I feel just absolutely devastated by my actions and I don't know #1 how to live with myself #2 how to live with the choices I've made #3 . . .
I had an 2 affairs. At the time, I'm not really sure what drove me to it, but now in the aftermath, I feel so completely stupid. I do love my husband. I think he still loves me. We are still together, but his current goal is to move with his job. That is another piece of the crazy puzzle, in that, his job is making him move or he will lose it.
So to back up... I had the first affair about 15 years ago. At the time, our children were still small and we ultimately decided it was best for everyone if we stayed together. Being from divorced parents ourselves, we knew we didn't want that environment for our children. We didn't have a bad relationship. But, there are times when my husband gets really focused on work and I feel left out. (in writing that I feel like it's an excuse and I'm not trying to give any excuses for what I've done). . .Fast forward, we moved to our hometown, bought a convenience store, built a new house and continued to work in our full time jobs. But about 6 months ago, I met this guy who (for whatever reason) started talking to me. We had conversations that weren't about work and the things going on in my life at the time. It was just conversation. After a while, it grew and then we met a couple of times and had relations. Most of what we shared was talking because after a while I realized that this was not the person for me and I wondered why I was even giving him my time. My husband found out and we devastated, obviously. We had already went through this once before. I hurt him. I hurt our entire family. I hurt myself. Over the past few months, we have traveled and had some of the best times we've ever had. Some of the best conversations we've ever had, some of the sex we've ever had. But, he still says he is leaving. He hasn't left yet and he hasn't made an appt with a lawyer to end our marriage. I want so badly to make things right. I want so much to work on this relationship and make it stronger and better than ever. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I'm forcing the issue. I need help, guidance, anything. I'm obviously only giving a piece of OUR STORY, but I figure I had to start someplace. Thanks

Hello brrr, welcome to Marriage Builders. He does have a right to leave the marriage and you should respect his choice. One thing that concerns me s that you don't seem to understand that you have affairs because you have poor boundaries with men. If I can see that, then I am sure he can too. He probably won't consider saving the marriage because there is no reason to believe this won't happen again.

Would you consider yourself a flirt?

Hi brr.

You said he is leaving for his job, but not necessarily that he is leaving you or the marriage. If that is true, then why are you not moving together?

How did you meet the OM? Do you still have any contact with him?

I think in the past I have been a flirt and yes my boundaries have been poor. I think you are right, he is trying to leave but we both keep holding out that something will change. We are still doing things together and still sleeping together, but the relationship is just very strained. I will respect his decision, but he just keeps giving me mixed signals and if there is a chance to save what we have then, I'd like to try. I'm just not sure what to do on a daily basis. I don't want to push but if he wants to try to save something, I want to work toward that with him.

Well, we've talked about different scenarios, but right now everything is just very confusing. As I just stated in another email link, we are still doing things together (and having a great time, while doing them), as well as still sleeping together (which is great - better than ever). I don't have contact with the OM. I met him through a connection at the store we own. He did some business with us with his organization. But, he is no longer with them.

I don't understand this. If my husband's job told him he had to relocate 1) he would discuss it with me and we would make the decision together and 2) it would never be an option for him to move without me.

What different scenarios are you discussing? What is confusing?

I also want to point out the fact that if you post once every 3 days, most people will see that as you not really being in crisis or serious about saving your marriage, and will stop posting to you.

If you are serious about saving your marriage, there is no better place for you. But it takes more commitment than posting for advice once every 3 days.

Thanks for the advice. I am extremely serious about the help. I wasn't sure how often this was checked.

His company had already told him that he was going to have to move. However, before the affair he was planning on moving to a different group within the company so he could maintain his current location. After he found out about the affair, he told them he was considering relocating. He's told me that he is leaving, but he hasn't made any movement toward that goal. We have discussed other options, like me going with him or taking time apart, but everything is just up in the air and we both feel paralyzed.

You cannot fix a marriage by 'taking time apart.' So you should take that option off the table completely.

Can you please answer this?

Well I guess I put that option on the table because I'm trying to allow my husband space. I'm trying to give him options. So, you feel that - that option should not even be considered?

I met the OM through business at my store. We own a small convenience store in our hometown and he asked us to cater food for their organization. Then it became that we were catering food on a monthly basis. No, I haven't had any contact with him since June of this year. I've been so focused on trying to make things work with my husband. I've traveled with him (my husband) on almost every business trip that he's went on since June and I've made it a point to schedule things for us to do. Things that we wouldn't have normally done because we were so focused on work and our house.

But, even today, we had a serious discussion about where everything is headed and he is just not sure about my sincerity (for obvious reasons) I believe we both love each other and I think deep down he does want to make it work, but I've just hurt him so badly. I want to make this work and show him that I'm sincere but I just don't really know what more to say or do?

Was the OM married?

No, he was not.

Have you seen this?
What is Just Compensation?

If your H decides to leave the marriage, he has that right and nobody would blame him after suffering through two affairs. But it does not sound like that is the situation here. If you are both on board with recovering your marriage, the only way to do that successfully is together, not apart. The option of giving him space should be taken completely off the table.

Talk is cheap. What *actions* are you doing to make him see that he is safe?

Dr Harley does not advise forgiveness after an affair. He advises providing just compensation. The way to provide JC to your BH is to 1) end the affair and create a lifestyle that makes another affair impossible and 2) create a better marriage than you have ever had.

Here is a list of Extraordinary Precautions Dr Harley provides in his Surviving an Affair book, to guide you on how to recover from an affair. Recovering from an affair is a very narrow path. If you cherry pick how to recover, you will NOT recover, it is just that simple.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

What has been done on this list? The items on this list are ways for you to show your BH that you are serious this time, and that you want to protect him and make him safe in your marriage.

I had not seen this information before. Almost everything on the list is being done in some sort of fashion.

I have revealed the affair to my husband
I no longer have any contact with the OM
I told the OM that there would be no more contact
I am working everyday to take all kinds of precautions that there is no more contact. (ie, I leave my phone at home (my husband works from home), there is not social media contacts with OM
I tell my husband every place I go, and how long I should be gone. I don't make any unnecessary trips anyplace. If I do go someplace (doctor's office, shopping, etc) I take one of my kids with me.
I just recently offered access to my bank account
We are spending A lot of leisure time together.
I work two jobs (we own a store and I do accounting work and manage it with my son and I work as the Superintendent's secretary at the local school) I have offered to quit my job at school and just focus on our family business.
The only overnight separation we've had has been about 2 weeks (sporadically, when he's had to travel for work)
The affair has been exposed to our kids, my mom, and my father in law. Also a few people who were in the organization with the OM (and he ended up leaving).

I know talk is cheap and I've tried really hard to not make any erratic moves or be demanding in any way.

Listed above is currently what I'm doing. If you see anything that I can do better or anything additional that I should consider, please let me know.

Does your BH have any questions about the A that you have not answered? Remember, HE gets to decide what level of detail he should get. It is your job to just be completely open and honest. But once all of the details about the affair have been disclosed, you should never speak about it again. Rehashing it will hurt both of you and make recovery impossible.

I would change your phone number and delete your social media accounts. If you have the same number, the OM could call you on it. Even if it is in the possession of your BH, that would be a trigger for him, and to keep him safe you want to avoid that. And you don't need social media. I know it is fun to post pics on Facebook, but you have had two affairs, and have hurt your husband deeply. If you want to fix that, get rid of the social media.

Does your BH have access to everything you have, full transparency?

How much UA time are you spending together? Dr Harley recommends 20-25 hours of UA time if you are rebuilding, 15 hours if you are maintaining a romantic relationship. If you are working two jobs, I am wondering if this is possible, in which case you would definitely want to change that.

Dr Harley recommends NO nights apart, this includes for business travel. Any time your husband is traveling for work, is an opportunity for you to have contact with OM. Maybe you are thinking this is not going to happen, but what is your BH thinking??? He is also very vulnerable to an affair right now. This traveling job of his is marriage wrecking.

This is great information. I feel like I've been waiting for him to make up his mind about whether he is going to leave or not before I take action on some things. For instance, like giving him access to my bank account and other accounts. But you are absolutely correct. I should just go ahead and do it. Also, I'm changing my phone number as we speak.

I will give my husband the password to social media accounts or should I just completely delete.

I would delete the accounts. And then I would give him a list of the things you have done to protect him and your marriage, and ask him if there is anything else he can think of that would make him feel safer.

For instance, for me it was that I wanted to be invited to my husband's office more often so I knew the people he worked with. I also wanted him to bring a family photo to work with him. These were just things that made me feel safer with him at work. Maybe there are things your BH would like to make him feel safer.

I would also schedule a polygraph. If I were your BH, after not one but two affairs spread years apart, I would be wondering how many more there were that I didn't know about. You know what they say, for every rat you see there are a 100 you don't. I am not saying you have had other affairs, I am saying that if I were him I would assume you had. The problem with multiple betrayals is that when you said it would never happen again, it did. So now nothing you say has any weight.

A polygraph can put to bed any doubts about the full truth being on the table. It can be a closure to the past and start to the future. My WH took a polygraph and that is how it felt to me. For you, it can be a way for you to prove that you have given him the truth and he knows everything. It can be a start to rebuilding yourself as a trustworthy person.

I never thought of a polygraph test. I will ask him about that and I've made a list of account information and passwords.

Thanks so much. I'm not sure where all of this is going, but I feel good about giving him this information. I hadn't really thought of all this.

Did you read this and listen to the clips in here?

Yes, I have and this is great information. Thank you for sharing.
I actually read through it when you sent it the first time. I have listed above to the previous counsel the items I'm working on. The person I was speaking to yesterday gave me some excellent advice and I've been working to accomplish those items. It seems to have helped a little, but I know my actions will speak louder than anything.

Why aren't you moving with him? A move is often needed to get away from the pain of the affair.

Would your husband come here and post?

How much UA time are you getting?

Well I'm waiting on my husband to decide whether he wants to work things out or not. We've been in this kind of limbo and he keeps saying that he's leaving, however, he's still here and hasn't made any indication that he's moving yet.

I don't know if he would post on here or not. I've told him and shared with him what I am doing. But so far, he has not.

We are together most every day at lunch and then in the evening. We have taken several trips this summer and into the fall and have several events planned throughout on the weekends.

Have you tried suggesting that you move with him?

Yes I have made a "plan proposal" with several suggested scenarios that involve me moving with him or our family moving together. I think at this point he is waiting on a relocation package to see what his employer is going to offer him before he makes any moves or decisions. At least, that is perception.

I want to ask what his decision is, but I also don't want to be pushy, so I feel like we are in a "state of holding and waiting"??