What else can I say, MB DID NOT work for me. I'm divorced and my love is not dead.

Sorry to hear that. I am looking forward to the day I can say it's official for me.

I too stil have love for my wife, but I know it just is not going to work out. Too much has been said and done that we cannot overcome. Besides, I do not make her happy as a husband and she does not make me happy as a wife.

Java, I know this is not how you wanted it to go. However,one of the things we often forget is that we suffer the consequences of the choices of other people. As the counselor who worked with me when my marriage died once said, you can only work on yourself. You can not work on the other person. You can not control their choices or actions.

So, you and I did not have the marriages we desired. We aren't married today and it wasn't our choice. But we can build new and happy lives - as I know you will.

I am sorry this is how it turned out. But I know you did all you could.

(((((Java)))))

I'm sorry.

I have often read your posts in Prayer Requests.
You have been very patient. I am sorry for your loss.
You know you have friends here.

I guess not many folks have things to say. Thank you for those who have commented. It doesn't really take away the pain, but it's nice to know so many care.

Where are the folks who "knew" that God's will would prevail and I wouldn't be divorced?

T

Java,,

I'm so sorry for your loss and grief.. I'm terrified that I may be following in the exact same path.. My wife is dead-set on a divorce and yet I Love her with all I have. I hope and pray numerous times every day that our marriage will be healed. Don't take it out on God.. It may not have been his will for your marriage to have been - I don't know.. I know he hates divorce. but maybe she wouldn't let him in.. He can only enter when the person's inner self is open to help.

I don't know your situation, but if you two are on friendly terms - there is no reason to stop courting her.. Nearly one-fifth of all people that get a divorce end up remarrying each other.. You just never know.. If you're on good terms - especially if you have kids - keep the love for her in your heart.. Work on your life and keep God ever present.. Maybe 6 months from now, maybe 1 year, maybe longer - if you are the man you should be, and you continue to not LB her but build up the deposits in her love bank - then she might be hard pressed to not find you at some point irresistable !! Again, I don't know your situation or the terms you are both on, but there is ALWAYS hope.

And don't forget - there are many many many people out there and here that do and can care for you a great deal. Be a good man - the man you are supposed to be - in your eyes, in Gods eyes - and in your Xs eyes. Stay strong brother.. You will live a good life regardless.. Take care and let us know what's going on.

Hi Tony,

I am certainly sad to hear of your D. I know it is not at all what you wanted. Unfortunately, there were many issues your wife brought into your marriage that could not be solved without her participation. I'm not sure she will ever be willing to face her demons.

You, however, have tackeled your issues head on, stretching for growth both spiritually and as a H. You deserve a woman as smart and committed as you are.

While I was never one of those who said 'of course this marriage would be saved', I have always said that there is something good out there for you. I do believe that. Someone will really appreciate you.

Does this mean a schedule for visitation has been worked out for your DD? I hope you get more regular visits with her, and that your exW cannot take her out of state without your permission.

Please take care of yourself as you heal. I wish you the best - Dru

Thanks Dru,

She can't move out of state without my permission. I get a night a week and EOW. I could have fought for more, but no guarantees after spending $10K more.

So now we are negotiating her getting her stuff, and she is still angry about some things regarding our YD's stuff.

Seems she wants all the Beanies and other stuffed animals that YD has at the house back at her apartment.

I wanted YD to choose where she wants to keep her stuff. After all, it is YD's stuff. Why not give YD some control over what is happening?

Other than that, things are pretty smooth.

I wish we had PM's here, I'd send you what we exchanged yesterday. She is still very angry, which I don't understand, she is getting almost everything she wants, and I got almost nothing I wanted.

T

What does she say she's so angry about? Is OM still in the picture? Are her parents giving her grief? The girls?

You name it. I never understood her, she could never be intimate with me again, she could never please me. (Of course having an affair and filing for divorce was sure to please me, sorry so sarcastic.) I'm trying to hurt her, I don't take any blame, I'm never wrong.

Yes, OM is still in the picture, so there really is no way to ever do anything right as long as she is in his orbit.

T

Java,

I suspect that part of the reason you haven't recieved a lot of comments has to do with the fact that some of us, me included, are having a bugger of a time with this new board. I will probably be logged out and this post won't make it either.

Well, your wife got what she wanted. She had the affair, left you and took your daughter, and she got her divorce. She even has the OM too. She gets CS from you and 11/14 custody. She should be a very happy woman . . . I wonder why she is so angry?

Your case has always bothered me. You are one of the men who has really tried to save his marriage, done the MB program. Maybe your experience scares some folks away . . . We all like happy endings.

Take care of that little girl and go out on a date or two. I know you don't really want to, but it can still be fun to share he company of a woman. Imagine spending time with someone who actually wants to be with you? What a novel idea.

I am deeply sorry that your marriage ended.

Tony:

I am so sorry. I really wish things had worked out for you. I suspect that your wife will someday far from now realize what she lost, and kick herself.

Kathi

Here's hoping you'll heal quickly and completely. I was thinking how Easter and the resurrection is not just about the resurrection of the body, though that is the BIGGEST miracle. However, on a smaller scale, God does seem to rise us up out of our own ashes and give us new life. He brings triumph out of tragedy.

I don't know if it helps at all, but it has helped me.

Hi Tony,

I have followed your story for the most part.I am sorry you are D'd now.I will be too very soon.MB didn't work for me either but I really do not think anything would have,not with the person my STBXWH has become.He is purely selfish and no one ever got through to him,not fully.He made his choices and they were all about him.Similar to your XWW I would imagine.

What's worse for me is that we are actually turning into enemies.I used to wonder how two people who were so in love and spent so may years together and dreams and hopes could end up where I am today.Now I know.I didn't think my love for my STBX would die either but it is.I do not like the person he is and I wouldn't even want to know him.At a certain point,there is no more fog and it's just a case of how this WS chooses to live and be.I know for certain that I do not ever want my STBX back,I could never get past all the pain and sickness he placed upon both our families.

I think maybe over time you will feel differently, at least enough that you aren't so affected.It's bad enough to be the "victim" of Infidelity but then to not have a chance to save the marriage and then to go through D.It's really rough.What has helped me is throwing myself 100% into the care of my daughters and my home and things I enjoy.The good side is that I don't have my irritable,computer saturated,selfish STBX making my life miserable anymore.I am actually enjoying things again.

Hang in there Tony.Good things will come your way,make it happen!

O

Java,
I know it is really tough for you right now. Heck, its tough for me as well. My WW and I are headed down the same path. Had our mediation last Wednesday. I too, did the plan A, plan B, and now its plan D since she filed. I have tried so hard to save this M. And all to know avail. However, I am not willing to say that MB didnt work. Why? Because it did to the extent that I will be able to look back and know that I did everything I could have possibly done. These techniques are not sure fire remedies. They just give us the best shot for success. The WS has as much to do with the success of these techniques as anything else. We have run the race. We have done the best we could. Now, hopefully we will be able to heal quicker than if we had not put the maximum effort into it. I look at it this way, with what I have learned from this experience, some lucky girl is going to benefit from the improved me. While I wish that the girl would have been my WW, that was not to be due to her poor choices. So, keep your head held high knowing that you have done all you can and there are brighter days ahead. If you can come to this realization, while MB didnt reach the level of success we all hoped for, it has prepared us to move on and eventually have a happy life with someone else.

Hi Java,

I hope you are better today.

I am not very good with words, and D is a strange and scary place for me. But I want you to know that your posts reflect strength and wisdom. You love W so much, that is why you hurt. This is just a bad place we are all passing through. One day, you'll be able to see God's love for you and be comforted.

Sorry that you lost the battle, just not the War. . .

Just because she exhibits anger, does not mean that its because of you. . . even if its directed at you. . . as I have tried to get you to see, you don't really know what is going on inside her, and for the most part, she doesn't understand herself. . .

Its now time to put any thoughts of total responsibility for your marriage's demise on the back burner, and learn about what a healthy relationship looks like, and how to help your daughter grow up as emotionally healthy as possible.

And unless you have to capacity to think and understand outside the logic box, you may not be able to understand to what she is reacting. . .

you will be better off in the future, and more so than you realize.

wiftty

These two thoughts may be mutually exclusive. God's will prevailing does NOT necessarily equal not getting divorced.

C-XH,

I have not followed your story, but I wanted to pop in and say I'm sorry too!

I can see that alot of people must have followed your story by the views.
I think a lot of people are not able to get on.

I too am D'd because of an unfaithful spouse.
I tried for a year, and there was no turning him around.
I have now been D'd for a year and a half.
I can tell you the pain does lessen, but it does still hurt too.

There is a part of me that is glad it's over though. I no longer have to worry if he is with the OW, and me still being blind to his lies.
He is in fact with her still today, but, we are no longer married so it doesn't effect me much anymore.

It sounds like you gave it all you could, and you have to know that in your heart. As Cind said, you can't change the other person, only you. That is true.
I don't know if your x will ever see her wrong, mine hasn't. I think there are some who do, but as for mine, I don't think he ever will.

I'm sorry your hurting. My wish for you is that time will heal your pain, and that one day you will find love that is right for you.

Take Care,
K.

CXH,

I spent the first several months of my now XH's A trying to figure out just when God was going to step in and save my M because I know he hates divorce. I know he CAN do anything. Granted, I am DV because I filed--not because my XH filed. But I filed because at the end of his first year in his A, he was living with the OW, rarely even speaking to me, and when he did it was often a financial or other threat. He wasn't exactly fence-sitting. I saw little hope of his returning, so I cut him loose.

I don't blame God. I know God could have saved my marriage. He chose not to, for whatever reason. And as I move forward, and my life is more peaceful than it was when I was M, and I am able to be closer to Him (though I still have a long way to go and need to rearrange some more priorities), there have strangely been many blessings that have come out of this tragic situation. I have to believe that THAT is God's will for me--to grow in other ways.

I don't know anything about the M you had. I DO understand your statement that your love is not gone. Neither is mine for my XH. I still miss the daylights out of him sometimes. I still can't spend time reminscing about the past or I break down in tears. When I do talk to him on occasion, I still find myself asking about things in his life and sharing my suggestions, just like I always did when we were married. (In fact, I'm getting teary-eyed typing this).

I wish sometimes that I could wake up and just not care about him anymore. I don't see that happening after 2 decades spent with him. I imagine you will feel things for your XW for years--maybe always.

But you can also have a good life despite what happened. It will just be different than you anticipated originally.

Take advantage of each minute you get to spend with your daughter. Granted, I got custody of my kids--but my son left for college right before my DV was final, so I felt I lost a H and a son all within a couple months. But my relationship with both kids has greatly grown since I separated, because instead of walking on eggshells all the time trying to keep the peace with my husband and often ignoring them in the process, I can now concentrate fully on them. I've gotten to know them a lot better in the last year.

As for dating--each time I think of that I get this panic feeling. I think it's a combined fear of not being able to please someone else, of being rejected, and strangely enough, of being unfaithful to my XH. So while this life can be darned lonely, especially at night when the only company I have is my dogs and I long to have someone hold me and love me, I don't think I'm ready to jump into anything new yet. But I've only been DV for 5 months.

Take your time moving into a new relationship. Like people have told me over and over--find yourself first.

You will be okay. Hold on to your faith. It's what has gotten me through.

This is the best advice I think you could give and just wanted to highlight this optimistic Christian view.