It's been 2 months since I last posted. I used to be Fuzzy_Math - Ready for Plan B in SAA was my thread. How do I get a modifier to combine my threads?

Now I'm in Divorcing/Divorced. And I'm actually OK with it. More than OK with it - I've reached a threshold with my STBXH and I cannot take any more. While I am sad for my daughter and child on the way, I am far healthier and stronger than I have been in years. I realized that my H's drama, anger and manipulation were literally sucking me dry. I was working so hard to keep the peace that I lost myself along the way.

Not only have I had to endure his long-term affair, his lying and backstabbing, but the divorce has really brought out his ugly side (as if all that weren't enough.)

He's stolen from me, been lying about me to others, has lied about income to avoid paying child support, has been trying to use my daughter to get me to give him more time with her and has threatened to sue for full custody - while leaving me penniless and expecting our 2nd child. I am fighting him every step of the way.

I have seen my STBXH twice - once in a session with a psychologist hired to help us arrange a custody agreement and the second time at a four-way. My STBXH is unapologetic and hostile (staring me down). The psychologist said that of all the people she's ever worked with where one has had an affair, my STBXH is the only one who has zero remorse and actually blames me for the affair.

In an odd way, this sort of makes it easier for me. The man I married no longer exists. I didn't want a divorce but I don't see any other way to my recovery than by severing all ties with a man who has caused me so much harm. If and when he is ready to accept responsibility and do some heavy lifting, I am not sure I will be willing or able to meet him half way or any of the way.

I am in a mostly dark Plan B. I do have to email him occasionally but I never call. We've only seen each other twice in the last few months and I have specifically told my attorney that I will not do any more 4 ways or joint meetings with him. The next time I see him will be at court.

I can understand what you are saying. I feel the exact same way..

Same here. It hurts, but it gets so much better when there is distance behind you. You are doing the right thing, and not seeing him is the part that truly does make it easier.

Hugs!

Good for you. You're moving in the right direction - away from him. If you're getting better your child and the one on the way will benefit tremendously from you being alright.

It's been almost 5 months since our 2nd DDAY and my H moved out shortly afterwards.

There are weeks that go by and I feel strong and positive. Then I get a day like today and I miss him.

How can I miss someone who has mistreated me so badly? How can I grieve something I'm not sure I ever had?

It's my own fault though...I keep having feelings that we'll reconcile and then I drove by OW's house and who is there?

So I know we won't reconcile. And I'm torn because I don't want to reconcile with who he is today. I want the man I married back...not this evil, manipulative, liar.

I'm jealous that he has someone and I am alone. I am jealous of her. It's irrational because I have nothing to be jealous of but I can't help it. Why do they get to be happy by stepping all over me?

I keep asking God why. And I know the answer is this....God can dream a bigger dream for (me). - Oprah

But I still feel sad. Tomorrow, I'll feel better but today, I'm down.

Fuzzy,

Know that your feeling are not "wrong" or "abnormal". I'm still fighting the same things you are.

Keep busy. But allow yourself some periodic "down time" to process these emotions.

(((Fuzzy)))
Ditto what itsaname said.

I feel the same as you; I am certain it's perfectly normal but that doesn't make it any better.

H moved out in Feb., last I heard from him was 4/24, and on 5/5 I filed for D. I wake up every day thinking today might be the day he comes home. But the sun sets, and nothing.

We just have to trudge along knowing that we are the bigger people and that God has something much better in store for us.

I have to believe that our OP's and WS's will get what's coming to them.

I said a prayer for you just now; I know how your heart hurts.....

I think the thing that bothers me is the "why." And that's like looking for Bigfoot. I'll never find it. So it's very frustrating.

I get close...like deciding my WSTBXH is passive aggressive. And reading everything I can on that subject, just like I did with affairs. I have felt for a long time that he cheated to get back at me for something. He fits the passive aggressive male to a T.

The only thing worse than being married to one is divorcing one, which I am finding out. Lucky me.

Hello Fuzzy,

I am very sorry you are in this place. One of my favorite quotes that Fred says on here is, "If you're going through hell, keep going". And Itsa and C.P. always tell me, "This too shall pass", and "It will get better in time".

It's all true Fuzzy, and I know it doesn't it doesn't feel that way now. One of the things that got me through my darkest days was holding onto the thought that "the pain will lessen in time". I'm not far out from some d-days, but I will tell you, the pain does lessen in time. I was in a pretty dark place for about six months. I'm not great, but I DO see progress. Hold onto that hope F.W.

Everything you've been saying, we ALL have said pretty much the same things. You are not alone in this. Agree with Itsa. Allow yourself time to feel and process the emotions. When you can though, try to enjoy some of the moments in your present. If you allow yourself to do this, you'll be amazed at how that moment can transcend your feelings to another place, if only for that moment. In time, the moments will turn into minutes and hours. I haven't yet reached the "days" though. But, I will. I know I will. I've come this far. So has a bazillion other people (unfortunately), and if they can do it, so can we. (Of course I hardly believed that in my darkest days.)

{{{Hugs}}}

Even though we all find ourselves doing this too, we all pretty much agree that trying to make sense out of the senseless is in exercise in futility.

Waywards have to twist things around to justify their behavior. It's called crazymaking, and when we try to figure out their logic, it does make you crazy.

Anchor yourself to your values, and go from there. Steady yourself so that you're not twisting in the wind with the waywards logic, and the chit storm he created.



In time, and with distance, you'll see both of your flaws. You can learn from that. Btw...passive agressive people are almost always cheaters. They want their needs met, but are unwilling to resolve conflict with their spouse to get their needs met.

A few years ago, my stbx read the book, "The Passive Agressive Man", before I read it. He handed it to me one day and said, "That book is going to make you angry". He was basically admitting to me that he saw himself in those pages. That was back in time when he was a little humble, and I thought we had a chance.



Agreed. However, divorcing them does have a silver lining in it.

Thanks, everyone.

I have tried to find articles linking passive aggressiveness to infidelity and haven't found much.

But I do recognize that my personality fed into his passive aggressiveness. There are things I need to change about myself to prevent attracting this sort of person again. So, that is my silver lining...coming out on the other side a stronger, better person. It's just hard going through it...

Fuzzy, this is exactly how most of us think you should approach this whole situation. Like you said, it's hard going through it. If it were easy, none of our [STB]X's would be [STB]X's.

Hey Fuzzy...try this book. It pretty much explains it all if you ask me.

Living with the Passive Agressive Man

Thanks, MJ.

I bought the book. Read it cover to cover already. Insightful...wish I had it 7 years ago before I married but c'est la vie.

Wish it had more practical advice, though...like how to divorce your PA husband. My WSTBXH is very preemptive in his actions (or just plain nasty). He seems to think I am going to do certain things...like steal his money, keep my daughter from him and drag his name through mud. So what does he do...he beats me to it.

That seems to sum up the PA person...you are going to hurt me so I am going to get you first. Very hard to combat this.

Cool. I'm impressed.

And, me too. I could have saved myself a lot of confusion over the years.



Yeah, I think stbx knew I was going to leave him eventually, due to my boundaries with EPs. So why not just go ahead and break them all, while stabbing me to the point I feel like dying.

I know that's why I dread the divorce process more than for all the other obvious reasons. I'm always on edge just waiting for him to come in for the kill. To dig that knife in just a little bit deeper....Pull something out of his hat where he can watch the blood drain from my face. I can even see the look on his face while he's doing it. He'll have the look of distain, with a hint of a grin. Gives me the creeps.

Whatever happens, we'll both have to live with it. I'm positive I'll be able to look at myself in the mirror though. My counselor, who has also counseled stbx, knows he's full of anger. I'm his target.

I'll be so glad when my dealings with him are done. I feel like a scared little girl in the corner just waiting for my beating. But this time, I'm fighting back. As far as court cases go, he's likely to come out on top, and he may feel like he's won, but we all know he's not winning squat. None of us wins. But no matter the outcome, if I fight for myself, that'll be a victory for me.

I need to vent something...

Just got off phone with my DD5 who is overnight with my WSTBXH. I have this agreement with him to have her call the parent she's not with each night so we can say goodnight and I love you. WSTBXH has been demanding 50/50 custody (overnights) and I have been steadfast in saying no - but he does have her 3x a week over summer which I think is too much.

Tonight, like several times before, she gets upset and says things like "I want my Momma. I miss you so much." and then cries. She said tonight, "Please don't leave me Momma." My little girl worries that I will leave her...no child should have this as their fear. She should be afraid of monsters and the dark...


I stay calm on the phone with her and reassure her, redirect her to something else and make sure she hears me say I love you and that I will never, ever leave her.

But now that I am off the phone I just want to scream my head off. "You f***ing selfish piece of crap!!! You ripped apart our family. You'd rather be with a low life skank at your stupid job than be the man this little girl needs. You cause this innocent child pain and you have ZERO remorse!! You don't deserve to be this beautiful child's father. I can take what you've done to me...but what you are doing to my child is UNFORGIVABLE."

The momma bear is strong in me and when my child hurts, there is nothing worse for me.

To top it off, one of my nephews just IMs me on Facebook, "Hi auntie". Just another reminder how much he has taken...

I feel better now but needed to get that off my chest. I will use this anger to continue to hold firm on custody arrangement for my DD.

Fuzzy I am with you tonight. MY WH is a no good, low life, piece of crud, and for the first time in my entire 15.5 years with him I am seeing him for what he is as a human.

The skank is so worthless and has destroyed marriages before. Yet he thinks she is this great woman worth throwing his entire heritage out like trash.

I have been venting for three days. For some odd reason my anger is building and I am getting really pizzed at all he has done to me and our kids for the past 10 months.

Plan B is helping me tremendously. It allows me to heal, and actually realize I am a great person. I did not realize this and took the blame for the affair and for the demise of my marriage.

Now I know my mistakes and am working hard to make myself better.

Keep moving forward and know there is better, best, and greatness to come.

Fuzzy Math Rules!!!

Itsa,

Someone shared this quote with me today and it sums it up pretty well:

"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with a**holes." �- William Gibson

After 6 months of a pretty good Plan B, I realize, too, that I am pretty friggin' awesome.

The way I look at it...it takes a strong woman to take back a man who has disrespected her so completely and forgive him. Not every woman would admit she needed to make some changes and give him another shot. That takes unbelievable courage and faith.

Keep strong.

Seven months out from D-day. Going through a nightmare D - H is fighting for custody of DD5, being a nightmare about finances, support, everything else.

Been trying to maintain Plan B but D is getting very costly and some of the negotiation I have had to do with him directly. Plus we are meeting with a child therapist for D who is having behavioral issues. So, Plan B is hard to maintain and I feel exhausted and emotional dealing with him.

My DD5 has been repeatedly exposed to OW (has known her for years) and talks about her. I try not to get mad or act hurt but tonight, I miss my kid (he has her on vacation all week so I haven't seen her in 5 days). I get a quick call from her and she tells me she has to go b/c she wants to see OW.

I am part happy that my daughter likes the OW but so angry that the OW, who is partly responsible for me being without her in the first place, now spends time with my DD5 when it should be me.

After all the grief and suffering I have experienced, do I really need to be in this hell, too? How do I accept this, too?

I feel like sometimes I am going to be buried under the weight of this suffering and will suffocate. I have lost so much.

Interesting way of looking at it. For me the wife being sooo different makes me think it's a bad dream or something, like she is going to come home and say "april fools" or i'll wake up.

Sadly, some people are so broken that they appear beyond human redemption. If we are involved with one of these, divorce is the best and most humane (to us) solution.

First of all I am so sorry that you are all going through this.
My own DDay was just 5 weeks ago, he left home four days ago. I haven't seen my children in 3 days. He refuses to return them home.
Saw an attorney today, see him again on Monday, we file on Tuesday. Should have children home with me on Tuesday or Wednesday. WOW what a long week this is going to be and it only mid way through. All I want is my children home with me.

Anyway, I just wanted to thank you all for posting. Reading through this post has given me allot of comfort. Mostly in the fact that I am not alone.
So to you all I raise my glass. To making a better future for ourselves.