went well.

When we have triggers, we need to ask our spouse for help. The goal is to eliminate all triggers, but I do understand this was regarding your son's surgery.

It is frustrating to ask for help and then not get what we need, but it doesn't last forever. As time goes by, we learn to be more succinct in asking for specifically what we need. (edited to ad:) And we need to ask without bringing up the past.

What exactly do you need from your husband regarding your son's health? Is there something specific that he could do so as to ease your triggers?

Read it again.

Correction: You CHOSE to pick up the weapons of disrespectful judgements and angry outbursts. You also chose to bring up the affair again. He did not set it in motion, it was your choice. Do not blame your husband for your lovebusters. You, and you alone, are responsible.

When you are triggered, you have a choice: dwell on the past and lovebust your spouse, or move on and continue to build your marriage. You chose to dwell on the past and to lovebust. Your marriage will never recover as long as you continue to make such choices.

I accept full responsibility for my behavior. I am reading LB again.

What should I have done? obviously I shouldn't have behaved that way. Should I have just gone by myself? I feel the only reason he went or even felt motivated to go was my behavior.

That's another DJ. You don't know his motivation.

You should ask for what you want, not expect him to guess. Stop mind reading and expecting him to mind read.

"Our son is in the hospital, needing surgery. I'm worried and I like to go visit asap. What would you like to do?" and stop talking

Have you been discussing the affair with your friends? Are you taking ADs?

Actually, POJA says do nothing until you have enthusiastic agreement. That doesn't mean you are ALWAYS excited to be doing that activity, just you are enthusiastic about some outcome. The Harley's have cited yard work as such an issue.

It also usually helps me to keep it short. "This __ is bothering me. What Can we do about it?"

I am not taking antidepressants I do not discuss the A. Thank you apples I appreciate your advice