Hello my DH had a mostly emotional affair with a coworker 2 years ago. We've done some of marriage builders stuff. We went to counseling and did other activities, he has left the job and we moved. I am confident he will not speak with her again. Since then we had a baby I am now a SAHM. My question is how to deal with triggers. For example because his affair was mostly via text messages he has recently started to message some of his female co workers and it really bothers me. Also when it occurred he started to become really vain and complain about his cheeks on his face (he later got injections for), working out, losing weight and wanting to spend time with his co workers. Which is happening now, I feel like I should be happy that he wants to take care of himself and have friends but I'm not I'm just sick with worry.
So I asked him why he's been working out He's trying to study for the Gmat and said in the book it helps improve your test score. Anyways looking for advice on what to do TIA

DH works 4 11 hour Shifts which I also find difficult because when he gets home I am usually asleep and he used to wake me and the baby often so we don't sleep in the same bed currently. Also he has little to no sex drive when I ask why he never initiates he says oh the baby is up or he thought about it but didn't

Hi Tizzle, the reason you are being "triggered" is because you sense he is headed for another affair. And he is. For example, if I get hit by a car while playing in the road, I will be triggered the next time i play in the road. The solution is get my [censored] out of the road.

Your husband is doing exact same things that led to an affair in the past. If you want to affair proof your marriage, he will need to stop doing those things. So if you are interested in recovering your marriage, you will need to a) affair proof your marriage and b) create a SAFE, integrated, romantic marriage as defined in Surviving an Affair.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Thank you for your reply.
I don't think it would be good for me to say hey you need to stop working out and taking care of yourself. I just don't know where to put limits he does need to be able to have friends
What book would you recommend for affair proofing? The surviving an affair?

Yes get the book Surviving an Affair? What has been done from the list that MelodyLane posted to you?

Do you have spyware on his devices?

Was the OW married?

Just not female friends. That is how affairs start. But you already know this. No married man should have friends of the opposite sex.

All except the writing a letter he wrote a text and I'm not sure what technical accountability is

You are right that is reasonable I will talk to him tonight.

It means complete transparency with all hie devices.

Let us know what his response is.

Yes, it's okay for him to take care of himself, though the cheeks enchancements sound extreme in vanity.

"Having friends" should not take priority over his new child and you, his spouse.

If he's not willing to give you access to all his mobile devices/passwords, he's hiding faithlessness, and you need to take charge.

Are the 2 of you spending fun time together?

Hi Tizzle!

Aside from the Policy of Radical Agreement and the MB checklist, may I suggest that your husband refrain from ever having a female friend? Opposite sex friendships are 9 times out of 10 serious trouble.

My husband agreed to not have any female friends. Sure, he can small talk a client or coworker ONLY during business hours BUT there are topics that he can't discuss, and a time limit for that small talk. "Yeah, it's great weather here. My wife and I are doing X this weekend. What do you and the family/husband/boyfriend have planned?" That's okay. He can't complain. If the woman complains, he's only to say sorry, and extract himself from that convo IMMEDIATELY. No knight in shining armor syndrome! If she's married, he'll suggest that she talk it over with her hubby and THAT is what's important.

NO contact outside of the job. None.

Hubby and I made a list of what is flirting, what is cheating, and what measures must be in place to prevent anything from going further. Absolutely ZERO time spent in the company of someone of the opposite sex. No contact outside work. No exchanging personal emails, phone numbers. There's a proximity issue, too. No touching. Narry a hug nor massage, or footsie. No talk that is sexual or flirtatious. Full disclosure - if anything happens - if someone else touches him or tries to poach - he has to tell you.

Also, FULL transparency. This means emails, devices, on-line accts, spending, wallets, purses, personal belongings, etc. No secrets. None.

Also, keywords that men and women use to test interest in someone else must be disclosed. Work on rebuttals. Write down possible come ons and rebuttalsExample:

Poacher: "Your wife is so lucky! Say, do you have a brother or something?"

Spouse: "I'm the one who is lucky. No. I don't have a brother (or my brother is happily married, too). I wish you the best at finding someone single, Sue. I gotta go."

Poacher: "Does your husband appreciate all that you do for him?"

Spouse: "He does! He's the best."

Poacher: "I hope so. Because I'd certainly appreciate you."

Spouse: "You know, I'm not at ALL comfortable with what I think you're implying. I'm a loyal wife and I find poaching deplorable."


Poacher: "It's late. Why don't we go out for a bite?"

Spouse: "No thanks. I don't date. I'm happily married."

Poacher: "It's just dinner."

Spouse: "No. I consider that a date, and I'm loyal to my spouse." Then extract yourself from the situation and TELL your spouse.


Poacher: "You know, I could <insert come on here>."

Spouse: "If I were a lying cheat, capable of destroying other people's lives for my own selfishness, you'd be the first I'd call. Goodbye."

Or, simply tell them that you don't talk about your marriage or spouse. That your spouse is ALL that you need or want. Wish them well in finding someone unattached. If they say they didn't mean it that way, just tell them fine, it might have been a misunderstanding - that you've heard that line before and that you despise people who poach other people's mates.