Fell in love with my co-worker, and she betrayed m - 12/02/19 02:59 PM
Hello all, I think this is the right place in the forum for this thread, sorry if it's not. I am seeking for help on understanding a difficult situation, will tell my story here, hope it is not too long.
I am a 36 year old Brazilian man, married for 7 years, got 2 identical twin girls who are 3 and a half years old. In March 2012 I started working in a huge multinational appliances company here in Brazil, as a product development engineer. Position that I still hold currently. In May 2013 a woman was hired to work with our team, in the development lab. I will call her Monica. In spite of being in different teams (she is a lab engineer, I am product design engineer), she was located to seat right next to me. We became very close friends, she is also married, she had her daughter in 2015, nearly a year before I become a parent myself.
We were very supportive towards each other in every subject, work, marriage, parenting. Since she had her daughter a year before me becoming a parent, she gave me a lot of advice on parenting. We would do a lot of things together, go lunch, have dinner in our houses from time to time, with our families together, with or without other friends, go out on vacation with our families together, and so on. Till this day I still think this was the best friendship I ever had. She even told me I few times I was her favorite friend, she also told me she loved me (in the as a friend context), and I said the same thing to her a few times.
In October 2018 we had an external training, so we would spend a few weeks together having classes and doing exercises. By that time I started noticing I could not stop thinking about her, even when I was home with my family. I started felling really bad about this, at first I tried to deny any feelings about her to my self, because that was something I really didn't want to feel for her. It didn't work, so I decided to accept the fact that I was in love with my best friend.
I got really desperate, I didn't know how to handle the situation. I wasn't able to feel happiness when I was with my family, the only thing that made me happy was being with Monica. Weekends were very sad to me, as I was anxious to see Monica again on Monday. I was getting close to depression, living this life where I couldn't even think to tell my wife what was going on, or tell Monica risking our friendship, our marriages, etc. I tried to move away from Monica, to see if I was able to end with that feeling, it didn't work. I got very sensitive to anything Monica did or said, and that made me get in a few fights with her. I was getting very impatient with my kids, my wife, that feeling was compromising basically all my other relationships.
The hard thing is that I believed she could also have feelings for me. Since the beginning I noticed that sometimes she kept staring at me, when she thought I wasn't seeing her, and when I looked at her she would rapidly look away pretending she wasn't looking at me. Sometimes she would touch my arm, or hands, for far too long and just leave her hands there while we were talking, or seeing something in a computer screen. All of these signs made me believe she was also having feelings for me, and that made me my life even harder. When I started having these feeling for her, I thing she noticed I started acting strange with her, I think she also tried to move away from me, which made me mad because every time I asked her if things were fine with us, she would just lie and pretend she doesn't know what I was talking about. She would just say things were fine, "stop talking about this", "you are being crazy, things from your head only...." and so on. I noticed she started avoiding me when we were among other friends, she wouldn't talk to me, which was hurting me a lot.
Since I wasn't able to handle the situation by myself, I decided to seek for professional help. I started seeing a psychologist therapist. During my therapy we discovered that these feelings I was having for Monica was just a temporary passion. That made a lot o sense to me, since Monica is not the kind of woman I would be interested in. But the feeling I was having for here was making me miserable, and I didn't know for how long it would last. So my therapist indicated that the best way to end this problem was to tell Monica the true about what I was feeling for her. This way I could move on from whatever result I might get. I decided to just tell her what I was feeling about her, unburden about it, tell her why I was acting strange, why I was close to depression. I also had to end any questions about her feelings towards me, asking her how she felt, but I wasn't going to propose anything to her, or try to convince her of anything. At this point I was much more worried about our friendship, and in my mind the only way to move away from her, without hurting her, was to tell her the true about my feelings. I thought that if she understood that, we would still have a chance of being friends after this feelings went away.
Well, on October 3rd, I sent a message to her, telling her I needed to talk to her. We both went out of the company, walked a couple of blocks, to find a quiet spot where we could talk. And there I told her everything. She was very supportive, told me she didn't have this kind of feelings for me, told me she loved her husband and nothing would ever happen between us. She also told me she was very sorry to hear that, and that she hoped those feelings would go away, otherwise she would have to find a new job. At anytime she was mad at me, or told me I was crossing some sort of line. I don't think I gave her any reason for that anyway.
The problem is that a couple of days later I was called by my boss, to hear my version of this story. I was chocked, she went behind my back and told my boss about the conversation she and I had. So my boss had to go to HR to see what to do. Turns out now they are trying to move me to another department, but if they can't find a similar position, they will have to fire me. One week after that, they gave me a 2 week vacation, so they would gain time to move me. When I returned to work, I tried to talk to Monica about it, she was very rude to me, just telling me not to talk to her, not even looking at my face. After that she told my boss I tried to talk to her, and he called me in his office to give me a speech. I almost got fired right there. When Monica got home that day, she told her husband that I tried to talk to her, and he sent me a message telling me to move away from her, respect her wishes, otherwise he would kick my [censored].
It has been 2 months, they still couldn't find a position for me in other area. I'm still working with Monica but we don't interact with each other. We even avoid eye contact at this point. You guys can imagine how devastated I am. I really trusted Monica, I thought she was my friend. I keep thinking if she thought about my daughters before doing that, we've gone through so much with our families together, that it never passed by my mind that she would be capable of doing something so perverse. Something so perverse to a friend, her best friend, someone that she even claimed she loved. She never even had the decency to talk to me before doing that, to explain her reasons. I was so honest about this problem, and she was so low in my opinion.
In spite of my career being at risk, my marriage was saved after I told Monica what I was felling. I started feeling happiness again, when being with my kids, my wife. I started feeling love for my wife again, and that was a relief. Emotionally speaking, I'm a lot better than a couple of months ago. I'm just still deeply hurt by what Monica did. For my own piece of mind, I want to believe that she only did that because her husband made her do it. But there's still a chance she took this decision by her own, and that still hunts me.
So here is my question: Do any of you guys, specially you ladies, understand her action? Can you understand why she did that? I tried to understand the reasons why someone would do that, but I still couldn't figure it out. It's extremely hard for me to understand why Monica did that. And everyone I tell this story also can't understand why she did that. Any thoughts anyone?
I am a 36 year old Brazilian man, married for 7 years, got 2 identical twin girls who are 3 and a half years old. In March 2012 I started working in a huge multinational appliances company here in Brazil, as a product development engineer. Position that I still hold currently. In May 2013 a woman was hired to work with our team, in the development lab. I will call her Monica. In spite of being in different teams (she is a lab engineer, I am product design engineer), she was located to seat right next to me. We became very close friends, she is also married, she had her daughter in 2015, nearly a year before I become a parent myself.
We were very supportive towards each other in every subject, work, marriage, parenting. Since she had her daughter a year before me becoming a parent, she gave me a lot of advice on parenting. We would do a lot of things together, go lunch, have dinner in our houses from time to time, with our families together, with or without other friends, go out on vacation with our families together, and so on. Till this day I still think this was the best friendship I ever had. She even told me I few times I was her favorite friend, she also told me she loved me (in the as a friend context), and I said the same thing to her a few times.
In October 2018 we had an external training, so we would spend a few weeks together having classes and doing exercises. By that time I started noticing I could not stop thinking about her, even when I was home with my family. I started felling really bad about this, at first I tried to deny any feelings about her to my self, because that was something I really didn't want to feel for her. It didn't work, so I decided to accept the fact that I was in love with my best friend.
I got really desperate, I didn't know how to handle the situation. I wasn't able to feel happiness when I was with my family, the only thing that made me happy was being with Monica. Weekends were very sad to me, as I was anxious to see Monica again on Monday. I was getting close to depression, living this life where I couldn't even think to tell my wife what was going on, or tell Monica risking our friendship, our marriages, etc. I tried to move away from Monica, to see if I was able to end with that feeling, it didn't work. I got very sensitive to anything Monica did or said, and that made me get in a few fights with her. I was getting very impatient with my kids, my wife, that feeling was compromising basically all my other relationships.
The hard thing is that I believed she could also have feelings for me. Since the beginning I noticed that sometimes she kept staring at me, when she thought I wasn't seeing her, and when I looked at her she would rapidly look away pretending she wasn't looking at me. Sometimes she would touch my arm, or hands, for far too long and just leave her hands there while we were talking, or seeing something in a computer screen. All of these signs made me believe she was also having feelings for me, and that made me my life even harder. When I started having these feeling for her, I thing she noticed I started acting strange with her, I think she also tried to move away from me, which made me mad because every time I asked her if things were fine with us, she would just lie and pretend she doesn't know what I was talking about. She would just say things were fine, "stop talking about this", "you are being crazy, things from your head only...." and so on. I noticed she started avoiding me when we were among other friends, she wouldn't talk to me, which was hurting me a lot.
Since I wasn't able to handle the situation by myself, I decided to seek for professional help. I started seeing a psychologist therapist. During my therapy we discovered that these feelings I was having for Monica was just a temporary passion. That made a lot o sense to me, since Monica is not the kind of woman I would be interested in. But the feeling I was having for here was making me miserable, and I didn't know for how long it would last. So my therapist indicated that the best way to end this problem was to tell Monica the true about what I was feeling for her. This way I could move on from whatever result I might get. I decided to just tell her what I was feeling about her, unburden about it, tell her why I was acting strange, why I was close to depression. I also had to end any questions about her feelings towards me, asking her how she felt, but I wasn't going to propose anything to her, or try to convince her of anything. At this point I was much more worried about our friendship, and in my mind the only way to move away from her, without hurting her, was to tell her the true about my feelings. I thought that if she understood that, we would still have a chance of being friends after this feelings went away.
Well, on October 3rd, I sent a message to her, telling her I needed to talk to her. We both went out of the company, walked a couple of blocks, to find a quiet spot where we could talk. And there I told her everything. She was very supportive, told me she didn't have this kind of feelings for me, told me she loved her husband and nothing would ever happen between us. She also told me she was very sorry to hear that, and that she hoped those feelings would go away, otherwise she would have to find a new job. At anytime she was mad at me, or told me I was crossing some sort of line. I don't think I gave her any reason for that anyway.
The problem is that a couple of days later I was called by my boss, to hear my version of this story. I was chocked, she went behind my back and told my boss about the conversation she and I had. So my boss had to go to HR to see what to do. Turns out now they are trying to move me to another department, but if they can't find a similar position, they will have to fire me. One week after that, they gave me a 2 week vacation, so they would gain time to move me. When I returned to work, I tried to talk to Monica about it, she was very rude to me, just telling me not to talk to her, not even looking at my face. After that she told my boss I tried to talk to her, and he called me in his office to give me a speech. I almost got fired right there. When Monica got home that day, she told her husband that I tried to talk to her, and he sent me a message telling me to move away from her, respect her wishes, otherwise he would kick my [censored].
It has been 2 months, they still couldn't find a position for me in other area. I'm still working with Monica but we don't interact with each other. We even avoid eye contact at this point. You guys can imagine how devastated I am. I really trusted Monica, I thought she was my friend. I keep thinking if she thought about my daughters before doing that, we've gone through so much with our families together, that it never passed by my mind that she would be capable of doing something so perverse. Something so perverse to a friend, her best friend, someone that she even claimed she loved. She never even had the decency to talk to me before doing that, to explain her reasons. I was so honest about this problem, and she was so low in my opinion.
In spite of my career being at risk, my marriage was saved after I told Monica what I was felling. I started feeling happiness again, when being with my kids, my wife. I started feeling love for my wife again, and that was a relief. Emotionally speaking, I'm a lot better than a couple of months ago. I'm just still deeply hurt by what Monica did. For my own piece of mind, I want to believe that she only did that because her husband made her do it. But there's still a chance she took this decision by her own, and that still hunts me.
So here is my question: Do any of you guys, specially you ladies, understand her action? Can you understand why she did that? I tried to understand the reasons why someone would do that, but I still couldn't figure it out. It's extremely hard for me to understand why Monica did that. And everyone I tell this story also can't understand why she did that. Any thoughts anyone?