I`ve been divorced three years. My X still keeps asking me to see a professional counsellor with him so that we can talk things out. He tells me that he just wants to talk about our children, but somehow I think this is his way to try to get me back. My feeling is what`s the point! I made my decision long ago. It`s over. What is there to talk about? He just can`t accept it. He tells me he wants closure and that if we don`t talk, it will hurt our future relationships. He should have thought about all this when he cheated me. What does this forum say about post divorce talking? Does it bring anything?

BB

It sounds to me like your ex should be in IC, for his own sake.

You are probably right that he is using 'talking about the kids' as a way to try to make you have second thoughts about your relationship. Unfortunately, that's his problem.

How is communication between you when you discuss the children at the moment?

Alph.

We have in our agreement that we will seek communication counseling for the benefit of the children. X refuses.
He was a non-communicator when married, and is worse now. So it does affect the children and I believe post divorce "family" counseling can benefit everyone. The children pick up both verbal and non-verbal communication. What messages are you sending them?

Perhaps he does want closure. If counseling between the two of you will benefit your children, then who cares what his motivation is.
You don't have to forgive him for his A, but you do need to coparent with him.

The children are with him all the time. He`s got them brainwashed or something against me. I don`t see them very often as my work schedule involves lots of evening shifts. My X has also got them involved in some charasmatic church and all I hear from them is that I should forgive and come back home. Forgive?! Why do men think that their A`s are forgivable? Why don`t they think before they ......? We can talk and talk, but it will never change what he did.

I sense there is more to this story, particularly if they are with him all the time.
Children need both parents - whether in one home or not.
You are doing your children a disservice by not parenting your children.

Forgiveness is a good thing, and it is not for the other person, but for yourself.

He's reaching out to you. Take the hand, if only for the kid's benefit. If you don't even make an effort to communicate for the benefit of the kids - how do you think the courts will view that? (and your kids themselves?)

Every time I talk with the X, he puts the pressure on that we should reconcile. It will be just the same with a professional. I am so tired of it. He should read his own Bible where it says infidelity is grounds for divorce. He was the one that crossed that line, not me. It seems he is using the children to make me feel guilty. I see them when I can, but I have a very different attitude than they do. A vow is a vow. When it is broken, the trust just goes. At least the children will learn this.

BB

Why does your ex have custody of the kids? What sort of custody agreement do the two of you have? It sounds like you're not having any (or much, at least) overnight visitation with the kids. Is that by design, or just because of your current schedule?

Also, you have nothing to fear in couples counseling. Your ex isn't going to be able to "win over" the counselor and form a 2 on 1 situation in the sessions. If he trys to force the counseling in a particular direction the counselor will see that right away. If, on the other hand, he really wants to improve your post-divorce relationship as a means of being better parents for the kids, that's a very good thing and everyone benefits.

I do sense an awful lot of anger and bitterness in your comments. You've been divorced for three years now. At some point you have to work toward letting all that go. It does neither you nor your kids any good to hold on to all that anger. It's been long enough that I'd recommend you see a counselor individually to talk about this unresolved anger and try to move past it. Speaking as the betrayed spouse in an infidelity situation (also divorced, fwiw) I can say that it is an amazingly liberating feeling when you learn how to let all that crap go.

This is very difficult for me, but maybe I have not said everything. I said that I already made my decision, but I must admt I still go back and forth about it. I wonder if I am afraid to talk because my real feelings will come out. And then he will win again. My X has always been the kind of person who in the end always gets his way. He`s been this way ever since I met him. I want to teach him that he can`t cheat me and get away with it, but now I am the one alone. He`s got the children on his side. They, of course, can`t understand what happened. All they want is me back home. It`s not fair that he has them brainwashed.

BB

BB

My X and I just had a long talk by phone and I agreed to talk to a counsellor couple he recommended who are somehow connected to the YMCA. Thank you for all your comments. I don`t know where this will go, but I think you are right that it will be best for the children. That is all I care about anymore.

BB

Talking is good.
Please take the opportunity to read the Marriagebuilder concepts and in particular, learn about lovebusters. I say this because it may make any face to face communication easier.
Divorce is hard and expensive, and should only be a last resort. I spend more time trying to help my children recover from divorce than it would have taken to salvage a marriage (if that were possible).
Good luck.