Marriage Builders®
Posted By: FightTheFight It's Been A While - 05/16/18 03:31 AM
Hello forum members. I don't remember the last time I posted here. But wanted to give some hope to those newer to this. It's been almost seven years since our D-Day. I don't even like to refer to it as that anymore because of the negative connotation. But everyone knows what that means, so there it is.

We are recovered. To those that wonder if you will ever forget, you probably won't. That's not the goal in my opinion. The goal is that it just doesn't matter anymore. It's not a factor in your life. You don't think about it often. Sometimes it comes back, and you remember those times, but it just isn't relevant anymore. It's not today.

To get there requires work. There is no getting around that. But it is possible. For some it works, for others it doesn't, no matter what you do. That is a fact. But I will say from experience that your chances of success are directly related to your commitment to what is taught here. Dr Harley knows what he is talking about. I use his knowledge every day. But know that this is a long game. It almost never happens overnight. In fact, if it did, I'd be highly suspicious of those results.

Not sure what else to relate. Just wanted to check in and give some encouragement to those just starting their journey. It gets better or it doesn't. The result is highly dependent on your own commitment to change and adaptation as it is with your spouse.

Hope all those that helped us along the way are well. Any questions, I'll try to answer.
Posted By: markos Re: It's Been A While - 05/16/18 04:42 AM
FightTheFight! It's good to hear from you and to see that you guys are doing well!
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: It's Been A While - 05/16/18 04:50 AM
So nice to hear from you!! Thanks for the update.
Posted By: Prisca Re: It's Been A While - 05/16/18 05:15 AM
Love to hear this!
Posted By: Lin63 Re: It's Been A While - 05/16/18 05:58 PM
Hello, FightTheFight
How long did it take to truly feel recovered ? Any to tips to help with the dwelling? Tips with unknown triggers as they come up?
Thanks, And yes it is wonderful to hear success.
Posted By: FightTheFight Re: It's Been A While - 05/16/18 06:26 PM
Originally Posted by Lin63
Hello, FightTheFight
How long did it take to truly feel recovered ? Any to tips to help with the dwelling? Tips with unknown triggers as they come up?
Thanks, And yes it is wonderful to hear success.




As far as how long, I believe it took us longer because we were about a year into it before we started here. It made it a lot harder because we did some of the wrong things for so long. And there is that tendency for the unfaithful spouse to want it to be over with already. That said, I'm not sure I can put a number on it. It's a gradual process. It's not like it just happens one day. What does happen is that you think of it less and less frequently until you hardly think of it at all ever.

As far as the dwelling, I'd suggest focusing on your goal. If your goal is to have a happy, successful marriage, then sit down and talk with each other about what that looks like to each person. And then focus on it. Think about what it will feel like, what you will be doing, how you will be living. Visualization is a powerful thing. But it will keep you focused on the future and will motivate you to take those baby steps every day to get there. If you must dwell on something, dwell on the future. That's all you can really change. The past is unchangeable.

As far as unknown triggers, forgive yourself for having them. Whatever you do, don't take them out on your spouse. Consider whether discussing it with your spouse gets you closer to your goal or sets you back. Is it necessary to discuss so as to have their help to avoid it, or is it just a random thing? It really does help to immediately turn your attention to something positive. The brain literally cannot think of two things at once.

Hope that helps.
Posted By: markos Re: It's Been A While - 05/16/18 06:33 PM
How's feuillecouleur doing? We'd love for her to stop by and say hi!
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: It's Been A While - 05/17/18 01:52 AM
Originally Posted by markos
How's feuillecouleur doing? We'd love for her to stop by and say hi!

Yes!! I was thinking the same!!
Posted By: Lin63 Re: It's Been A While - 05/17/18 04:14 AM
Thank You, Your experience,insight and suggestions helped me immensely. And Congratulations on your recovery.
Posted By: wle2 Re: It's Been A While - 07/11/18 01:03 AM
Hey FightTheFight!
Great to hear you two are doing well, congratulations!
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