I saw the tail end of the Oprah show where a father and 2 children (1 girl and 1 boy) discussed their feelings about the mother who abandoned the family. Both children (I believe both were under 10) wrote letters to their mother. It was heart wrenching.

The noteable point was the counselor said that in cases of abandonment, it is vital the children be informed and NOT kept in the dark. The children need to know the parent is wrong to abandon the family. The remaining parent should reinforce their commitment to the children so the children realize it is NOT their fault.

If someone has more info on the show, I think it may be healthy if we all had the opportunity to give input.

Thanks,
L.

Hi Orchid. This is my first post on this board... I was on Recovery for several years as Kamerini and then recently on GQ and on my H's post on EN. Anyway, we are telling our kids about our separation on Saturday, and then H (goalieguy) moves out the first weekend of November.

Half a dozen people told me to watch that Oprah episode. It was very sad but the examples were pretty extreme. Half the show was on the family you mentioned, where the mother just disappeared with OM and has no contact with her kids. I did think it was one of the best parts of the show when the doctor/expert said that there are certain exceptions to the rule about not saying anything negative to the children about the other parent.

I was more interested in what/how to tell the children. I never wanted to be in the place I am now... I am OK with the upcoming separation but feel just awful whenever I think about what is about to happen to my children. There was only one minute on the show that addressed this... the advice was that both parents need to tell the kid(s) together, and that they have 45 seconds to say it before the kid(s) minds start racing at a million miles a minute. So you have 45 seconds when what you need to say will actually sink in, and in that time you need to make 3 points. 1. Mom and Dad are not happy/can't be happy together or something along those lines. 2. We love you, that will not change. and 3. This is not your fault, you did nothing to cause this. I hope I remembered that correctly. Another good suggestion was to practice what you are going to say beforehand. And then to be prepared for their questions, which will be focused on what this will mean to them (who will live where, etc) and why this happened/is happening. Another good point was to not stop at telling the children that you are there for them, do they have any questions, etc. Don't wait for the children to come to you to express their feelings or questions. Be more proactive and leading... suggest to them what you think they are likely feeling. For younger children, sit around a table with crayons and paper so that they are doing something while talking.

I would love some input on this as well. I have heard from many adults whose own parents divorced that they remember how they were told as if it were yesterday. I keep thinking that if the message is mom and dad aren't and can't be happy together, then it is like saying the parents happiness is more important than the children's. I understand that they will be happier when the parents are happier (eventually), but I don't expect they'll understand that (my daughters are 7 and 12).

Hi Lucy,

Don't focus in on the 45 seconds. Point is to show your children that you are honest (WS has to prove that himself). Remind them that YOU will not abandon them.

Your children will hear you. Make them a part of your support group. If the WS acts up..... you don't have to tell them together. It is recommended but you know how moody the WS can be. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Keep posting.

take care,
L.

Lucy,

If you can...you should try to call in to Dr. Harley and his wife, Joyce's radio show for advice on this subject.

To me it just seems that your daughters, as young women, need to know or be aware that you are modeling appropriate behavior in the face of the tremendous abuse you have withstood at the hands of their father.

Perhaps even an example as a means of explanation wherein you discuss it in their terms. As in...if there were some boy at school you were friends with for a very long time and he started being mean to you...you'd likely forgive him once or twice...but after repeated episodes of him being mean to you would you still remain friends with him??? Your father has crossed that line with me. I have forgiven him for being mean several times through our marriage and he keeps doing it. Therefore...despite how badly I'd love for us all to remain an intact family...your mother just has to protect herself from his cruelity.

And your husband should sit there and take it. He should be a man and face his daughters and accept FULL responsibility for the destruction of your family. I just don't think there should be the old "we just aren't happy together"...these young ladies need to learn about boundaries and that they shouldn't allow any man in their life to abuse them. They should be PROUD of you (which they will be in time as they mature and come to understand the whole situation). Lucy...YOU did not cause this. It is not YOUR fault you are separating/divorcing.

Sitting there and taking it MAY just be step one to you one day...after a prolonged period of disconnect (so you can withdraw from the relationship and think more clearly)...come to peace with WH and potentially open up to becoming LIMITED friends with him. LIMITED meaning...you don't allow him anywhere close enough to you such that he can hurt you emotionally again.

But seriously...get Dr. Harley's advice on this. It's free over the radio. Go to the Radio Show link off the main page to figure out how to call in.

Mr. Wondering

Yes please don't surgar coat in hopes that a spouse will see the light at that moment, and change his/her wayward ways.
Always be honest, so thay will have one pareant, who can show them how to treat others , be it a friend, marital partner or people in general.

The noteable point was the counselor said that in cases of abandonment, it is vital the children be informed and NOT kept in the dark. The children need to know the parent is wrong to abandon the family. The remaining parent should reinforce their commitment to the children so the children realize it is NOT their fault.
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i didn't see the show.
what constitutes abandonment? did the mother move away?
would they consider a father (or mother) who moved out to be w/ a new lover... abandonment?